by K E Osborn
It made me realise that I’m settling with Danger because I feel sorry for him because I feel obligated. I can’t do that anymore. I need to be where my heart is, and my heart is firmly with Chad as we walk into his hotel room. We close the door behind us and walk into the bedroom area. Chad sits down on the edge of the bed and exhales looking out the window overlooking the pristine beach. I sit down next to him and rest my hand on his knee. He entwines our fingers together and we sit staring out at the beach until the sun starts to set.
“Are you hungry?” I ask and he finally turns to look at me.
“No, can we just go to bed?”
“Of course,” I say and stand up walking to him and pulling his shirt over his head. He stands and I unbutton his jeans and slide them down his legs and pull them off with his shoes as he steps out of them. I turn and pull off my shoes and pull down my jeans leaving myself in my top and underwear. He walks over to the bed and pulls back the sheets and slides in.
“Do you need some pain killers?” I ask and he shakes his head.
I smile and walk over to the curtains and pull them tightly closed, turning the bright room into a darker more sleep friendly atmosphere. I move over to the bed and slide in the other side and up to him. He wraps his arm around me and I cuddle into his side making sure every part of me is against him. I want him to know I am here. Every part of me is here for him right now.
“Thanks for being here with me,” he whispers and I look up at him.
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else right now.”
“Do you think it was painful for them?” he asks and my chest tightens as tears well in my eyes.
“Oh Chad, don’t think about things like that,” I say and he exhales.
“Yeah, I just hope it was quick, you know?”
I can’t stop the tears from falling out of my eyes and onto my cheeks. I wipe them away and cuddle into him further.
“Just know that they loved you, they loved you so much,” I say and he tenses under me.
“I can’t believe they’re actually gone. What am I going to do now, Ella?” he asks and I bite my bottom lip.
“You carry on. I know it’s hard, but Dingo would’ve wanted you to be strong,” I say and Chad breathes in quickly and sniffs like he’s having trouble holding it together.
“What about my brothers, they’re only twelve. I don’t know how to look after twelve-year-olds. Mum was so good with them. How are they going to cope without her? How am I going to cope without her, Ella?” Chad says and a small sob escapes his lips. I look up to see he’s crying and the sight breaks my heart.
“I know this is hard, I can’t even imagine. But I’m here for you, and Mum and Dad will help out in every way they can. You have help Chad, you’re not alone,” I say and he brings his hand up to his eyes and wipes his face.
“I don’t know how to function without my Dad. He’s always there, always around to give me guidance, always there for support. He’s always there to make fun of me. He’s always the one to be there when I fuck up, Ella. What the fuck am I meant to do now? Who the fuck do I turn to?” he asks through sobs, his chest heaving as he barely gets the words out. I’m crying now too and I look at him and bite my bottom lip.
“Me, it’s always been me. I will be here, forever Chad, no matter what. I love you,” I say and he exhales and looks at me. His breathing is staggered as he watches me through tear soaked lashes.
“You love me?” he asks and I smile and nod.
“So much,” I say and he frowns and clenches his eyes shut.
“Let’s not do this tonight. I can’t…I don’t even—”
“It’s okay, I understand. It’s too much. Let me just be here with you. Let me be your support, all right?” I ask and he opens his eyes and looks at me through the tears, his dull green eyes look like their holding so much pain it unnerves me.
“Okay, I just need to sleep,” he says. I nod and cuddle back down into him and he holds onto me tightly as I wrap my arm around his torso holding him to me.
“Goodnight Chad,” I say and he leans in kissing my hair.
“Goodnight Ella.”
I close my eyes trying not to think of the imagery of the jet and Sia and Dingo being sucked out of the side of it.
Our sleep was interrupted by Chad’s constant nightmares. Every time he would drift back to sleep he would wake up screaming and I’d have to calm him down. After the fifth time though it stopped, and we got some actual sleep. I’m cuddled into Chad, and I’m pretty sure it’s late morning. I raise my head from his chest and look at the bedside clock, it’s 10:30 a.m.
