by Alfie Kohn
working-with style of, 39–41, 44–45, 187
See also children; discipline; overparenting; permissiveness
Penn, Mark, 21–23
perfectionism, 62, 134
permissiveness
alleged pervasiveness of, 12–16, 18–25, 48
definitions of, 18–19
effects of, 32–34, 38, 47, 204–5n12
fear of, as reason for controlling style, 37, 65
historical condemnations of, 12–16
reasons for belief in pervasiveness of, 41–49
and subsequent political activism, 31–32, 179
vs. respect for children, 44–45
perseverance. See grit
political views, as related to parenting beliefs, 1–2, 3–4
positive reinforcement. See praise; rewards
poverty, child, 17, 129, 172, 229n76
Powers, John, 131, 132
praise
assumptions underlying, 80
as conditional approval, 106–7, 130
contrasting criticisms of, 105–7, 117
for ability vs. effort, 216n9
as form of control, 62, 63, 107
as parenting technique, 40, 62, 63, 190
and self-esteem, 121, 130, 136, 139
vs. feedback, 105
preparation. See BGUTI
Press, Eyal, 231n2
prosocial orientation, 186–87, 205n17. See also empathy
Protestant work ethic, 8, 157
psychological control
effects of, on child, 62–64, 154
vs. behavioral control, 62
vs. structure, 61–62
vs. working-with parenting, 39–40, 45
punishment
and assumptions about permissiveness, 23–24, 32, 44
effects of, 38, 41, 104
internal, 155
“lite” version of, 40
popularity of, 23–24
reasons for, 46–47, 87, 104–5, 141
See also spanking
Puritans, 18
questioning
failure to engage in, 117–18, 171–75
importance of, 178–83, 186–87
propensity for, by social class, 182
resistance to, 185
strategies for promoting, 187–93
rebelliousness, reflective, 178–93
recess, 103
religion, 166, 195n2
respect
confusion of, with obedience, 43
displayed by rebels, 178
for children, 31, 44, 44–45, 48, 189
for oneself, 135
for parents, 16, 43–44
retention in grade, 115–16
rewards
and conditionality, 103–7
internal, 155
and motivation, 78–81
reasons for using, 46–47, 141
and religion, 166
vs. awards, 81
See also praise
Rich, Adrienne, 11
Rogers, Carl, 135
Rosemond, John, 12
Rosenberg, Morris, 126
Roth, Guy, 137–38
Rothbaum, Fred, 227n53
Rothstein, Richard, 10
Rowling, J. K., 181
Ryan, Richard, 153–55
safety, children’s, 56–57
scarcity, 107–13, 130, 219n22
schools. See education
secure attachment, 55, 187, 205n17
self-centeredness. See egocentricity
self-confidence, 28, 63, 82, 92, 115, 130, 186–87
self-control. See self-discipline
Self-Determination Theory, 226n41
self discipline
and competition, 117
and conservative ideology, 165–68
and crime, 172
definition of, 142
depletion of, 156–57
as description of individual vs. situation, 168–71
excessive, 148–53
as explanation for academic difficulties, 170–71
political implications of, 171–75
relation of, to intelligence, 144–45, 145–46, 163
and religion, 166
as response to anxiety, 151–52
as skill vs. orientation, 148
and social class, 167
support for, 141–42, 148, 149, 165
unhealthy versions of, 153–57
as unnecessary for deferring gratification, 143
See also deferral of gratification
self-esteem
causes of conditional version of, 136–39
criticism of conditional version of, 103, 130–31
disparagement of, 120–21, 122, 125, 127, 129–32, 139
educational significance of, 123–24
effects of conditional version of, 131–35
levels of, by age, 201n58
levels of, now vs. then, 28–29
of parents, 58
and praise, 121, 130, 136, 139
and reaction to failure, 122–23, 132
school-based efforts to bolster, 119–20, 124–25
significance of, 122–24
stability or fragility of, 133
suspicion of high or “inflated” levels of, 125–30
self-handicapping, 96–97, 134
Seligman, Martin, 122, 139, 150, 158, 170
setting an example, 44, 191–92
sex differences. See gender differences
Shapiro, David, 152
Shaw, Robert, 37
Simon, Paul, 42
Sizer, Ted, 174
skills, limits of focusing on, 124, 188
Slater, Philip, 225n20
Slouka, Mark, 183
Smith, Will, 161–62
social activism, 31–32, 179, 189
social decline, perceptions of, 42
social psychology experiments, 169–70
Socrates, 16
spanking, 23, 33–34, 38
spelling, 162–63
Spock, Dr. Benjamin, 14–15
spoiled children
absence of evidence for fears about, 25–26, 30
divergent meanings of, 43
presumed reasons for, 33–34
warnings about, 3–6, 12–16, 93
standardized testing, 2–3, 87, 116, 128
Stipek, Deborah, 96
Strict Father vs. Nurturant Mother model, 1–2, 116–17, 165
time-outs, 23
Tough, Paul, 93, 149, 165–66, 172, 227n48
trophies, participation, 77–78, 83–84, 103, 109, 217n16
Twenge, Jean, 21, 26–31, 122, 125, 128, 130, 132, 201n56
unconditionality
of parenting, 39, 63, 92, 104, 106, 117, 136–37
of praise, 216–17n11
of self-esteem, 130, 132–36, 178
See also conditionality
valedictorians, 84–86
violence. See aggression
volunteering, 30
Watson, Marilyn, 55
Willingham, Daniel, 175
willpower. See deferral of gratification; self-discipline
Wolfe, Connie, 139
working-with parenting, 39–41, 44–45, 189–90
Wyden, Peter, 13
young adults, 5, 29–31, 67, 70–71, 90, 138. See also helicopter parenting; Millennials
Young-Bruehl, Elisabeth, 18