by Selma Wolfe
“Come on, the elevator’s this way,” Mark said.
He started walking down the hall, but Nikki shook her head.
“No, we’re taking the stairs,” she said. She felt a stab of sick vindication when Mark’s head snapped around and he immediately dropped his gaze, looking shamed and angry. Red spots flared along the lines of his cheekbones. If he wasn’t acting like such an ass for no reason… she thought. She followed Mark into the stairwell and climbed after him. His shoulders slumped as he trudged up the stairs and the momentary victorious feeling slipped away, leaving her just feeling sick.
On the third floor Mark finally crossed to the door. He didn’t pull it open for her and wave her through, but charged through himself first before pausing and holding it open behind him like he couldn’t quite stand to just let the door slam in her face. Nikki couldn’t understand it. She couldn’t understand him.
“Right down here,” Mark said, the first debatably non-essential words he’d spoken to her since this morning. She hated herself for the hope that rose in her chest, and the way Mark turned his head when she looked eagerly at him.
Fine. If this was the way he wanted things to be, she wouldn’t fight it.
The jerk didn’t have to struggle with a rusty lock the way she did. He didn’t even have a key; he pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and waved it in front of the door. There must have been one of those fancy magnetized cards in there, because the mechanism inside slid open with a gentle click. This time, Nikki was expecting it when Mark walked right in and didn’t wait for her.
“So. Where am I sleeping?” Nikki asked as soon as she stepped over the threshold. She refused to be impressed. A nice apartment did not make a nice person, anyway. Even if it did have huge ceilings and a shiny chrome kitchen. Whatever. She didn’t need any of that. She couldn’t even cook.
She almost laughed when Mark looked affronted. “The bed, of course,” he said. “Where else? You can’t think I’d make you sleep on the floor.”
At that, she did laugh. “Oh right, because you’re such a gentleman,” she scoffed. Nikki thought she detected a flash of hurt in Mark’s blue eyes, but the expression was shuttered before she was even sure it had been there. “I guess only when you feel like it, huh? You sure had me fooled.”
Mark angled his body toward one of the huge open windows. Rain was starting to patter against the glass. It had been a stormy week, and Nikki couldn’t tell which way the wind was blowing.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Mark said in a dull voice, like he couldn’t even be bothered to act like he believed it.
Nikki wasn’t sure if she was about to scream or fall down. “Of course you don’t,” she snarled.
When that didn’t get a reply she asked hopelessly, “You don’t have an evil twin or something, do you?” She was so tired and confused. She just wanted some answers. It was bad enough that there was a dangerous criminal threatening her and she had no idea what to do about it. Now her only port in the storm was throwing up the gates and threatening to lock her out. Nikki didn’t know what she’d do if Mark walked away. Get killed, probably.
Part of her refused to even contemplate that Mark would abandon her. The mere thought was absurd. She’d watched Mark throw himself in the path of a knife to save her, for God’s sake.
And yet, how well did she really know Mark, even after the best part of the last couple weeks had been spent together? Two days ago she never would have imagined that Mark was capable of treating her with the kind of coldness he was displaying now, and for apparently no reason.
Mark didn’t respond or even look Nikki’s way and all the fight fell away from her. She put her hands up to her face and rubbed her eyes, ignoring eye shadow and mascara wholesale. It didn’t matter if she looked like a raccoon. Mark didn’t care anyway.
“The bedroom’s down the hall. Help yourself to anything in the cupboards, or the kitchen. Or, well, just anything at all. Let me know if you need me,” he said. The words sounded oddly genuine, even spoken in that strange monotone he’d adopted.
Confusion and resentment and exhaustion welled up inside Nikki. Before she could help herself she snapped, “Please, like you could help anyone. You’re a pathetic mess. It’s no wonder you’re all alone. Who would want to stay with - this?” She gestured wildly at him, wishing he could feel the pain of being shoved away for no reason. It wasn’t fair.
As soon as the words were out of her mouth she regretted them. They were lies as unfair as the way that Mark was acting.
