As she sat curled on the couch, the thoughts whirling around in her head, another thought fluttered through her mind, “Can you trust Me?”
Kristina went still, and the thought came again.
“Can you trust Me?”
I want to, she thought, but I’m afraid.
*****
Nathan sat for a few moments in his truck, staring at the house. He had struggled before with physical attraction, but he had no trouble conquering that roaring beast. But this overwhelming desire wasn’t for her physical presence. He wanted to know her - her heart, her past, her fears and hopes. He wanted to protect her and cover her with his own peace. When she had looked up at him, he was overwhelmed with the depth of emotions flashing through her eyes. It was like God had opened her heart for a brief peek, and he could see she was in pain, and struggling with immense burdens. All her barriers were down, and he was getting a brief glimpse of the real Kristina. The situation and the feeling so overwhelmed him, that he slammed the truck into gear and sped out of her driveway.
Moments later, he pulled into his own driveway. He could see David peeking his nose through the blinds. He laughed at his dog, but the laugh was shallow. Lately, coming home with only his dog to greet him had stung more than he cared to admit. He always had peace with the fact that he was still single, despite the fact that he longed for a family of his own. He knew it would happen in God's time. But ever since Kristina came into town, his loneliness had gnawed at the pit of his stomach.
Nathan unlocked his door, and rubbed David’s head affectionately before bending down to pick up the box his mom had left for him. She had called during school today to let him know she was dropping off a box of his stuff that she had run across in the garage. When he had left for college, he had told her to just toss it, but she had refused. “Sometimes we need to look back on our past to get a clear perspective on where we are going next.”
Setting it down on the counter, he let David out into the back yard. As he watched his dog frolicking in the backyard, his mind wandered again to Kristina. It had been doing that a lot lately. She fascinated him, and that bothered him. Though she came to church, he could tell she didn’t really understand what a relationship with God entailed. The look she had on her face today spoke of a hungry soul crying out to God. But whenever he tried to help her, she skittered away.
He turned at the sound of the doorbell, and was surprised to find his mom at his doorstep.
“Hey, Son, I just thought I’d check on you. Make sure you got the box of stuff.”
Nathan gave her a quick kiss, and the two sat at the kitchen counter. Never one to beat around the bush, Sandra McKinley asked, “What’s on your mind?”
He started to say nothing, but knew better. “I’ve just been wondering about God’s timing."
“The three M’s – music, ministry and marriage?”
He just stared at her, not wanting to answer, but knowing she already knew.
Instead of giving him her nuggets of wisdom, she opened the box and began pulling things out of it. One was a school paper he had written on the topic of where he saw himself in ten years. It was written just after he felt he'd been called into ministry. Afire with his new mission, he’d poured out his plan to be used by God. None of it had happened. He was a music teacher, and a worship leader at the same church he had grown up in. He had long ago decided he wasn’t worthy of being a pastor, and marriage – well, it eluded him as well.
“You know, I wrote one of these papers when I was a young girl in school. I was going to be a nurse, marry a doctor, and together we would be missionaries.” His mom laughed, “But then I met your father and that dream changed. Just think, had I been looking for a doctor, you would have never existed.”
He thought about her words, and his earlier thoughts of Kristina.
Just then David spied Sandra through the sliding glass door and began to bark excitedly. She didn’t hesitate to go see him. Outside, Nathan stood next to her as she threw the ball for David. His arms crossed, he was lost in thought until she spoke.
“Nate, I can’t even remember what David used to be like when you brought him home your first year back from seminary.”
Nathan laughed, “I can, and he was a frightened mess. He was too scared to even come out from under the bed and eat his food.”
“But you brought him around. He was so scared, so frightened of everyone. But your love saved him.” She tossed the ball again and watched David bounce after it. “I think his love saved you a little too.”
Nathan looked at his mom for a few moments, knowing she was preaching to him without a sermon. He thought about calling her out on it, but instead just said, “I thought you said you couldn’t remember."
Chapter Nine
Kristina gave her appearance one last critical perusal, smoothing a nonexistent wrinkle from her cream silk blouse and straightened her knee length floral skirt. She caught the sides of her long thick hair in a simple barrette and let the length of it tumble softly down her back. The soft click of her heels sounded on the hardwood floors as she headed for the door. Tucking her book and notes into her bag, she grabbed her keys and headed out the door to pick up Barbara.
As she arrived at Barbara’s house, the vivacious young girl came bounding out her door, waving goodbye to her father as she was dashing toward the car. Sliding in, she said, “Hey, Ms. Talbot, you ready?"
“Yes, are you?”
“You bet.” Barely taking a breath she went on, “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. I stayed up late last night, trying to decide what I was going to say. I changed it over and over, and I still don’t know what I’m going to say.”
Kristina smiled again and said, “I know you can do this, and I’m going to be right there if you need any help. It is always scary at first, but you will find once you get up and start talking, you will forget your fear, and your love for books will take over.”
Nathan had quickly spread the word about the book club, and before she could even blink, the club was formed. Mrs. McKinley suggested they meet at her house, and Kristina talked Barbara into not only joining, but helping her lead the club. Tonight, they were just getting started and doing an overview of the book they would be reading.
