by J. R. Bowles
Well, suddenly one of the particles realizes what is happening to them and therefore, gives itself, sacrifice’s itself to another particle, so that other particle would not perish. That’s the way the elements were formed. Hydrogen, helium, and so on.
“Look at it like this. They join and formed matter. It gave up it’s self. If it hadn’t, no atoms would have formed and no elements. They would have been cast totally to the void, totally to hell. That particle realized it was going to no longer exist, but it–and if you don’t mind, I’ll use the word love–well it loved it’s lost particle, so it sacrificed itself and all came into existence. Well, the Christ sacrifice is symbolic of all of this, but yet it’s more.”
“Christ sacrificed himself for man, so mankind would not perish to hell someday at the judgment–remember the judgment already took place to start with--God judged Satan; he judged mankind and cast him out of the Garden of Eden. It's the law! God made the law and can't change it but he did send a sacrifice. To intervene for life. That sacrifice was, Himself. Christ came to teach man how to live, so man would be spared the pit of an everlasting hell, the abyss of nothingness.”
Zolar watched for John's reaction but John remained quiet. When he didn't respond, Zolar continued as he again stared down into to the black pit.
“Remember what Christ cried out when he was on the cross. 'My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me.' Compare that to the Big Bang. The particles were sent out into the void. God's Son was no longer in heaven. He had been sent out to save mankind. God had condemned Satan, mankind and the particles to hell. It was God's law! A scientific law! It was force. But then Christ said while dying on the cross, 'forgive them for they know not what they do.' Do you realize what that means?
Zolar turned away as John stared blindly at the pit.
Whipping around Zolar began again. “Now the sacrifice happened. The Christ just didn’t offer up his being, but was murdered. They were fed. But it wasn't enough. Some of the particles began taking other particles—not as a sacrifice—they killed the particles, and devoured them. Cannibalistic.
“God had forsaken man and kicked him out. Christ was killed by man and forgave those that did it. They didn't know what they were doing.”
Zolar paused and waited. This was so outrageous even to him, he felt his head began to hurt.
“How does this relate to the Jewish faith?” John asked calmly although his heart was pounding. He wasn't sure of any of this, and he wanted to change the subject.
That wasn't the question Zolar had expected and it took him a moment to regroup his thoughts and back track.
“Satan being kicked out of heaven is from the Hebrew. Also the story of Adam and Eve is from the Hebrew. Take Adam and Eve, it's symbolic again, they were in paradise, Satan tempted Eve with the fruit of knowledge of 'Good and Evil' so she would be like God; and she tempted Adam. They were expelled from Eden. It's analogous to the Big Bang. Kicked out. Condemned by God. But it is Christ's life that is the only answer to a certain end and although a parable it is easier to understand.”
“What do you mean?” John asked.
“Because he spoke in parables but the parable were symbolic--his whole life was a parable. Think about it as analogous of the Big Bang. I mean, the universe had a spiritual father and a material mother. The action that creates the universe under the Big Bang was the separation from heaven. The father was the action; and the mother grew the child and expelled it into the vast void.
“Well, Christ's Father was spiritual and his mother was material. I know that's getting out on a tangent but there's many comparisons you can make.”
“How about the cannibalism?” John asked. “You said it wasn't just symbolic.”
“John, one of the laws of science is that something can not come from nothing. Energy and matter interact and change forms but they just don't appear and disappear. We can neither create or destroy, we only change it. I mean, if you burn paper you didn't destroy it—it's still there in ashes and it's energy released goes elsewhere—you just change its form. All that exist came from something. We assume it's the primal mass, or we say it came from something. Some people say God created it. Well, if God created it—what did he create it from?
“He created it from himself. 'This is my body and this is my blood.'”
Zolar walked closer. “John, I know I'm sounding like a preacher but it's a revelation to me right now. I now see a joining of science and religion. Bear with me. In the first Chapter of John, the first verse is the part that talks about 'the Word and the Word was God--well, in the third verse it states, 'All things were made by him, and without him was not anything made that was made.' All things!
“If something can't come from nothing then God made it from something and what was that something?”
John stared at Zolar wide eyed.
“God created the universe out of his own body. This is my body and this is my blood. Something doesn't come from nothing. Everything lives and exists off of something else, it binds.
“Thus the breaking of the bread, and drinking of the wine.”
“What are you getting at?” John asked.
“Everything that we feel, see, and touch is God? My body, my blood! Why do you think God's name is so sacred— so holy? All of matter—all life—all energy—all that exists, is God! Why do you think God is so sacred? If you were in the Donner Party and ended up eating your parents, wouldn't you think they were sacred?”
John's face paled as he came to accept Zolar's postulate.
“We are all God?” John repeated unsure of his voice.
“Yes!”
“But Good and Evil?”
“All God!” Zolar cried. “Why do you think Christ ask the question, 'my God, why has thou forsaken me?' Because man killed him and that man was God himself!
