Redesigning Fate (Revive Series Book 1)

by A. M. Wilson

  The night air was brisk. Duluth is usually beginning to warm up around mid-May, but for some reason that night was exceptionally chilly as the breeze blew up from Lake Superior. A cigarette hung loosely between my lips as I puffed it in contemplation.

  I followed her out into that dark, cloudless night, but I didn’t let her see me. Not at first.

  It was the annual all night graduation party for the senior class. The high school allowed those who were on track to graduate to have one last big night out together before the end of the year. We still had a few more bonfires after that gig, but the administrators thought it was a way to keep us all safe.

  Safe is a subjective word.

  Safe to Lena and me is not the same as safe to our peers. What safe truly means to us is not Webster’s definition. We are not safe without each other. I can prove that to her.

  The music from the gymnasium drifted into the still night air while I watched Lena make her way across the street to the quiet soccer fields.

  I watched as she climbed onto the playground equipment. I watched as she took a minute to swing on the swing. I watched as she danced along the balance beam.

  I’d have given anything to know what she was thinking.

  Lena hoisted herself up the rope ladder and walked along the brown plank swinging bridge. She rested her arms against the metal barrier; her head fell into her hands.

  My heart clenched at the sight of her obvious distress. It twisted further as I saw her shoulders begin to shake. When the sound of her sobs reached my ears, the damn thing broke right in my chest.

  Before I had made up my mind, I extinguished my cig and followed. I crept quietly along the woodchips beneath the structure. I didn’t want her to see me, not yet. Not before I could explain myself. I cautiously climbed the metal stairs behind her, perching myself on the ledge.

  My new viewpoint gave me a much different angle, and from here, the dim light of a fading street lamp glinted off the metal object in her hand. Silently I hovered, observing as Lena opened the silver tin, the tears shining on her pale cheeks. I watched horrified as she scooped up some of the white powder, brought it to her nose, and breathed it in. I thought my muscles were going to give out as I watched her replicating the move again. Then, as if I’m some masochist, I silently watched her follow up with a third.

  As quietly as I could, I slid from my post and took a step towards her. I didn’t want her to know I caught her. That I so selfishly intruded on her private moment like Clair had intruded on me all those years ago.

  People like us, who use and abuse and hurt, we all have something in common. Whether it be from fear or anger or shame, we lash out in order to protect our privacy. I understood that. Nobody understood that, but I did.

  I didn’t want to destroy what Lena and I were meant to be.

  “Hey, what are you doing out here,” I called softly careful I kept my distance. I watched as Lena’s shoulder’s hunched, and she tucked the metal box back into her pocket. Anger sliced through my chest while she concealed her drug of choice. She shouldn’t have had to hide. I understood. I got her like nobody else ever could.

  “Hey, I-uh needed some fresh air.”

  “Want some company?”

  She turned her face towards me cautiously. I’m not even sure she knew who I was. “Sure.”

  I nodded, stepping up beside her and mocked her position against the rail. “I’m Travis.”

  “I know who you are.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Her eyes flashed to my face.

  “What’s there to talk about?”

  “Whatever is bothering you? Why you’re out here alone. Or we can skip all that. Talk about graduation plans or college. Or whatever boring topic you need to distract your mind.”

  “Who says I need a distraction?” She answered defiantly, ignoring all my questions.

  A smile played at the corner of my lips.

  She was beautiful. The glow of the light cascaded down her long wavy dark hair, tossing shadows along her flawless, tanned skin. Her eyes appeared like two black pools with endless depths of understanding and pain. As she looked at me, I knew she could see how alike we were. How our rotten pasts could bring us together to be something great and powerful. Two identical souls fated to be together—to save one another.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she breathed softly, as if she didn’t have the strength to deter me, as if she didn’t mind the companionship. “What are you doing out here?”

  “Looking for you.”

  Her eyes snapped to mine, searching my face with a mixture of shock and relief. “Why?”

  Why.