Once they arrived, Kristina scooped her bag out of the back seat and they headed for the door. Pressing a hand against her fluttering stomach, she headed for the front door with Barbara at her side.
No one had arrived yet, and Mrs. McKinley welcomed them warmly into her home. Kristina was both relieved and disappointed to find Nathan absent. After their last conversation in the truck, she’d been avoiding him, uncomfortable with how vulnerable she had been. Yet at the same time, she couldn't erase the promise she’d seen in his eyes. To her storm-tossed heart, it was like a lighthouse, beckoning her toward safety. But she still feared the rocks she knew must be lying just beyond the light, ready to tear her heart and envelop it in darkness again. She was just beginning to enjoy happiness. There was no way she could risk that.
Mrs. McKinley led them into the living room where the chairs and two sofas were arranged to form a circle. Spread out in the middle of a large square coffee table was a tray of refreshments. As Barbara pulled out her notes, she burst out, “I think I’m going to puke!”
“Oh, my!” Mrs. McKinley said, rising from her chair.
“No, I mean, I don’t mean that literally. I’m just really nervous.” Smiling sheepishly, she said, “Sorry, Mrs. McKinley.”
“Barbara,” Kristina said, laying her hand on the young woman’s, “You don’t have to do this. Maybe you can try another night.”
“No,” she said, as some of the color returned to her face. “I mean, I’m nervous. But at the same time, I really want to do this. I really want to get everyone excited about this book, and to let them know what I got out of it, and hear what they did.” Shrugging, she added, “And that keeps me from puking."
Pride filled Kristina’s heart. “How about I get the of
ficial stuff taken care of and you handle introducing the author and book?”
Hugging Kristina, Barbara said, “Thank you!”
The situation with Barbara momentarily made her forget about Nathan, and as people started coming in and she began talking with them, Kristina relaxed considerably. She was talking with Principle Shirley’s wife when Nathan came in, and she missed his entrance, failing to notice him as everyone took their seats.
As Kristina began, she stood near her place on the loveseat. As usual, when she stepped into her teaching role, she was focused and oblivious to all outside distractions, including Nathan sliding into the other side of the loveseat. After all the business was concluded, Kristina turned it over to Barbara, and with an encouraging smile, she turned to sit down. Her heart leapt to her throat as she saw Nathan sitting next to her empty spot. There was no avoiding him, and she settled next to him rather stiffly. She could feel the warmth from him, and when he crossed his ankle over his knee and settled his arm across the back of the loveseat, she rebelled at the vision in her mind. She could picture herself settling back next to him, cozy and comfortable, in the crook of his arm. It took every nerve and effort on her part to focus her attention on Barb. But soon the rapture of books consumed her, and allowed her to unconsciously relax back against the sofa.
As the meeting ended, he bent close to her ear and said softly, “Hey, Kristina, I just wanted you to know, my father and I talked to Bobby. I told him if I ever caught him harassing you or Barbara again, I would make sure he never played football in this state again.”
Relief flooded Kristina. “What did he say?”
“‘Whatever, man. I was just playing.’” Nathan mimicked Bobby’s tone, wringing a laugh from Kristina. Laying her hand on his arm, she said a soft, but sincere, thank you.
“You know, I have seen you teach, how would you like to see me teach?”
Startled, Kristina stammered, “I don’t have any musical abilities. I can barely sing without making dogs howl in pain, and I’m all thumbs when it comes to instruments.”
It was Nathan’s turn to laugh, “No, not my music class. I teach adult Bible study on Thursday nights at the church. I thought you might like it.” His charming smile lit up his face as he said, “After all, the Bible is the best literary work around.”
The thought of attending a Bible study was frightening enough. But the fact that it was being led by Nathan sent fear trickling down her spine. A flash of David’s weekly family Bible study skittered through her mind. There were very few weeks that she was able to scrape by without any sort of repercussion. No matter what mood he was in when the study began, David ended drunk with power, and she was his to control. And if she dared fight back in the slightest way, he crushed her.
She looked up at Nathan, her hand still resting lightly on his arm. His eyes were kind and concerned, obviously reading her fear. He’s not David.
Fear would have her say no, yet something began to battle her fear. Her bookshelf was filled with wonderful books, but lately, she spent all of her spare reading time pouring through the passages of the Bible. It was so different from how David had presented it, and she had tons of questions dying to be answered.
“I would love to.” She answered before her fear could stop her.
“Great, we just started Ephesians,” he said.
David’s voice reverberated in her head, Ephesian 5:31 says we are to become one flesh, and verse 33 says that you are to reverence your husband. That was the night she had not kept her emotions in check, and he sensed her hesitation when he went to touch her. He had made sure she had understood the meaning of the verses that night. A shiver coursed through her as she also recalled the time she told him she didn’t want to quit working at the school. Ephesians 5:23-24 calls for wives to submit to their husbands, in everything and in every way. She had paid for her disobedience dearly that night. The thought of hearing Nathan rant about submitting to husbands like David made her ready to back out.
