by Diana Kane
“Anyway I need to talk to you. I’m going to be off work for a little while I guess. I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep paying rent beyond another month or so. I will make arrangements for someone to come pack up my stuff as soon as I can. I’m really sorry about the short notice.”
Lydia looks at me. I can tell she has something on her mind, but is debating whether she should tell me. She is always easy to read. I wonder if she knows she would make a terrible poker player. “You don’t need to worry about it. It has already been taken care of.”
“I don’t understand. What do you mean taken care of? Lydia you can’t just let me stay there rent free.”
“I’m not, although I would have been fine giving you a month or two if that is what you needed. You’re a good kid. You help out around the house even though you were never expected or asked to. You’ve kept this lonely old woman company. It has been nice having you around.”
“Then how? Who?” She doesn’t answer me, typical Lydia. It only takes a minute for me to figure it out. “Catherine?”
“She loves you you know. You might not want to admit it to yourself because it is easier to keep running, but she loves you. She insisted on paying for two months now and any other time you might need covered.”
I’m speechless. I want to be angry at Catherine’s brazen intrusion into my private affairs but I can’t. I vow to pay her back, every penny of it. As soon as I can return to work I’ll pick up all the extra shifts and call I can until the debt is repaid.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I made you some cookies. Peanut butter with peanut butter chips and white chocolate chips. Your favorite if I recall correctly.” Lydia pulls the massive freezer bag stuffed with cookies out of her oversized purse, my mouth watering at the sight of them. “Is there anything else you need?”
“Thank you so much. You know how much I love your cookies. I think I’m good. Abby and Catherine have been keeping me stocked with what I need. How long are you going to be gone?”
“I’ll be down there for a week. If I feel like staying longer I’ll change my return flight. I thought about just booking the flight there and booking the return flight when I felt like coming home, but usually I’m ready to come back after a week. I don’t have anything to rush back to anyway. That is the beauty of retirement, no commitments.” I laugh, Lydia is as feisty as ever.
“I’d love to have some commitment to rush off to right now.” I stare out the window for a second, as if I’ll find some obligation there.
“Your commitment is here. Rest and get better. Address the situation between you and Catherine too.” I smile at Lydia, the only response I can give to her orders. “Alright kid, I need to get on the road. Flight leaves in a couple of hours. Please have Abby keep me updated.”
“I will. Have a great trip.” Lydia and I hug before she leaves me on my own again.
An early afternoon visit from Kevin, Shannon, Derrick, Dahlia and Nikki adds some joy to my day. They bring with them more flowers and balloons along with a stuffed penguin. I don’t know how they remember that I love penguins, but they do. Their visit lasts for just over an hour before they all must leave for their respective obligations. I find myself counting down the hours until I know Catherine will return.
By Wednesday I am going stir crazy and I realize I am falling deeper and deeper for Catherine. Not good considering she hasn’t given me an indication of where she is regarding her feelings. I can’t lie though, it is nice spending so much time with her. Things are relaxed and easy. Catherine enters and pulls me out of my own head. I forgot that she operates on Wednesdays so she has been right downstairs this whole time. She smiles as our eyes meet.
“Hey, just thought I would come up for lunch, see how you are doing.” Better now, I think to myself.
“Going stir crazy. You don’t look like you are planning to eat.” Catherine has a bottle of water with her but no food. I hate that she doesn’t eat during the day.
“I know. Hang in there.” Catherine grins and makes her way over to the shelf where my cookies from Lydia are. “I didn’t stop for any food, figured I’d just eat your cookies.” She flashes her grin in my direction as she opens the bag and pulls out a cookie and takes a bite. “Damn these are good. You need to make these.”
“Have all the cookies you want, but I wish you would eat some real food as well.”
“I know. I’ll grab some fruit in the doctor’s lounge and eat dinner tonight. Has inpatient rehab been here yet?” This is news to me.
“Nope. Should I be expecting them.”
“I put the order in this morning. You want to get out of here, this will hopefully help that happen a little sooner.” Catherine checks the clock and frowns. “I’ve got to get back downstairs for my last case. Should be an early evening.”
*****
Catherine finishes her day later than she expected. I don’t see her again until nearly seven. “Want me to get us some takeout for dinner?” She smiles at me but it isn’t as vibrant as it typically is and it doesn’t reach her eyes. I know something is wrong.
“No. You don’t need to make a trip anywhere.” I continue to search Catherine’s features, like I will find the answer written in them.
“You sure? I don’t mind if there is something you want.”
“I’m sure. Maybe we can go down to the cafeteria. Get out of this little room.”
“Sure if you’re up for it.” Catherine is clearly distracted. The happiness she exuded earlier today is gone.
“You ok? Do you need to be somewhere?”
