I didn’t take in the words he said past “far was never far enough.” Could he be telling me the truth? Did she want to go further than even he cared to go? My thoughts spun around and around as he ever so gently applied the healing salve that smelled of lavender and coconut.
I wondered if Luke had limits. Where did it all stop for him? I couldn’t fathom what Janice had wanted him to do, what he had refused to do. The graphic pictures on the website alluded to all sorts of debauchery.
The conversation about Janice left me somewhat relieved. I no longer worried as to what would happen to her. It had, however, unleashed in me a fierce curiosity. I needed to know the outside boundary I would face. I needed to know the outside boundary I could endure.
After Luke finished tending to me, he lay down beside me, also on his stomach, and faced me.
“You won’t have much ability to move around the next few days. Fortunately we aren’t leaving on our honeymoon for another week, so you will have a chance to heal.” He gently brushed my hair away from my eyes.
“Please tell me we aren’t going to a beach where the marks on my back will show.” I sighed at the thought.
“I’m taking you to Japan with me for work and pleasure.”
“Oh? I thought we were skipping the honeymoon.”
“Why did you think that?”
“Well, you only just mentioned it.”
He massaged my right ear as we talked. “You could’ve asked,” he said.
“You expect a lot from me. I should know when to ask and yet you hate answering.”
“What gives you the idea I hate answering interrogations?” he said, smiling.
“You always get mad when I ask you questions. How about that?” I countered, rolling my eyes.
“Depends on the questions, I guess, and I still owe you one.” He gave me a sly smile.
“That’s right, you do. And I have one.”
After we had first moved in together, Luke promised to answer five questions of mine. He let me save one of the five for future use.
“Fine, anything, I’ll answer.”
“Truly?”
“Hit me,” he said, taking a strand of my wavy brown hair and wrapping it around his finger.
“What did Janice want you to do that ended the relationship?”
“You had to ask that? Don’t you want to know something else?”
“Are you giving me more than one question?”
“No.”
“Then no. I asked what I want to know.”
“Fine,” he said. He sat up in bed. “It wasn’t one specific thing. It was her need to be punished all the time. There was no balance between making love and fucking. She would continually try to anger me so I would discipline her. I no longer enjoyed our relationship. We talked about it a couple of times but the truth was that we weren’t a good match. Not like you and me, who are meant to be together.”
“Wow.”
“Yes, wow.”
That day stayed indelibly marked in my memory as one of my best and worst. The beating I took at the hands of Janice, orchestrated by Marcello, and approved by Luke made it the worst in my life. But afterwards, as Luke cared for me, for the first time I felt married, connected to another person. I believed Luke when he said that he knew we were meant to be together. I no longer worried that he really wished he’d married Janice or any of the other women in the photo album. He chose me. He married me.
There were still two mysteries: the garter belt in one of his files and the blank spaces where photos had once been at the end of the album. I had stopped worrying that he would find out about my unsanctioned snooping in his office in our old apartment.
I don’t mean to imply I’m proud of the fact that I went through all Luke’s files and cabinets after he told me where to find the key to his office. But the phone kept ringing every hour and waking me throughout the night. Once I’d opened it, I couldn’t bring myself to lock the door again. I was desperate to know more about Luke and I let my curiosity lead me astray.
* * *
Luke pampered me as an apology for the wedding and the aftermath. He worked little and we made love in the gentlest of ways. We opened our wedding presents sporadically during that time. We received several serving platters and vases, which must be the go to gifts when someone doesn’t register. It never occurred to me to do so and Luke hadn’t mentioned it. Christian’s gift stood out amongst the rest—a multi-purpose device made of cloth and Velcro latches.
“What is this for?” I asked Luke, holding up the purple material.
“Must be one of items from Pandora’s Box. Looks like it could be used as a blindfold …” he said as he switched the folds of the material another way. “This is rather clever. You can use it for handcuffs or as wrapping device for restraints.”
“Oh,” I said, taking it back from him and writing the gift description next to Christian’s name for thank you cards.
“Make sure you pack this for Japan since we can’t try it out tonight,” he said and winked.
“Lie down on your stomach so I can look at your back. You seem to be healing up nicely,” he said as applied the salve that offered me so much relief.
A few days had passed and I felt ravenous for him. “I miss having you inside me,” I said, shifting onto my side to look into his eyes.
“As do I, love, but we leave shortly for Japan and I don’t want you uncomfortable on the plane.”
“Can you at least hold and kiss me? I can climb on top, so only the front of my body will be against you.” I pouted my lip in the way I knew he loved.
He chuckled and said, “Okay, you win, but don’t get used to it.”
Quickly disrobing, he lay down next to me on his back and helped me to maneuver on top of him. He couldn’t wrap his arms around me so he held my face as we began to softly kiss.
“You are so beautiful.” The love radiated from his eyes and his energy seemed to crackle around us. “I can’t wait to show you my life in Japan. I have an apartment in Tokyo and we’ll travel to other places as well.”
