by Sarah Morgan
‘Like I said—ten thousand calories.’ And ten thousand volts to his system. He couldn’t believe he wanted her again so quickly, but he could happily have taken her straight back to bed.
Ryan grabbed butter and a jar of thick golden honey and then handed her some plates and mugs. ‘You can carry these. I’ll bring the rest.’
She stood still, holding the plates and mugs, staring at him.
Removing the rolls from the oven, he glanced at her. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing.’ Her voice was husky, and he frowned as he tipped the warm bread into a basket.
‘Honesty, Jenna, remember?’
‘It feels strange,’ she admitted, ‘being here with you like this.’
‘Strange in a good way or strange in a bad way?’
‘In a scary way. I was with Clive for sixteen years and he was my only boyfriend.’
Thinking about it, he realised he’d probably known that all along, but hearing it was still a shock. ‘Your only boyfriend?’
‘I met him when I was sixteen. I had Lexi when I was eighteen.’
Ryan wondered whether her selfish ex-husband had taken advantage of her. ‘Does that have anything to do with why you have a difficult relationship with your mother?’
‘I’ve always disappointed her.’
He frowned. ‘I can’t imagine you disappointing anyone.’ But he could imagine her trying to please everyone, and her next words confirmed it.
‘My parents had plans for me—which didn’t involve me getting pregnant as a teenager.’ Her head dipped and she pulled a pair of sunglasses out of the bag on her lap. ‘Are we eating outside? I’ll probably need these. It’s sunny.’
He remembered the conversation she’d had with her mother. How distressed she’d been. ‘So what did they want you to do?’
‘Something respectable. I had a place lined up at Cambridge University to read English—my parents liked to boast about that. They were bitterly upset when I gave it up.’
‘Did you have to give it up?’
‘I chose to. Everyone thought I’d be a terrible mother because I was a teenager, and it made me even more determined to be the best mother I could be. I don’t see why teenagers can’t be good mothers—I’m not saying it’s easy, but parenthood is never easy, whatever age you do it.’ Tiny frown lines appeared on her forehead. ‘I hate the assumption that just because you’re young, you’re going to be a dreadful parent. I know plenty of bad parents who waited until their thirties to have children.’
Ryan wondered if she was referring to her own. ‘For what it’s worth, I think you’re an amazing mother.’
‘Thank you.’ Her voice was husky as she cleaned her sunglasses with the edge of her tee shirt. ‘I don’t think I’m amazing, but I love Lexi for who she is, not what she does. And I’ve always let her know that.’
‘Who she is, not what she does…’ Ryan repeated her words quietly, thinking that his own parents could have taken a few lessons from Jenna. In his home, praise had always revolved around achievement.
Jenna fiddled with her glasses. ‘My parents were always more interested in what I did than who I was, and I was determined not to be like that. Clive worked—I stayed at home. Traditional, I know, but it was the way I wanted it.’
‘Can I ask you something personal? Did you marry him because you loved him or because you were pregnant?’
She hesitated. ‘I thought I loved him.’
‘And now you’re not sure?’
‘How can you love someone you don’t even know?’ Her voice cracked slightly and Ryan crossed the kitchen and dragged her into his arms.
‘The guy is clearly deranged.’ Dropping a kiss on her hair, he eased her away from him. ‘So now I understand why you asked me that question. You must find it impossible to trust another man.’
‘No.’ She said the word fiercely. ‘Clive lied to me, but I know all men aren’t like that—just as not all teenage mothers are inept and not all boys wearing hoodies are carrying knives. I won’t generalise. I don’t trust him, that’s true, but I don’t want Lexi growing up thinking the whole male race is bad. I won’t do that to her.’
Her answer surprised him. He’d met plenty of people with trust issues.
He had a few of his own.
‘You’re a surprising person, Jenna Richards.’ Young in many ways, and yet in others more mature than many people older than her.
‘I’m an ordinary person.’
