by Jill Shalvis
"I understand pain," she whispered, stepping close again, but instead of stabbing him with her finger, she slid a hand over his chest, down his arm to his hand, which she held in hers. "You could tell me anything."
"No. I can't." Not only was it stupid, it would be as embarrassing as hell to admit the mistakes he'd made. He'd like to think he would never do it again. And though that meant not ever trusting another woman in his life, when this woman had such pretty, trusting eyes, it was a decision he'd made out of self-preservation. He wouldn't change. "Your knowing isn't necessary for this charade of ours."
"Sharing parts of each other has nothing to do with the charade. It's part of being friends."
God, no. Being friends meant caring, genuine affection. A closeness he couldn't handle. "I'm not sure being friends is a good idea."
She stared at him for a moment, then with all traces of warmth gone from her eyes, she nodded. "I see."
It was over. He'd gone too far. But she didn't say anything. "Still want to go through with this?" he forced himself to ask.
"Yes, I do." She managed a smile at his start of surprise, though it held little mirth. "I told you, Colin, I won't go back on my word. Maybe one of these days you'll believe me. Can we go home now? It's late and I have a long day tomorrow."
Home. Their pretend home. Suddenly Colin wished, just for a second, that she was coming home with him for real. Coming to his bed. To his open arms.
"Colin?" She was waiting. "Okay?"
"Yeah." He sighed and shook off the strange yearnings. They had no place in his life. "Let's go."
* * *
The next day, Lani's mind wasn't much on work. Because of that, she was thankful to have a complete staff. She never left her office.
Things were good, or they would have been, if her mind hadn't kept wandering, gravitating, toward the tall, dark, enigmatic man she had agreed to help. It wasn't Colin's fault that she wanted more. She had no one to blame for that but herself.
To combat her restlessness, she worked like a fiend, catching up on bookkeeping, phone calls and scheduling.
But she never stopped thinking about what had happened the night before.
Or rather, what hadn't happened.
Colin had slept in his room and she in hers. She had lain there in her big, empty chilly bed, staring at the ceiling all night, hoping the stubborn man down the hall was getting no more rest than she was.
She wondered what made him so damn unyielding. So incapable of giving in to the yearning in his heated eyes? He could deny it all he wanted, but she'd seen it for herself when she'd come out of the bathroom dressed for bed in nothing more than a plain T-shirt that hung to her thighs.
Cool, inscrutable Colin had taken one look and come to an abrupt stop. His gaze had run slowly down the length of her, lingering in spots that had made him swallow hard before dragging it back up to meet hers.
There'd been such hunger there, Lani's knees had quivered and, never one to hold back, she had actually taken a step toward him. But before she could say a word, Colin had spun on his heels and shut himself in his bedroom. Alone.
She shut off her computer now and looked out the narrow window her office afforded. It was late enough in the afternoon that she could pretend the day was over. The heat would be intense, but Colin's house was cool.
He'd be there today. He would have to be, to let in his mother and two aunts. Just thinking about it made her sweat. They were pathetically unprepared. They'd accomplished little in the past few days. Fact was, she knew no more about Colin now than when she had started this farce.
Oh, he wanted her, she knew that much about him.
She hadn't mistaken the look in his eye, the almost palpable attraction radiating between the two of them.
But for whatever reason, he refused to act on it, or even acknowledge the existence of their chemistry.
It wasn't much to go on as far as engagements were concerned.
Apparently it would have to be enough.
* * *
It wasn't difficult to talk herself into running errands before going to Colin's house. Lani wasn't too eager to face his mother and lie about their engagement.
She drove through town, melting in the heat, going to the bank, the gas station, the library, any place she could think of.
Then she drove to her apartment, where she grabbed her two plants. By the time she'd set them in her car, along with a few more changes of clothes, she was a sticky wreck and wishing she'd had her car air-conditioning fixed instead of paying down her credit card bill.