“I don’t have much experience traveling abroad. I can’t wait for you to show me everything.”
I wanted more of our kissing. Our passion ignited and I couldn’t help wriggling my hips against him as his cock grew beneath me. My juices had me sliding back and forth over his erection. I tilted my hips at an angle trying to work his member inside.
Luke laughed and said, “What are you doing, naughty girl?”
“What does it feel like? I would think you of all people would know what’s about to happen,” I said, caressing his cheek with my hand.
“Are you sassing me, my Jane?” he said with deep affection.
“You know it, my husband. Now please help me!”
He tilted his hips and slid home. The gentle lovemaking had me moaning out loud as he gripped my arms to slide me up and down on him. He continued the dance of his tongue and lips on my mouth, breathing me in, biting my lower lip ... The sweet friction of our sex coupled with his complete control over our pace left my clit rubbing back and forth over his pelvic bone, bringing me to searing orgasm just before he bellowed out his release. With his cock still embedded in me, I wrapped my arms up around his neck and fell asleep.
When I woke the next morning, he had already started his routine. Four days after my ordeal at the hands of Janice, I was able to run slowly on the asphalt by the beach. The short run didn’t feel great, but I needed to use my body. As I stretched gingerly, I reflected how I would never be able to run in just a sports bra again. The rings in my nipples were too obvious.
I think I put on two whole pounds over that time, thanks to Luke’s cooking and no running. I might still look back upon that time as golden … had it not been for what was brought to light soon after—the day before we were supposed to leave for Japan.
CHAPTER FIVE
“What’s this?” he said as he thundered into my room.
I looked up from my computer. “
Looks like a file to me,” I said in an even voice, even though my heart had dropped straight down into my stomach. Heat shot out to the surface of my skin and I felt as if my accelerated pulse could clearly be seen pounding in my throat.
“You’ve been in my files. The pictures in this file belong in another, Jane. Would you care to tell me how that happened?” The look on his face told me the discipline for that betrayal of trust would be impossibly high.
I didn’t know what to say. I thought of lying, but we both knew I’d done it.
“I wanted to tell you but I was scared you’d kick me out. I regretted it instantly. It was during those phone calls—”
“What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell me before we were married, Jane. You lied to me on the very day I proposed to you when you confessed you’d checked out my website. You had the opportunity to come clean then and yet—”
“I felt petrified you would take back your wedding proposal, and I couldn’t chance losing you.”
“But that’s exactly what you did with your lies and silence. I don’t want to hear any more excuses. I’m calling Marcello. Apparently he was right and I was wrong in regards to your need for further training.”
“Luke, no, please! You can use the spatula paddle on me. Please don’t send me to Marcello,” I said. I got down on my knees in front of him. I clutched the legs of his jeans and looked up. “I could never go there. Please, Luke.”
He leaned down, pinched my cheeks between his fingers and said, “When will you get that it’s not up to you?” Pushing me roughly away, he stormed out the door.
I lay on the floor in a state of shock, too terrified to cry or scream or even think. All that kept running through my mind was, It’s over, completely and totally over. We had been closer than ever to living in bliss. I would never willingly go to Marcello’s for an hour, let alone a weekend.
I had no idea how much time passed, but after a good long while Luke came back into my writing room.
“Get up off the floor,” he said, in a voice void of compassion. “Unpack your bags for Japan and pack an overnight bag.”
“Where am I going?” I said. I didn’t budge.
“You know where you’re going. Now get off the fucking floor.”
“I can’t go there, Luke, please don’t do this. Please let me explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain. You cannot be trusted. I will have to put a lock on my office door as well as my files. I’m doubting myself at this moment, and I hate anything or anyone who makes me doubt myself. I was sure you were the one and now I don’t know.”
His last statement released the flood of tears that had accumulated in the pit of my stomach and beneath the lump in my throat. He seized my arm with force and lifted me into the chair.
“Get yourself together and do what I say or get the fuck out.”
“Please, Luke!” I was wailing. “Please just listen to what I have to say. I’m different now. Things have changed radically between us. I’m no longer jealous. Please don’t push me away.”
His laugh was bitter and angry. I hoped I’d never hear anything like it again. “I pushed you away? I don’t think so.”
The tears still streamed down my face as I just sat there, staring at him. It was as if the Luke I had come to know no longer existed. I couldn’t feel our connection. His eyes appeared darker and I shivered in the chill of their harsh judgment. It was as if the devil had arrived to transport me to hell.
“Now, Jane,” he commanded. His contemptuous eyes dismissed me as he left the room.
I didn’t stir right away. I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t know if I could do it. I willed myself to rise and stagger the short distance between my writing room and the bedroom. I was like a prisoner on the way to the gas chamber. I ignored the suitcases packed for Japan and went to the closet. I gathered what I would need for a few days. I threw all of my toiletries into the bag and closed the door. For the first time I dressed in my running clothes while in the bedroom.
