by CS Patra
“Um, of course,” Kai nodded. “Is something wrong, Father?”
“I know you like to go and watch the humans but I’m a little worried. After what you found, I’m scared someone will come after you. Our secret would be exposed. Even worse, you could be hurt. These humans don’t really think about others. They would be willing to destroy our home if it satisfied them. That’s why I don’t want you to keep watching them.”
“I don’t think watching them from a distance will hurt anyone, Father.”
“Even still, I would feel better if you didn’t go. Not at the moment. Is that understood?”
“I understand, Father. I will be careful from now on.”
“Good.” He ran his fingers through Kai’s hair. “I worry about you. I know that you have a lot of curiosity but don’t go too far with it. You never know what can happen.”
This wasn’t the time to tell his father about his plans. He needed more time. While he understood the warning, he wasn’t going to be kept from Callum. He would find some way to be with him. He would go closer to the shore when he needed to. He would get of the water and sit on the sand if it meant spending time with him.
It didn’t matter what anyone said. He and Callum were together now.
~ ~ ~
By middle of the afternoon, Callum left work to go see his psychiatrist and get a refill on all his medication. Originally, he planned to return to work but opted to take the time off. His heart wasn’t into doing the office work today. He needed to get everything sorted out. This time, he remembered to take his medicine in the morning but the gloominess was there. It felt like a cloud was over his head and any minute it would start raining on him. He also felt tired despite having slept well the night before. He wasn’t alert today.
“I hope you feel better tomorrow,” Dr. Campbell told him. “I’ve got meetings all afternoon but if you need anything, just leave me a message.”
Callum made his way to Dr. Yamamoto’s office and sat in the waiting room for about ten minutes before he was called back. Dr. Yamamoto had been his psychiatrist ever since Dani had been killed. He liked her for two reasons; 1) she prescribed medications that actually helped him and 2) she also listened to him talk. She wasn’t the kind to hand him a prescription and tell him that it would work. She wanted to know about him. She wanted to know how he was feeling. Even if her sessions went slightly over, she was willing to sit there and let him pour his feelings out. Callum felt bad for talking too much but she never stopped him. If he needed to vent, then she let him vent.
He made his way into her office and sat down on the couch. Dr. Yamamoto took out his file and flipped to their last visit. “If I recall correctly, you went on a trip recently. How was that?”
“It was all right. I got to see my family again but something else happened,” he began. “It’s something that I can’t really explain but it’s changed me.”
“Oh?” Dr. Yamamoto looked up. She didn’t need to prompt him; he would tell her everything.
“I found someone.” He went on. “And the truth is, I don’t know how I feel about any of it.”
“How does she feel about you?”
“Well, he seems more into me than I do into him.” He corrected her. “He really seems to like me.”
“Ah, I’m sorry for automatically assuming it was a woman. You never mentioned dating anyone before.”
“That’s because I never did. I know. A guy that’s my age would probably have dated a lot of people. Hell, he would be married with a family by now. After Dani died, I threw myself into becoming a marine biologist. I wanted to protect the world in every way that I could. I never really thought about having friends, let alone a lover. That doesn’t make me strange, does it?”
“Not at all. Some people like having relationships and others aren’t as interested. Not being in love or having a lover doesn’t make you strange. You just focus on other things.”
“Anyway, I went on vacation and I ran into him on the beach,” Callum went on. “At first, I was curious about him and we became fast friends. We even promised to stay in touch when I came back home. I heard back from him yesterday and it seems like...he’s fallen for me. He looks at me in a way no one else ever did. He even kissed me and I wasn’t sure how to react. I wasn’t mad at him. Only confused.”
“Have you told him that?”
“I don’t think he’ll understand. Unlike me, he’s pretty sheltered about the world. He doesn’t understand that no one everyone is for same-sex relationships. A lot of people wouldn’t like to see us together. They’d try to take us apart.”
“And have you told your family about it?”
“Only my brothers know. However, they don’t know how far it’s gone. They just know I’ve been seeing someone.” Callum was careful not to give the entire story. Nothing he told Dr. Yamamoto was a lie. Kai truly didn’t understand how some people perceived same-sex relationships. He thought everyone would be accepting of him. “I have no idea how our relationship can work. We’re in two different worlds.”
“It only feels that way because you don’t live close to each other. Do you follow each other on social media? That might help bridge the distance.”
Social media. Kai had no idea what the hell social media was. Callum had tried explaining it a few times. He had shown Kai his phone and pointed out all the apps that he had. He showed him Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and everything else he had. Kai was fascinated albeit a little confused by it all. He thought it was interesting that this was how Callum stayed in touch with people. It was a shame merfolk didn’t have the same things.
“Like I said, he was sheltered. He doesn’t really know how to work social media. We do talk though.” Callum said. “We talk everyday if we can. I think he’s fascinated with me. He’s fascinated with everything I do.”
“I can’t blame him. You have an interesting job.”
“I’ve been studying coral lately. While it’s important, it’s not exactly interesting. Still, he thinks what I do is amazing. He listens to everything I say. It’s really something.”
