Find Me

by Laurelin Paige

  My entire body sighed. He was right. “Dammit! What the hell am I going to wear then?”

  “Shorts. A skirt. The top is nice, though. Or you could do a summer dress thing. What are you going for?”

  “I’m going for something that’s not easy to take off.”

  He laughed, probably deservedly so. “Is that how you plan to keep him from getting in your panties?”

  I shrugged. “Probably not foolproof, but, you know.” I’d already explained to him my reasoning about wanting to hold off on sex, how JC and I needed to get to know each other on a more basic level before deciding whether or not our relationship was worth pursuing. In true brotherly fashion, he’d mocked my plan but was otherwise humoring me.

  Now Ben shook his head. “Girls are weird. Straight girls are really weird.” He rubbed at the goatee he’d just started to grow, scratched at it as if not yet used to it. “How about a romper?”

  “I don’t have one. But I have a skort!”

  “You can’t wear a skort! Are you stuck in the nineties?”

  “They’ve come back in fashion. Hold on. You’ll see.”

  In two minutes I was back with a black skort with scalloped edges. I slid on my strappy slip-ons and presented myself. “Well?”

  “That’s a skort? I was picturing one of those tennis things. Or something denim. But this is good. You can wear that.” He scanned the length of me. “Except I don’t really think you’re committed to the no-sex thing.”

  “Fuck you. I totally am.” I stood in front of the full-length mirror in the foyer and applied my lip gloss. “Why do you say that anyway?”

  “You shaved your legs.”

  “I shave my legs every day. It doesn’t mean a thing.”

  He came up behind me so I could see him in the reflection. “Yeah, but did you shave elsewhere?”

  I scowled as I threw the gloss in my purse. “I missed my wax appointment. It was time.” My protests were weak. I spun toward him. “It proves nothing.”

  He leaned against my doorframe, an apple in hand. “If you say so.” He took a large, loud bite from the fruit.

  I smacked his arm. “Go home and eat your own food. And don’t you need to leave for the cruise soon?”

  He glanced at his watch. “Oh, shit. I guess I do.” He leaned in to kiss my cheek. “You look beautiful, sis. You are beautiful. If he doesn’t see that, he doesn’t deserve you.”

  “Thank you, Ben.”

  He opened the door, but before he left, he added, “Just remember that keeping your legs shut doesn’t mean keeping your heart shut too.” He winked at me. “I mean, I still love you when you’re a frigid bitch, but I’m not gonna lie—sometimes it’s hard.”

  “Thanks, asshole. Now get out of my apartment.” I laughed to myself for a minute after he’d gone, because for an asshole, he was scarily on point. I did tend to get frigid and bitchy when I felt threatened. So I promised myself I would not shut down.

  I grabbed my cell and checked the time. It was six-twenty-nine. I threw it in my purse and turned back to the mirror to give myself a pep talk. “We will not have sex. We will not have sex. We will not have sex.”

  Jesus, I was so horny already, and I hadn’t even seen him yet. I’d thought about taking care of myself before JC got there but wasn’t sure if that would make things better or worse. By the time I’d decided it would make it better, Ben was there, and now JC was ringing my buzzer.

  “You look incredible,” he said when I opened the door.

  I blushed as I gave him a onceover. He was dressed in khakis with a fitted shirt and a lightweight jacket. Lots of buttons, I thought. Which was a good thing, considering how damn good he looked. Had he always been that buff? “You do, too.” My thighs felt hot. Good thing I’d changed out of my pants.

  I really should have pulled out my vibrator earlier.

  “You brought flowers?” I’d been so taken by him I hadn’t noticed the small bouquet in his hands. Three red roses dressed with some smaller white bell-shaped flowers I couldn’t identify were wrapped in a red ribbon. I hadn’t expected it. “I didn’t know you were the kind of guy who brought girls roses.”

  He shrugged with one shoulder. “I’m trying to impress you. I have a feeling this date is a test of some kind, and I want to make sure I pass.”

  “Not a test,” I said dismissively. Though, wasn’t that what this was? A test to see if we got along as well outside the bedroom as we did inside? “But thank you. You do impress.”