Mark went utterly still, his gaze still trained on the raindrops falling from the sky. His jaw tightened and the cords in his neck stood out. For a second it looked as if Nikki had turned him to stone. She held her breath and gathered her courage.
“Oh God.” Nikki sucked in a breath and swallowed hard. “Mark, I’m - I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded, or… I just didn’t mean that, okay? I’m just tired, and I don’t understand why you’ve been acting like this. You won’t explain! But that’s not an excuse. I’m so, so sorry.”
An eternity passed and Mark said nothing. A sick, ugly feeling curdled in Nikki’s belly. She couldn’t find the words to tell Mark how much she hated herself for those words; how little they had actually meant. Nikki screamed at herself in her head, demanding that her mind surrender the words to explain herself, but it wouldn’t. She just stood there uselessly.
Finally Mark gave a soft exhale and half-turned to look at Nikki. He gave her an odd little smile that turned her stomach.
“It’s fine,” he shrugged. He looked quickly between Nikki and the door, the first sign of any sort of emotion that he’d betrayed. “So if you’re going to be alright here, I’m just going to head back out and keep working.”
“Mark, I’m sorry,” Nikki said, desperate for some sort of acknowledgment. She stepped forward quickly and reached out to touch Mark’s arm.
Before her fingers landed on his sleeve Mark suddenly seemed to come to life. He jumped back from her touch so quickly that he stumbled backward and had to grab at the wall for support, backing away from Nikki like she was diseased.
Nikki stood there in shock with her hand still outstretched. Tears sprang to her eyes and she had to blink them back.
“I… I’m sorry,” she repeated blankly. “I just want you to know I didn’t mean those things. Any of them. Okay?”
Mark nodded tightly and dodged around Nikki for the door. As he moved past Nikki caught a glimpse of his face drawn tight and pale. His eyes looked haunted. His shoulders were slumped forward like he was pulling back from a blow.
At the entrance to the apartment Mark paused with his hand hovering over the doorknob. He cocked his head back and Nikki watched the curve of his neck since he wouldn’t meet her eyes.
“It really is okay,” he said softly, with an imitation of that empty smile. But he couldn’t keep the sadness out of it this time; it tugged down the corners of his mouth, making him look young and lost. “Nothing you said was a lie.”
Then he walked out. As soon as the door shut, Nikki collapsed into tears.
Mark’s feet pounded the pavement as he stormed through the streets of New York without seeing them. He didn’t know where he was or where he was going. All he saw was the anger and disdain on Nikki’s face as she sneered at him for thinking he was capable of doing anything right. Of helping anyone. Of being anything but a disaster.
Of being worthy of her attention.
A shoulder slammed into Mark’s and a big muscle-bound guy whirled around with a shout. When he caught a glimpse of Mark’s face, though, something made him pause and let it go with a scowl. Mark barely noticed; he strode forward at a frantic pace, putting as much distance as possible between himself and all the mistakes he had made.
Like talking to Nikki. He should have known - he should have known. It had happened before; what on earth had made him think it wouldn’t happen again? When you opened up to people they remembered your w
eaknesses and used them to tear you apart. Just because Nikki smiled when he laughed and listened raptly when he described the process of investigation didn’t mean she was any different. Clearly.
“Hey!” a feminine voice shouted. Mark stopped in his tracks and looked back instinctively. A short, curvy brunette was staring in dismay at the shopping bag he’d accidentally torn out of her hands when he passed by. Its contents were strewn all over the ground, which was awkward since her shopping seemed to consist entirely of lacy black underwear.
As angry as Mark was, he couldn’t ignore a woman the same way he’d ignored the man that had almost confronted him. He walked back and stooped down on the pavement gamely, though he wasn’t quite sure whether to actually help her pick up the garments or not. “I’m very sorry, ma’am,” he said when the brunette leveled a glare at him.
She stared at him with wide brown eyes for a moment before exhaling. “Guess I can’t be too mad at any guy in New York City who says ‘ma’am’. But watch where you’re going, okay?”
