by Selma Wolfe
“Whazzit?” She yawned and pushed herself up haphazardly, rubbing at her eyes. Mark had seen that more than once now; it seemed to be what she did whenever she woke up. He could get used to that.
No, actually, he couldn’t. Mark felt grim reality settle over him and crush the fragile happiness of a few moments ago. Even if he wasn’t a walking disaster, he was putting Nikki in danger just by being close to her. He never should have involved her in the first place - but how could he have guessed things would go this far? How could he have known that in just a few short days, watching Nikki blink sleepily at him would make him feel this way?
“Come on,” told Nikki shortly. “We’re at your apartment. Time for bed.”
He paid the taxi driver, ignored the frown the man directed at Mark’s cold voice, and followed Nikki as she stumbled to the door and buzzed herself in.
“Oh look,” she said happily, wandering down the hall, clearly still in a sleep fog. “The elevator’s working again.”
Mark felt himself tense up. Of course the darn thing was waiting on their level and the doors slid open the instant Nikki pushed the button. She stepped in without hesitation and then, realizing Mark hadn’t followed, peered back out at him.
“Something wrong?” she asked, the muzziness starting to clear from her voice.
There were a hundred things he could have said. Mark could have told her that the elevator was still unlikely to be safe after its maintenance, or that it was unwise to get themselves into any tight spots with Ghost lurking around corners. He could have edged around the truth and told Nikki that he hated confined spaces.
He could have just turned and walked away from the elevator, the apartment, and Nikki, and never come back. There was nothing tying him to this place, not really.
As she waited patiently Nikki shifted her weight from foot to foot and winced.
Mark bit down on the inside of his cheek and set his jaw. Nikki’s feet hurt. He could take the elevator.
He strode inside, trying not to think too hard, and gestured for Nikki to hit the button. She did and the doors slid slowly shut while Nikki’s gaze burned against the side of his face.
“Are you okay?” she asked softly. Her voice was something good to focus on; something to distract Mark from the walls closing in and the panic threatening to claw its way out of his chest. It was immediately apparent that this had been a Bad Idea.
“I don’t… There was this thing. That happened. I don’t really care for… tight spaces, these days,” he said. It felt like he was fighting for air, but the words didn’t sound as strangled as he’d thought they would. The knowledge that he still had some self-control calmed him a little.
Mark was distantly aware that his hands were clenched so tightly into fists that his fingernails were cutting half-moons into his palms. He didn’t care. He gritted his teeth and squeezed his hands harder, anything for a distraction.
“Hey.” Fingertips touched his cheek and Mark flinched away in surprise.
Nikki drew back, looking hurt. But before he could apologize or say anything she narrowed her eyes, reached up again, and laid her hands flat on either side of his face.
“Focus on me,” she said, sounding not exactly cheerful but… calm. Confident. Her bright green eyes filled his field of vision. “Think about something else.”
“Like what?” Mark managed to say.
Nikki bit down on one full, pink lip. She opened her mouth to speak and then realized where his attention had turned. She licked her lips and the very edges of her mouth turned up.
“How about this?” she said.
Mark saw it coming, of course he did, but he still couldn’t quite believe it when she stretched up on her tiptoes and pressed a soft kiss against his mouth. Nikki was warm and smelled like something sweet. His eyes slid shut automatically at the feeling of her plush lips pressed up against his.
Without thinking he put his arm around her and slid his hand down to the small of her back, pulling her close. Nikki made a noise against his mouth that was muffled as the kiss deepened. Her hands tightened on his face so that she was angling his face and pulling him down toward her, too. Mark traced his tongue around the outside of her lips and Nikki parted them.
The elevator dinged and jolted to a halt.
Nikki was still standing on her toes and the sudden sway nearly knocked her off her feet. She squealed and Mark grabbed her close. She clutched at his waist, safely upright but with her face now pressed against his chest. Mark wanted to curse, or maybe kick something.
