by Smith, Wendy
I love her with all of my being.
“How long have you been messaging Jenna on Facebook?” Lily’s tone is pained, and I can’t bear to hear it.
“She messaged me. And I replied to be polite. Not for any other reason.”
All Lily’s insecurities surface. She’s fought so hard for everything in her life, and here I am wanting to make her life easier in some ways, but just making things worse. “Are you sure?”
“Lily, I love you. I only want you.” I let out a loud breath. “I only ever wanted you.”
“You left me once before.” Her voice cracks.
I shake my head, my eyes searching hers, but all I see are her tears. “No. It wasn’t like that.”
“It was. You didn’t even hang around.”
Boom. There it is. The thing that’s never been said, but has been simmering at the surface since we got back together. The worst part is that she’s right. “No, I didn’t. And I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.”
I stand and reach for her, pulling her into my arms despite her resistance. “You’re right. I didn’t hang around, and I should have. I should have trusted in us more, and known you wouldn’t leave me. And then I stayed away far too long.”
She sobs, going limp, and I hold her tight.
“I was young and stupid, and I hate myself for what I did. You didn’t do a single thing wrong, and you spent years suffering for it.”
“You didn’t wait for me.”
I shake my head. “I made the biggest mistake of my life. All I can hope for is that you let me make it up to you.”
“So talk to me. Tell me. I need to know how you’re feeling.”
“The last thing I want to dump on you is what’s going on in my head.”
She sniffs. “Please, Adam. Do you know what it was like being in my mother’s sewing room all those months? Drugged, slowly starving, terrified of the dark? The only thing that kept me going was the thought of being with you at the other end. Now, I have you back, but I need all of you.”
“You have all of me. I swear.”
Her arms wrap around my waist, and I close my eyes. I’d do anything to go back in time and right my wrongs, but with no other option to do that, all we can do is move forward.
“I’ll never leave you again, Lily. I swear.”
“Having a baby isn’t going to stop me worrying about you.”
I press my lips to her temple. “I’m sorry to make you worry. You and Max and Rose are all I need. I just want to be the best man I can be for all of you.”
She lets go of me, and her eyes search mine. “Don’t you get it?”
“Get what?”
“You already are.”
I shake my head. “That’s not true.”
She lets out a loud breath. “You’ve given us everything. Most of all, your heart. I know you’d do anything for us, and that’s what we need.”
“I’m worried that I’m broken. That I’ll screw up and hurt you again. Hurt the kids somehow.”
Lily places a firm hand on my chest. “We’re both broken. But I know we’re each other’s glue. I’ll hold you together if you hold me.”
My heart stills. She’s right.
“Rose is still new, and I’m suffering some sleepless nights with her. That doesn’t mean I’m not here for you.”
“I know,” I whisper.
“Stop treating me like I’m made of china. I’ve been through the worst that life could throw at me, and I’m stronger than I’ve ever been right now. So much of that is because you came back, and I have the other half of my heart again.”
I nod, pulling her into my arms.
Everything she says makes sense. We’ll get through this together.
* * *
In the morning, there’s a simple message from Jenna with a name and phone number. Lily’s with me this time, and she smiles as I type back.
Thank you.
I open another tab and Google the guy. Great. He’s in Hamilton. I can’t complain, but it would have been better to get someone closer.
Lily lets out a sigh. “Guess you’ll be doing some travelling.”
“If this works out, are you going to be okay at home without me when I go to see him?”
She smiles. “I’d rather get you help now than wait and make things worse for you.”
The browser dings, and I flick back to Facebook.
You’re welcome. I hope it’s useful.
“Tell her I say thanks too.”
Lily says thank you, too.
I’m glad to help. Having a broken you is no good for her or your babies. Take care, and let me know if I can do anything else.
Standing, I slip my arms around Lily’s waist and hold her tight. “God, I love you.”
“We should have known there’d be bumps in the road with two damaged people being together. But we have one thing going for us that a lot of people don’t.”
“What’s that?”
“When we’re together, we’re whole. I don’t think we’d have ever been as good with other people. You and me, Adam—this was always meant to be.”
I reach behind me and flick the computer off.
“Are you going to call that guy?”
“Well, I could, but Max has gone to school, and Rose is asleep. Wanna make the most of it?”
A smile spreads across her face. “You might be onto something there. But there’s something I need to do first.”
“What’s that?”
She takes my hand and leads me to the kitchen, heading straight to the cupboard I stashed the bourbon in.
“How did you …?”
“I’ve not been as preoccupied as you thought.”
I open my mouth to protest, but the lid’s already off, and the amber liquid is being tipped into the sink.
“This is about the last thing you need. We’re going to stop this before it starts.”
I nod. “You’re right.”
“We’re in this together. You and me. The way it always was.” A smile spreads across her lips. “Now move your arse and get into that bedroom.”
I laugh as she leads the way, dropping her clothing as she goes. Following her lead, I slip into bed beside her, and pull her into my arms. Naked Lily is my favourite Lily.