“Danger will be here soon. You should go and be there for him when gets here,” Chad says out of nowhere.
I sit up and look at him. He looks terrible, the circles under his eyes are darker and he looks so pale, I just want to hold him.
“I forgot all about Danger. I need to talk to him and break of our engagement—”
“Now’s not the time to discuss that, Ella,” he says sitting up on the bed. I look at him furrowing my brows.
“But the crash made me realise who’s actually important to me. And even though Danger is a part of my life, he’s not the one firmly in my heart,” I say reaching out for his hand.
He scoffs and pulls his hand away getting out of the bed and walks over to my jeans holding them up.
“Get out,” he says sternly.
I jolt my head back in confusion and look at him. “I’m sorry, what?” I ask.
“Get out, Ella,” he says and throws my jeans on the bed.
I stand up and start putting them on completely confused. “Chad what’s going on?” I ask and he turns away from me as I put on my jeans.
“You only want me out of pity. You change your mind like the wind, Ella. So much so I get whiplash. You’ll go back to Danger when this all settles down. It’s him. It’s always been him, and I can’t deal with this right now. I have two funerals to plan. Children to look after. A life, post my parents,” he says loudly and angrily, I swallow hard and shake my head.
“It’s not like that, I swear,” I say and he turns to face me.
“I’m sorry, I don’t believe you. Now please, you’re making a mockery of my misery. Please, will you just fuck off,” he says bending down and throwing my shoes at me.
I breathe heavy and start to shake as Chad dismisses me. I pick up my shoes as my eyes fill with tears and turn toward the door.
Looking back over my shoulder. “I’m still here if you need me.” Then I turn back walking out of the door and into the hallway. Security is still here, and I try to control my erratically beating heart as I hyperventilate and feel like I might pass out.
Chad thinks I pity him?
That my feelings aren’t real.
But I love him, I know I do.
In the hazy fog of the last twenty-four hours, I actually see the clearest I have in all my life. Chad’s the man who I’m meant to be with. Nearly losing him proved it to me. As much as Danger holds a place in my heart, it just isn’t in the right place.
I walk on shaky legs to my hotel room and open the door. As I walk in, I see Danger pacing the room on his phone looking panicked. He turns and drops the phone to the floor racing to me. “Thank God, you’re okay,” he says coming toward me and picking me up and twirling me around. “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to call you for ages. I heard about the crash and no one knew where you were, and your phone kept ringing out. Jesus Ella, I’ve been so fucking worried out of my mind. I’m dying here,” Danger says holding me so tight, I can hardly breathe.
“I’m sorry, I have no idea where my phone is. I was with Chad all night looking after him,” I say and he lets go of me. I walk over to the bed and sit down. He walks over and sits down next to me.
“Are you okay? It must’ve been really horrible witnessing Chad’s parents like that. Aston told me all about it. Chad must be really hurting,” he says wrapping his arm around my shoulders. I can’t help it as I burst in
to tears. “Oh hey, sugar, I’m here for you,” he says pulling me to him and I shake my head and wriggle away from him.
“I can’t do this,” I say and he looks at me frowning.
“I know it’s hard to lose people baby, especially two that you’re so close to. But I’ll help you get through this, sugar,” he says being so kind I can’t believe I’m about to break his heart.
“No, I can’t do this,” I say waving my hand between the two of us.
He raises his eyebrows and frowns. “What do you mean?” he asks.
I look at the floor because I can’t stand looking at him right now. “I’m not in this one hundred percent, Danger. I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” I say and he stands to pace the floor. He’s breathing fast and his nostrils are flaring.
“You need to be very clear right now, Ella. What are you saying?” he asks sternly.
“I’m saying we need to break up,” I whisper and he exhales loudly running his hands through his hair.
“I gave up everything for you, Ella,” he says softly like he’s trying to hold it together.