  I expected as much, but I didn’t have an answer. Any answer I conjured up would certainly terrify her; send her running when I wanted nothing more than to hold her tightly in my grasp. Initially her beauty drew me in—her eyes so like my mother’s, her soft pale skin, as porcelain as I remembered, but the similarities didn’t stop there. Lena carried herself with immeasurable strength masking some deep dark wound in such a way as I remembered my mother doing after her attack.

  Two vulnerable women hiding behind their courage, both tough as stone, and yet, where one crumbled beneath the weight of her burden, the other will not. Where I failed to protect my mother, I won’t fail Lena.

  “I wanted to talk to you.”

  She laughed a hollow sound. “Why would you want to talk to me?” she asked in disbelief.

  “Because I don’t want to miss my chance to know you before we all graduate and leave this place.” I tried not to grin at her sharp intake of breath.

  “My name’s Marlena.”

  “I know.”

  She nodded. “Have you been stalking me?”

  “No,” I laughed. “I’ve just seen you around.”

  “Right…while you were stalking me.”

  I laughed again. “If you want to call it stalking, go right ahead, but I swear I’ve only seen you in passing.” When she smiled in response, I swore my heart stopped in my chest. Silence enveloped us, so I tried to press her again. “Do you want to talk about what’s wrong?”

  Lena cleared her throat. “Um, well, my brother left today. He moved out and left me behind.” Her voice shook with a deep sadness I’d do anything permanently erase. She continued, “I had always hoped he’d wait and take me with him.”

  I could have pegged her for someone without a great home-life, but hearing her voice, it aloud guts me. Girls like her—beautiful, strong, intelligent girls—deserve the world, and I’d do anything to give it to her.

  “You don’t have to be alone.”

  “Right, because who’d ever want me?” She scoffed in a moment of weakness, her voice heavy with sarcasm.

  “I would,” I responded without hesitation. Lena shook her head sadly. “Marlena,” I stepped closer, placed my hands on her shoulders, and rubbed soothingly down her arms. “I want you.” Those words had the desired effect on her, and she practically crumbled into my arms. I pulled her closer yet and brought my forehead to hers until our lips almost touched. “Let me have you,” I whispered.

  Marlena nodded her head as a tear dripped down her cheek. I caught the rogue droplet with my thumb and brushed it away before I took her lips with my own. She tasted of strawberry lip-gloss and spearmint, and it was so fucking divine I never wanted to taste anything else. She kissed me back with surprising urgency, which I repaid in equal enthusiasm as I reveled in the fact that I was indeed saving her. The last thought I remembered having as we embraced on that jungle gym was this girl will fucking ruin me.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Carly and I are lounging on my couch, drinking a bottle of cheap wine, as I fill her in on all things surrounding Elias and myself. I know I put up a fight whenever she noses into my business, but in all honesty, I love it. She knows everything about me. Her invasive questions are nothing more than a strong indication of how much she cares about me, which is something I’ve been missing. Our busy schedul
es tend to pull us in opposite directions, but we always make time to fill each other in on our lives.

  Despite some of the rockiness that has been my life the past couple of weeks, life has been really good. As we approach June, I have been finding more steadiness in my life than I have in the past three years. Scratch that, probably in the past seventeen. Life before Travis wasn’t very great. I can’t blame only him for the colossal mess in my life. He found me messed up. In the end, he just contributed to it.

  Now, life is better than I could have ever dreamed.

  My job has been steadily progressing in the right direction. Michelle and I get along so well I almost wish she wasn’t my boss so we could be friends. However, we keep things professional, and I couldn’t ask for a better supervisor. We are on the same level when it comes to organization and our methods. I swell with pride when I think about where I came from, and where I am now. Five years ago, I would have never seen myself on the path I’m on today, and here I am with a full time job, making money, spending time with friends...

  And Elias.

  He’s been my rock through everything. After the detectives showed up at the law firm a few weeks ago, I haven’t seen or heard from them since. Travis has been thankfully absent from his stalking ways as of late also, and the amount of relief I feel is tangible.

  “So how’s the sex?” She asks shamelessly, lifting her glass to her plump shimmering lips.