Her skin’s so soft, and as I pepper her neck and shoulder with gentle kisses, I run my hand down her back. We’ve shared what intimacies we can since Rose’s birth, but most of the time she’s been so tired, and I haven’t pushed my luck. Now I get to indulge in my favourite girl.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d like my body anymore,” she whispers. When we got back together, she was quite self-conscious at times, given how thin she was. Over time, she’d grown more relaxed around me.
“I’ve always loved your body. Still do. You had a baby, Lily, and if anything, you’re even more beautiful.”
Her cheeks flush red.
“Just being able to touch you again is all I need.” I slip my fingers between her legs and stroke her gently.
She reacts, her eyelashes fluttering as my index finger plays on her clit. “Adam, I’m a bit nervous about this.”
“I’ll be gentle. You know I will. If anything hurts, tell me and we’ll stop. Okay?”
She nods. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too. With everything I have.” I drop my head to her breast and run my tongue around her nipple. She sucks in a breath, and I chuckle. “It’s okay. I know those belong to Rose for the moment.”
Lily laughs, and her body relaxes. “I don’t want to leak all over you.”
I shrug. “It is what it is. It’s still you, Lil. Doesn’t make me love you any less.”
Moving down her body, I marvel at the changes in it. When I returned, she was all skin and bones.
I kiss her stomach, and she sighs as my tongue hits her clit. “This. So much this.”
I laugh against her skin. “Miss me?”
“Yes. I mean, I haven’t been in any state for this
, but I missed how close I feel to you.”
I take a bite out of her thigh with my lips. “Maybe this is the therapy I need.”
“It’s got to be a good start, right?”
She bucks her hips against my face, and I take her over the edge. Grasping my hair, Lily moans, and the sound’s music to my ears. I know her body so well, and I know what’s waiting for me.
Slowly sliding into her grounds me. It’s Lily and only Lily I’m supposed to be joined with. No one else will ever do.
She’s breathless as I thrust, gentle at first and speeding up as I get closer. This will be no sex marathon. I want and need my girl so much; it’s not going to take long.
“Adam,” she whispers, and it’s enough to take me there.
I close my eyes when I come. Lily’s my heaven, and I’m back where I belong. Maybe it’ll help me get through the night without the bad dreams. That might be wishful thinking, but today we’ve reconnected on more than a physical level. Telling her about Jenna has closed the gap between us.
Rolling to her side, I pull her into my arms. “Are you okay? I wasn’t too rough?”
“You’re always gentle. I’m fine.”
I slide my hand down her back until it rests just above her arse and kiss her temple. “I love you, Lily. I’m just so worried I’m going to screw this up.”
“You’re not alone. If anyone understands this, it’s me. Don’t shut me out. We’ll work it out together.”
I don’t answer at first, and I cover her mouth with mine to taste her sweet lips again. She always got me better than anyone else, always understood.
We will work it out.
19
Hayley
I roll my eyes as Ash Harris’s name comes up on my caller ID. I’ve been trying to work out my next move when it comes to getting midwifery care into that damn place, and I guess I need to take this in case there’s some other situation that’s come up.
“Ash.”
“Hayley, I need you.”
“Look—“
“I’ve got a girl here in the early stages of pregnancy. She’s in a lot of pain, and I need you to look at her.”
I take a deep breath. “Bring her into the clinic.”
“She says it hurts to move. Can you please take a look at her?”
Shit. Margaret was up all night at a farm thirty kilometres away. I can’t ask her to go in my place.
“Sure. I’ll be there soon. Maybe I can get a follow-up visit in with Julia, too?”
“Anything.”
The gates open when I drive up to them. There’s still no sign of anyone opening or closing them, and I can only assume they’re controlled remotely. It’s creepy.
More than anything I wish Drew was with me. I miss him more than anything and his reassurance would help get me through this. I’m still grappling with my decision and will be for a long time to come.
I reach the main building, and Ash is there with a big smile on his face.
“Hayley, it’s so good to see you.”
“Where’s the patient?” I cut to the chase. No point in wasting time with small talk.
His expression grows serious. “Right through here.”
There’s a young girl waiting for me. She barely looks legal, and she’s pregnant. What the hell is going on in this place?
“This is Christine,” Ash says.
“Thanks. Can you wait outside?”
“I want him here.” Christine sounds a little panicked.
Ignoring him, I focus on the woman. “Hi, Christine, I’m Hayley. I’m a community midwife.”
She nods.
“You’re in pain?”
“I was. It’s not as bad now.”
My body tenses. If she’s feeling okay, why am I here? “How far along are you?”
“About fourteen weeks.”
I nod. “I’ll do some basic checks, if that’s okay? Listen for the baby’s heartbeat.”
She glances at Ash before nodding.
“Lie down on the couch, and I’ll take a look.”
With her lying on her back, I lift her shirt to feel her stomach. I swear I feel Ash’s eyes on the back of my head, but I push away the feeling of discomfort he gives me to focus on her.
