by K E Osborn
My chest tightens at the thought of us not working out. “If we don’t work out, will we still be friends?”
“I want you in my life Ella, always,” he says.
“Me too.”
We both stay quiet and just bask in the peacefulness of holding each other. He’s gently stroking my arm while I trace his tattoos. There’s a calm enveloping us, and it feels like we’re going to be okay, even with Danger’s downfalls it’s moments like this that make everything perfect.
The rest of the weekend was spent in the hotel room pretty much in bed, either making love or cuddling. We didn’t have rough sex again only soft, gentle love making and I know Danger did that for me. I did try to roughen it up a little one time, but he slowed me down and brought it back to a tenderer pace. He really wanted to prove to me it wasn’t all about hard fucking, and he did that plenty of times. It was nice to be completely alone with him, no other band mates around, no security or paparazzi, nothing. Just him and me in our own private, secluded piece of the world locked away from everything. He still had to make a couple of calls, but he tried to do that when I was having a shower or eating so it wouldn’t interrupt our alone time together. He actually was making a concerted effort, and I was happy to have him all to myself.
But now it’s Sunday afternoon and he needs to go about his business which means our time together is over. My tummy is churning at the thought of leaving him. I didn’t think I’d be this worked up over having to say goodbye, but this time is different. I have no idea when I’ll see him again, and how long I’ll have to wait before I can kiss, or hold, or feel him inside of me. Sitting on the edge of the bed while he talks on the phone, I place my head in my hands and I can’t fight back the tears as they well in my eyes. I don’t want to leave, but I know I have to. Softly crying into my hands, I hear Danger talking on the phone when he suddenly stops.
“Hey, I’ll have to call you back,” he says and then is by my side in a flash. “Baby, talk to me,” he says sitting next to me on the bed and rubbing my back. Leaning into his side, I wrap myself around him holding onto him tightly.
“I don’t think I can leave you,” I say through soft sobs.
“I don’t want you to go either. Trust me, if there was some other way, f I could stay and we could be together, I would do it Ella, but my band mates are counting on me.”
“No, I know. I’m just being selfish. I hate not knowing when I’ll see you again. What if it’s two months? Or four? Or six? What if you can’t come back here for a year, Danger?”
He swallows hard and shakes his head. “It won’t be a year, I won’t be able to stand being away from you for a year, Ella,” he says and I bite my bottom lip and nod.
“Just promise me I’m going to see you again,” I say and he grabs either side of my face and looks right at me.
“This isn’t goodbye, it’s just see you later, okay? I promise,” he says and leans in to kiss me.
I sniff as he pulls back and looks me in the eyes. “Just…see you later, okay?” he reiterates and I nod. He smiles and I relax slightly at his bright smile.
“And you’ll still message every day and Skype?” I ask.
He nods and leans in kissing my forehead. “Every day without fail,” he says while I wipe my cheeks. “I hate this part too, sugar.” I can tell he’s being honest with me from the sincere look he’s showing me. I nod and he rests his forehead against mine. “I’m sorry I couldn’t stay longer.”
“I’m just glad I got some time with you, it’s enough to get me by.”
He smiles and leans in kissing me softly. His phone rings which breaks us apart. “Shit,” he says and he looks down at his screen.
“Sorry, I’m stopping you from your business stuff. I need to go don’t I?” I ask and he swipes the screen preventing the call.
He exhales and leans in kissing me again. I open my mouth and let his tongue dance with mine. I feel like this is our final goodbye kiss, and that I might not get another kiss like this for a very long time, so I make the most of it while I can. Running my fingers up and into his hair, I hold his head to me taking as much of him as I can. His phone starts to ring again and he groans into my mouth. I pull away and exhale.
“Danger, I better go,” I say and he licks his lips and nods.
“I’m sorry, sugar,” he says helping me stand from the bed.
“No, it’s okay, I get it. Gaining a headline tour for Recoil is important, you need to do this and I’m in the way. I’m going to miss you like crazy, though.”
“Me too. I’ll try to come and see you as soon as I can, I promise,” he says and I sniff, swallowing hard as his phone call rings out.
