It was only day two of my fresh start, my new life, and I was already aching for the familiarity of my old one. Despite its torment, despite its abuse and neglect, my former life was one I'd grown into. I had always known what to expect. Nothing surprised or shocked me. If I'd gotten slugged or slapped, it'd sting but it'd been familiar. If I went without school supplies or other necessities, I improvised, and made do. Nothing in my old life had come as a surprise.
This new life, however, was something I wasn't sure I could mentally handle. Being able to see a ghost, having terrifying, realistic dreams, losing time out of my day. Those were things that messed with me on a far deeper level than anything I'd experienced yet, and I found my stomach tightening in anxiety more often than not.
School passed swiftly. I hung out with Odie in art and during lunch, and together, we tried to figure out why I was missing time. She asked me a million questions about Parker, which I answered as honestly as I could, but since I couldn't remember anything other than him asking if I was lost, it was pointless. We ended up having more questions than answers by the time lunch was over.
Despite the fact that we'd hit a brick wall, I came away from lunch feeling incredibly grateful for her and her friendship, no matter how new and foreign it was to me.
Parker completely ignored me during class, much to my great relief. I watched the back of his head more than I listened to my teacher, half-expecting him to morph into that sadistic, insane looking clown. But nothing happened and I wondered if my dream was simply that. A dream, and nothing more. A part of me felt like a schmuck for having yelled at him that morning, but another part of me couldn't help but be wary of him and of what he was capable of.
Not being able to remember threw a giant wrench into any type of friendship I could've had with him. Not being able to remember made me feel slightly sickened at the things I may have done with him. No matter how hard I tried to force my brain into remembering, nothing would come to me.
Like before, I wanted nothing more than to go to bed and forget everything. I wanted Jimmy’s soothing presence. Needed it. Craved it. And lately, the only time I could get it was in my sleep, which didn’t really satisfy my need to be in his presence.
But I’d take what I could get.
After my Language Arts class, I headed to my locker to grab my books and prepare for my last class of the day, Chemistry. On my way, I had the distinct sensation of being followed closely down the hall, so I paused at the water fountain, pretending to drink while I looked behind me.
Blue Blondie stood there, looking pretty and proper in her pastel yellow cardigan with matching wool skirt and tights. Her blonde hair glowed in the fluorescent lighting and was styled into a neat, tight ponytail.
“Hi, Rosalind,” she said with a warm smile. “I wanted to formally introduce myself. I'm Devon Whiteside. Welcome to Marion High.”
I straightened from the water fountain and nodded. She was polite and seemed kind, but something about her immediately struck me as off. It could've been my gut instinct, or it could’ve been what Odie had said about her the day before, permeating itself into my brain as a warning. Regardless, girls who looked like her never gave girls who looked like me the time of day, so I wasn't taking any chances.
“Nice to meet you,” I said stiffly, my guard coming up, “We have Language Arts together.”
She nodded happily. “Yes we do! I was going to introduce myself yesterday after school, but Parker Evans had apparently beaten me to it. I didn't want to interrupt what the two of you had going on,” she finished suggestively.
That caught my attention.
“What do you mean? What we had going on?”
She smiled smugly. “Oh come on now, I can tell when a boy and a girl are into each other. And the two of you certainly seemed into each other yesterday in your own little corner at the library.”
My eyebrows raised. “The library?” I asked, suddenly remembering being near the one downtown when I'd seen Parker.
She peered at me oddly, her hazel eyes gauging my reaction. “Yes, the city library. Wait, do you not remember?”
I hesitated. I didn't know this girl and didn't want to give too much away. The last thing I needed was for the student body to wonder about me and spread rumors.
And then I realized, how odd for her to ask if I didn’t remember. She used those words, specifically. Almost like she knew.
“Um,” I said quietly, “I have to go. It was nice meeting you, Devon.”
She reached out and grabbed my arm just as I took a step away.
“Hold on,” she said quickly and pulled a pen and post-it pad from her tiny yellow purse. I watched as she jotted something down and handed it to me. “This is my number. Feel free to think of me as a friend.”
And with that, she gave me one last dazzling smile and turned away.
***
After dinner that night, I laid on my bed and stared up at the ceiling, trying to decipher Devon’s attempt at friendship. I wanted to call her, to ask her what she knew or had seen during my missing time with Parker, but at the same time, I almost didn't want to know.
“...stupid energy… what's the point if I can't even talk to her?”
I sat up and looked around. “Jimmy! I hear you! Where are you?”
The bed dipped beside me and his familiar cool essence enveloped my hair.
I sighed.
“Let me see you, please,” I whispered.
“I'm trying,” he said. “There's a block, or something. I can't break through, or control it.”
I sighed. “But you appeared last night, after my dream,” I said, looking around my room in an attempt to somehow see him. “Just do the same thing you did last night.”
“It doesn't work that way. It's your energy combined with mine that allows me visibility.”
I nodded, wondering how to harness whatever power it was that allowed him to come to me.
“It's when something happens that's both powerful and emotional, which we both feel at the same time, that makes it easiest for me to appear to you. I've noticed when you're afraid, and I'm afraid for you, that I pop up.”