Mark nodded solemnly. By that point she’d finished stowing everything back inside her bag, so he offered her a hand up. Her palm was warm and very soft against his. It made Mark realize that Nikki’s hand didn’t feel like this, not exactly. Nikki’s fingers still had slight callouses from all her years of painting and sketching for hours every day.
“Rosa,” the woman said, holding on for several seconds longer than strictly necessary. She flashed him a wide, toothy grin.
“Hello, Rosa. I’m Mark and I’m very sorry about, er, knocking into you.” He felt trapped by the look she was giving him, though surely it was innocent enough. Flattering, even. Mark made himself study the brunette. His eye was drawn to her ample curves, and the way she dressed to highlight them. Her hair was big in that way women’s hair sometimes was that Mark couldn’t quite figure out. It was probably witchcraft, or maybe a lot of hairspray.
“I suppose that’s alright,” she said, flicking a gaze up at him through her long eyelashes. “I might give even give you the chance to make it up to me… if you want.”
Did he want? Rosa watched him expectantly and Mark tried to think. His brain felt tangled in knots still, stuck between anger and desire for things he couldn’t have. Could he transfer that desire?
It wouldn’t be any fairer to inflict himself on this woman, of course. Just because Mark didn’t know Rosa the way he knew Nikki didn’t mean that she deserved anything less than a good man and a happy life. But maybe Rosa wouldn’t mind only knowing him for a night. Maybe all he needed was warm skin and a smiling face; someone who would take as much as she gave and leave him with no regrets.
“Would you like…” Mark started to say slowly, not entirely sure where he was going with this. He’d never been much for casual flings. It had always seemed so empty and pointless - hollow, like plastic fruit instead of the real thing. But he could see the appeal now, at least a little. Maybe the beauty of a stranger was that they could distract each other for long enough that they would walk away with their hunger for a connection eased. It didn’t have to be everything, it just had to be enough; enough to get from one moment to the next. Enough to ease the hurt that was still raw inside him.
Rosa smiled brilliantly and Mark’s heart clenched. He had a vivid memory of the way Nikki’s lips curved when she smiled; of the way her green eyes looked at him.
He abruptly stopped speaking and the hope that had risen up inside him faded. It was too late, he realized. He didn’t just want a connection anymore. Maybe that was all he’d wanted when Nikki walked into his office, but that wasn’t what he wanted anymore. He wanted Nikki; he wanted that connection because it was a connection to her. Nothing else would be good enough anymore.
Julia’s smile softened into something rueful as Mark swallowed and shook his head.
“I’m - I’m sorry,” he said, feeling terrible - for having to turn her down, for himself, just in general. “I thought maybe - but I can’t. Not right now. There’s this - well, there isn’t really, we didn’t ever actually say - but…”
“Honey, if you’re stammering that much, I think it’s safe to say you’ve got a prior commitment, even if you don’t have a written contract,” Rosa said drily. The flirtation was gone from her face, leaving her looking sharp-eyed and faintly irritated.
“I think I just wish I had a prior commitment,” Mark said, knocked off-balance into honesty.
Rosa hoisted her bag further up her arm and surveyed him with pursed lips.
“Of course, I wouldn’t know. But seems to me that any woman would be a fool to let a handsome, mannerly guy like you go, so long as she doesn’t mind them a little on the serious side.”
Mark had worse problems than being too serious, and Nikki was smart enough to realize it. But he accepted the compliment with a forced smile and let Rosa pass on by.
CHAPTER TEN
Nikki woke up on the sofa half-frozen. She raised her head and blinked around the room.
“Charm?” she called, though even if she had been in her own apartment that would have been a stupid thing to say. Iguanas didn’t exactly bark back at you. As far as she could tell they didn’t so much as hiss.
And Nikki was not in her own apartment, she realized rapidly. She pushed herself up on the unyielding leather of the sofa and looked around.