“Walk me out?”
“Of course.” He leans down grabbing my small carry bag and takes my hand and walks with me to the door of the penthouse.
“I’ve had a great weekend.”
“Me too Ella, I wouldn’t have wanted to spend it with anyone but you.”
His phone starts to ring again and he groans and shakes his head. Leaning up I kiss his lips and then take a step back while taking my bag from his hand. He looks at me and the pain in his eyes is evident. He doesn’t want me to go as much as I don’t want to go. But I have to let him work, someone obviously needs to talk to him and I’m just getting in the way. I feel like I should say something like something big needs to be said. I want to tell him those three words, but I’m not sure if now is the right time or if I actually do love him. I’m sure I must. The feeling in my gut that’s making it ridiculously hard for me to leave him right now must have some sort of meaning, right? But I chicken out and instead say nothing and walk out the door. Turning back to close the door, he’s looking at me longingly and neither of us says anything, but the look in his eyes says everything I didn’t want to see. He thinks this could be the last time he sees me, and the look of terror in his eyes is sending a chill right down my spine. I can’t look at him any longer, so I close the door and walk briskly down the hall toward the elevator without saying a word, without a goodbye, or a see you later. Without an, I love you, or a promise of more. Everything is up in the air, and as I press the button for the elevator, I silently pray he’ll come out of the penthouse and chase after me, kissing me one last time. But as I step into the elevator and turn around facing the door my eyes fill with tears and my bottom lip trembles while I feel that maybe Danger and I aren’t as stable as I thought we were.
I ride the elevator down to the foyer and wipe the tears falling down my cheeks. My heart is racing and my chest is tightening. My stomach’s in knots and I don’t know how to feel right now. The weekend apart from the first sex encounter was utterly perfect, but the look in Danger’s eyes just now has my blood running cold. He doubts we can make it, which now has me doubting it too. I just hope we’re strong enough.
It’s been months since I left Danger at the penthouse in London. Danger’s calls and promises to come over are becoming few and far between. I’m becoming increasingly more miserable and thankfully the band hasn’t been doing much. Chad hasn’t made another move and I don’t see him often, which is good. When I do see him, I try to avoid him, sticking to Annie instead who’s still miserable as ever. The interest in Danger’s band is increasing, so he’s concentrating on that and therefore, has no spare time which means no time for me. So I’ve had to keep myself occupied at night when he would normally be calling.
I noticed Annie sneaking out and with her mental state the way it is I didn’t want her going out alone, so I pretend to sneak out too. But what Annie doesn’t know is that I follow and watch her every night to make sure she doesn’t get into trouble. I just hang at the back of the pub and watch. I don’t want to interfere with Annie, I feel like it’s something she needs to do to get over Aston, but I need to be there in case anything happens.
Tonight is no different. We’re at the Oxfordshire pub and Annie is drunk and dancing as usual. She looks like she’s having fun, but maybe she might be a little bit too drunk. She
’s dancing with this guy and I don’t know if he knows who she is, but he’s getting very familiar with her. I stand in the shadows gnawing on my bottom lip wondering if I should make a move or not. I hate seeing Annie this inebriated, she definitely isn’t in control of herself right now. I don’t want to look away because this guy seems like the type to suddenly whisk her off to the bathroom for a quickie. I know the type well. My chest constricts as I think of Danger and the time we fucked in the bathroom at the club. I huff and take a sip of my cocktail and shake my head trying to remember that I’m here on a mission, and not to get lost in my thoughts of Danger and how monumentally screwed up our relationship is.
The guy Annie is dancing with starts to move his hands under Annie’s top and I open my eyes wide as she does nothing to stop him. He moves in kissing her neck while he continues to pull her top up. I gasp and start to walk toward her quickly as a guy intervenes and pulls the douche off her and walks away with his mate leaving Annie completely unaware that her friend has even left her on the dance floor. She continues to dance on her own to the music seeming completely fine. I shake my head and huff watching her as the hairs on my arms stand on end. I look around the room and notice Chad and Aston walk in. Freezing, I look over at Annie. I don’t want her to see Aston, so I run forward to Chad, who smiles brightly. He opens his arms and wraps them around me tightly pulling me to him swaying slightly seeming a little intoxicated himself. Aston frowns when he notices me. Pulling out of Chad’s grip, even though I desperately want to stay there, I pull back and look at Aston.