“I know,” I say and look up at him. “I’m sorry.” Those are the only words I can say as he rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
“You’re sorry?” he repeats and throws his hands in the air. “I love you, we’re getting married for fuck’s sake,” he says.
I bite my bottom lip and look down at my engagement ring and take it off my finger and hand it to him. His body slumps and his eyes fill with tears as he kneels in front of me wrapping his arms around my waist.
“Baby, please don’t do this. Ella, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I’ve given up so much. I’ve changed who I am so I could be with you. You’re everything to me. I love you, Ella. Please don’t do this,” he begs.
I close my eyes and shake my head. “I have to. My heart isn’t in it, Danger. I can’t keep lying to us both,” I say and he starts to cry and places his head on my lap. I run my fingers through his hair trying to ease his pain. A pain I’m feeling too. I hate this as much as he does. But in the end, I was blinded by my lust and I got it confused. All the time I thought I was lusting after Chad and was in love with Danger when in actuality the whole time it was the other way around. My heart has always been Chad’s and my body belonged to Danger, it just took something massive for me to see it.
“I love you so much, my life is in England now. What am I meant to do?” he asks and I shrug.
“I don’t know, I don’t even know what I’m going to do Danger. But we’re young and life is short. That is painfully obvious to me now, so I can’t keep living a lie. I’m very sorry I’ve hurt you,” I say and he looks up at me. I stroke his cheek and he looks in my eyes and his face hardens.
“Chad, right?” he asks and I scrunch up my face.
“I don’t know. I don’t know where the road is taking me, Danger, all I do know is that I can’t continue on it with you. I can’t pretend like we’re good for each other.”
He stands up, his breathing heavy and he’s looking around the room aimlessly. “What about the house?” he asks.
“You have it, I’ll go back to the manor,” I say and he turns to look at me.
“You know this is only happening because you’ve been through trauma, right?” he asks and I shake my head.
“No Danger, I’ve been feeling it for a long time. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself,” I say and his body slumps as he runs his hand through his hair on more time.
“God Ella, if you were so unhappy, why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve been better for you? I could’ve tried harder. I thought I was doing everything right,” he says and I wince.
“You were. You were doing everything right, Danger. You haven’t done anything wrong at all. I know this is going to sound like a cliché, but this is all me,” I say and he turns away from me letting out a groan.
“God damn it, Ella, you’re fucking breaking me right now. I gave up everything, every-fucking-thing for you. Do you not get that? I left my life for you. I changed the person I was for you. Fuck! How am I not enough for you?” he begs coming over and taking my head in his hands and forcing me to look at him. “I love you, Ella, with everything in me, I love you. You know that right?” he asks and I nod as he wipes the tears falling down my cheeks.
“I love you too, just not enough Danger. I’m sorry,” I say and he lets my face go forcefully. His chest is rising and falling hard and he leans down and kisses my forehead. Lingering for a while then walks over to his suitcase.
“You’re making a massive mistake, Ella, and you’re fucking breaking me in the process. I know you’ve been through something traumatic and life altering. But making big decisions like this right now isn’t the right thing to do. I’ll give you some time to really think things through. To really think about us, because I don’t want to give up on us. I love you too fucking much to let you go. But I’ll give you the time you obviously need—”
“I don’t need time, Danger. I’ve made my mind up,” I whisper and he exhales and his eyes fill with more tears.
“Fuck Ella! Don’t do this. Please! I fucking love you. I’m so in love with you, I can’t function without you,” he begs and tears flow down his cheeks as he stares at me.
I sniff and wipe the tears flowing down mine and shake my head. “And I can’t function without him,” I say honestly and his body slumps and he exhales turning away from me as his chest heaves dramatically. He groans and then his fist clenches and he yells and punches through the plasterboard wall. He pulls his hand out of the hole and picks up the lamp and throws it across the room as he yells. I bring my hands up to my ears and shelter myself from the noise as I cry watching Danger fall apart. He breathes so rapidly that I feel like he might pass out if he doesn’t calm down. He paces the floor and I notice blood dripping from his knuckles. He turns to look at me and his glare is cold and distant.