Back in my writing room, I loaded the computer into my backpack. I passed Luke’s office without looking in. Grabbing the keys off the counter in the kitchen, I left through the front door. After I loaded my heavy pack onto my back—wincing at the pain—I had no idea where to go. My mother’s place was out of the question, and I was too mortified at the thought of proving my friends right by running to them. Getting in touch with Scott crossed my mind, but Luke had forbidden me to have contact with him. In case there was any chance of reconciliation with Luke, I didn’t want to commit any other unforgivable acts.
I started toward the boardwalk where I usually ran. Halfway there I realized I had left my cellphone on the charger. I knew Luke would leave for Japan tomorrow. I could go back to the house then to get more of my things. For a while I paused, then shuffled back and forth trying to make up my mind. I was paralyzed with worry because Luke wouldn’t be able to contact me if he reconsidered sending me to Marcello’s. I thought of going back to the house, but my fear of Marcello and of Luke’s anger and disappointment kept me pressing forward.
Hiking the ten blocks to the usual spot where I began my runs, I went into one of the t-shirt shops to ask if they could keep my stuff behind the counter for a while. Then, dodging the crowds on the boardwalk, I ran until I was spent. I didn’t care who saw me and I didn’t care how much it hurt my healing back. Rather than dwelling on the enormity of what had just happened, I tried to formulate a plan for the immediate future. Where should I go?
When I finished stretching I trudged onto the sand, still at a loss what to do. I watched the waves for a while, hoping an answer might come to me, but none did.
I retrieved my things from the shop and headed up Dania Beach Boulevard. The stupidity of giving up my apartment and car hit me hard. For once I should have listened to my mother.
As I reached the corner of Griffin and US1, I saw Pandora’s Box on the left. Gingerly removing my pack, I sat on one of the parking stumps and stared at the shop and then at the motel across the street. I decided the shop was a possible solution. I stowed my stuff behind a bush around the wall of the building and held my breath as I rang the bell.
The buzz of the door unlocking gave me brief hope. I quickly grasped the handle and pushed my way in.
“Can I help you?” Christian said from behind the counter. Then he recognized me. As soon as we made eye contact, the tears streamed down my face.
“Jane, what is it?” he said. His long, skinny form glided out from behind the counter. The Alex Clare concert t-shirt and baggie shorts along with the scruffy hair on his chin gave him a skater boy look. A leather rope held his shoulder-length curly brown hair back from his face. I saw in his warm hazel eyes the compassion I needed.
“It’s over,” I said. I couldn’t manage to get anything else out.
Putting his arm around me, he led me to the back and said, “Talk to me.”
We passed through the back room where he had once fitted me with a large Tulip butt plug and into what looked like a living room. The room had a ’70s feel to it. The carpet was thick shag the color of brown mustard and the walls were covered with wood paneling. It reminded me of one of the apartments my father had lived in over the years.
In that moment I knew who I should call. I could stay with my father for a while. Unlike my mother, he would keep a cool head.
“Something just shifted for you,” Christian said.
“Oh it’s this room. It reminds me of a place my father once lived in. Plus I realized there is someone I could call.”
“Do you need a phone?”
“Yeah, that would be great.” I breathed a sigh of relief.
Christian left the room and I thanked my lucky stars for my ability to remember phone numbers in this day of cellphones and contact lists. My father had flitted in and out of my life since my mother divorced him over twenty years ago.
“Here,” he said, handing me a cordless telephone. “Please click over if another call co
mes in.” He left me alone.
I dialed the number in my head and waited as the phone rang. Please answer, please answer, I thought to myself.
“Hello?” my father said.
“Hi, Dad,” I said.
“Janey?” he said. His voice sounded so happy and jubilant.
“Yes, Daddy.”
“I didn’t think I would hear from you this time. It’s been awhile since I gave your mother my number.”
“Lots has been happening in my life lately. I’ve been meaning to call sooner—”
“Well, I’m very glad to be hearing from you now. When can I see you?”
“I’m happy you asked, Dad, because I was hoping I could stay with you for a couple of nights.” I paused. When he didn’t respond I continued, “I’m between places to live right now. It’s a long story but I need a place to crash for a couple of days while I make other arrangements.” I stood up and began pacing the room.
“What about your mother? Why not stay with her?”
“You of all people have to ask me that?”
“I’m too set in my ways to have anyone stay at my place, Janey, and there’s really not enough room for another person.”
“Jesus Christ, Dad! Is it too much to hope you could be there for me once in my life?” I collapsed back into the chair.
I faced in that moment the suffering that comes with being truly alone in the world. Beyond alone, because I felt unsure of how much of myself still remained.
“Jane, I am who I am and I’m not going to start apologizing for it now.”
“Don’t bother. Stop calling me or trying to get in touch with me, Dad. I’m no longer interested.” I ended the call without giving him a chance to respond.
I sensed death scraping at my door. I had brought on my current predicament myself. I honestly thought death would be a relief from my hopeless circumstances. I couldn’t see how Luke and I would reconcile. I would always be alone. No one would ever find me lovable for the long term.
My Body-His Marcello Page 5