  I shifted my weight to one hip and flitted my glance between JC, still standing on the other side of the threshold, and the flowers in my hand. “I should put these in water.” But I wasn’t sure I was ready to invite him in. Because in meant we’d be closer to my bed. And my couch. And my kitchen counter. All of which were locations that could be tempting.

  Really, I just shouldn’t be anywhere alone with him.

  Either JC felt the same way I did or he could read my mind. “You can do that later. The plastic containers on the stems should last until we get back. And we should get going.”

  “Perfect.” I set them on the console table behind me, relieved and nervous all at once. I took a deep breath, grabbed my purse, and turned back to him. “Let’s go!”

  In the hallway, he offered me his hand. I took it, then, there it was—the shock of his touch as his fingers weaved with mine. I let out an involuntary sigh, and with it bricks of tension fell from my body. Release. It shuddered through me as electricity sparked up my limb from where we were connected and spread throughout my body, and I wondered if this was what it felt like to melt. What it felt like to be frozen for so long and then, finally, to have the sun brush against cold ice, transforming it into something more fluid, something entirely different.

  I glanced down to where we were joined, so overcome by how right it felt to be touching him in this simple way. When I looked back at him, I found his eyes pinned on me. His expression said he’d felt it too.

  “You messed up, you know,” he said, as we started toward the elevator. “You were supposed to wear something that I didn’t want to rip off of you.”

  My cheeks heated—actually, I wasn’t sure they’d ever cooled from the first blush he’d caused. “You said it would be impossible for me to wear anything that wouldn’t elicit that response. The only other choice was to go naked.”

  “That would have been an excellent choice.”

  “But not very practical.”

  “I’ve never been a fan of practical.” He pushed the call button and the elevator doors opened immediately, the car likely still there from when he’d arrived.

  We stepped inside, our hands still molded together. The doors closed, and I so badly wanted to turn and kiss him.

  Instead I delivered the short speech I’d practiced since I’d woken up that afternoon. “I think I should tell you, I don’t have sex on first dates.”

  “Wow. That’s...surprising. Considering we had sex before we’d ever even been on a date.” He squeezed my hand. “But, after you left me with blue balls this morning, I already figured out you’d turned into a prude.”

  I laughed. “I’m not a prude. I’m cautious. And that’s nothing new. That’s always been me.”

  “Yes, it has.” The short phrase was full of subtext, and I knew he was remembering how uptight I’d been when we’d first met. Icy. Frigid bitch.

  “I’m better than I was,” I assured him.

  He nodded. “I know. Otherwise you wouldn’t have given me even this much of you. And if you want to wait, then I can too.”

  What I wanted was to push him against the wall and devour him.

  But that was an in-the-moment want, and long-term, I wanted a relationship that was real and lasting. “Thank you. It means a lot.”

  He leaned in close and, though we were alone, whispered in my ear. “I’m not going to say that I’m not dying to have you under me, Gwen. Because I am. But I’m dying to just be with you more.”

  Despite th
e descent of the elevator, his words sent me floating. “You’re really good at that impressing thing.”

  He gave me my favorite grin. “Who knew?”

  I knew. I wondered if he knew that he didn’t even have to try.

  Outside, JC had a car waiting for us. “A rental,” he said as we approached the curb. “In case you were wondering. I do have some cars of my own, but they’re in storage in L.A.”

  I cocked a brow. “Cars? As in multiple?”

  “What can I say? I like things that go fast.”

  JC was impulsive and carefree. Of course he’d like cars. It was such a simple thing to know about someone. The kind of thing a girlfriend or lover should be up to speed with. The fact that I was just learning it pulled sharply at my sense of reason.

  You don’t know him. He’s virtually a stranger.

  I knocked the voice in my head out cold. This is why I was doing this—going on a date. Refraining from sex. Because I wanted to not be strangers, and when we weren’t anymore, that’s when we’d know what was real.

  JC stopped at the door, one hand on the handle. With the other, he tugged me into him, my body touching his in so many places I thought I might die of overheating.

  “Hey,” he said and waited until I lifted my eyes to his. “Are you done overthinking this?”

