by M. E. Thomas
I decided that if I were to write the book, I would want to be in a glass closet. I knew that I had to be more forthcoming than being totally anonymous; otherwise the book would have little legitimacy. Unless people believe my story, it will lose its effectiveness in terms of educating people and advocating on behalf of myself and others like me. But I also have a separate life and career. I wonder, would I be fired if my employers found this out about me? Not because I’m a bad employee or abusive to students, but just because of my diagnosis? If ever I were sent to jail, I could be denied parole solely based on a psychological profile. Depending on what I was in prison for and what jurisdiction I was in, I could be imprisoned indefinitely. It’s a big deal. Although I’m not really planning on becoming a felon any time in the next two years, my level of impulsivity makes that always a very real possibility. Will my friends, employers, or future love interests be able to see past these propensities and judge me solely based on what I have actually done, not just what I am capable of doing? Or will they always be scared that I’m not as under control as I claim to be?
And I have young children in my family. Maybe someday I will even have kids of my own. They share my name. This stigma could reach far past me to those innocents who never asked for it.
I don’t mind being an advocate, but I have no desire to be famous. To the extent that the cause needs a face, I don’t mind being that face. I don’t even mind showing my face. I know that it helps people and personalizes my message. I am a real person. I have a name. I don’t even mind your knowing my name. I know that secrets are too enticing, so I don’t want there to be any secret. If you’re dying to know my real name, please write to me and I’ll tell you. My contact information is on my website. The only thing I ask in exchange is that you not disclose my name. Keep it to yourself. Let others find out the same way you had to—directly from me, for themselves.
I’m hoping that this way we can all get what we want. You can find out anything you want to know about me, and my young relatives won’t have to grow up with people looking askance at them, wondering if they’re also genetically disposed to be monsters. Is it possible to remain in a glass closet in the information age? I’m actually curious to see if it works. Of course, it’s risky, but I have a pretty high tolerance for risk. If it does work, maybe I’ll write my next academic article on it.
Most sociopaths want to hide their identity, but I don’t want to hide forever. My life’s goal is not to have to “pass.” I want everyone to know who I am. I want to live in the light. Right now it’s not safe, though. People don’t like sociopaths. There are books and Web pages devoted to detecting and avoiding sociopaths: Don’t talk to these people, don’t be around them, don’t let them ensnare you. I want people like me to know that they aren’t alone. And I want everyone else to know that I’m a natural human variant. I want to take off the mask, but not until I change the world to make it a safer place for me.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Many thanks to my agent, Emmanuelle Morgen, who saw a book where I had only a blog. To my genius friend, who did all of the heavy lifting. To my editor, Jenna Ciongoli, who was both infinitely patient and unyieldingly exact and without whom the book would be a fraction of what it is. To Lucinda Bartley, whose unparalleled brilliance managed to make it all happen and all worthwhile for me. To Domenica Alioto for pinch-hitting when I needed her most. To everyone at Crown who helped in countless ways: Penny the alchemist, Julie the slugger, Aja the ink slinger, and Matthew the law. To all of the visitors to my blog for their insight, support, and constant entertainment. To my loving family, without whom I would be nothing, and especially to my little relatives for reminding me to preserve a sense of wonder and openness in the world.
Copyright
Copyright © 2013 by M. E. Thomas
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Crown Publishers, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
CROWN and the Crown colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Thomas, M. E.
Confessions of a sociopath : a life spent hiding in plain sight / M. E. Thomas.
p. cm.
1. Antisocial personality disorders. 2. Psychopaths. I. Title.
RC555.T56 2012
616.85′82–dc23 2012039233
eISBN: 978-0-307-95666-8
Jacket design by Keenan
Jacket photograph: David H. Lewis
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Document creation date: 4.6.2013
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