He thought about the way she loved her child, the way she was determined to be as good a mother as she could be. He thought about the fact that she’d been with the same man since she was sixteen. ‘There’s nothing ordinary about you. I’m intrigued about something, though.’ He stroked her hair away from her face, loving the feel of it. ‘If you were at home with Lexi, when did you train as a nurse?’
‘Once Lexi started school. I had a network of friends—many of them working mothers. We helped each other out. Sisterhood. They’d take Lexi for me when I was working, I’d take their children on my days off. Sometimes I had a house full of kids.’
He could imagine her with children everywhere. ‘Can I ask you something else? Why didn’t you ever have more children? You obviously love them.’
‘Clive didn’t want more. He decided Lexi was enough.’
‘Like he decided that you weren’t going to have a dog or eat fish?’
She gave a shaky smile. ‘Are you suggesting my final act of rebellion should be to have a baby? I think that might be taking it a bit far. And anyway, I couldn’t do that now.’
‘Why not?’
‘Well, for a start, I’m too old.’
‘You’re thirty-three. Plenty of women don’t have their first child until that age.’
She looked at him, and he knew she was wondering why he was dwelling on the subject. ‘And then there’s Lexi. If I had a baby now, it would be difficult for her.’
‘Why?’
‘Because there have been enough changes in her life. I suspect that at some point, probably soon, her father is going to have another child. I don’t want to add to the confusion. I want her relationship with me to be as stable as possible. Why are you asking?’
Why was he asking? Unsettled by his own thoughts, Ryan turned his attention back to his breakfast. ‘I’m just saying you’re not too old to have a child.’ He kept his voice even. ‘Put your sunglasses on. You’re right about it being sunny outside.’
CHAPTER EIGHT
IT WAS an affair full of snatched moments and secret assignations, all tinged with the bittersweet knowledge that it couldn’t possibly last.
At times Jenna felt guilty that she was keeping her relationship with Ryan from Lexi, but her daughter was finally settled and happy and she was afraid to do or say anything that might change that.
She just couldn’t give Ryan up.
They’d meet at the lighthouse at lunchtime, make love until they were both exhausted, and then part company and arrive back at the surgery at different times.
And, despite the subterfuge, she’d never been happier in her life.
‘I actually feel grateful to Clive,’ she murmured one afternoon as they lay on his cliffs, staring at the sea. Her hand was wrapped in his and she felt his warm fingers tighten. ‘If he hadn’t done what he did, I wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t have known it was possible to feel like this. It’s scary, isn’t it? You’re in a relationship, and you have nothing to compare it to, so you say to yourself this is it. This is how it’s supposed to feel. But you always have a sense that something is missing.’
‘Did you?’
‘Yes, but I assumed it was something in me that was lacking, not in my relationship.’
‘Life has a funny way of working itself out.’ He turned his head to look at her. ‘Have you told Lexi about us yet?’
A grey cloud rolled over her happiness. ‘No,’ she said. ‘Not yet.’
‘Are you going to tell her?’
‘I don’t kn
ow.’
‘You’re afraid of her reaction?’
‘Yes. She was devastated when Clive left. Horrified that he was involved with another woman. Apart from the obvious issues, teenagers don’t like to see their parents as living, breathing sexual beings.’
And she didn’t know what to say. I’ve taken a lover…
What exactly was their relationship? What could there be?
Ryan rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow so that he could see her. ‘I want to be with you, Jenna. I want more than lunchtimes and the occasional Sunday afternoon when Lexi is with her friends. I want more.’
Looking into his blue eyes, she felt her heart spin and dance. ‘How much more?’
‘I love you.’ Ryan touched her face gently, as if making a discovery. ‘I’ve loved you since you stepped off that boat looking like someone who had walked away from an accident.’
‘You love me?’ Jenna was jolted by a burst of happiness and he smiled.
He looked more relaxed than she’d ever seen him. ‘Is that a surprise?’