  “Yes, actually. I am.” In fact, as long as I stood that close to him, it was impossible to do any thinking at all.

  “Awesome.” He opened the door and stepped back to let me in. “Then ladies first.”

  I slid across the backseat of the sedan, noting the cooler in the front passenger seat as I did. “What’s that?” I asked after he’d told the driver we were ready to go.

  “It’s dinner.”

  “Wow. You’ve gone all out.” JC took my hand again, and my belly clenched low, and I felt swoony from the simplicity of being with him. Innocently swoony, like a kid at a toy store. And simultaneously not so innocently. Like a teenager at senior prom. Two different desires battling, and I was walking a tightrope between them. It was equally thrilling and terrifying and I loved every minute of it.

  As the driver took us through the heavy holiday traffic, JC and I chitchatted about small things—our favorite movies, the last books we’d read, the newest project that JC had invested in. The last one earned further conversation. I’d been surprised to learn that he had been able to continue working while he’d been hidden away.

  “I used secure Internet websites that filtered through other storefronts. None of the investments could be traced back to my name or my location.”

  “Still,” I chided. “Wasn’t it risky?”

  He stroked his thumb up and down mine, sending sparks up my limbs. “Life isn’t any fun if there’s not any risk.”

  I wanted to be impressed and not aroused, but instead I was bothered and very much aroused. “I appreciate your take-the-world-by-its-balls approach, but there are some risks that aren’t worth taking. No matter what the payoff.”

  The degree to which it upset me made me feel vulnerable. I stared out the window, away from him, and waited for him to point out that I was uptight and high-strung, like he had so many times in the past.

  He didn’t. “You’re right.”

  I turned back toward him, surprised.

  “There are some risks not worth taking. And maybe I shouldn’t have taken this one. But I was extraordinarily careful.”

  “Well, I don’t like it.” I wasn’t willing to let go of my concern.

  He grinned like he’d just won the lottery. “I like that you don’t like it.”

  I rolled my eyes and pulled my hand from his. But he retrieved it, and I didn’t protest because I understood just what he meant, and I didn’t really want to not touch him anyway.

  When the car started to make its way across Brooklyn Bridge, my curiosity was piqued. “Where are you taking me anyway?”

  “Brooklyn Bridge Park. So we can watch the fireworks.”

  It was a noble gesture, but I was skeptical about his planning. “It’s almost seven. There’s no way we’ll be able to find a space there at this time of night. It’s the number one viewing spot for the Macy’s show. Crowds start gathering there at noon.”

  “More like nine,” he corrected. “Stop worrying. I’ve got us covered.”

  The driver dropped us off at Empire Fulton Ferry. Carrying the cooler in one arm, JC led me down to the river, past Jane’s Carousel to the boardwalk beyond. As I’d suspected, the area was already quite crowded, but he weaved me through the clusters of people lounging on blankets and deck chairs as though he knew exactly where he was going.

  We ended at a man sprawled out on a red-checkered blanket, two pillows piled underneath him. He was mid-forties, bald, but sharp looking. In good shape. He stood when he saw us approach. “Damn. Now I have to go sit with the wife,” he said as he extended a hand to JC.

  JC shook it but turned to me as he did. “Gwen, this is Dom. He’s one of the assholes who put me in the undercover program. I told him he owed me.”

  “Yeah, so I’ve been parked here since about nine-thirty. Like my tan?” He took my hand next. “Pleasure to meet you, Gwen. I was sure he made you up. And you’re actually as pretty as he said.”

  Warmth shot through my chest. “He said things about me?” I eyed JC. “Maybe you can stick around a little longer, Dom, and chat.”

  “Nah, nah. Dom has his wife to get to. And you can stop holding her hand now too.”

  Dom laughed, pulling me into a side hug instead of letting me go. “He’s fun to mess with, isn’t he?” When JC pinned him with a glare, Dom released me. “All right, all right.” He clapped a hand around JC’s shoulder. “Just pack everything up, and I’ll come back by to grab all this stuff on my way out. Harris and Richie are both here with eyes on you, but I told them to hang back.”

