I started Dirty Little Secrets because I wanted to hurt people. After the bad rumors about me at the beginning of the school year, and especially after the Sweethearts Dance, people acted like I was some kind of joke. Maybe they didn’t learn what was actually going on with me and Danny, and maybe I ensured that they would never fully find out, but even still, that didn’t stop every single person in the school from laughing at Hannah the slut on Saturday, February 13th. Worst moment of my life.
So I wanted to get back at every person who laughed at me that night. I wanted everyone at SP to know the shame that I felt, or to fear it. So yeah, I started my blog for less-than-noble reasons, and yeah, it worked to perfection. People totally respect me now. They tell me the most horrible things about their own best friends. They avoid eye contact in the halls, especially if they’ve just posted the status, “I love wearing Marco’s shirts. Mmm…” I bet they stay awake at night, worrying about whose life I’ll destroy next. I bet they even have nightmares about me. And you know what? Maybe I don’t want to cause any more nightmares. I deserve respect, but maybe I’m tired of using cruelty to get it.
So this is what I have to do: I have to stop using my powers for evil. I have to get in touch with my soft side. DLS will be a gossip blog no more. I don’t just want to be feared, I want to be loved. And to get that, I have to show the world that I can love too.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I actually am a pretty loving person. Since I’ve decided to redo the blog, I’ve started thinking about my whole life in a different way. I’ve decided to make it up to all of the people that I’ve hurt the most.
Not Danny. I don’t want to think about Danny. I don’t want to think about him replacing his spiky hair with a vile skinhead look. I don’t want to think about him coming to school with two black eyes and a bloody arm and a limp. Back when I used to be friends with Chicle and Luz, back before they betrayed me, back when I used to acknowledge their human existence, they told me what it means when a kid from the Eastside shows up looking like that—the shaved head, the cuts and bruises. I know about “jumping in.” I know who Danny’s “mobbing” with now. But I choose not to think about any of that stuff. I have no room in my brain to think about Danny.
No, instead I will prefer to think and talk and dream about a subject that, over the past few weeks, has strangely and shockingly become very near and dear to my heart:
Chad Beck.
Don’t laugh at me. I mean, yeah, I would have laughed at myself a month ago, but don’t laugh at me now. I swear he’s changed. He’s totally gotten better.
I just had him wrong the whole time. All those times I thought Chad was scarily stalking me, really he was just trying to apologize. Only I was too blind to see that because I was too obsessed with other stuff.
Chad wanted to say sorry. He just couldn’t find the right opportunity. Every time he tried to talk to me in person, like at the Hanukkah party, I walked away from him. Every time he texted me, I ignored it. And I blocked him on AIM. And FB chat. And Gchat.
So then Chad got really into the idea of being King of Hearts at the dance, just like I wanted so bad to be Queen. He figured that if the two of us got to be alone in a slow dance together, in front of the whole school, then maybe some sparks would fly between us.
Obviously that didn’t work out.
Chad didn’t give up, though. He didn’t give up because he really, truly, deeply cares for me. He started finding little times to come and talk to me in class. He made a new screen name and he used it to apologize to me and to praise my blog. We became friends again.
And then, one day, a few days before break started, it was after school and I was home by myself. Dad was in L.A. and Mom was watching Jake and Danny’s team lose the big county tournament or whatever. I was just in my room, on the computer, when all of a sudden I started to hear some music coming from outside my bay window.
“Staring into the world inside your sapphire eyes, and running my hands through your beautiful brown, brown hair…”
“Song for Hannah.” A new recording of it, acoustic-style. It sounded so incredible.
I looked outside my window where I could see iPod speakers resting on the ground. He had gone to the trouble of making an mp3 out of the song he wrote for me. Amazing.
Then I looked at the checkered Vans standing next to those speakers. Then I looked up at the rest of the body. Faded jeans, a soft red plaid flannel, an adorable dimpled smile…and Chad was holding something, too. A big white sign:
I’M READY TO STOP THINKING WITH MY DICK. I’M READY TO START THINKING WITH MY HEART.