She pushed away from him a little bit and peered up, an attractive brush coloring her cheeks. “Um, maybe we should…” she nodded toward the doors.
“Oh! Right. Right, let’s…” Mark gestured for her to go first and Nikki went, though she raised an eyebrow at him with a hint of exasperation. He appreciated the concern, but he appreciated the fact that she let him have his pride even more.
He stepped out smartly as the elevator doors began to slide closed, but he no longer felt the smothering sense of panic that had snuck over him before. His mind had other things to focus on, just like Nikki had planned.
Mark was either awed by her ingenuity or about to be very, very irritated. The answer mostly depended on how serious she had been about that kiss.
She hurried down the hall to her door, wobbling a bit on her sore feet, and though Mark’s eyes were trained firmly on the curve of her butt in the tight jeans she was wearing, sense slowly began to return to him.
Just because she’d kissed him didn’t make this any more doable than it had been five minutes ago. Nikki was beautiful and smart and determined, and she made him feel more alive than he’d felt in years – more alive, happier, than he’d ever felt, in fact. But he was still damaged goods.
Even if the two of them somehow managed to get rid of the threat presented by Ghost, the fact was that Nikki deserved someone better. Someone who wouldn’t drag her down; who could let her keep seeing the world the way she saw it now, as something always bright and clean and beautiful.
“You coming?” Nikki asked over her shoulder as she managed to unlock the door and stepped inside, holding it open for him. The blush on her cheeks was fading, and she looked uncertain.
“I - yeah,” Mark said, unable to think of anything else to tell her. He didn’t know yet how to put into words all the things he knew he had to say, but couldn’t bring himself to speak.
“Do you want me to make some tea? Or toast? Or… that’s pretty much all I have, actually,” Nikki called as she hobbled into the kitchen and ransacked the medicine cabinet. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Mark. Her hands moved frantically, tearing open packets of bandages and squeezing too much antibiotic out of the tube. Her feet didn’t hurt that badly, but she had the feeling that whatever Mark was about to say would.
She heard Mark walk up to the boundary where the living area met the kitchen and pause. Her heartbeat thudded in her ears. She was such an idiot. This wouldn’t hurt so bad if it wasn’t her own stupid fault.
If she’d only kissed Mark to distract him it would have been one thing. It should have only been a distraction. Something pure and disinterested, done solely out of the good of her heart. Maybe this was karma punishing her for twisting Mark’s distress to press her advantage.
But it had just felt right, in a way she couldn’t fully explain, not even to herself. Mark had been so close, staring around with desperate eyes, and she’d known exactly what to do. It had all seemed so simple. Mark needed something, and Nikki wanted to give him anything he needed, and Mark would never ask. So she gave herself freely, without waiting for permission.
Maybe that was wrong, but though she felt regret thick on her tongue already, she still didn’t feel sorry. She’d done what had to be done, and she’d do it again if she had to. No matter her personal feelings. There was just something about Mark, something beyond the cheekbones and light eyes-dark hair combination, that drew her in like a riptide and kept her treading ch
oppy water just to stay close to him.
“Nikki…” Mark’s voice was uncertain in a way she didn’t recognize. Not from him. Nikki squeezed her eyes shut and twisted a bandage in her hands.
“It’s fine,” she found herself saying. She didn’t look at him. “It… look, we’ll pretend it didn’t happen, okay? I was trying to be distracting. Behold my success. And kisses – well, kisses don’t mean anything.” She didn’t believe that. She’d never believed that, though she’d dated some men who had.
Mark coughed in a disapproving way that made Nikki think he didn’t believe it either. But the seconds passed by in silence until he finally said, “Alright. If that’s the way things are.” He still sounded off-balance, but there was something relieved in his voice that hit Nikki like a punch in the gut.
She steeled herself; forced herself to open her eyes and continue carefully applying her field dressings. “Yep. It is,” she said, arranging the mangled bandage on her heel. It would fall off in a minute, but by that time Mark would have moved away.
