Find Me

by Laurelin Paige

  He reached for me, but when I kept my arms folded over my chest, he dropped his hand on the bed. “I do want you with me, Gwen. I want you with me always. We’ve been through this. There’s more to think about than you and me.”

  “Who else is there? Our baby? Because she’s a reason that I should go with you. She needs her father.” I was almost shrieking, and I didn’t even care. I’d thought I’d lost him. I couldn’t bear to consider letting him go on purpose.

  JC’s expression was gentle. “She does need her father.” He paused. “And that might not be me.”

  I swallowed the sob that threatened. “Uh-uh. I don’t accept that. Even if you’re not the biological father, you’re the person I want to raise this child with. Only you.” We’d had this fight before, but neither of us had ever won. I wouldn’t let him beat me now. “You said you’d raise her. You said you wanted her no matter what.”

  “I do want her. Or him. But if Chandler is the father, he has a right to be involved. I can’t in good conscience take his baby away from him, and I know that you can’t either. You’d hate yourself for that, and you’d end up resenting me.”

  I shook my head emphatically. “You don’t know that.”

  “I’m not willing to take that chance. Not if it’s not my kid.”

  I wanted to keep arguing with him, but there was some validity in his thinking. Even though I was sure I wouldn’t resent him, I knew enough about Chandler to know he wouldn’t be happy if I took his baby away. And with the Pierce name and power on his side, it wasn’t crazy to think that he’d pressure whomever he needed to in order to find us. Taking Chandler’s baby away could put all of us at risk.

  I wanted to kick something. Wanted to punch the mattress or the wall. How long would I have to pay for my relationship with Chandler? Would it always interfere with going forward with JC? Would I forever be steeped in such deep regret?

  While I didn’t know the answers to those questions, there was one thing I knew with firm certainty—I would not lose JC again.

  My only hope was the paternity test. “If you knew it was yours, would you let me come with you then?”

  JC ran his hand across his forehead. “If we found out for sure that the baby was mine, then it would be another situation entirely.”

  I tried to appreciate his cautiousness. He wasn’t willing to let emotion guide him. That was usually my position on matters, and he was usually the one telling me to let go and feel and trust.

  This time I had to be the one who trusted. I trusted my instinct—the baby was JC’s. It had to be. I could believe in that enough for both of us, if I had to. “All we have to do is wait until the end of the business day tomorrow. The results should be in, and you’ll see. Then we can focus on protecting our family. Our family. Our child. Trust me.”

  Before JC could respond, the door opened behind us, and I turned to see Drew had returned. “When do we have to act if we want to take you up on protection?”

  “Well. The doctor wants to keep JC for observation tonight, so we are planning to get out of here first thing in the morning. The sooner we get moving, the better.” The way he rubbed his chin as he spoke, I could tell that he was anxious about even having to wait the night.

  “Can’t you just give us until tomorrow evening? If you keep him in ICU with a guard at the door, what difference will another eight hours make? Please just wait until then.” I was practically begging. I’d beg for real if I had to.

  Drew let out a heavy sigh then looked to my fiancé for the answer. “JC?”

  “Gwen.” His face was pained and his voice soft and full of love. “There are so many unknowns. I don’t want to put you in danger. I don’t want to be the reason you take a stray bullet, and I don’t want you to have to have a baby away from your family.”

  “Shut up. You’re my family.” I sat down on the edge of his bed, facing him. “I need you. I need to be with you.”

  He was still hesitant, but I could see he wanted to give in as much as I wanted him to. I knew that the reasons he was torn were noble. He wanted me safe because he loved me. He wanted me with him because he loved me.

  Finally, he said, “If the results come back saying that this baby is Chandler’s, you have to stay.”

  I wouldn’t make that promise. “It’s not his.”

  JC reached out and ran his hand down my face. “I know.” To Drew, he said, “We’ll wait until tomorrow night.”

  My entire body sighed in relief, almost as great as the relief I’d felt to find he’d survived the shooting with little injury.

