by Sarah Morgan
No, Jenna thought weakly. She definitely wasn’t. ‘Of course I’m OK. Why wouldn’t I be? I’m great. Fine. I’m good. Really happy. Looking forward to a day off.’
Lexi backed away, hands raised. ‘All right, all right. No need to go overboard—I was just asking. You look like you’re having a breakdown or something.’
‘No. No breakdown.’ Her voice high pitched, Jenna pinned a smile on her face. She was good at this bit. Feel one emotion, show another. She’d done it repeatedly after her marriage had fallen apart. Misery on the inside, smile on the outside. Only in this case it was crazy lust-filled woman on the inside, respectable mother on the outside. ‘Have a really, really nice day, Lexi. I’m glad you’ve made friends so quickly.’
Lexi narrowed her eyes suspiciously. ‘What? No lecture? No “Don’t go too near the edge or speak to strangers”? No “Sex is for two people who love each other and are old enough to understand the commitment”? Are you sure you’re OK?’
Back to thinking about Ryan, Jenna barely heard her. ‘I thought you wanted me to worry less.’
‘Yes, but I didn’t exactly expect you to manage it!’
‘Well, you can relax. I haven’t actually stopped worrying—I’ve just stopped talking about it.’ Still clutching the envelope, Jenna stood up and made herself another cup of tea. ‘I’ve brought you up with the right values—it’s time I trusted you. Time I gave you more independence and freedom to make your own mistakes.’
‘Mum, are you feeling all right?’
No. No, she wasn’t feeling all right.
She was feeling very confused. She was thinking about nothing but sex and that just wasn’t her, was it? Had Clive’s brutal betrayal left her so wounded and insecure that she needed affirmation that she was still an attractive woman? Or was it something to do with wanting what you couldn’t have?
Lexi folded her arms. ‘So you’re perfectly OK if I just spend the day up at the castle, taking drugs and making out with Fraser?’
‘That’s fine.’ Thinking of the way Ryan’s body had felt against hers, Jenna stared blindly out of the kitchen window. ‘Have a nice time.’
‘OK, this is spooky. I just told you I’m going to use drugs and make out and you want me to have a nice time?’
Had she really said that? ‘I know you wouldn’t do that.’ Jenna mindlessly tidied the kitchen. ‘You’re too sensible. You’re always telling me you’re going to have a career before children.’
‘Sex doesn’t have to end in children, Mum.’ Lexi’s voice was dry as she picked up her phone and her iPod and walked towards the door. ‘One day, when you’re old enough, I’ll explain it all to you. In the meantime I’ll leave you to your incoherent ramblings. Oh, and you might want to remove the teabags from the washing machine—you’ll be looking for them later.’
She’d put the teabags in the washing machine?
Jenna extracted them, her cheeks pink, her brain too fuddled to form an appropriate response. ‘Have fun. Don’t forget your key.’
‘You’re acting so weird.’ Lexi slipped it into her pocket, staring at her mother as if she were an alien. ‘You know—last night, for a moment, I really thought—’
Jenna’s breathing stopped. ‘What did you think?’
‘I thought that you—’ Lexi broke off and shrugged. ‘Never mind. Crazy idea, and anyway I was wrong. Thank goodness. What are you planning to do today?’
Chew over everything that had happened the night before; try not to spend the day thinking of Ryan; remind herself that she was too old to have crushes on men—‘Housework,’ Jenna muttered, staring blindly at the pile of unwashed plates that were waiting to be stacked in the dishwasher. ‘Catch up on a few things. The laundry basket is overflowing, and I need to weed the herbaceous border.’ It all sounded like a boring day to her, but her answer seemed to satisfy Lexi.
Clearly Lexi had been reassured by Evanna’s assertion that the two of them had been discussing the emergency they’d dealt with. Either that or she’d just decided that no man was ever going to be seriously interested in her mother.
‘I’ll see you later, then. Do you mind if I take Rebel?’ Grabbing his lead, Lexi whistled to the dog and sauntered off to meet Fraser and his friends at the castle, leaving Jenna to face a day on her own with her thoughts.
And her thoughts didn’t make good company.