All right, a little vulgar perhaps, and it didn’t quite make sense, but a very, very funny and cute gesture nonetheless. I appreciated it.
Then Chad flipped the sign over.
HANNAH SCHWARTZ—DATE ME OR LOSE AT LIFE.
I put my hands to my mouth. I nodded really hard. I probably squealed. I ran out of my room and down the stairs and through the hallway and out the front door and down to the lawn, and this took quite a while actually, but Chad waited for me.
And then we kissed. And that’s pretty much all we’ve done since then. Well, sometimes we hold hands. And sometimes we tickle each other. He knows all my best/worst spots. Sometimes we have long talks about nothing in particular.
It’s been the best spring break. It’s all been so absolutely beyond perfect. I may have lost my blog, but I got it back and it’s going to be better than ever. And I gained a boy.
It’s easy to ruin someone’s reputation. It’s easy to cheat on a test. It’s easy to litter. But you know what’s much cooler than taking the easy way out?
Doing what’s right.
This blog is growing up. You can still expect the same Queen Hannah you always got, but now I’m actually living up to my lovely title—I’ll be your Queen of Hearts for real.
I’m through with scaring you. I want to inspire you. So let’s kick off the new and reformed DLS with…
Thirty Ways You Can Help This World
Make a photo collage of you and your best friends. Figure out who’s not in the collage that should be. Give her a call.
Listen for people whistling. Sing along. Especially if you have a bad voice.
Eat the bottom of the muffin first. Give the top to a friend.
Talk to a homeless person. Treat him like a home person.
Plant a tree for each heart you’ve broken.
Ask a guy on a date. Hold the door open for him. Pay for the meal. Let him get dessert.
Give up Facebook for a month. If you really have to check it, then plant a tree afterward.
Find the kid at school with the driest lips. Give him ChapStick, and maybe a kiss.
Sneak into your parents’ room. Leave their wedding photo on the bed.
Make yourself a friendship bracelet. Chevron pattern. (B/c your best friend is yourself.)
Go to school without makeup. On Picture Day.
Be silent for an entire lunch period. Learn to listen.
Watch a black-and-white movie with old people. Tolerate their nostalgia.
Play with fire. Get burned.
Have a bake sale for the poorest country you can think of.
Talk good about someone behind her back. Spread that she’s the prettiest girl in school and not a slut at all.
Make signs. Read signs.
Find your boyfriend’s most ticklish spot. Then tickle him in a surprise spot.
Don’t buy exotic pets. Keep them in zoos.
If you see a lonely kid, let him share your iPod earbud.
Watch the news. Never forget.
Take something lame your brother says and make it the cool new slang.
Photoshop your head on to a fat body. Realize that it would be fine.
Find someone wearing cast with no signatures. Write a love letter on it.
Plant an imaginary garden.
Window-shop in a museum.
Stand on a street corner and ask pe
ople if they’ve forgotten something. They probably have.
Snore.
Sweat.
Experience.
31 • Dorothy Wu
Friday, April 16
The Club Chronicles
Part 41: The Legend of the League of Legends
By Dorothy Wu
Dorothy and Jacobim looked around helplessly. They had been ambushed in Secrets Canyon, and they were surrounded by every single baddie they had ever faced.
Dorothy looked up into the eyes of each villain. There was Moo-Dar, the pachydermic ogre alien. Then there was Poseidon, the spiteful Lord of the Sea. And of course there was Mibocaj, Prince Jacobim’s evil twin, the one who had tricked Dorothy into entering the Maelstrom of Lost Souls.
All the other notable villains were there, too. Falcontooth, the dolphin-eating man-bird. Dr. Harmfellow, the cunning gnome professor. Not to mention Kragg, the sex dragon who breathed STDs.
Dorothy’s forehead started to sweat copious amounts of worry-sweat, but it was too early to panic. She and Jacobim had been in jams like this before. She looked over at the Prince. He always came up with the most clever plans in these situations.