‘I didn’t dare hope. I thought it might be just—’ She was whispering, afraid that she might disturb the dream. ‘I love you, too. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I didn’t know it was possible.’
‘Neither did I.’ He kissed her gently, stroked her hair protectively with a hand that wasn’t quite steady. Then he gave a shake of his head. ‘You’ve never asked me about my marriage or why I ended up here. I’m sure there are things you want to know about me.’
‘I assumed that if there was anything you wanted me to know, you’d tell me when you were ready.’
‘You’re a very unusual woman, do you know that? You’re able to love me, not knowing what went before?’
‘It’s not relevant to how I feel about you.’
He breathed in deeply, his eyes never shifting from hers. ‘I was married—to Connie. She was a very ambitious woman. Connie was born knowing what she wanted in life and nothing was going to stand in her way. We met when we were medical students. We were together briefly, and then met up again when we were both consultants in the same hospital. Looking back on it, we were a disaster waiting to happen, but at the time I suppose it must have seemed right.’
Thinking of her own situation, Jenna nodded. ‘That happens.’
His laugh was tight and humourless. ‘I think the truth is I was too busy for a relationship and Connie understood that. I was fighting my way to the top and I didn’t need a woman asking me what time I’d be home at night. Connie didn’t care what time I came home because she was never there to see. She was fighting her way to the top, too.’
Jenna sat quietly, letting him speak. She had an image in her head. An image of a beautiful, successful woman. The sort of woman she’d always imagined a man like him would choose. The cream of the crop. Bright and brilliant, like him. They would have been a golden couple. ‘Was she beautiful?’
‘No.’ His hand dropped from her face and he sat up. Stared out across the sea. ‘Physically I suppose she would be considered beautiful,’ he conceded finally. ‘But to me beauty is so much more than sleek hair and well-arranged features. Connie was cold. Selfish. Beauty is who you are and the way you behave. We were both very wrapped up in our careers. We worked all day, wrote research papers in what little spare time we had—our house had two offices.’ He frowned and shook his head. ‘How could I ever have thought that what we had was a marriage?’
‘Go on…’
‘I wanted us to start a family.’
‘Oh.’ It hadn’t occurred to her that he might have a child. That was one question she hadn’t asked. ‘You have—?’
‘I brought the subject up one night, about a week after I’d made Consultant. I thought it would be the perfect time.’
‘She didn’t agree?’
He stared blindly across the ocean and into the far distance. ‘She told me she’d been sterilised.’
Jenna sat up. ‘She— Oh, my gosh—and you didn’t know?’ She licked her lips, digesting the enormity of it.
‘At medical school she decided she didn’t ever want to have a baby. She wanted a career and didn’t want children. In her usual ruthlessly efficient way she decided to deal with the problem once and for all. Unfortunately she didn’t share that fact with me.’ The confession was rough and hoarse, and she knew for sure he hadn’t spoken the words to anyone else. Just her. The knowledge that he’d trusted her with something so personal was like a gift, fragile and precious, and Jenna tried to understand how he must be feeling, unwilling to break the connection between them by saying something that might make him regret his show of trust.
In the end she just said what was in her heart. ‘That was wrong. Very wrong.’
‘Some of the blame was mine. I made assumptions—didn’t ask—I suppose I could be accused of being chauvinistic. I presumed we’d do the traditional thing at some point. It came as a shock to discover she had no intention of ever having a family.’
Jenna reached out a hand and touched his shoulder. ‘She should have told you.’
‘That was my feeling. I suddenly realised I’d been living with a stranger. That I didn’t know her at all.’ He gave a wry smile. ‘But you know how that feels, don’t you?’
‘Only too well. I was living in this imaginary world—thinking things were fine. But Clive was living a completely different life. A life I didn’t even see.’ She looped her arms around her legs and rested her chin on her knees. ‘I suppose part of the problem was that we just didn’t communicate. We fell into marriage because I was pregnant and because it was what my parents expected. I made assumptions about him. He made assumptions about me.’ Jenna turned her head and looked at him. ‘So you told Connie you wanted a divorce?’