Tormented by the memory of what had happened the night before, she pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and sat down with a thump. Then she smoothed the crumpled envelope she’d been clutching and stared at her list. She’d started with ten but there were probably a million reasons why it was a bad idea to kiss Ryan McKinley.
With a groan, she buried her face in her hands. She had to stop this nonsense. She had to pull herself together and act like an adult. She was a mother, for goodness’ sake.
‘You’re obviously feeling as frustrated as I am.’ His voice came from the doorway and Jenna flew to her feet, the chair crashing backwards onto the tiled floor, her heart pounding.
‘Ryan!’ The fact that she’d been thinking about him made the whole thing even more embarrassing—but not as humiliating as the fact that she was wearing nothing but her knickers and the old tee shirt of Lexi’s that she’d worn to bed. Jenna tugged at the hem, until she realised that just exposed more of her breasts. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Trying to have five minutes with you without the whole of Glenmore watching.’ He strode across the kitchen, righting the chair that she’d tipped over. Then he gave her a wicked smile. ‘Nice outfit.’
Too shocked to move, Jenna watched him walk towards her, dealing with the fact that a man was looking at her with undisguised sexual interest and he wasn’t Clive. There was no mixing this man up with Clive. Her ex-husband was slight of build, with pale skin from spending most of his day in an office. Ryan was tall and broad-shouldered, his skin bronzed from the combination of wind and sun. When she’d looked at Clive she hadn’t thought of sex and sin, but when she looked at Ryan—
He stopped in front of her. ‘You have fantastic legs.’
A thrill of dangerous pleasure mingled with embarrassment. ‘How did you get in?’
‘The usual way—through the door.’ Before she could say a word, he caught the front of her tee shirt in his hand, jerked her against him and brought his mouth down on hers. A thousand volts of pure sexual chemistry shot through her body and thoughts of sex and sin exploded into reality.
Jenna gripped his arms, feeling hard male muscle flex under her fingers. ‘I’ve been thinking about you—’
‘Good. I’d hate to be the only one suffering. You taste so good…’ Groaning the words against her lips, Ryan sank his hands into her hair and devoured her mouth as if she were a feast and he was starving. His kiss was hot and hungry, and she felt her knees weaken and her heart pound. Flames licked through her veins and Jenna tightened her grip on his arms, grateful that she was leaning against the work surface.
Engulfed by an explosion of raw need Jenna wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed closer. His hands came round her back and he hauled her against him, leaving her in no doubt as to the effect she had on him. Feeling the hard ridge of his erection, Jenna felt excitement shoot through her body.
Dizzy and disorientated, she moaned against his mouth and he slid his hands under the tee shirt, his fingers warm against her flesh. She gasped as those same fingers dragged over her breasts, moaned as he toyed and teased. And still he kissed her. Mouth to mouth they stood, the skilled sweep of his tongue driving her wild, until she squirmed against him, the ache deep inside her almost intolerable.
Dimly, she heard him groan her name, and then he was lifting her tee shirt over her head and his mouth was on her bare breast. Jenna opened her mouth to tell him that it felt good, but the only sound that emerged was a faint moan, and her breathing became shallow as he drew the sensitive tip into his mouth. Her fingers sank into his thick dark hair as the excitement built, and suddenly she was
aware of nothing but the heavy throb in her body and the desperate need for more. Every thought was driven from her mind, but one—
She wanted him. She wanted sex with him, and she didn’t care about the consequences.
His mouth was back on hers, the slide of his tongue intimate and erotic.
Shaking now, Jenna reached for the waistband of his jeans and felt his abdomen clench against her fingers. She fumbled ineptly for a few moments, and then his hand closed around her wrist.
‘Wait—God, I can’t believe the way you make me feel.’
She moaned and pressed her mouth back to his, their breath mingling. ‘I want to—’
With obvious difficulty he dragged his mouth from hers. ‘I know you do, and so do I, but this time I really don’t want to be disturbed—how long is Lexi out for? Is she going to be back in the next few hours?’