But then the unthinkable happened: Jacobim fainted!
“Zounds!” Dorothy muttered to herself. Now she was really doomed.
At the sight of the unconscious Jacobim, the villains all began to laugh.
“AAAALL BY YOOOURSELF NOOOW, EH, LITTLE GIRRRL?” Poseidon bellowed.
“At long last…I will be able to make you my slave!” Moo-Dar cackled.
“RAAAAAHHHHHH!” Kragg roared as he breathed a gigantic cloud of gonorrhea.
Dorothy deftly managed to roll out of the way of Kragg’s contagious smoke puff, but still, she was helpless. Although she had escaped from impossible situations before, she had always had Jacobim beside her. Now that she was all alone, she wanted to cry. She thought about just giving up. She had no other choice.
But then—oh, but then!
Twenty streaks of white light shot through the sky, zoomed down into the canyon, and landed on the ground next to Dorothy. As soon as each light beam hit the ground, it reformed itself into a great hero.
Within nanomoments, Dorothy was surrounded by that most revered of fighting forces: the League of Legends. She looked at each famous face—Tylord Belltron, king of the droids. Whit-Neigh, tween centaur. Lady Heather, controller of weather. Madame McKenzie, the renowned seamstress/shapeshifter. Ross Hawkheart, the walking, talking Rubik’s Cube. Tiny Tina, the four-inch girl. Neee-shaaa, president of koalas…and oh, oh! so many more.
They had all come to her aid when she most needed them. This supreme collection of her dearest friends was here to help Dorothy destroy evil once and for all.
Dorothy and the League joined hands in a circle.
“All right, comrades!” Dorothy shouted. “Let us do this …together!”
They all shouted that last word to the heavens: “TOGETHER!”
Normally I try not to base my stories too much on real life, but this time I must admit that I have found inspiration in the form of all my new friends. How could I not reimagine the Super Story Samurai as the League of Legends? They are all such wondrous people.
Friends…friends…friends…friends… Who ever would have guessed it? Of course I have always considered my fellow classmates and clubmates to be my chums, and Jake remains my true-blue buddy no matter how mopey he might get. But for me to have this many people who care about what I have to say and who laugh at my funnies and who hang out with me after school…all I can say is Holy Table.
Did I mention that my friends have started saying “Holy Table”? They have begun to say all of the things that I say. McKenzie even made a T-shirt that has a little stick figure (the stick figure is me) shouting all of my Dorothyisms, words like “Bah!” and “Zounds!” and “GROINS!” McKenzie gave me a copy of the T-shirt too. I must say, I did not ever think I would actually make it onto my own shirt, at least not at such a young age. Now I am like Big Dog, or the serious Latino man with the funny beret. That is one lifelong dream fulfilled, several to go!
(Next lifelong dream: Purchase my own forest and fill it with nothing but cats. Then observe as the cats form their own society. Then craft a best-selling work of nonfiction about my Jane Goodall–like experiences with forest cats. I will call it…Tribal Purr: True Tales of Cat Murder.)
I must admit, at first it worried me when I would make my friends laugh. I was concerned that they were laughing at me and not with me. But they all reassured me that they were laughing with.
“Yes, you are weird, D. Wu,” they said, “but that is the reason we like you.”
A big group of about fifteen of us from SSS had lots of swingin’ hangouts over spring break. We went ice skating, bowling, movie-ing, ultimate Frisbee-ing—you name the activity! Jake could not attend most of the events because he got sick or something like that, so that was a bummer. But the great news is that my father does not even mind the group of us hanging out so much because so many of my new friends are geniuses. Ross, Tina, and Nisha are all Mathletes and Future Scientists and Engineers of America. I have been able to convince my father that by hanging out with them, I will develop better grades by hypnosis.
Osmosis. Ross keeps reminding me that the word is osmosis.
Today was the raddest—we all went to Laser Quest! There were seventeen of us and we got a bunch of parents to drive us there after school, and it was the funnest experience I have ever had in my life, methinks.