“You have to leave, Annie’s here and she’ll freak out if she sees you,” I say and he nods just as Amber from Red Velvet walks up and cuddles into his side. I look back at Annie making sure she isn’t looking this way, she isn’t, then I glance back to Aston.
“Aston please,” I beg and he looks over at Annie, who’s dancing on her own looking utterly wasted. He frowns and his eyes are sad as Amber cuddles into him completely, but he seems to be ignoring her.
Chad wraps his arm around my shoulders and nuzzles into my hair smelling me, and I furrow my brows wondering what he’s doing when Aston looks down at Amber.
“We have to go somewhere else,” Aston says and Amber moans.
“But I like it here,” she replies and then follows his line of sight to Annie. Amber huffs and crosses her arms over her chest.
“Right! It’s always about fucking Annie with you, isn’t it?” she states and storms out of the club.
“Sorry,” I say and he shakes his head as he continues to stare at Annie. “Look after her Ella, don’t let her drink anymore, okay?”
I nod and he walks off after a disgruntled Amber. Turning around, I can finally stop panicking about Annie seeing Aston and pay attention to the buzz surrounding me. Every inch of me is on fire, and yet I have goose bumps all over my skin. My heart is racing and not from the thought of Annie seeing Aston, it’s from Chad being so close. I look at him and realise he’s just staring at me as I try to gather my uncontrolled breathing. I shake my head and grab his hand. He seems drunker than I thought. Dragging him to a booth, I can’t help but feel the buzz and energy pulsating through my hand from his. Sitting down, Chad sits next to me and he continues to stare. I shake my head and look into his green eyes and they’re sparkling with lust.
“What?” I ask.
“You’re beautiful when you’re cranky,” he slurs.
I laugh and shake my head. “You’re funny when you’re drunk.”
Wrapping his arm around my shoulder pulling me to him, he kissing my head. “I’m only drunk because of you.”
“Because of me?”
“Because you don’t want me.”
I swallow hard and look down at the table in front of me.
“It’s okay. I know, I’m the funny guy. I’m the brother figure and all that. I’ll just be your friend, and wank off to your picture instead of the real deal, it’s no biggie,” he says and I laugh slightly embarrassed as he hiccups.
“Do you know what you just said?” I ask and he looks at me and shrugs.
“Umm…that I…actually no, I have no idea. What are we talking about?” he slurs and I cuddle into his side and shake my head.
I feel sorry for him, but I guess if he’s happy to just be friends then I’m okay with that too. I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time. This world I’m living in, the world where I’m Danger’s girlfriend, but I never hear from him, is wearing thin.
Would a world with Chad in my life be so terrible?
The only reason I don’t have Chad in my life is because of Danger, and he’s not around so really why can’t Chad be my friend? I wish I knew where Danger and I stood? I wish he’d take the time to call or just end it if that’s what he wants.
I wish I knew if I could take this thing with Chad further.
Oh my God, did I just think that?
Am I finally admitting maybe there’s more to Chad than friendship?
No, there can’t be. I need to be faithful to my boyfriend. I need to stick this out with Danger until he tells me we’re done. I want us to work, so I need to stop thinking thoughts about Chad and start thinking about Danger. I look over to Annie and watch as she walks out of the pub and to a waiting taxi on the rank outside. I see her through the big window as she awkwardly gets into the taxi.
Chad’s hand starts to slide up my leg and I close my eyes relishing in the contact. Swallowing hard, I bite my bottom lip as his breath warms the nape of my neck. His lips gently caress my skin and I breathe fast knowing he’s too drunk to stop himself, but I’m not drunk and one of us has to be an adult here.
“Chad,” I whisper and his hand stops. He pulls his head back from my neck and looks into my eyes.