‘Lexi?’ Disorientated, Jenna stared at him for a moment, and then shook her head and rubbed her fingers over her forehead, trying to switch off the response of her body so that she could think clearly. ‘Lexi.’ She felt as though her personality had been split down the middle—mother and woman. ‘She’s out, but— What on earth am I doing?’ Realising that she was virtually naked, Jenna quickly retrieved her tee shirt from the floor, but she was shaking so much that she couldn’t turn it the right way round.
‘I wish I hadn’t said anything.’ His tone rough, Ryan removed it gently from her hands, turned it the right way round and pulled it carefully over her head. ‘I just didn’t want her walking in on us.’
‘No. And it’s ridiculous. This whole thing is ridiculous—I’m— And you’re—’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Is there any chance of you actually finishing a sentence, because I have no idea what you’re thinking.’
‘I’m thinking that this is crazy.’ Jenna straightened the tee shirt and flipped her hair free. ‘I’m thinking that I don’t do things like this.’
‘That doesn’t mean you can’t. You hadn’t owned a dog or eaten fish until a month ago.’
She gave a hysterical laugh. ‘Having sex is slightly different to getting a dog or eating fish.’
‘I should hope so. If a few hours in my bed is on a par with eating fish or getting a dog, I’ll give up sex.’
‘That would be a terrible waste, because you’re obviously very good at it.’ Jenna slammed her hand over her mouth and stared at him, appalled. ‘I can’t believe I just said that.’
But he was laughing, his blue eyes bright with humour. ‘I love the way you say what you think.’
‘What I think is that I don’t know what you’re doing here with me.’ With an embarrassed laugh, she yanked the tee shirt down, covering herself. ‘I’m not some nubile twenty-year-old. I’m a mother and I’m thirty-three…’ The words died in her throat as he covered her mouth with his fingers.
‘You’re incredibly sexy.’
Staring up into his cool blue eyes, Jenna gulped, still coming to terms with the feelings he’d uncovered. He’d had his hands on her, and as for his mouth… An earthquake could have hit and she wouldn’t have noticed. In fact, she felt as though an earthquake had hit.
Everything about her world had changed and it was hard to keep her balance.
But she had to. She couldn’t afford the luxury of acting on impulse. She wasn’t a teenager.
Thinking of teenagers made her groan and close her eyes.
‘Ryan, what are you doing here?’ She jabbed her fingers into her hair, horrified by what could have happened. ‘We could have— Lexi might have—’
‘I saw her leave. And before you panic, no, she didn’t see me. I stayed out of the way until she’d disappeared over the horizon. Given the way she guards you, I thought it was wise. She obviously doesn’t see her mother as a living, breathing sexual woman.’
‘That’s because I’m not. I’m not like this. This isn’t me.’
‘Maybe it is you.’ His eyes lingered on her mouth. ‘Do you want to find out?’
Her heart bumped hard. ‘I can’t. I have responsibilities.’
‘Talking of which, did she give you a hard time about last night?’
‘She started to say something and then decided that she’d imagined it all. Thanks to Evanna. But—I’m sorry about last night. I was going to apologise to you.’
‘Don’t.’ His mouth was so close to hers that it was impossible to concentrate.
‘You must be furious with me for embarrassing you in public—’
His hand was buried in her hair, his lips moving along her jaw. ‘Do I seem furious?’ His mouth was warm and clever, and Jenna felt her will-power strained to the limit.
She put a hand on his chest, trying to be sensible. Trying to ignore the way he made her feel.
Then he paused and stooped to retrieve something from the floor. It was her envelope. He would have discarded it had she not given an anguished squeak and reached for it.
‘That’s mine.’
‘What is it?’
‘It’s nothing.’ Jenna snatched at it but he held it out of reach, unfurling it with one hand.
‘If it’s nothing, why are you trying to stop me reading it?’ He squinted at the crumpled paper. ‘“10 reasons why I shouldn’t fall in love with Ryan—” Ah.’
With a groan, Jenna covered her face with her hands. ‘Please, just ignore it—’
‘No.’ His voice was calm and steady. ‘If you can make a list of ten reasons not to fall in love with me, I have a right to know what they are.’ He scanned the list and frowned. ‘I put you off your food? That’s why you don’t eat?’