“Right. Do… do you need any help with that?” Mark asked. The question sounded genuine. Nikki made a face that thankfully he couldn’t see. That was just what she needed, the further mortification of Mark staring at her gross blistered feet.
“Nope. But thanks. I’ll finish here and then head to bed. Are you taking the sofa again?” As much as Nikki wanted to want him to leave, she didn’t. And as much as she didn’t want to admit it, that wasn’t solely for the sake of the extra protection.
“If that’s alright with you.” She heard one of his feet slide forward across the kitchen tile and then stop, like he was going to come over to her but decided against it.
Nikki shook her head determinedly and forced a smile into her voice. “Of course! Get anything you need out of the linen closet. And by that I mean, the laundry basket. It’s clean-ish.”
“Thanks, Nikki. For… everything. I’ll see you in the morning,” Mark said, and walked away just in time to miss the bandage falling right back off her foot.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Nikki shot upright in bed, her heart racing.
She sat there panting for a long moment, straining her ears but hearing nothing except the sound of her own ragged breathing. One moment after another passed in peaceful silence and her pulse slowly started to return to normal. Just a false alarm, a bad dream, she told herself.
Then another strangled yell tore through the air, and this time she knew she wasn’t dreaming. Nikki physically recoiled purely on instinct, slapping her hands over her ears and cowering against the headboard.
“Oh God!” She remembered in a flash of adrenaline-fueled awareness that for the first time in ages, she wasn’t alone in the apartment.
Mark was out there, and those tortured sounds had to be coming from him.
Without thinking Nikki tore the covers off and raced out of her bedroom, only pausing to grab a heavy snow globe off her nightstand.
Her bare feet slapped against the floor and she hurtled into the living room, the snow globe raised in her hand. She skidded to a halt, took aim, and…
Another agonized shout clawed at her ears, but she only saw Mark, fallen off the sofa and twisted in the blanket. His limbs struggled with the blanket and he was shaking his head his head back and forth. His face was contorted in a grimace. The hand that wasn’t caught in the blanket was clutching desperately at empty air.
Nikki dropped the snow globe. It thudded against the floor at her feet and rolled away.
The sound seemed to rouse Mark a bit, because he stilled and drew in a ragged breath. Nikki rushed over and fell to her knees beside him.
“Wake up,” she said gently. She dropped a hand down to smooth his hair.
Mark’s eyes flew open wide and without any further warning one of his fists shot up toward her. Nikki yanked herself back, but the twisted blanket stopped his movement, and for a long moment she stared into Mark’s haunted blue eyes, holding her breath.
Awareness settled over Mark’s face, but as he came awake, Nikki saw horror set in. He looked around at where his arm was still raised in the air. He yanked it down and clutched it to his chest.
“It’s okay,” Nikki said immediately, though that wasn’t precisely true. “You were asleep.”
“Damn. Damn…” Mark pushed himself upright and away from her, moving closer to the couch with every limb he tugged free of the blanket. “Nikki, that’s not okay. Nothing is okay about that. I almost hit you!”
“You weren’t awake; you didn’t know,” she reminded him. Mark scrambled onto the couch and gripped the cushion with both hands, like he was afraid of himself. He looked like he was about to be sick. Nikki tried to follow him to sit on the couch, but as soon as she moved forward he shook his head violently and threw up a hand, palm out.
“Don’t,” he said. She didn’t.
The clock in the corner of the room read 2:45 AM. Now that the awful yelling was over, Nikki was able to hear the eerie calm of New York City at unreasonable o’clock in the morning. There was still traffic outside, but she’d grown so used to it that she could barely hear it other than as comfortable white noise. It felt like the whole world was asleep except for the two of them, enclosed in the safe bubble of her apartment. And though Mark’s face was still marred by pain and both of them were breathing hard with the aftermath of adrenaline rushing through their blood, not to mention there was a criminal out there with a grudge against them both, Nikki still felt less hopeless than she had a week ago before she’d walked into Mark’s office.