The lights were still on because she’d collapsed in a puddle of tears and gone straight to sleep. She’d felt stretched taut and frayed at the ends, but now… Nikki checked the clock… yikes, eight hours later, she was puffy-eyed but felt more herself again.
Nikki got up and wandered through the apartment, hunting for the bathroom. The apartment felt like one sleek line, all monochrome black and silver.
Mark’s apartment was at least three times the size of hers, but it felt about ten times bigger. The whole thing was just so sleek and quiet and untouched. Nikki poked around the living space and kitchen hesitantly, but saw no signs of life to distinguish this from a model home on display. There were no pictures, no art hung, no knick-knacks you picked up on vacations. Surely he had something from his grandparents, at least? But then Nikki thought of a lost, irresponsible 17 year old wandering the streets of New York City. Maybe not. Maybe he’d had nothing left at that point.
She shivered and slipped past the cracked door into his bedroom.
This room at least let Nikki know that he hadn’t dropped her at a complete stranger’s place. The bed was wide and covered in silky gray sheets that seemed like Mark’s taste, though it looked un-slept in. There was a single bedside table. Debate raged in Nikki’s head for about a quarter of a second, and then she opened up the drawer. Her eyebrows shot up. A notepad, Vaseline, and a compact black gun. Just the essentials, then, she thought with a wry twist to her mouth. She slid the drawer shut carefully and skipped away to less guilt-inspiring areas.
On either side of the bedroom there was a large window with the curtains pulled back. There was a reasonably sized walk-in closet full of pretty much what Nikki expected; expensive jeans and expensive suits. She clicked the closet light off after only a minute and walked back out. The apartment confirmed what she’d already suspected - Mark was a lot more interesting than his possessions.
The only other thing in the room was a huge bookcase overflowing with books of every shape and size. Nikki stared up at the bizarre array of everything from comics to complex medical texts. Did he really read all of these, she wondered? Or were they just bizarre trophies taken from his cases? She couldn’t wait to ask him.
If he’d talk to her again, that was.
It was difficult to remember her exact wording, but Nikki knew that she’d said some truly awful things. Pathetic mess… all alone… who would stay… She hugged her arms to her chest and closed her eyes, trying to block out the memory of Mark’s wounded expression. He had told her things that she was sure he hadn’t told many, if any, people, and Nikki had thrown it back in his face.
He did the same to you, a nasty li
ttle voice inside her whispered. And it was hard to deny the truth of that. Mark had looked into Nikki’s eyes like he was looking inside her and liking what he saw, and then he’d lashed out and none of Nikki’s usual guards had been up to protect her.
So? Nikki demanded angrily of herself. Is that was this is? Payback? Two wrongs don’t make a right, and even if they did, I wouldn’t want to hurt him. She hung her head and breathed deeply. That wasn’t the kind of person she wanted to be. She needed to apologize to Mark as soon as possible.
With a last brush of her fingertips against the spines of Mark’s books - wow, he hadn’t dusted in awhile - Nikki walked out of the bedroom and started hunting for her phone. She wasn’t sure if it had a charge or not, but she couldn’t just sit here and wait for Mark to come back without trying anything.
The apartment almost echoed in the early morning silence. Nikki found herself trying not to make too much noise. “Where the heck did it go?” she muttered, hunting around in the couch cushions and wondering wildly if Mark had for some reason taken her phone.
Something caught her attention and Nikki froze, her senses hunting for a sight or sound out of place. She couldn’t see anything; she strained her ears but only heard the noises of the street below. Nikki’s muscles started to slowly relax again and she sighed, inhaling the leathery smell of the sofa.
“Looking for this?” a voice purred behind her.
“Hey! Hey! C’mon, buddy, up!”
Mark shot bolt upright in a scattered array of blankets and stared wide-eyed at the concerned face looking back at him. Julian’s dark face almost blended into the black room, but his brown eyes stood out and kept Mark’s attention.
“I’m awake. I’m awake. Sorry,” Mark gasped, heaving in air. His shoulder felt heavy and he realized that one of Julian’s big hands was resting on it.