Mortified, Jenna just shook her head, and he sighed and tucked the mangled envelope into the back pocket of his jeans.
‘If you want my opinion, I don’t think it matters that you’ve been divorced for less than a year, nor do I think your age has any relevance. The fact that I put you off your food might be a problem in the long term, but we won’t worry for now. As for Lexi—’ He stroked his fingers through her hair. ‘I can see that might be a problem. That’s why I stopped when I did. I didn’t want her to walk in.’
‘So you’re not just a sex god.’ She made a joke of it. ‘You’re thoughtful, too.’
‘For selfish reasons. I want you, and you come with a daughter.’
Did he mean he wanted her body or he wanted her? She was afraid to ask and she found it hard to believe that he wanted her at all. ‘Why do I always meet you looking my worst?’ Jenna couldn’t believe the unfairness of it all. He looked like a living, breathing fantasy and she was wearing Lexi’s cast off tee shirt.
‘I think you look fantastic.’ Ryan slid his hand into her hair, studying each tangled curl in detail. ‘Does your hair curl naturally?’
‘Yes, of course. Do you think I’d pay to make it look like this?’ She snapped the words, embarrassed that she was looking her worst when he was looking his best, and really, really confused by the way he made her feel.
‘I really like it.’ His smile was slow and sexy. ‘You look as though you’ve had a really crazy night in some very lucky man’s bed.’
Jenna couldn’t concentrate. His fingers were massaging her scalp and she felt his touch right through her body. How did he know how to do that? Her eyes drifted shut and suddenly the impact on her other senses was magnified.
‘As a matter of interest, what did you wear to bed when you were married?’
Jenna gulped. ‘A long silky nightdress that Clive’s mother bought me for Christmas. Why do you want to know?’
‘Because I suspect this is another of your little rebellions. And now we’ve established that Lexi isn’t coming back in the immediate future…’ His voice husky, Ryan slid his hands under the offending tee shirt and she gasped because his hands were warm and strong and her nerve-endings were on fire.
‘Ryan—’
His fingers slid down her back with a slow, deliberate movement that was unmistakably seductive. ‘I hate to be the one to point this out, but I have a s
trong suspicion that neither Clive nor his mother would approve of your current choice of nightwear.’
‘They’d be horrified—’
‘Which is why you’re wearing it.’
Jenna gave a choked laugh. ‘Maybe. In which case I’m seriously disturbed and you should avoid me.’
Ryan lifted her chin so that she had no choice but to look at him. ‘Is that what you want?’
All the pent-up emotion inside her exploded, as if the gates holding everything back had suddenly been opened. ‘No, that isn’t what I want! Of course it isn’t. But I feel guilty, because I know I shouldn’t be doing this, and confused because I’ve never lost control like that before. I’m angry with myself for being weak-willed, terrified that you’ll hurt me—’
‘Ah, yes—number eight on your list. Why do you assume I’ll hurt you?’
Jenna thought about Clive. If Clive had found her boring, how much more boring would this man find her? ‘I’m not very exciting. I’m sure I’m all wrong for you.’
‘In what way are you wrong for me?’
‘For a start I’ve never had sex on a desk,’ she blurted out, and then paled in disbelief. ‘Oh, no—I can’t believe I said that—’
‘Neither can I. You’re saying some really interesting things at the moment.’ To give him his due, he didn’t laugh. But he did close his hands around her wrists and drew her closer. ‘I’m guessing that statement has some significance—am I right?’
Jenna stared at a point on his chest. ‘I walked in on them,’ she breathed. ‘She was lying on his desk.’
‘And you think that’s what was wrong with your marriage?’
‘No. The problems in our marriage went far deeper than that. I wouldn’t have wanted to have sex on a desk with Clive, whereas—’ She broke off, and he was silent for a moment.
Then he lifted his hand and slowly dragged his finger over her scarlet cheek. ‘Whereas you do want to have sex on a desk with me?’
‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘Well, I don’t mean a desk specifically—anywhere… But that’s crazy, because I’m just not that sort of person and I know I’m really, really not your type.’