  Drew clapped his hands together. “Tomorrow night, then. Got it. Here’s how we’ll proceed. Gwen.” He waited until I’d shifted to face him. “You’ll need to come by after visiting hours. You have clearance to be here at all times, but the hospital will be quieter then. Bring only your essentials. No suitcases or duffle bags. You can pack something small that appears to be items from home for JC. That’s it. Come alone and tell no one the truth about JC’s condition or what the plans are from there. We’ll have a team waiting here to escort you to a safe house and then your new location.”

  A bubble of sadness formed in my chest for all the people I’d have to leave, the people I couldn’t say goodbye to. But I pushed it away and held on to the knowledge that I’d be with the person I loved most. If I had JC, I had everything. “I’ll be here. Is there anything you want me to bring for you?”

  “I don’t need anything.” JC put his hand on my knee, stroking it tenderly. “If we decide that it’s just going to be me, Drew, how do you want Gwen to handle that?”

  “I’m going with you.” It wasn’t an option.

  “It’s a backup. That’s all,” he reassured me.

  He was being prepared. I understood that. But I suddenly saw a flaw in his logic. “It’s a stupid backup plan. If you’re gone, what will stop Mennezzo from going after me?”

  “That’s not his M.O.,” Drew explained. “He’s not out for revenge; he’s out to avoid prison. There’s no benefit for him to go after you.”

  “I’ll keep a guard employed to watch over you just in case,” JC added. “Dom has agreed to oversee your safety, even though I won’t be able to keep in touch with him this time since I’m going with Drew.”

  “We’re going with Drew.” I frowned. “And I can’t fucking believe you’ve already made arrangements otherwise. Aren’t we supposed to be partners?”

  “Just a backup plan,” JC said again. “I had to explore every scenario.”

  “Well, this scenario is not happening.”

  “If for some reason you don’t go with him, Gwen,” Drew said, ignoring my objection, “we’d want you to stay quiet about JC’s disappearance for as long as possible. That gives us until your wedding ceremony. It may be uncomfortable, but that’s a perfect opportunity for people to discover he’s gone. It will also distance JC from you publicly so that Mennezzo isn’t on your back.”

  “You mean he just won’t show up for the wedding? And I’d have to announce that I’d been jilted?” Everything about this idea made me prickle with rage.

  “You could have Norma do it.” JC continued to caress my leg. “You wouldn’t have to face anyone. Then you could go on our honeymoon by yourself and get away from all the stress for a while.”

  “I don’t want to go on our honeymoon without you! And I don’t want to go to my wedding knowing you aren’t going to be there. I’m going with you, JC. That’s all there is to it.” I felt like a child having a tantrum. Making demands that I had no authority to make.

  I hated my powerlessness. Another second of it, and I was going to break down again.

  JC must have sensed my fragility. “Let’s take this one step at a time, okay? Tomorrow, we’ll get results. We’ll go from there.”

  I bit my lip and nodded. Everything was going to be fine. One more day, and we’d find out that JC was the father, and he’d have to let me go with him then. It was going to be fine.

  “I love you,�
�� I said softly, in case he’d forgotten.

  “God, I love you too.”

  I knew he did. Hearing it relaxed me. There was no way he’d leave me when he loved me as much as he did. He was gallant and strong, but I was his weakness. I adored that about him, and right now I had to rely on it as well.

  The door opened again. This time it was a nurse who entered. “How you doing, Bruzzo? Did those pain pills kick in yet?” She walked over to the other side of his bed as she talked and examined his bandages.

  “They’re working as well as I’d expect,” he said. He gestured to his IV line. “Do I really need to stay hooked up to all of this?”

  The nurse looked at his chart. “Your next antibiotic dose isn’t for another four hours, so I can unhook your IV, but any patient that comes in here gets chained to the monitor. You’ll have to deal with it.”

  He gave her his most charming grin. “What will happen if I unplug it as soon as you walk out?”