“I don’t see why that’s a problem.”
“I’m worried, Dr. Yamamoto. I told him a little bit about my depression but I don’t think he gets it. He doesn’t understand that I can’t just be happy sometimes. It’s not like I have a switch inside that I can flip on and off. No one can tell me to ‘be happy’ and expect it to work like that because it doesn’t.”
“Has he told you to do that?”
“No, but I’m afraid he’ll ask me more. He’ll see me sad one day and ask me why I’m not smiling. He’ll expect a better reason than I’m depressed.”
“Being depressed is a good reason. Have you told him that you take medication?”
“I did. I don’t think he got how it works though. I told him that it gives me a little boost and that sometimes helps me get through a day.” Callum put his head in his hands. “Oh, I don’t know what to do! I’ve never felt like this before! I’ve never had anyone care about me this way and it’s strange. I wonder what I did right to get this love.”
“I’m sure you’ve done a lot of good in your life. You care a great deal about the environment, right? You are trying to protect it, something most people don’t think to do. A lot of people see that as a good thing. Deep down, from what I can tell, you have a good heart. You are highly intelligent. It shouldn’t be too surprising someone would like you.”
“People say I’m not strong enough sometimes. I let things get to me. I fall apart when things get too tough. For a guy, I cry a lot. That’s not normal.”
“It’s okay to cry, Callum. It’s okay to feel emotions. If anything, that makes you human. Contrary to what you think, you are very strong. I think medication is helping you. You just need to see that you are worthy of love. Give this man a chance. Get to know him better. How do you feel about him?”
“I, um…” Callum blushed. “I really do like him and I want to see him again.”
�
�Then go see him again.”
Dr. Yamamoto gave him another prescription, which was sent to the drug store. All in all, she said that he seemed to be improving. She saw this as a good thing. Callum seemed more animated now, but the same old demons still haunted him. In addition to them, new demons were popping up. He just needed some more time to fight them.
She hoped that this new love, whoever he was, could bring the happiness Callum was desperate for. Maybe one day, he would finally be rid of everything haunting him.
Chapter 17
Kai didn’t get to talk to Callum much until two days later. When he did see him in the ocean, he was always busy with his work. He was still focusing on the coral and had noticed some changes. The ocean seemed more polluted than the last time he had been there. While no other mermaids had been caught in nets, there were a sea creatures and birds that were caught. When he found them, he was able to save them. Then there were the times when he was too late.
“I’m sorry.” He would apologize to Kai after they had buried a poor bird that had died. It had gotten caught in one of those plastic rings and had struggled to get out. Unfortunately, it ended up choking itself and was lying dead on the shore. “If I had known about this sooner...”
“Please don’t say anything. I know you would have saved it if you could,” Kai squeezed his arm. “No other human would have given this bird a proper burial like you did.”
“You know this has me thinking about something...how do mermaids die?” Callum asked. “I’m sorry to bring up a touchy topic but I was wondering about it. Do you have funerals like humans do?”
“Sometimes. Merfolk aren’t buried though. We become one with the sea,” Kai explained. “It’s like in that mermaid story you told me about. She turned into the sea foam. That’s what would happen with me too. Whether I die or sacrifice myself, I would turn to foam.”
“Wait, what do you mean by sacrifice yourself?”
“Sometimes, merfolk do that too. If something doesn’t turn out right in their life, they become sea foam. They have no choice but to sacrifice themselves. If they stay alive, they bring shame to their families. They are treated as outcasts. Even worse, they are banished from the sea. They are to live their lives out as nothing.”
Callum swallowed when he heard that. “That sounds like a worse fate than death.”
“It is.” Kai looked over at him and ran his hand down Callum’s arm. “You are still very sad. Is it because of the bird?”
“That’s part of it, but I’m dealing with a lot of things inside. It’s incredibly hard to talk about. I know you want me to be happy. I know you want to see me smile, but sometimes I can’t do it. I might smile on the outside but inside I’m falling apart. Forcing a smile is a lot harder than you think.”
“I don’t want to force you to do anything. However, I do want to see you happy. You have a beautiful smile. The few times I’ve seen it...” Those very words made Callum’s face break out into a grin and Kai poked the dimple on his left cheek. “See? That little hole in your face...”
“My dimple?” Callum touched it. “Sometimes, I forget it’s there.”
“Was I wrong to touch it?”
“No. Just don’t poke me too hard.”
“Are you ticklish there?”
“A little bit.” His smiled disappeared and he looked down at the sand. “I’m sorry I’m not a very good friend. You deserve someone so much better than me.”
“Why would you think that? I know you’re sad but you’re not horrible. You must stop thinking of yourself as unworthy.”
“I’ll try not to think that way, but no promises.”
As for Callum, he was trying to be happy. It wasn’t necessarily for his sake, but for Kai’s. Kai didn’t need to see him so gloomy and down. The poor merman just wanted his friend to be happy at all costs. Despite all the pressure from work and the pollution that was in the ocean now, Callum did what he could to see him every day. Even for a brief moment, it was enough.