“Why do you think Christ cried out even while in torment, 'forgive them for they know not what they do.' Because, they were killing God. They were God, and they were literally killing themselves.
“God killed himself and set up a pattern that would bring himself back alive by sacrificing himself! God committed suicide.”
Zolar paused and then began to speak slower as if his own mind were beginning to accept what he had heard himself say.
“The mass exploded. It saw it was going to hell, then it sacrificed part of itself so it would not cease to exist.”
John closed his eyes and placed his hands over them his elbows rested on his knees. He felt as if he were going mad. No wonder the mental hospitals were filled with people over the edge because of religion.
Zolar didn't stop. “The wrathful God condemned them—it was the law; but then he gave his son to save them. He destroyed himself, and couldn't forgive himself, so he gave his son—a part of him—and sacrificed that son, so they could be forgiven and would not perish to hell—to the void—but would come back alive in him.”
John shook his head in his hands. He didn't want to hear anymore, but Zolar wasn't ready to quit. John's mind was screaming, why do I have this burden? His temples were throbbing.
“John, don't you see God died, went to hell, and then came back alive. The universe exploded but part of it sacrificed itself so it might continue to exist. Just like Jesus died, went to hell for three days, and then came back alive. All like the Big Bang, it exploded, went to hell then came back alive!”
John began to fidget he felt he couldn't bear to hear anymore. It was no wonder God was so sacred--God had died--not just God's son, but God himself. He felt his nerve endings screaming in pain, his body shook. What was he suppose to do with this knowledge? He didn't want to hear anymore.”
“Shut up!” A vain in John's forehead protruded. “I don't want to hear anymore!”
Zolar sat down in the stone chair beside John and patted his hand. He understood how John was feeling. He felt an overwhelming despair at the thoughts. He wasn't sure of why, but he felt suicidal. Had God committed suicide? “I can't John. It must be said.”
>
John was crying. Sobbing aloud. The horror—the hopelessness.
“God killed himself so we might live. No wonder he is to be held so sacred. The Good, the Evil, the Neutral, he created them all, for 'All things were made by him, and without him was not anything made that was made.' All created from himself. 'This is my body, this is my blood.' That's why Christ wanted to gather his sheep. Like the theory that if there is enough matter in the universe then it will someday collapse but if there isn't it will go on, and on; and perhaps someday dissipate. It will no longer be able to renew itself. The energy will run out. That's why God has changed his mind several times about destroying mankind. Several times he has created a new covenant with man. He is collecting his sheep, his particles, his very self. Like the nursery rhyme of Humpty Dumpty. 'Humpty dumpty sat on a wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall and all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put humpty dumpty together again.'
“God had a great fall and is trying to put himself back together again. When he get's enough of his energy and matter he will collapse; and that which isn't collected will be cast further into the infinite nothingness, the second death; and they will be condemned. For without the energy and matter they lost it would surely be hell for all of eternity.”
“Shut the fuck up, I said. I don't want to hear anymore.” John sat stiffly erect in the chair, his hands balled into fists.
“I can't John. I know how painful this is but that's why you're here. I understand it now. If you choose the Good, the universe will collapse back into itself. If you choose the Evil, the world and all that we know will continue. But the further it continues the harder it will be to someday come back together. You're here to decide if you will lend your energy and mass to the Good that will end the world, or to the Evil that will continue it.”
Zolar became quiet. His own mind was trying to adjust to the revelation. John was leaning back in the chair his eyes closed, tears streaming down his cheeks.
As they sat there enveloped in the cool silence of the room the pit began to glow. A pale blue, then brighter as a mist rose from the pit. Then a green liquid rose into the chamber. It pulsated and as it rose higher it grew brighter. It began to flow over the edge of the pit, covering the floor it was covering their legs.
John and Zolar stared at the liquid unmoving. John silently prayed it would take him away. He wanted nothing to do with any of this.
The pure, liquid light enveloped the room and covered their bodies. They seemed to not need to breath. They sat there as it rose without resisting. After it had consumed their bodies it began to swirl, moving in a counter clockwise direction. It flowed slowly, shifting and turning, it's light changing as it became splashed with flashing aqua gems, minute prisms, emulating solar systems, shimmering out a cold and fragile light. It was sparkling, it was dancing and then it shimmered out of sight and then there was nothingness.
Blackness.
They were cast out into the still and void. No gravity, no sound, no air, no desire, no one else with them.
They were each alone. No feeling, no sense of time. Not even the sensation that they had a body. Just a mass existing.
They were truly alone. Each one unaware of the others existence and yet were aware that they would remain like that forever, and ever, for all of eternity.
CHAPTER 56
As the room began to return, John felt himself gasping for air. Zolar was doing the same. Their lights were shining brightly.
After several moments of reorienting themselves John stood up and offered Zolar his hand.
“Let's get out of here.”
“I'm with you.” Zolar said accepting John's hand.
They followed the directions Kumara had given them and were soon standing in the moat. It always felt strange how the return trip seems shorter than when you first go somewhere but then they weren't wasting anytime. They wanted out into the open.