That wasn’t exactly a comforting realization, especially since Mark was slowly inching as far away from her as he could get while contained by the sofa’s back.
“Hey,” she said as lightly as she could, “you okay in there?”
She guessed no, judging by the half-incredulous, half-withering look Mark shot her.
The words did seem to release some of the tension cording his muscles, which she could see clearly now that they weren’t covered by his familiar dark jacket. He’d run around the city yesterday as tirelessly as any soldier, but Nikki still wouldn’t have guessed at the hard definition of his chest and the obvious strength of his arms.
“Hell no.” He gave her an agonized look. “Nikki, I am so sorry. I never would… well, I guess I almost did. I’m so, so sorry.”
For a moment Nikki just breathed and let herself accept the apology, for both their sakes.
“Thanks,” she said. “But I do know it was an accident and you didn’t know what you were doing.”
Mark finally let go of the sofa cushion to scrub a hand over his face. “Christ. It’s late. You should go back to bed.”
Nikki wavered, but she could tell that he meant it. She bit her lip and then clambered to her feet. “Are you sure there’s nothing…”
Mark waved her away and shook his head. “No, I’ll be fine. I’m just going to get a drink and eventually I’ll go back to sleep.”
She had started to turn away, but at those words Nikki screeched to a halt and spun back around. She stared at Mark and he blinked back at her, clearly still too out of it to realize his mistake.
“What do you mean, you’ll get a drink?” she asked. The inflection of Mark’s voice had made it obvious already, but the way his gaze immediately dropped to the floor with a guilt-stricken expression condemned him.
Nikki grappled with her sleep-deprived brain for the right words.
“Earlier,” she said slowly, cutting Mark off when he opened his mouth, “you said you couldn’t sleep. You said it days ago. This was what you meant, wasn’t it? Something happened to you, and you dream about it, and then you - what, you self-medicate? Do you have any idea how stupid that is?”
Her voice rose to a shout somehow without her willing it to. When she reached the end of her spiel Mark stared up at her, his eyes steely and the blue turned icy-cold. There was a guard up over his face that hadn’t been there before, not since the first day. It hurt Nikki to
see it.
“Thanks,” he said, his voice as cold as his eyes, “but I don’t need amateur psychology from an unemployed art student. You can’t even get a job or keep a relationship, at your age! How about until you actually accomplish something, you don’t tell me what to do. Just…” his voice faltered, as if he’d realized how harsh his counter-attack was too late. “Just leave me alone. I didn’t ask for you to - to get involved. I’m fine.”
Maybe it was the hour of the night, or the way all her defenses had been down and she hadn’t been expecting it - not from him - but Nikki had to blink back tears.
“Fine,” she said in a small voice, not trusting herself to say anything else for a moment. But then she swallowed hard and choked back the urge to cry. The waterworks would have to wait. “I won’t - I won’t ask you another damn thing. But I’m not going to just go back to bed and let you, um, let you do that. Either you’re coming to my bedroom or I’m sleeping out here.”
She felt a quick stab of vindication at Mark’s stunned expression. “What?”
Nikki crossed her arms, surreptitiously hugging them to her chest. “Obviously I don’t have any control over what you do when you’re on your own. But right now you’re here with me, and I’m not going to let you hurt yourself. Having someone around has to help. If you start having nightmares, I’ll wake up, and then I can wake you up too.”
Mark’s face looked shadowed by more than just the dim light. “It’s not safe to be near me when I’m sleeping. You saw, I almost hurt you.”
Nikki sighed, feeling worn out and past the point of patience. “Then you can sleep at the side of the bed like a fricking dog, okay? Whatever. Just… Come on.”
To her weary surprise Mark rubbed at his face again and then gathered the blankets in his arms. Afraid to break the momentary spell of compliance, Nikki padded silently to her bedroom, checking every few seconds that Mark was still behind her.