“Yeah I’m fine. Nowhere to be other than here.” I want to press her but know better, at least for now. She doesn’t seem to want to talk so I turn our next episode of Thrones on. We are nearing the end of season three. I know what is coming and wonder if Catherine even suspects. We sit in silence as we watch the episode with the Red Wedding. I had read the books before I saw the show, so I knew it was coming. I know Catherine has not read them and the shock is clear.
“I can’t believe…they just…” I laugh, uncontrollably. Admittedly the first time I read the books I didn’t pick up on it either. I thought the show however made it obvious if you paid attention. “I mean I knew something was off when Bolton let Jaime go, but that…” I laugh again.
“Well at least you picked up that something was off. Most people don’t even blink when Bolton sets Jaime free. Really though you shouldn’t be surprised after the way season one ended. That alone should have warned you all bets are off.”
“You’re right. It does seem obvious now that you say it. Wow.”
“Yep. I doubt it will be the last time the show shocks you.”
“Great. Anyone going to be left by the end?”
“Maybe. It hasn’t finished yet so who knows. You do know I have the books, you can borrow them if you’d like.”
“That would be nice. Thanks.” Catherine is still bothered by something, something that she doesn’t want to share with me.
“Dinner?” My stomach is making itself heard, grumbling loudly.
“Sure. You want me to bring something up or do you want to go down there with me?”
“I’ll go down there with you. I’m pretty sure I can make it and really want to get out of this room.” Catherine slides the walker over to the side of my bed and shuts the alarm off. I have been making it a little further every day, but this would be the longest trip yet.
“Don’t push it too hard. If you start to tire we can rest or get you a wheelchair. There is no shame in either so don’t try to be all tough like I know you will.”
We make our way to the elevator and start the trip down to the main floor. I hear Catherine let a small sniffle slip. I look at her and can see that her beautiful blue eyes have turned glassy. I place my hand on her shoulder, offering her support. She jumps at my touch, the contact startling her, she is clearly preoccupied. Catherine looks at me, giving me a half hearted smile. We arrive at the main floor before I can ask her what is wrong.
>
Catherine grabs a tray and loads up our dinner. We look around and find that it is busier than we anticipated. “Upstairs?”
“Yeah, I suppose so.” We get on the elevator and I am surprised to see Catherine press the button for the overflow floor. I had assumed she meant back to my room. She looks at me and a small smile touches her lips, but not her eyes. Something is very wrong. I start to wonder if it is about me, if my latest CT scan has revealed an area of permanent damage.
We eat in relative silence. The silence continues afterward as we both stare out the window. I want Catherine to tell me what was wrong, but know I can’t push. I have my own question weighing on my mind though.
“Why did you do it Catherine?” She finally looks at me, her raised eyebrows indicating she needs clarification. “Why did you pay my rent and not tell me?” Catherine turns away from me.
“Because you needed it. Because I could do it and you needed it. I didn’t tell you because I knew you would argue and be upset.”
“I’m not upset. Thank you for doing it. I will pay you back though.”
“You don’t have to. You had a need that was easy for me to fulfill, so I did. You never had to know it was me.”
“I guessed.” More silence. I can’t take it anymore. “Catherine.” She still won’t look at me. I grab her arm. She still avoids making eye contact. “Catherine please tell me what is wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong. I’m fine.” She continues to stare out the window. I am fed up. I stand up to make my way around the table using the walker. The sound of my chair sliding across the floor finally causes Catherine to look over at me, too late. She leaps up out of her chair and meets me half way.
“You will tell me what is going on. Something is clearly weighing on your mind.”
Catherine stands there staring at me. I wish I can read her blue eyes, but unlike Lydia, hers seldom betray anything. “Alex…I…,” she stops. Just stops and stares at me, or through me. I want to shake her but I wait, my impatience has to be rolling off of me. Is there permanent damage on my latest CT? Is she finally going to tell me her decision? Has she finally make up her mind? Tears started streaming down her face. It can’t be good news if she is crying. She exhales, trying to regain her composure.
“I had a trauma patient before I came upstairs this evening. MVA, similar to your own situation, only she will never recover. There was too much damage to her tissues. I had to tell her husband and her parents. She has two children, one three and the other five. They will never know their mother. I had to break this news to them and the entire time I was feeling completely selfish because it could have been you and I was so grateful that it wasn’t. I was actually happy on some level that it was her and not you. She is upstairs on life support while organ donation is arranged and all I can think about is how grateful I am that it isn’t you. What is wrong with me? What kind of person feels like that?” She breaks down sobbing. I reach for her and embrace her, cursing the walker for getting between us. I hold her as best I can and reassure her that she isn’t a bad person. Eventually her sobbing ceases and she breaks off the embrace. “We should get you back downstairs. You’ve been up longer than you have at any point.”
“I’m doing fine. Really.” I actually am doing alright. My legs feel tired and a little achy but I’m still doing well.
“All the same, back downstairs.”