Out of errands and with nowhere else to go, Lani crossed the train tracks. Immediately the quality of the houses improved. Within two minutes she was heading up the steep grade that led to the hill above the town where the wealthy residents lived.
At the top of the hill, she pulled into Colin's driveway and took a long moment to admire the beautiful place. She could only imagine how wonderful it could be if Colin turned it into a real home. She glanced down at her plants. "You'll be a start," she decided. "A good start."
She let herself out of the searing hot air and into the soothing coolness of Colin's kitchen. Because her nerves were suddenly leaping, she called out jokingly, "Hi honey. I'm home!"
Juggling her plants, her purse, a bag of clothes and a smile, it took her a moment to realize she was the only one grinning.
Colin was standing at the open refrigerator, a dark eyebrow cocked. "Honey?"
"It's supposed to be funny."
"Ah. Well, they're in the living room, you can drop the show." He shut the refrigerator and came toward her, looking far more handsome and cool and relaxed than any man with a panicked fiancée in one room and a nosy mother in another should. He wore those jeans that made her light-headed and a dark knit polo shirt, untucked. Simple clothes. Complicated man.
Lani set down her things and took the bottled water he handed her, gratefully running the bottle over her hot forehead. What was she going to say to his family? Would she convince them? "Thanks," she said lightly. "Whew, it's a scorcher, isn't it?"
"What's all this?" He looked at her plants as if they held the plague.
"I know they're drooping," she said a little defensively, stroking one sagging leaf. "But they're just hot. I thought your kitchen window would be perfect for them. All that empty space."
That unsettling gaze of his switched to her, and for once he wasn't so difficult to read.
He was afraid she was forgetting again.
"You know," she said evenly, holding on to her temper. "That's getting annoying."
"This is just—"
"Temporary," she finished for him, rolling her eyes. "Look, are you going to remind me of that every single moment of every day?"
"Just until I'm sure you remember," he murmured, taking the water bottle from her fingers and opening it for her. Gently he brought it to her lips where she took a long, grateful sip. "You look hot."
"I brought more clothes. Is that going to scare you, too?"
"I'm not scared of you."
The heat really wasn't good for her disposition. Nor was looking at him all calm and collected while she was still sticky as hell and feeling as though she was dissolving. "Could have fooled me."
"Lani, my mother is here. In the next room. Are you going to do this or not?"
That was it. She didn't know if it was the temperature or just Colin annoying her all to hell, but her patience was gone. "I keep telling you I'm not going to back out! Jeez, you think you can't trust anyone."
His eyes flashed with warning, but she was good and hot and hungry, all things which had her spoiling for a fight. "No matter how grumpy and difficult you are, Colin—"
"I'm not grumpy, you are."
"Let's not go there, all right? I'm not going to leave you hanging. Got it?"
"Fine," he bit out. "And I'm ever so grateful." At her rough laugh, he gritted his teeth. "But if you're not going to back out, why do you keep baiting me?"
"Bec
ause you're easy."
He stared at her. "I'm— What the hell does that mean?"
"Nothing." It was irrational, but desire flooded Lani at Colin's frustration. He honestly didn't understand, or trust, her loyalty. It was infuriating. "You might have come up with a solution to your problem, Colin, namely, me. But I'm not some puzzle you can solve and then just forget about."
He blinked. "Are you speaking English?"
She threw up her hands. "You're impossible."
They were nose to nose now, and Lani had to admit she was enjoying the sparks flying from his eyes, because while they'd started out full of temper, they'd gone to something much hotter.
"I have feelings," she whispered. "And you have the singularly annoying ability to hurt them."
He put his big hands on her shoulders, squeezed lightly and drew her up close. "I have feelings, too."
"I never meant to hurt you." Her voice had lowered, gone husky, but she couldn't help it. The very tips of her breasts brushed his chest and suddenly she was much, much hotter.
So was he, given the low, harsh breath he let out.