“I want you, Ella,” he murmurs.
“Not now, Chad. Right now I need to get you home.”
“You coming with me?”
“Not this time, stud,” I say and he frowns extending his mouth into a pout which makes me chuckle. “C’mon,” I say and he slides out of the booth and brings me with him. I wrap my arms around his waist and we walk toward the exit. Grabbing my phone, I dial Aston.
“Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters?” he asks and chuckles at his own joke.
I smirk and shake my head as the phone rings. “Is Annie okay?” Aston asks and I smile knowing even though he’s with Amber he still cares for Annie a great deal.
“She’s fine. She just got into a taxi and is on her way home I’m assuming,” I say and hear him exhale in relief.
“Are you okay?” he asks and I smile and look up at Chad, who’s humming the Ghostbusters theme song.
“Yeah, but Chad’s wasted. Can you come get him?”
“Yeah, I’m just down the road be there soon,” he says and hangs up. I put the phone in my pocket and place my hand on Chad’s chest to support him a little better.
“How you going there, studley?” I ask and he looks at me and smiles.
“I’m here with the most beautiful girl in the world. I’m drunk. I’m merry, and everything is grand,” he says waving his hands around expressively as I sit him down on the bench.
“Well, I’m glad you’re having a good night.”
“I can make your night better, mint sauce,” he says making me laugh as he stands up and then stumbles slightly.
“Oh, you can?” I ask and he smiles and nods rushing forward taking my head in his hands and looking right into my eyes. Freezing to the spot, my breath becomes rushed and harsh as he looks at me oozing so much lust it’s making my knees weak.
“Yeah, I can,” he whispers and then softly presses his lips to mine. A jolt sparks right through my very core making me feel so alive I want to burst. Opening my eyes wide I don’t kiss him back, but I don’t pull away either. His lips gently caress mine and the warmth of his lips is setting me on fire. An insatiable fire that I don’t know how to contain. A car honks breaking us apart and I breathe rapidly as Chad looks at me smirking.
; “See I told you,” he says and then sidesteps past me and knocks knuckles with Aston.
Chad leans up against the car as I reel from the unexpected kiss.
“How’s Annie doing?” Aston asks and I shake my head.
“Not very good,” I answer honestly and Aston frowns looking devastated.
Chad slides off the car and Aston turns and catches him just in time then places an entirely wasted Chad in the back seat of his car.
“Oh Chad,” I murmur as Aston turns back to face me.
“Want me to drop you home?” Aston asks. I nod and walk to the back of the car and slide in next to Chad. He falls over, his head falling into my lap and I run my hands through his hair as Aston starts the car and we make our way back to the manor.
Chad’s such a good guy and I feel sorry for not being there for him. He’s a mess and he’s like this because of me. I need to be here for him, even as a friend, because me avoiding him is apparently causing this mess. But let’s be honest, I’m a bit of a mess right now too.
Over the last two weeks, I’ve been going out and keeping an eye on Annie each night. She’s happy and is getting wasted most nights. I haven’t actually talked to Chad since the night I saw him out with Aston. I don’t know what he remembers and I don’t want to embarrass him if he remembers nothing. So I haven’t messaged him and he hasn’t messaged me.
Tonight is no different for me and Annie, we’re both sneaking out at the same time. Annie knows I go out too, she just doesn’t know it’s to follow her. I don’t know what she’d think if she knew. She’d probably hate me for it, but I don’t care I like knowing she’s safe with me there. I’d hate to think of what might happen if I didn’t go.
We sneak out and grab separate taxis and drive to the same venue. The Oxfordshire pub like always. It’s a small place and that’s why I think Annie likes it here, no one recognises us, and if they do they don’t make a fuss. Walking into the pub behind Annie, but keeping my distance so she doesn’t see, I make my way to the back of the bar to stand. She makes her way to the bar and buys the usual beer, then makes her way to the dance floor. I decide not to spend tonight alone just watching Annie, so I figure I’ll see if Chad is doing okay. Pulling out my phone, I message him.