One particular afternoon, while studying the coral and changes underwater, Kai approached him. None of Callum’s coworkers were nearby so their secret remained safe. He could tell that Callum was a little tired but he had to do one thing.
“You can’t say no to this.” He scolded him before Callum could react. “You are going to watch me dance and sing today. I practiced this just for you. I’m doing it now. All I ask is that you don’t take my picture. I want it between us. Is that okay?”
Callum nodded and gave him a thumbs up. Kai learned that this was a human’s way of saying everything was okay. When he got that signal, Kai began to dance. A merman’s dance was far different from that of a human. For one thing, he didn’t have legs so he relied entirely on his tail. He made the water move with that tail and it swirled around him. He also began to sing something in a language that Callum didn’t understand. As predicted, Kai had a wonderful voice. There was something so clear and sweet about it. Callum felt intoxicated at that moment. If he drowned at this moment, he would drown happy. The song was touching him down to the core. He also couldn’t pull away from the shape of Kai’s body. He could form patterns out of his body that people couldn’t make. He flipped around and twirled, laughing as the water swirled around him. Somehow, he was painting a picture and making music with his movements.
It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. Callum wanted to tell him. For Kai’s sake, he didn’t take a photo. It wasn’t like he could in the first place. He was so entranced that he forgot about everything else. He forgot that he was technically working. He needed to gather data and he just didn’t feel like it anymore.
So, this is what he wanted me to see. It’s almost like a mating dance.
To his surprise, Kai grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer. “Now dance with me.”
Callum shook his head and tried to convey the fact that he couldn’t dance. He was no dancer and he certainly couldn’t do it under water with a ton of diving equipment on. Kai wasn’t going to hear that. He took Callum by the arm and circled him around.
Careful! Callum wanted to warn him. I’m not as light as you are! You can’t toss me around like that! I could get hurt!
Kai seemed to understand what he was doing wrong and slowed down. “I’m sorry. I forget that you’re a human sometimes. You look so much like a merman that I have to remind myself that you aren’t one.”
Callum felt a headache coming on so he motioned that he needed to surface. He felt a little dizzy during the dance and needed to collect himself. Kai followed him up and he finally realized what had happened. He had hurt the human. Somehow, in the middle of the dance, he had worn him out.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean that...”
“No, I should have slowed you down sooner,” Callum apologized, looking up at the sky. His vision was fine. His heart was beating normally now. Even his breathing was fine. “You were breathtaking. I just didn’t expect you to pull me into a dance.”
“I should have asked you and I should have been gentle.” Kai looked down at Callum’s hands and realized that he was still holding them. “Would you like to dance with me now? I will be very careful this time.”
“I’m still wearing all my equipment.”
“We’ll move slowly. Like so.” Kai began to sway side-to-side, one hand on Callum’s side and the other in his palm. “Is that okay?”
“This works.” Callum whispered as Kai slowly turned him around. This time, he was careful not to jerk him. “For what it’s worth, your dance and song was beautiful. I was lost in it. What were you singing though? I couldn’t understand it.”
“I didn’t expect you too. It’s an old song from years ago. It’s about a human who fell in love with a mermaid. They always went to see each other every night.”
“Almost like us.”
“Yes, almost. Anyway, she would sing and dance for the human whenever he came around. The song lyrics are what I was singing. She basically told him she would be his until the day the ocean didn’
t touch the sand. He would then repeat those same words back to her. They did this up until the day they both died.”
“But they were never together, were they? They couldn’t be,” Callum pointed out. “He was a human bound to the land and she was a mermaid who belonged to the sea. How could they live together and be happy?”
“It didn’t matter. They loved each other. An ocean wouldn’t keep them apart,” Kai explained. “The entire point of the song is that they would be together no matter what. No one could stop them. Nothing could pull them away.”
“I guess,” Callum murmured, feeling Kai take his hands again. “I’ve been thinking about that a lot. You and I see each other so much. Sometimes, I can’t talk to you but you are there anyway. You watch me as I’m collecting samples or checking things out. Not even my coworkers enjoy watching me to do that. I’m so boring.”
“You could never be boring to me. You’re the only human I’ve managed to get close to. I can look into your eyes and I see the entire world.”
“That’s nice of you to say but that’s not true. I’ve got a lot of pain that I’m hiding.”
“You know what else is in the song?”
“What?”
Kai inched closer, hands tight on Callum’s waist and palm. Callum could feel Kai’s cold breath against his face and he closed his eyes. “There’s a part in the song about the heat of a human and the cold of a mermaid. Sometimes, it’s too much for the sides. The only time that a human and mermaid feel the equal warmth is when they kiss. You are warm for a human.”
“Really?”
Callum didn’t get the answer because he felt Kai’s lips against his. They were salty but cool and he felt like he was powerless. This was a kiss. This was the kiss that he had been hoping to get all his life. It wasn’t quick like the previous. It lingered and he could feel Kai licking his lips. It felt like Heaven and he wanted to float straight away. It wasn’t until water splashed against him that he snapped back into reality.