"Colin … about the other night."
"When you had your dream."
"Yes." She licked her suddenly dry lips. "I don't suppose it's asking too much to know if you … uh, if you've … you know, changed your mind about going to the store?"
"For?"
"Supplies?"
He actually blushed.
"You're embarrassed?" she asked, shaking her head. "I'm the one that can't even say … you know."
"Condoms?"
Now she blushed. "Yeah."
He ran his thumb over her lower lip, mesmerized at the movement. "I went to the store."
All sorts of wicked, inappropriate thoughts danced in her head. Anticipation tingled through her body, but he sounded less than thrilled. "You didn't want to."
"No, but it wasn't my brain doing the thinking at the time."
As he spoke, their bodies touched and an electrical current ran through them.
"Is that a bad thing?" she asked. "Not thinking with your brain?"
He made a little sound, a growl of both frustration and reluctant pleasure. "It's damn suicidal. We're so attracted to each other, Lani. It's out of control. It's crazy." He sucked in a hoarse sigh when she toyed with the sensitive skin behind his ear. "Stop it." He captured her hands in his and held them between their bodies, his expression nearing pain. "It is hot in here, dammit. The air isn't working."
"It's us, Colin. I'm making you hot, just as you're doing the same to me. Why can't you admit that?"
"Pretend. The key word here, remember? This is supposed to be pretend."
"Well you can't plan everything, every little detail, for your entire life. Some things just don't work that way." He still held her hands captive. But he looked so miserable, so baffled by what was happening between them. She just had to touch him. She reached up and nipped at his jaw with her mouth.
He groaned. "Dammit, stop."
She couldn't, she felt different when she was with him. She felt good. Happy. And she knew he could feel the same way if he let himself.
What held him back?
She dragged an open-mouthed kiss down his neck, inhaling deeply his wonderful, masculine scent.
Again, he let out a rough sound of desire and helplessly pressed his hips to hers, hard. "Lani."
"Don't fight it anymore, Colin."
He stilled, then lifted his head and looked at her. His struggle to control his feelings was obvious. He harbored some secret pain and she wanted to share it.
"What the hell am I going to do with you?" he wondered.
Keep me, was on the tip of her tongue. "Kiss me," she whispered instead, leaning closer. "Kiss me like you did the other night."
He let out a rough groan and dropped his forehead to hers. "That's going to make it worse."
"I don't see how."
"Lani, don't you get it? I don't want to want you."
"Well that's a fine thing to say to your future wife."
Colin groaned again as his mother came into the kitchen.
* * *
Chapter 7
« ^ »
Irene West was a cool, calm, beautiful, five-foot-tall sophisticate. She wore expensive-looking black tailored trousers, a matching blouse so fine and shimmery smooth it had to be made of silk, and squeaky-clean, bright white tennis shoes. The latter immediately endeared her to Lani's heart.
Irene had elegant features and very chic blond hair, cut artfully to chin length. She looked unapproachable, until she smiled like a pixie.
Lani decided she was going to like her.
And what Irene said next sealed that fact.
"Kiss your fiancée, Colin," Irene instructed. "Don't make her ask you twice, it's not gentlemanly."
Lani grinned and tipped up her face.
Colin let out one concise, pithy word, shoved his fingers through his hair and glanced upward as if hoping for divine intervention.
"With sentiments like that one," Irene said disapprovingly, "you'll lose her before you ever get down the aisle. And I'm very much looking forward to that so don't blow it for me. Introduce us, Colin."
He sighed heavily, but did so, after firmly setting Lani away from him. Lani watched him slip his hands into his pockets and knew a surge of satisfaction.
He didn't trust himself not to touch her.
Even if that urge to touch was really a need to strangle her, she'd take it as a good sign.
Without a shy bone in her body, Irene smiled warmly at Lani. "I'm so happy to meet you." Her eyes held exasperated affection when she turned her fond smile on Colin. "I was becoming more and more certain I would never have the pleasure."