  “An alarm sounds, and I’ll be right back in.”

  I laughed. It wasn’t often that a woman could resist JC’s wiles. I certainly couldn’t.

  He wasn’t deterred. “Can you just give me an hour? After that, I’ll do whatever you say, no complaints. I promise.”

  “I swear I prefer it when the patients can’t talk,” she muttered. Then she sighed and unplugged the monitor from the wall. “Well, look at that. This machine doesn’t seem to be working. I’ll have to switch it out. It should take me about thirty minutes to find another one.”

  Wow. I was impressed.

  JC didn’t seem to think he’d won all that he could yet. “At this time of night, they’re probably harder to find. An hour sounds more like it.”

  She scowled. “Forty-five minutes.”

  “Sixty.”

  I covered my mouth to stifle a giggle.

  Drew joined in the battle. “I’m probably going to need some of your time going over what that chart should say, Lydia. Give them the hour.”

  Her scowl remained, but she said, “Only because it’s you, Drew.”

  “Drew,” JC called after him, “can you flip the overhead off? And make sure no one bothers us, will you?”

  “I’ll tell the guard.” He flipped off the switch, leaving the bedside lamp the only light in the room, then shut the door behind them.

  I pulled out my phone to shoot a text to Norma saying that JC was going to be fine and that I’d call her in the morning. Then I looked at the man I planned to spend my life with. The man I was sure I’d lost. “You better not have gotten the room emptied so that you could give me more of your talk of backup plans.”

  “I got the room emptied so I can give you more of me.” His tone was full of innuendo.

  I chuckled as I ran my finger across his collarbone. “How much more of you?”

  “All of me.” He lowered his voice. “Especially the hard parts.”

  No matter what else was going on with my emotions, he could always make my stomach flutter. “Will we still get married?”

  “As far as I’m concerned, we’re already married.”

  “But we can make it official? I don’t care if it’s in Vegas or at City Hall. I just want to be yours.”

  He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it. “Anything you want. Come up here with me.”

  “I am up here with you.” I stretched across him, my attention on his bandage. He’d been sitting forward the whole time I’d been in the room, I realized, not letting his back touch the bed. “How long will you have to wear the sling?”

  “Only a couple of days so that the stitches aren’t ruptured.” He leaned up and kissed my jaw.

  I winced as my mind flashed back to the look on his face when he’d been shot, the way he’d fallen in front of me. I was pretty sure I’d have nightmares about that for years to come. “Does it still hurt?”

  “Like a mother. I need you to distract me. Take off your panties and get up here.”

  I narrowed my eyes, not sure if he was playing around or if he really wanted what he was suggesting. “There are people just outside the door.”

  “People nearby turns you on.” His wicked smile dissolved into a serious expression. “Get up here.” He said it in his commanding voice. The one he used when he bossed me around during sex. The one I could never say no to.

  I didn’t hesitate any longer, standing to remove my panties. I wasn’t feeling particularly aroused—not yet, anyway—but I understood that he needed this. He needed me. I needed him as well. We needed this familiar way of ours. Needed the intimacy and support. Needed to feel as united as possible when we’d almost lost everything.

  After I’d tossed my panties aside, I pulled down his sheet, exposing the long, lean muscles of his torso and the tattoo that decorated half his chest. The Japanese letters that read, “The current age of existence is but a brief moment in the current scope of existence” had influenced him to live for the now. I, instead, took it to mean that everything would pass away. The bad, the awful, the situation that seemed impossible to overcome today—all of it meant nothing in the grander scheme of things.

  And so what did have resonance for all time?

  Love, I decided. Only love.

  I swept my fingers down the design and then gripped the waistband of his briefs. I lowered them down, releasing his cock. He was already half-erect, and he grew thicker under my gaze. Just watching him harden for me got me wet.

  With my lids half-closed, I climbed onto the bed. He sat up straighter, an awkward move with the use of only one arm. “Are you sure you can do this?” I asked.