“Okay,” I said slowly, digesting his words, “So if we are both feeling the same emotion, at the same time, and we both feel it strongly, that's when you can appear?”
“Not the only times, just the easiest. Remember the night I killed Derek?” He asked. “That's the first time you could see me since you were four. It's also the first time I could feel your fear as a tangible substance. It washed over me completely. I was absolutely terrified for you, and I felt helpless, that there was nothing I could do to save you from him.”
“But you did,” I whispered. “You saved me, because you became a physical being before he could hurt me further.”
“That's exactly it, Roz. I became physical because you were scared and helpless, and it blocked out everything else… that’s how I felt, too.”
“And it was so strong because I was so afraid,” I suggested.
“And so was I,” he said.
We fell silent for a long moment before he continued to speak.
“I want to try something,” he suggested. “Close your eyes and concentrate on me.”
I closed my eyes and imagined his handsome, rugged face staring at me, making me feel warm all over. A sigh escaped my lips as I imagined the feel of his cool, airy hand trailing up my arm, slowly.
“Block out everything else, Roz,” he whispered, “Except for me. Focus on me, on the way I feel when we lie side by side. Focus on the sound of my voice, on the way you shiver when I hug you.”
The smile that flitted across my lips was bittersweet.
I concentrated on him and nothing else, like he asked, and wished with everything inside me that he would appear before me in his solid form. I needed him. I was so confused about everything, I had no idea how to handle anything and I wanted it all to go away except for him.
And then, just like that, I felt it.
&n
bsp; His cool hand cupped my face, and I instinctively leaned into it. I opened my eyes slowly, almost afraid to, because I didn't want him to be invisible.
But he wasn't. He was solid and I could see him.
He gazed at me with an emotion I couldn't fathom, but it was so pure and sincere that I gasped.
“There you are,” I said softly.
He nodded and smiled. “Here I am,” he said.
“I've missed you,” I admitted.
“I'm always here,” he reminded me. “Even when you don't see me.”
I tilted my head as a thought occurred to me.
“Jimmy, do you know what happened to me yesterday? Were you there? Do you know why I lost two hours yesterday?”
He released my face and gripped my hands, hard.
“Stay away from Parker, Roz. He's dangerous. He cast a spell or something on you. I'm not sure what he is, exactly, but he's not some harmless student and he is not your friend.”
“What? Wait, a spell?” I clutched at his hands in confusion and pleaded, “Tell me everything you know and what you saw yesterday, please Jimmy.”
He let out a swift breath and stood from the bed, then began to pace the floor.
“It was so bizarre. I was with you, ya know? I was there your whole day.” He stopped pacing long enough to throw me a glance as he said, “I like Odie, by the way. That girl is a keeper.” I smiled at him and nodded, but held my tongue. I needed him to tell me everything he knew and we'd never get there if I interrupted him.
“You were walking home from school, and I was right beside you. I know you couldn't feel or sense me, because your mind was full of other things. But I was there.” He crossed the room and stood at the window, looking out over the backyard which was now covered in a blanket of darkness. “The fog picked up. That's what I noticed first. It shouldn't have swirled in like it did, something about it wasn't right, wasn't natural. That's when Parker drove up and parked along the curb.”
I nodded. “Yes, I'd been walking down the street when the fog came in and he showed up.”
Jimmy nodded. “He asked you if you were lost, and then you disappeared, just like that. All of you. You, him, his car, the chicks in his backseat. You vanished, just like I do when the energy leaves me.”
I stared at him and felt a trickle of fear edge up my spine. “How can that be?” I asked.
“I don't know. Some kind of magic? I panicked and came here, but of course you weren't here. So I began popping up at all the places you'd been to in this town, since you moved here. The school. The convenience store. The drugstore. And that's when I saw his car. It was parked in front of the public library.”
I listened intently, my brain trying to wrap itself around the notion that not only myself but a car could disappear into thin air.
“I went inside and there you were, in the back corner, at a table with him. Your head was down low with your hair falling forward so I couldn't see your face. He had his head close to yours, and he was saying something. I couldn't make it out. All the sounds were muffled, like being underwater. I screamed and screamed at you, but you never heard me.”
A sob tried to force its way out of me, but I covered my mouth with my hand and squeezed my eyes shut. How could any of this be possible? What was happening to me? What in the name of all that was holy was going on with me?
“I stayed with you once I found you, Roz. I never let you out of my sight. He chanted over you then, or something, and then just like that he stood, and helped you get into his car. You were in a daze the entire time. You had no idea what was going on around you. He had you in some kind of trance, or under a spell. I know he did.”
“But why?” I asked bitterly. “Why me? He knows nothing about me, this makes no sense!”
Jimmy stopped pacing and stood before me, his beautiful, dark eyes holding mine with an intensity that thrilled me despite the deeply scary stuff I found myself embroiled in.
“From now on Roz, I want you to concentrate on me whenever you're afraid, just like you did in that dream last night. I was able to get inside your mind and find you while you were asleep, just like I can here. But you’ll have to focus on me so I can manifest.”