  I snort and roll my eyes with a scowl. “I should have known that’d be your first question. Can I at least get through my first glass of wine?”

  “Baby doll, you know me. Girl time isn’t girl time without the sex talk. And since it’s been months since you’ve contributed to this conversation, I’m dying for details,” she retorts, shifting on the couch to straighten her gray yoga pants and pull her purple long sleeved tee down her torso.

  Shifting uncomfortably, I retort, “And you know me. I’m not one to share those details.”

  “Okay, fine,” she sighs. “I guess I’ll go first. You know Tommy, that DJ I saw last week?”

  “Mmhm,” I mutter with my lips wrapped around my glass. Here we go again.

  “Amazing. I’m telling you, so much better than I thought it’d be. He did this thing, right? He flipped me like, upside down. And then his cock—ˮ

  My hands slap against my ears so hard I make them ring. “Jesus, Carly! I don’t want to hear about his cock. Just this once, please, spare me. I’ve been listening to these stories for four years.” The smirk that graces her face is more than telling.

  “Are you going to share then? Because I’m more than happy to talk.” I give her the bird, and she laughs. “Just tell me if he’s any good. That’s all I want to know.”

  My eyes roll again, but I can’t help the grin that stretches across my face. “Have you seen him?” I giggle. “Yes he’s good. Now, drop it, okay? That’s all you’re getting from me.”

  Carly leans back, stretches her legs out onto the coffee table, and sighs. “Hmm. Yes, I can drop it. You’re right. I have seen him, and I have all the visual I need.”

  “You’re a pig,” I reply through a belly laugh.

  Carly flicks on the TV as I grab us another bottle of wine from the fridge. On my way back into the living room, a loud knock sounds on the door.

  “Who’s that?” Carly calls out from her perch on the couch where she’s channel surfing.

  “No clue. I’m not expecting anybody.”

  Setting the chilled bottle of wine down on the table in the foyer, I make my way over to the peephole. I stretch onto my tippy toes, but I can’t see anybody outside. Elias is supposed to be at Sinclair’s tonight. We agreed I’d be okay to come home and see Carly since I wouldn’t be alone. Plus, I needed to do laundry. Even though we haven’t had trouble for a while, I’ve still been staying with him. Part of me is afraid to voice the situation aloud. His home is comfortable, and I’m not ready to come back to my apartment yet. More truthfully, though, I don’t want to lose the connection we’ve built.

  Carly is here, and that is a huge comfort to me as I swing the heavy door inward. Had I been alone, I wouldn’t have opened it. My jaw drops in shock at the man standing on the sidewalk in front of my apartment, staring up at me with eyes full of regret.

  “DJ?” Shock fills my voice.

  “DJ?” Carly repeats incredulously.

  “Marlena,” he replies, quiet, despondent.

  How I manage not to faint, or freak the fuck out, I will never know. There before me stands the missing piece of myself I haven’t seen in four years. The last human being from my past I had hoped wouldn’t let me down. Who walked out and tore the last bits of functionality from the only family I ever had. Here stands my brother who I never thought I’d see ever again. Much to my dismay and disgust, he’s standing here, looking regretfully up at me, watching, waiting.

  “What do you want?” I manage to snarl in a notch above a whisper.

  “I’m here to talk to you. I have some things I need to say to you.”

  “I don’t want to talk to you. Why would you ever think I’d want to waste my time hearing what you have to say?” My hands clench and relax repeatedly, grabbing fistfuls of air at my sides.

  “Please. I need to apologize. Give you some closure that I’m sure you never had.”

  “You have no right to assume what I need or don’t need!” My blood boils at his assumption. He’s right. I’ve never had the closure I probably really need, but the fact he shows up here now that he’s ready to give it to me pisses me off more than I have ever felt. He abandoned me at a time in my life when I needed him most. He was my last hope, and as much as I try not to, if he hasn’t left, I wouldn’t have met Travis. None of this would be happening to me. He doesn’t deserve to explain himself on my time.