  “You’re going to be doing most of the work. Stop stalling and get on me already.”

  I straddled his lap, gathering my skirt at my waist, and hovered over him. With his good hand, he rubbed his cock up and down my folds until I was wet and he was fully hard. “You’re so goddamn beautiful,” he murmured when he lined up his head at my entrance.

  I bit my lip and sank down onto him. Slowly. Enjoying him more than teasing him. Letting myself feel every single centimeter of his shaft along my walls. He made me feel so full, so filled. So utterly complete.

  Shifting my weight to my knees, I began to pulse up and down along the length of him. My tempo was even but laidback, and selfish. He generally preferred to race us toward release, and while I generally preferred whatever he gave me, this was what I needed to give him right now—attention he could luxuriate in. Patient adoration. Tenderness. Love.

  He dug his fingers into my ass, pulling himself closer to me. “You’re so fucking tight in this position,” he groaned.

  I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I can feel you everywhere. All through me.”

  “I want to be everywhere inside you.”

  “You are.”

  We didn’t say anything more, letting our bodies and our touch speak for us. His kisses were both sweeter and deeper than ever, and my orgasm, when it arrived, stretched and unfurled through me, reaching every molecule of my being with its satiating bliss.

  When we’d finished, I curled up next to him under his sheet, my temple pressed to his. I crossed my arm over his chest and let my fingers dance aimlessly along his neck as we stared up at the ceiling. My mind was calmer now. My anxiety quieted.

  “I’m sorry, Gwen,” he said, breaking the silence.

  “For what?”

  “I should have listened to you. We weren’t safe. I put you and the baby at risk. If that bullet had hit you instead—”

  “Stop it. It didn’t hit me. We’re okay, and after tomorrow, we’ll be even safer.”

  “Yes. We’ll be safe. All three of us.” He brought his free hand up to sweep up and down my arm. “Tell me something. The other day you asked if I cared about testifying for Corinne more than anything else. Do you really think that?”

  I was surprised by the question and started to tell him that it was only said in the heat of the moment then thought better of it. This was a time for honesty. “Truthfully, I really don’
t know. It wasn’t fair to say that to you. Testifying is the right thing, and part of me believes you’d do it for anyone. But another part of me can’t help but feel like you chose her over me. When you left me the first time, it was for her, in a way.”

  I couldn’t see his face, but I felt the furrow of his brow anyway. “It was for me. It was what I had to do.”

  “I know. You’re a good guy like that. I also know you loved her, and even after she died, you were still willing to sacrifice your life for her.” I’d thought these words for so long, but it was so strange to finally be having this conversation. Even stranger was how unimportant it seemed now. Funny how a traumatic situation could change a person’s perspective.

  “I didn’t realize that’s what it looked like to you.”

  “It did before. Not anymore. Now I understand you better, and I admire your commitment to justice. Not everyone would be willing to go through that, even for someone they loved as much as you loved her.”

  “I don’t know if seeking justice is a real testament of love.”

  “Not the seeking justice,” I clarified, “the sacrifice.”

  “Yeah. Sacrifice.” He was quiet a beat. “You know, I don’t remember that feeling anymore. I know that I loved her, and I know that I could barely function when she died. But the actual emotion? It’s faded now. Especially in comparison to what I feel for you.”

  I took a shaky breath in then let it out. “I used to be so afraid that you’d always love her more than me. I feel so stupid after I hear you say something like that.”

  “That’s not stupid. It’s natural, I think. But, you know, it was never possible that I would always love her more. There was a time that I did, of course. Before I knew you. When we’d just met. But every day that passes, what I felt for her dims. And every day that I know you, my feelings grow. I love you more today than I did when I asked you to marry me. And I loved you more then than when I asked you the first time. And I loved you more then than when I first realized that I loved you at all.”

  He rolled onto his good arm so he could face me. “As long as we’re alive, it will keep growing.”