Catherine
Back in Alex’s room I sit and ruminate, the book I hold a poor attempt to cover up the fact that I’m clearly distracted. Alex is also reading but I know she isn’t as fully immersed as she usually is. I can see her stealing sidelong glances at me. Mercifully she doesn’t press anymore or ask if I am ok. I know that if she were to I would tell her how I feel. I nearly told her upstairs but stopped myself. She still needs to focus on her recovery and this isn’t the right place for me to confess my feelings. How she has not figured it out on her own yet is a mystery to me. I know I will tell her soon. Everything that has happened has shown me that I’m lucky to have this chance and I need to take it. Alex reaches out and lays a hand on my forearm, a silent comfort. I sit the book down and place my hand on top of hers. I long to crawl into her bed and just be held by her. I find myself staring at Alex. She picks up on it after a few of her glances. She puts her Kindle down and looks at me as a tear I’ve been fighting to hold back escapes, trailing its way down my cheek. She takes her hand from my forearm and gently wipes it away with her thumb. I move to cover her hand with my own but am too slow. Alex has already removed it and is in the process of lowering the safety rails on her bed. “What are you doing?” I reach over and silence the obnoxious alarm. She swings her legs over the side of the bed and extends her arms.
“Come here.” I balk, glued to my chair. Alex isn’t having it though. “Either you come here or I come to you. Your choice.” I don’t want her out of bed again so soon, so I give in and close the short distance between us. In two meager steps I am in her arms. This isn’t sexual, it isn’t supposed to be sexual, yet my heart is pounding as she holds me. I can feel the pounding of her heart as well. Neither of us speak. Alex slowly trails her hands up and down my back as I methodically rub the back of her head and neck. We are lost in this state for a while, Alex comforting me. There is a knock at the door as the nurse announces herself, tearing me from drowning in the comfort. I try to pull away but Alex won’t let me. I quickly give up the fight and resume the track my hand has been running. My heart is still pounding, Alex’s embrace threatening to be just the supplement my hormones need to overtake my emotions.
“I know I shouldn’t say anything but seeing you two together warms my heart. It is nice to see two people who love each other so much.” I stiffen a little at her words, my hands frozen in place. I didn’t think it was possible but my heart starts beating even faster. I realize Alex has frozen as well. It wasn’t the nurse’s responsibility to tell her. These feelings are my secret to confess. “I’m sorry to have to separate you two but I need to check her vitals.” I break the embrace with Alex, this time meeting no resistance. “Heart rate is higher than your normal. So is your blood pressure. Take it easy you two.” She is right. The elevated stats are not what Alex needs right now. The nurse leaves us but I can’t look at Alex. Instead I stare at the floor and unsuccessfully try to steal glances to assess what she is thinking.
*****
Friday morning arrives and Alex is sound asleep still when my alarm goes off. I try to quietly retract the recliner but it is loud and wakes her. Her sleepy eyes look over at me and she smiles. I imagine what it would be like to wake up to that beautiful sight everyday. “Morning.”
“Sorry, I tried not to wake you. This chair is so damn loud.” Her smile grows larger and her eyes finally adjust to being awake, the brilliant green coming back to life.
“Don’t be. I don’t mind. How many do you have today?”
“Four. Two rescheduled from Monday. It could be a late evening if any of them are a struggle.” I hope to myself that they aren’t, I want to get back to Alex as soon as I can.
“I’ll be here.” It’s like she can read my mind. “I am wondering though if I can leave today. Do I really need to be here any longer?” She doesn’t. I know that she can leave today. She has made great progress over the week and can walk short distances on her own now. I know that I’m keeping her here because I’m too emotionally invested and want her to be safe. Today is Friday though and I am off all weekend.
“I’ll discharge you tonight after I finish my cases, as long as things go well today. I want you to use the walker at the house though. You are still going to need to take it easy and be careful. You have to keep your blood pressure and heart rate down. What you can do at my place is going to be the same as what you can do here.” The smile that lights up Alex’s face is infectious. I smile back at her, I can’t deny how happy the thought of having Alex at the house again makes me.
*****
“In a hurry today doc?” Erin eyes me as I hel
p them start to clean up after the first case. Normally I don’t do this. I could, but I typically dictate and review the films for my next case while I wait for the patient to be extubated. I’m normally not in a hurry but with Alex waiting I want to do whatever I can to move things along. As the nurse and anesthesia take the patient to recovery, Erin and I are left alone. Before she can page for turnover help I stop her.
“If today goes well I’m going to discharge Alex this evening.” Erin smiles and eyes me for a moment.
“Where is she going?”
“Back to mine. I’ve arranged for a service to help out when I’m not there.” Erin’s smile falters a little.
“Is that a good idea? Have you told her yet?”
“Not yet. I don’t want to do it here. Plus I want her to focus on her rehab, not worry about anything else.”