"You weren't going to give up until you did," Colin said dryly.
"Well somebody had to see to your happiness. I would have labored until doomsday, if needed."
Colin shot Lani a look that said, see why we're doing this?
Lani smiled. She thought it was cute and touching how important Colin was to Irene. But she was also beginning to understand Colin's desperate measures to ensure his privacy.
She waited for mother and son to hug, but strangely enough, they didn't. This disturbed Lani, because one of the things she remembered and missed most about her family was the physical affection.
Moving close enough to grasp Irene's hand, Lani wrapped an arm around the woman and gave a light squeeze. "Very lovely to meet you."
"Oh," Irene whispered softly, touching Lani's face gently. "You're so sweet."
Colin frowned.
Irene ignored her son and the silent, unmistakable tension between him and Lani, her sharp yet eager eyes frankly devouring her future daughter-in-law.
Feeling a little bit on display, Lani was painfully aware of the picture she made. Self-consciously, she stroked her wild hair, trying unsuccessfully to tame it, wishing she'd combed it through. She wore little or no makeup and grungy clothes. She'd not dressed for this. For one thing, she didn't have anything suitable. And secondly, she hadn't thought of it. Why hadn't this scene occurred to her? In all her justifying of why she was helping Colin, in all her denials that this was nothing more than wanting to see his project completed, she'd never pictured an actual meeting with his family.
Somehow, she'd thought she would have more time. More preparation.
Actually, Lani admitted, she hadn't wanted to think about it, hadn't wanted to wonder if she'd be accepted, if she'd fit in.
Would his mother approve? After all, Lani was nothing more than a housecleaner, without social standing. She knew Colin had grown up with class and money. He'd probably had a maid, a nanny, a cook, and she'd had nothing but her great-aunt Jennie and the occasional séance.
Uncomfortable, she tugged at her ragged T-shirt, stroked a hand down her rough overalls. And wished with all her might for elegant sophistication.
"Did you work today?" Irene asked her politely.
The woman's gaze easi
ly met Lani's and, though there was no censure there, Lani still felt it. She knew Irene was far too cultured to let her true feelings show, and certainly she had to have feelings about her son marrying someone like Lani. For the first time in Lani's life, shame filled her at her choice of a career. "Yes, I did."
Irene's features softened. Her smile was warm. "Well then you must be very tired. And here I am keeping you on your feet."
Surprise hit Lani first, then such an overwhelming gratitude she felt her eyes sting. How easy it would be to pretend this was real, that she really cared about what Colin's mother thought of her. But it wasn't, and it never would be. She had a job to do—convince this woman that she loved her son. Then get out of Colin's life. He would be free of hassles and she would be free to get on with her own life, happy and secure in the knowledge that she'd both helped mankind and had taken a risk for the first time in too long.
But the pathetic truth was she did care, about both Colin and what his mother thought. There was nothing she could do to stop it, not when her heart had already made the decision.
Irene pushed Lani into a chair and softened the wordless demand by saying kindly, "Would you like some iced tea?"
Colin was watching her, his eyes back to their inscrutable depths. What was he thinking? she wondered wildly. Was he worried she would fail?
Was he sorry he'd ever recruited her in the first place?
"Yes, please," she said to Irene. "But I can get it."
"No, please, let me," Irene insisted.
She looked at Colin when his mother turned her back to get the tea, fussing at her clothes, pushing at her hair, desperate for a sign that she was doing okay.
Colin's long arm reached out and gently, almost tenderly, he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. His lips softened, so did his eyes, and he whispered for her ears alone, "I like the way you look, all flustered and mussed up."
Torn between pleasure at his words—he liked the way she looked?—and horror that she looked mussed, she bit her lip.
Colin laughed softly. "Stop it. You look…"
Their gazes met.
His breath caught.
So did hers. "I look…?"