Zolar was the first to speak after they had worked their way back onto the golf course.
“John, ever since Jackie and Bernie's center opened they seemed to be mentally linked. Have you experienced that or anything like it?”
“I've noticed how all of them seemed to be connected but I’m not mentally connected to them. Although, I have had some experiences with other people. After the second center opened, it was like a feeling, but I felt disgusted with sex and everyone. I mean it seemed to be like the were dogs in rutting heat. And I had other experiences with the Commander here on the base but I haven't had any telepathic experiences. In the beginning when the centers opened I mostly felt disoriented. I couldn't seem to think clearly, I was in a stupor after each center opened but this time I feel clear headed. Strange.”
They began to walk toward the Ferry Boat terminal to catch the boat back to Manhattan.
“I wonder if I could contact Billy and see if he can pick us up on the other side?” Zolar suggested.
“We can take a taxi.” John said.
“Okay, I guess I just wanted a reason to see if I have telepathic ability too.” Zolar shrugged.
John smiled. “Go ahead, give it a try.”
“Thanks, that's all the encouragement I needed.” Zolar smiled back.
“Billy.” Zolar thought. “Can you hear me?”
Slowly in the depth of his mind Zolar felt the sound of Billy's voice. It felt like a whisper shot rapidly across his mind.
“Yes.” Came the answer.
“Can you pick us up at the Ferry Boat Terminal?” He thought again.
“Twenty minutes, I'll be there.” Came the reply.
Zolar spoke. “I think it worked. I seemed to have got through, at least I think I heard or should I say I felt a response.”
“Good.” John said.
When the Ferry Boat pulled into the Governors Island side of the terminal John and Zolar boarded. It was almost one a.m. and several cars drove off of the boat while they reloaded several more.
“Strange how so many people run around in this city at all hours.” Zolar commented. “You would think they would be at home asleep.”
“It is strange.” John answered. “But I guess we are not anybody to talk. We're still up.”
“Yeah, you're right.”
They went up to the second deck and sat outside watching the Manhattan skyline looming massively on the opposite shore. The Staten Island Ferry Boat sounded it's horn as it departed it's slip on the other side. And almost as if the Coast Guard Ferry Boat was responding it sounded it's horn as it departed Governors Island.
“I hope I never come back here. “ John thought to himself.
After several minutes of listening to the night sounds of New York harbor John spoke.
“What did you see?”
Zolar turned to John as they leaned over the railing the water below slapping at the hull of the boat.
“I think we went to hell.”
“So do I.” John agreed. “There was nothing. I existed but there was nothing else. I didn't even have any memories. I had no thoughts. I just existed. If it wasn't hell then it sure felt like hell.”
“I guess everyone has a different opinion of hell. Some say fire and brimstone and some believe you just live over and over the most horrible experience in your life but total existence without anyone or anything, all alone. That felt like hell.”
John nodded as they stood there staring out at the water, the Statute of Liberty standing tall in the distance. They didn't talk anymore and when the boat landed they left the boat. As they exited the terminal building there was Billy's truck.
“It worked.” Zolar said as they went over to greet Billy. Zolar opened the truck door and let John climb in first.
“How's everything?” John asked as he felt Billy's uneasiness.
“John something has happen.” Billy said as he put the truck into gear, even before Zolar had completely closed the truck door.
“What's wrong?” John asked.
“It's Rudy. He's dead.” Billy said as he stepp
ed down on the accelerator.
“What happen?” John said watching Billy.
“We were all sitting around waiting for the center to open. Everyone was there. Jamal, Mindy, the preacher, everybody in Bernie's room and we talked about the centers and Rudy came—Michael had invited him. Michael thought that since Rudy had experienced one of the openings he might be important. Anyway, Michael invited him and we all sat around talking. Well Michael told us how he thought we should all go to Roanoke tomorrow. I mean, actually he called us earlier in the day and told us. Well, it all made sense. Michael has even scheduled reservations for all of us to go to Roanoke. He invited Rudy and we were all just sitting around talking about what's been going on and trying to answer Rudy's questions. It got quiet and we just sat there waiting for the center to open. Then it opened and I guess you experienced what we did. I mean, we compared notes and we were all stuck off alone, with nothing. We knew nothing, felt nothing. Just totally alone. Then we came back and there was Rudy sitting in the arm chair dead.”
“What caused it?” John asked.
“We don't know unless it's a heart attack or something. We hadn’t examined the body yet. We were going to look at him when I got the message from Zolar to come and pick you guys up. I guess they're looking now. Hopefully they will know what happen by the time we get back.”
CHAPTER 57
John and Zolar left Billy to park the truck while they headed for the hotel suite. Upon entering they found the solemn faces sitting around staring at Rudy's body. Every head turned to John as if he had all the answers.
“Billy told us.” John said.
“We've examined him the best we could and it looks like he might have had a heart attack.” Michael explained his voice sounded as if he had a lump in it.