“I loved you more than anything I’ve ever loved in this world. I have nothing now, you’ve taken everything from me. I hope you’re happy,” he says grabbing his luggage and walking out of the hotel room, and what I’m assuming is out of my life for the absolute last time, leaving mess and destruction in his wake. Only this time it’s all caused by me.
After Danger had left, I stayed in the hotel room and cried for my broken relationship. I’d spent so long wanting to be with him that when I finally realised that he wasn’t the one I wanted after all, it hurt and I was in pain. I cried so hard I almost vomited. The emotion was too much for me to bear and I crawled into bed and cried into the pillow letting all the emotion of the past twenty-four hours envelop me.
There’s been an incessant knocking at my door and I really don’t want to move from my bed, but as it seems like it doesn’t want to stop I drag myself out of bed and walk to the door. Opening it, I see Annie standing there and when she sees me she frowns and shakes her head.
“I spoke to Danger, he said you broke up with him and by the way you look I can see he’s not joking. Ella, what’s going on?” she asks and my bottom lip trembles and I start to cry all over again.
Annie rushes forward and takes me in her arms embracing me tightly. “Oh God, Ella, I’ve never seen you so broken. Talk to me,” she says holding onto me as my knees give way. She eases us to the floor as she pulls me into her lap and comforts me stroking my hair. “Jesus Christ, Ella,” she says as I sob uncontrollably. “Please take a breath and try to calm down, you’re scaring the hell out of me.”
I look up at her and shake my head. “Danger’s gone, I left him for Chad, but Chad doesn’t want me and I’ve screwed everything up. Chad needs me and I threw myself at him when he was grieving and I can’t even believe I did that. I told him I loved him and what did I expect, he’d just lost his parents. I’m a fucking idiot,” I murmur and Annie half smiles and pulls my head to her chest and comforts me.
“Shh, it’s okay, it will all be okay. Chad is hurting. Give him time. He loves you too, and he’s g
oing to need you, now more than ever. Just be his friend at the moment, that’s who he needs right now,” Annie says as my crying subsides.
“I can definitely do that,” I say.
“I know you can. You’re stronger than you think,” she says and then glances into the hotel room and notices the broken lamp and the hole in the wall. “Doing some redecorating?”
“Danger,” I say and she tenses.
“Did he hurt you?”
I shake my head and look at her so she knows I'm serious. “No, he would never hurt me, just the wall, and himself. He was so utterly destroyed, Annie. I think I’ve broken him.”
“Try not to think about it, you did what was right for you. You haven’t been in the relationship for a while, it was the right choice ending it. It would’ve happened sooner or later,” she says and I nod and wipe my cheeks.
“Yeah, I should never have agreed to marry him in the first place.”
Annie runs her hand up and down my arm comforting me. “Hindsight is a wonderful and horrible thing,” she says and I nod. “How about we get you cleaned up and then we’ll head downstairs. We’re all getting ready to head back home, Dad thought there was no point in staying for the holiday. No one wants to be here, plus there are funerals to arrange, so we’re all heading home,” Annie says and I tense up.
“How are we getting home?” I ask and she frowns.
“On a jet. Dad’s hired one and got the best pilot in America to fly us home. Going by sea would take too long and Dad says the chances of it happening again are impossible.”
“I don’t like it, though, and I bet Mum is scared shitless,” I say and Annie nods.
“Yeah, Mum’s petrified. She was already scared, now I think we’ll have trouble even getting her on the plane,” Annie says and I tend to agree with her.
“You might have trouble getting me on the plane,” I whisper and Annie nods.
“Yeah, me too,” she replies and then pulls me away from her and stands up. “C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up and looking semi-alive and less zombie apocalypse,” Annie says and I manage a small laugh.