‘Yes. I discovered that although I’d achieved what could be considered huge success in my professional life, my personal life was a disaster. I hadn’t even thought about what I wanted, and suddenly I realised that what I wanted was the thing I didn’t have—someone alongside me who loved me, who wanted to share their life with me. I wanted to come home at night to someone who cared about what sort of day I’d had. I didn’t want our only communication to be via voice-mail. And I wanted children. Connie thought I was being ridiculous—her exact words were, “It’s not as if you’re ever going to change a nappy, Ryan, and I’m certainly not doing it, so why would we want children?”’
‘She didn’t want a divorce?’
‘I was flying high in my career and she liked that. I looked good on her CV.’ There was a bitter note to his voice and his eyes were flint-hard. ‘Being with me opened doors for her.’
‘Did she love you?’
‘I have no idea. If she did then it was a very selfish kind of a love. She wanted me for what I added to her, if that makes sense.’
‘Yes, it makes sense. I don’t know much about relationships…’ Jenna thought about her own relationship with Clive ‘…but I do know that real love is about giving. It’s about wanting someone else’s happiness more than your own. If you care about someone, you want what’s right for them.’
And that was the way she felt about Ryan, she realised. She wanted him to be happy.
Ryan put his arm around her shoulders and drew her against him. ‘That’s what you do with Lexi, all the time. You’re lucky to have her. Lucky to have that bond.’
‘Yes.’ She melted as he kissed her, knowing that everything was changing. Once again life had taken her in a direction she hadn’t anticipated, but this time the future wasn’t terrifying. It was exciting. ‘I’m going to talk to her. I’ve decided. I think maybe she’s old enough to understand.’ Strengthened by her feelings and his, she suddenly felt it was the right thing to do.
‘You’re going to talk to her about us?’
‘Yes. This is what life is, isn’t it? It’s the happy and the sad and the unpredictable. It would be wrong to pretend anything different. Lexi needs to know that life is sometimes hard and
that things can’t always stay the same. She needs to know that change isn’t always bad and that the unfamiliar can become familiar. And she needs to know that my love for her will never change, no matter what happens to the way we live.’
Ryan stroked his fingers over her cheek. ‘You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met. When your husband walked out, who supported you? Not your mother, I assume. Your friends?’
‘For a while. Then I discovered that they’d all known he was having the affair and that they’d known about his other affairs and hadn’t told me.’ Jenna pulled away from him. ‘I found that hard. That and all the advice. “Turn a blind eye.”
“Dress like a pole dancer and seduce him back—”’
There was amusement in his eyes. ‘Did you adopt that suggestion?’
‘Of course—I went around wearing nothing but fishnets and a basque.’ Pleased that she was able to make a joke about something she’d never thought would seem funny, she wound a strand of hair around her finger. ‘To be honest, I didn’t want him back. Not after I found out that he’d had a string of affairs throughout our marriage. But the worst thing of all was the way he behaved towards Lexi—it was as if he suddenly just washed his hands of her. His own daughter!’ Humour faded and anger flooded through her, fresh as it had been on that first day. ‘Whatever he felt about me, that was no excuse for cutting Lexi out of his life.’
‘Forget him now.’ His voice was rough as he pulled her back to him. ‘He was your past. I’m your future.’
Jenna stared at him, silenced by the possibilities that extended in front of her. She wanted to ask what he meant. She wanted to ask whether the future meant a few weeks, or more than that, but she was terrified of voicing the question in case the answer was something she didn’t want to hear.
He was watching her, absorbing her reaction. ‘Jenna, I know this is soon, but—’ There was a buzzing sound from his pocket, and Ryan swore fluently and dragged out his phone. ‘Maybe there are some advantages to living in a city—at least someone else can carry the load when you want some time off.’ He checked the number and frowned. ‘It’s Logan. I’d better take this—sorry.’