The first thing you do when you go to Laser Quest is you choose a code name. I made mine “Heather.” It really confused the heck out of Heather! Everyone thought it was the zaniest thing. I am a trickster. That will be my code name next time: “Trixtor.” See how I made it more future-y?
In our mission, I was on the green team. It was such a memorable experience. There was one moment when I cornered Devon and started firing my laser gun at him, but then McKenzie ambushed me—but then Leah ambushed McKenzie! Ambush sandwich! With McKenzie bread! Afterward, we all shared the heartiest laugh over it.
We played arcade games for like, two whole hours. I played Whac-A-Mole and Cruis’n Exotica and several games of Skee-Ball. On the whole I was quite unsuccessful. I only had enough prize tickets to buy two Ring Pops and a skeleton necklace. But on our way out, all the other guys and gals surprised me by giving me—oh, it was the coolest thing—I still cannot believe they did this—a magic set. And it cost, wait for it…500 prize tickets! They had all combined their tickets to buy me something I would love. They said I deserved it for giving them the opportunity to write, for bringing us all together. I said, “Just wait until Mr. Morales gets his hands on us. I may have done a great job thus far, but I think we are finally ready to be his club again.”
When I got home that evening, my mother said I had a message waiting for me on the machine. It was Jake. He said it is after school and he asked where I was and if we were going to hang out. Grr. What a dolt. I am fairly certain he knew about the plan to go to Laser Quest. It is just that he chooses not to get involved in these things, that is all.
CHAD2.0nicechad: hey
lilbeachbabe777: hey
CHAD2.0nicechad: sup
lilbeachbabe777: nm u?
CHAD2.0nicechad: nm
lilbeachbabe777: i had such a fun time tonight
CHAD2.0nicechad: yea
CHAD2.0nicechad: it was funny how alex and kristen were like
CHAD2.0nicechad: fighting
CHAD2.0nicechad: all the way thru dinner n the movie
CHAD2.0nicechad: n we were just like
CHAD2.0nicechad: chill
lilbeachbabe777: happy
lilbeachbabe777: yeah
lilbeachbabe777: krist and alex are like the couple from hell
CHAD2.0nicechad: yea
CHAD2.0nicechad: im so glad were not like them lol
lilbeachbabe777: yeah
lilbeachbabe777: i really like us
CHAD2.0nicechad: yea
lilbeachbabe777: about us, actually
CHAD2.0nicechad: ?
CHAD2.0nicechad: somethin wrong?
lilbeachbabe777: well
lilbeachbabe777: i think we should become official
CHAD2.0nicechad: were not official?
lilbeachbabe777: well
lilbeachbabe777: i think we should go public
CHAD2.0nicechad: were not public?
lilbeachbabe777: chad
lilbeachbabe777: i want my parents to know about us
CHAD2.0nicechad: o
CHAD2.0nicechad: o
CHAD2.0nicechad: thats awesome
lilbeachbabe777: yeah
lilbeachbabe777: well i think youre pretty awesome
CHAD2.0nicechad: thanks babe
lilbeachbabe777: lol dont call me babe tho
CHAD2.0nicechad: ok
CHAD2.0nicechad: hannah then
lilbeachbabe777: :)
lilbeachbabe777: i have to go to bed
lilbeachbabe777: i wonder who im gonna think about
lilbeachbabe777: while im dreaming
lilbeachbabe777: ;)
CHAD2.0nicechad: me probly lol
lilbeachbabe777: yes chad
lilbeachbabe777: you
lilbeachbabe777: good night
lilbeachbabe777: <3
CHAD2.0nicechad: night
lilbeachbabe777 has signed off at 11:39 p.m.
CHAD2.0nicechad has signed off at 11:43 p.m.
Miss Emily-Bear,
Sitting here in science and every five seconds I almost fall asleep, and the only thing keeping me awake is looking at Marco across the room…omg…his skin is so olive-colored and perfect…the two of us would have the tannest babies…
Be honest with me: I don’t think about Marco too much, do I?
Trash Can Days Page 17