Grabbing my stethoscope and Doppler out of my bag, I close my eyes for a moment to focus while I grasp Christine’s wrist. Her blood pressure is up a little, but nothing to worry about.
The baby’s heartbeat comes through loud and clear on the Doppler, and Christine smiles as the sound of the rapid beat fills the room.
“Everything looks fine. It’s time to organise your midwifery care.”
Her gaze goes straight to Ash, and he gives her a short, sharp nod. “Okay.”
“I’ll leave you some information. You give me a call when you’ve read through it, and we’ll sort out your first appointment.”
“Thank you.”
I turn to Ash. “Now, can I see Julia?”
Julia’s baby has already grown so much. Andrew gives me a big grin as she passes him over. It takes everything in me not to react to the fact that he’s a lot like the man I suspect is his father, Ash Harris.
“That’s a big smile, little man. He’s growing so fast.”
She reaches for my arm. “He is. Thanks to you. I can never thank you enough for everything you did.”
“You’re so welcome. He’s a beautiful, healthy baby, and I’m so glad you’re both well.”
Another woman in one of those drab, grey dresses arrives with a drinks tray. “Tea or coffee?” she asks.
“I might just give it a miss, thanks. I’ve got to get home soon.” I don’t have anything to do, but screw hanging around here longer than I have to.
“You’re not going so quickly?” Julia asks. “You’re like a baby whisperer, the way he’s so calm in your arms. He’s a bit up and down at the moment.”
“Sure.” Surrounded by people, she seems desperate for some company. I turn to the woman. “Coffee please. Milk and two sugars?”
The woman gives me a smile, and I turn back to the baby in my arms. “You’re just growth-spurting, aren’t you? How’s your feeding going?” I look up at Julia.
“Good. He’s so hungry, but I’m still resting after everything that happened. I’m in here most of the day, if I’m not sitting out and getting sun.”
I nod. “That’s good. Happy baby, happy mum.”
“Here you go.” The coffee’s placed on the bedside cabinet, along with Julia’s drink. I pass the baby back and grab the mug. Better to get this over with, and I just have to take a couple of sips to look as if I’m enjoying the hospitality. Seeing Julia is good, though. She’s clearly doing much better, and the baby’s thriving.
It doesn’t take long for whatever’s in my drink to hit me.
Shit.
“Something … something’s in my …” I can’t even finish the sentence, and Julia stares at me. I’ve had my drink spiked before, and this feels exactly the same.
The cup crashes to the floor, and I push myself to my feet, stagger, and lean on the bed.
“Hayley?” Julia’s terror registers with me. She doesn’t know what’s going on any more than I do. I can hear the panic in her voice.
My ears close in as if they’re being stuffed with cotton wool. Julia screams and leaps out the other side of her bed, her baby in her arms. My vision’s blurred, but I make her out as she heads toward the French doors leading to the deck. I try and follow her, but my feet are made of concrete.
An eternity passes.
Strong arms lift me, and I’m looking into the eyes of Ash Harris.
“Let’s get you somewhere comfortable.”
No.
I want to go home. I want Drew.
“Drew.” I say his name out loud because it’s all I can manage, and because I need him so badly. I’m shaking because I don’t know where this is leading, and this is the last place I want to be.
“Everything will be okay,” Ash says softly. H
e takes me down a corridor and into another room. There’s a large bed, and he lowers me onto it. I fight the urge to go to sleep with everything I have, but any energy I had is gone.
“Drew’s not here, Hayley. I know you broke up. I’ve been watching.”
I let out a pained moan.
“You’re meant to be here. With me. You’ll get everything you ever wanted.” He presses his hand on my midriff, and my stomach rolls in revulsion.
“No.” I manage to get the word out, but the fight is ebbing out of me. My heart’s racing, and I try and push myself up, but sink back down.
He lies beside me, stroking my hair. “It’s okay, Hayley. You don’t need anyone but me.”
I let out a sob.
There’s a loud knock on the door.
“Ash, I need your help.” Julia’s voice fills me with hope. She must know where I am.
“I’m busy, Julia.”
“It’s Andrew. I don’t think he’s well.”
He sighs. “He was fine earlier.”
She lets out a sob. “He won’t stop crying. Please come and see him. He’s so good with you.”
“Holy shit. I’ll be back.” He sweeps his hand down my side, his thumb grazing my nipple. I want to scream, but let out a groan instead.
“That’s what I like to hear.”
And then he’s gone, and I’m left in the room by myself.
What the hell can I do?
20
Hayley
The door opens, and I squeeze my legs together as tightly as I can manage. I’ve fought as hard as I can, and I’m losing. Terrified of what I’m going to wake up to, I open my mouth to try screaming again.
“Let’s get you out of here.” A gruff voice and a blurry face I don’t recognise are in front of me. I’m lifted into huge arms, and I struggle to protest. “It’s okay, Hayley. You’re safe.”
I don’t know why, but I relax, although that’s probably the drug’s work. I’m desperately trying not to fall asleep, but it’s so hard.