  JC darted his eyes toward me then back to Dom. “Thanks. Now get lost.”

  Dom wandered off to find his family, and I turned to JC, my arms crossed over my chest suspiciously. “Who are Harris and Richie?”

  “Uh, they’re guys on Dom’s crew. I guess they’re here too.” He knelt to begin setting out our picnic.

  “Huh.” It had been a weird way to phrase it if that was all Dom had been getting at. “It sounded like he was saying something else. Do you have bodyguards? Are we being watched?” I scoured the crowd around us, looking for anyone who seemed out of place.

  “Uh, no.” He pulled a bottle from the cooler. “Want something to drink?”

  “Are you changing the subject?”

  He finished assembling a plastic wine glass before raising his eyes to mine. “I am changing the subject. I’ve spent a year with those dicks, and tonight I’d like to forget about them and focus on you. Is that all right?”

  I hesitated, but then I said, “It’s all right.” Because I wanted his focus on me and nowhere else.

  But I also knew he was hiding something and that rankled me. And it made me worry, too. Mennezzo was behind bars. So why would JC need protection?

  I meant to drop it. That’s what he wanted, and I knew from experience that pushing him never got me anywhere. But I couldn’t let it go. “Just tell me, are you safe?”

  He flashed me my favorite grin—charismatic with a hint of playboy. “Of course I am.”

  Even with all his secrets, I still trusted him. And maybe I was reading things wrong. It wasn’t crazy to think that he really wanted to put the trial and everything related to it behind him. So I said nothing else about the subject and sat down next to him.

  The pier was hard even underneath the blanket, and I wondered if I should have worn jeans after all. Ben was right about the night being warm, though. And sitting so close to JC brought a constant surge of heat that blazed hotter every second that passed, despite my intentions to remain cool and aloof.

  A chilled drink didn’t sound like a bad idea after all.

  JC peeled the foil off the bottle and unscrewed the lid, to which
I raised an eyebrow. “It’s nonalcoholic,” he explained as he passed it to me. “I figured after the humiliation of the last time I drank, it would be better to stick to this instead.”

  “Probably a good idea.” I raised my glass to my lips and took a swallow of the sweet sparkling juice. “It’s an excellent choice.”

  While JC organized the rest of the picnic, I sipped on my cider and tried to pretend I wasn’t studying him as intently as I was. Memories merged into the present. His concentrated focus, the deliberate way he set about his task, that wrinkle on his forehead—they were all so familiar to me. All things I’d seen him do when he’d moved in and out of me. When he’d given all of his attention to my orgasm. When he’d let go and come as well.

  Jesus, how was I ever going to make it through this date?

  JC met my stare, his expression amused, as if he could guess my thoughts. He held out a sub sandwich wrapped up in foil. “If this isn’t what you want me to be giving you right now, we could always leave.”

  “You wish.” I wished too. More than I’d thought I would. My fingers brushed his as I took the sandwich, and I had to bite my cheek to suppress my moan.

  Food. Food would distract me.

  I began unwrapping it, curious as to what he’d guessed that I’d want on it. “Turkey and bacon with mayo?” It was one of my favorite combinations. I looked at him suspiciously. “Did you call my sister?”

  “I asked Matt. He said you always ordered turkey, bacon, mayo, hold the tomatoes from the kitchen when you worked for him.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Sneaky. I approve.” I lowered my focus to my sandwich so he couldn’t see how giddy I was at knowing how much effort he’d put in planning our date. And on such short notice. Was this the real JC? Was he actually this much of a nice guy? I’d fallen in love with the man who’d pushed and dominated and fucked me in such dirty ways. I hadn’t guessed that this was another side of him. Surprisingly, I liked it just as much.

  The discovery was also not doing much to calm my libido.

  Food did help, though. A bit. Soon the constant blare of lust dulled to a low hum that was still distracting but manageable. We ate in comfortable silence, watching the display around us, our gazes periodically returning to each other. It was funny how there could be so many people, all of them engaged and participating in their own holiday celebration, and yet it felt like we were alone, the crowd merely scenery, set there by JC to decorate our perfect date.