She opened her mouth to say something when Barbara joined them. “Good job, kiddo.” Nathan said to Barbara.
Before either of them could say anything, Nathan gently squeezed Kristina’s hand. “Well, I better be on my way. I’ll see you at seven o’clock on Thursday,”
What have I gotten myself into!
By the time Thursday rolled around, Kristina’s stomach was in knots. She was ready to leave by six o’clock, and nervously paced back and forth in her living room.
“What am I doing?” she said, kicking off her heels and sitting on the couch. This was the third time she’d removed them.
She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, willing her stomach to settle. She had faith that God is and will always be who He says He is in His Word. Nathan’s gentle voice reached through her fear as she recalled what he said about Barbara's mother. And from everything she had been reading in the Bible lately, God wasn’t anything like David had presented Him to be.
David used God to manipulate me, and Nathan would never do that…would he?
She put her shoes back on, and headed for her car before she could change her mind. When she arrived at the church, Nathan was pulling into the parking lot at the same time. As she gathered her things, he jumped out of the truck and opened her door.
She was engulfed in his nearness as she climbed out, and his deep, gentle voice felt like it was rumbling in her belly. “I’m so glad you came.”
Nathan’s natural warmth and charming personality was so infectious that his smile just pulled on her heart like it was on a string, and she found herself smiling and confessing, “Me too, but I'm a little nervous.”
“Is this your first Bible study?” Nathan asked without a trace of condemnation in his voice.
She searched his face to see if he was mocking her. “I guess you could say that.” She whispered, averting her eyes.
Nathan placed his hand lightly on her shoulder as they walked to the church. “I grew up listening to my father preach, and we read the Bible as a family and on our own. It wasn’t until I was in high school that I started reading it because I chose to, because I wanted to hear what God was saying to me. That was when the words just came alive; they reached out to me.” Squeezing her shoulder, he continued, “That’s what God does when we go to His word because we desire to meet with Him. I guess a good analogy would be me being cordial to you in the teacher’s lounge because we are colleagues, and that is the right thing to do, as opposed to me inviting you here tonight. Your response to my invitation to join us tonight was more appreciated because of our growing friendship."
His words sent a flood of warmth into her heart, both spiritually and emotionally. The first thing that struck her was Nathan’s sincerity as he spoke of a growing friendship with her. But that was quickly eclipsed by the joyous thought of God just waiting for her to reach out to Him with joy in her heart instead of fear.
“I never thought of God wanting a relationship with me,” she admitted softly. “I always thought He wanted obedience, and that is it." Shaking her head, she laughed and said, “I bet I sound silly to you?”
“Not in the least. And you’d be surprised at some of the silly things I think.” Sobering, he added, “We tend to be shaped by our outward circumstances. Our parents, our upbringing, generational traditions, and even just our day-to-day life shape us. But God wants to come into our hearts and shape us from the inside out.”
Kristina stopped walking and looked up at him, “That is really beautiful.”
“A little bit on the poetic side, huh? Maybe I’ll end up in one of your literature books.”
“Now, don’t get carried away!” Kristina teased, as she followed him into the classroom at the back of the church.
“You can have a seat by me.” With a playful smile, he added, “You can be the teacher’s pet.”
Be careful, a voice sounded in the back of her head. But she quickly silenced it. Not tonight, she thought to herself. For tonight, she was just going to bask in th
e warmth and joy that was seeping into her heart.
Kristina hadn’t known what to expect at the study. What she found was a skilled teacher, who led the discussion with thought provoking questions carefully aimed to guide the group in the direction he was going. Nathan didn't dominate the discussion, and was slow to interject his own thoughts. Kristina remained quiet throughout the class, though there were some things she would have liked to say, and many questions were burning in her heart. She laughed to herself, thinking that this is how some of her students must feel as they give hesitant answers to her questions, thinking they might be right, but afraid to be wrong.
Chapter Ten
Over the next month, Nathan and Kristina fell into a pattern. Monday nights, the literary club gathered at her house. He began showing up a few minutes earlier after the second week, and she grew accustomed to him greeting and entertaining the group as she got the last minute preparations ready. She enjoyed seeing Nathan on her couch visiting with the others in the group, and it created a longing in her heart for dreams she had promised to leave behind. He also continued to sit next to her at every meeting. In the beginning, this caused her to be anxious, but she found herself growing eager for the sound of his rich laughter near her ear, and the warmth of his arm on the back of the couch.
Thursday nights also became an unexpectedly joyous routine for them. The seat she occupied the first night, became her seat from then on.
“Brian, what do you think you are doing?” May said to Mayor Williams one evening when she walked into the classroom with water for the coffee pot. “Come sit over here."
“Woman, what difference does it make where…?” His voice trailed off at his wife’s icy stare.
His confusion turned to a chuckle when she directed Kristina to take her husband’s vacated seat.
“Really, it’s not my…”
“Darling,” she interrupted, “I just like seeing your pretty face across from me.”
Miracles in Disguise (The Trampled Rose Series) Page 7