I gazed up at him from the edge of the bed, nodding. In spite of the terror and bewilderment of all of this, he brought calm and comfort into my heart. Knowing he cared for me made me feel some kind of peace.
“So that really was you, in my dream?” I asked. “I wasn't dreaming of you saving me from Derek yet again, you were actually there?”
He nodded and knelt before me, taking my small hands into his big ones. His eyes never left mine as he whispered,“As long as I can manifest, I will always save you.”
It was a promise.
CHAPTER 15
That night (and every night after), Jimmy urged me to take the sleep meds, and I did so with little complaint. I didn't relish having drugs in my system, considering I was the product of a junkie, but if they could help with the nightmares, I was all for it. And boy, did they help! Sleep brought a welcomed release now, thanks to the pills, and I was extremely thankful for the needed rest.
The remainder of the week passed uneventfully. I quickly caught up with my classes, I created a pretty decent painting using monochromatic colors (with the help of Odie in art class), and I slept soundly in my cocoon of cold air with Jimmy.
No nightmares. No scary chants. No missing hours.
The way my new life had begun, I'd been expecting incessant turmoil and chaos, but the rest of the week was calm and predictable.
That was another thing I was thankful for.
Slowly, I felt myself became more of a family member within the Walters home. I was warming up to them, which was pretty easy, considering my previous need to withdraw from anything family. But the Walters were different from what I'd known before. They were a unique set of people, each one full of love and laughter and understanding, and I began to love my new home with them.
They made it easy to be at ease.
Bonnie and I began a nightly tradition which had begun my first day in her home- iced coffee on the back deck. Despite the chill in the February air, we both enjoyed sitting together after dinner, conversing quietly and getting to know one another while Mitch got the little ones ready for bed.
Thursday night, we sat together discussing my classes and how I was adapting. I made sure to leave out Parker and all that craziness, but opened up to her more than I had planned. She had me sharing things about my mother’s death I hadn't wanted to talk about, yet for some reason, with Bonnie, it all came out quite easily.
“Therapy begins next week,” she reminded me. “After hearing of how things were for you, I firmly believe it will help, Roz. My only question is, are you up for it?”
I looked up to the darkening sky, taking in a few stars here and there. I nodded and wrapped my flannel around myself.
“I think I am. It's hard for me to talk with people, but I'm hoping I'll be comfortable with my therapist, like I'm comfortable with you.”
She smiled her sunny, warm grin and burrowed deeply into her chocolate brown, fuzzy sweater.
“I'm glad you're comfortable with me. I really like having you around.” She looked out at the backyard, and her gaze meandered, like she was deep in thought.
“I can have children, Roz,” she said softly, “But I choose not to. A lot of people assume that, because we foster, it means we can't have babies.” She glanced at me, as if to make sure I was listening. “We can. But we decided why bring more kids into this world when there are so many who aren't loved, who aren't cared for, who are all alone.” She sighed deeply. “I didn’t want to be just a mother… I wanted to be something more. I wanted to be a safety net for a child. A haven. I wanted to be more than a mother. And I believe I am, because of fostering.”
My throat closed up and unshed tears pricked my eyes. The fact that she would choose to share such a personal, intimate piece of herself with me, overwhelmed my heart.
/> “We've had a lot of kids here, as you can tell by the mural of names in the living room.” I nodded. “I paint the names there so I never forget that at one time in that child’s life, I was their something more.”
She faced me, giving me her full attention.
“I know you had a mom, and she died a terrible death at the hands of her boyfriend. I also know he assaulted you and because of it, he died as well.” I gave a soft gasp as she spoke. I hadn't shared that much personal information with her, but of course Juanita must have. Of course she did, the foster family would need to know the details of my life before agreeing to take me in. “I want you to know Roz, none of that was your fault. Everything that happened to you was because of them, because they had an illness that needed drugs, that needed to put their hands on you in anger.” She paused and gave the sweetest of smiles. “What I'm saying is you don't have to worry about that here. This is your safe haven, Roz. And it’s my honor to be your something more.”
I looked away from the love shining throughout her face and swallowed. I couldn't speak, but somehow I managed a stiff, “Thank you,” before completely clamming up.
“You don't have to say anything back, hun,” she said softly. “Just sit here with me.”
And so we did, watching as more stars lit up the deep night sky and chuckling over the fact that it was far too cold for iced coffee.
***
“I've got the tickets!” Mitch exclaimed Saturday evening, holding up five tickets to the traveling circus that was temporarily located on the outskirts of Marion. “Are we ready?”
We were all dressed in our warmest gear, since the temperature outside had dropped. Bonnie had astutely gifted me with a long, black coat that was on the big side and had previously belonged to her little sister. I put it on gratefully, thankful for the added warmth, but then she surprised me further by wrapping a long, purple, fuzzy scarf around my neck and I couldn't hold back the hug.
She simply hugged me back, and proclaimed me, “Gorgeous!”
It was the first time we'd left the house together, all five of us. I wondered briefly how we were all going to fit in Mitch’s compact car, but figured I'd be fine squeezed in the backseat with Amelia and Vincent since they weren’t too big.
Rest in Peace Roz: The R.I.P. Series Book 1 Page 9