  “You’re right. I don’t. But I think it will help. The both of us.”

  If I had been alone, I would have slammed the door in his face. However, Carly is here, and once again, that comforts me, although I can’t help wishing in the back of my mind that it had been Elias here tonight.

  I turn towards the door, stepping back over the threshold. Cocking my head over my shoulder, I bark one command at him.

  “Come.”

  There’s no reason for me to turn around and lead him inside. I know he’ll follow. He is the one who invited himself here. Which reminds me of my first question. Grabbing the bottle of wine from the table, I head back into the living room where Carly is eavesdropping with rapt attention. Slipping back into my seat on the couch, I fill my empty glass of wine, sucking it down before filling it once again.

  “How did you find out where I live?” Yes. First question. I may or may not be trying to prolong the inevitable, hearing the painful details of his confession.

  He rubs his neck nervously as he stands awkwardly in my living room. He’s clean-shaven, the dark hair I also inherited buzzed short to his scalp. His clothes are new and clean as well. For some reason, I imagined him rough, dirty, and homeless in the rare moments I’d let my mind wonder about what he was doing. I tried to keep that part of my life locked up tightly, but there were times, when the alcohol was dry and I was cold and lonely inside, that my brain would take off and wonder what life could have been like if he’d waited for me. Where he went after he left. What did he make of himself the moment he walked out of that door? If I wished for anything in my entire life, it was that when he left, he found the happiness we both so desperately sought. I may be pissed, hurt, regretful, but deep down I know he was escaping the same painful past as me.

  Now, he looks at me with those chocolate brown hollow eyes before he speaks, “Our mother.”

  My hands cover my mouth as I gasp. “You saw mom? When?”

  “Earlier today. You need to understand, I have a lot of apologizing to do. I would have started with you, but I had no way to find you. I needed mom would point me in the right direction.”

  “Oh yeah, and what did you have to say to our dear m
other?” I ask, my voice venomous as I try to control the rage. How dare he show up here, to my home, to my safe haven?

  He scrubs his hand over his face. He needs to hurry it up, or I’m going to send him back out the door.

  “Mom and I haven’t talked once since I walked out four years ago. I knew what I was doing was so wrong—ˮ

  “You fucking think?” Outrage. Pure, blinding outrage is all I feel. My vision goes white for a moment as anger and alcohol rush through my system. He takes a hurried step back as a frightened look flashes across his face, his hands out with palms up in a gesture of surrender.

  “And I needed to remove myself from the situation to stop. I was going through some dark times back then, Marlena. I know you didn’t really grasp what was going on, but my life was dark. I had lost my job, and I spent my nights drunk, pissing away the money I had saved to get us out of there.”

  “That’s a poor excuse. You left me! Mom didn’t have it in her to crawl out of the despair she found when Dad left us, and you left me with her.” I’m insulted by the way he’s speaking to me. We had a plan, and at the last second, he ditched me like some unwanted burden. Just like our father.

  “I’m fucking sorry!” he yells, and the sudden power of his emotion stops me cold. My gaze lifts to find his, and the sight of his watery lashes causes goose bumps to race up my arms. God, he’s in pain. Just like me, he’s still in pain.

  “Marlena, I just came here to say I’m sorry. It took me four years to get to the point where I could face you again. I wanted you to know I’ve spent this entire time dragging myself out of rock bottom. And I can understand if you can’t forgive me, but I’m begging you to try.”

  I down my glass of wine, trying and failing to control my shaking hands. Carly reaches for my hand, and I grasp it, grateful for the lifeline I desperately need in this moment.

  “You need to leave,” I whisper hoarsely. My body is trembling, and I’m not sure how much more I can take.

  “Please—ˮ

  “No! You don’t get to stand here and beg me to listen to you apologize! Nothing you can say will change or fix what you did to me. I now know that you are still alive, and let me tell you I am thrilled you’re getting your shit together. Because despite everything, I still love you! However, I am done giving you a precious second of my life. If you want forgiveness, you’re going to have to give me time.” My voice is deadly calm.