I was frantic with terror. For the first time on this crazy journey I had embarked on, I knew the intent was to hurt me, to cause me undue bodily harm.
He struck me again and I screamed, “Oh god, no, please no, I’m sorry, so sorry, tell me what I did, I’ll make it up to you ... Please don’t.” I knew I shouldn’t speak but I couldn’t help it.
“Keep speaking and giving me reason to prolong this,” he said.
I no longer recognized his voice. I no longer recognized any facet of my life.
He used his instrument of destruction on my ass and thighs and I knew after the first strike that the healing required would far outweigh Janice’s first whipping. I thought of using the safe word but wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.
He struck me five times and then paused. Although I couldn’t see him in my bound position, it felt as if his arm hung suspended in the air. The silence was deafening as I waited for the next deliberately harsh strike. “Merda,” he breathed out and then abruptly left the room.
My breathing began to settle down but my anger festered until it grew to mountainous proportions. Would I ever be able to forgive Luke for sending me to Marcello? Could I forgive myself for who I’d become?
I heard the bedroom door open. My ankles were freed first and then I could see my rescuer as she came around the side of the bed. Janice untied my wrists and I collapsed on the floor by the foot of the bed. My lower body radiated pain.
I just lay there in a stupor, all the emotions trapped in my throat. I wanted to throw up my breakfast along with my recent life. I wanted to purge myself of all of it.
Janice sat down beside me and placed her arm around my shoulder. “It’s going to be all right,” she said.
“It’s never going to be all right. Never again.”
“I know it feels that way right now but this, too, shall pass.”
“I don’t even know what I did to anger him,” I said, raising my head to look at her.
“Here’s what I know,” Janice said, whispering. “He hadn’t planned to discipline you until tonight. When he told me to come and untie you he looked upset, even hurt. I’ve never seen him look that way. You have no idea what you did?”
“No, none at all.”
“Strange.”
“More like scary.”
“You need to get dressed,” she said and pointed to the bed where she had laid out a colorful sundress and open-toed sandals.
“I don’t want to go out.”
“You don’t have a choice Jane,” she said. “On the plus side, you’ve already suffered the worst of it. He won’t punish you again. I’m sure he’ll have to deal with the wrath of Luke once he sees you.”
“Does it look that bad?”
“Go see for yourself.” She held out her hand and helped me to my feet.
I doddered into the bathroom and examined the artwork on my ass. “What the hell did he use?” I asked Janice.
“A bamboo cane.”
My buttocks and upper thighs were red and bruised. Wherever the lines of the cane overlapped, it was already turning black and blue. “Jeez, bamboo is not your friend and I was worried about that damn spatula thing. How long will it take to heal?” I said as I emerged from the bathroom.
“Less time than it took you to heal from my whipping. This is a bit more internal than external. Oh the paddle with the holes in it can be rather enjoyable.”
“I don’t think I care to find out. I also don’t think I like pain in the same way you do. I certainly didn’t enjoy this.”
“You weren’t supposed to enjoy it. I don’t know what you did but clearly you hurt him and that’s a first that I’ve ever seen. You need to get dressed. He’s waiting on you. But first, I have something that will help.”
She fetched me a glass of water from the bathroom and put three pills in the palm of my hand.
“What is this?”
“Ibuprofen. It will make sitting more comfortable.”
“Can’t you go in my place?”
“Don’t be silly. Maybe he’ll try to make it up to you.”
“That would be impossible.”
I swallowed the pills.
* * *
We rode in silence to Marcello’s Ristorante. Sitting on my hip because of the discomfort of my abuse, I also angled myself away from him toward the window. I dreaded going into the restaurant and spending any more time with him. When we arrived, Marcello got out and I waited as he circled around to open my door. He took me by the arm, helping me up and leading me to the front of Marcello’s. I could tell that the employees had prior knowledge of our arrival. Several of them gave me knowing looks. I wondered if they remembered me from the whipping that Luke had administered in the back of the kitchen or if they were simply aware of Marcello’s proclivities and what my accompanying him might mean.
We were promptly led to a table for two in a section that remained closed to other lunch guests. My chair had an extra cushion on it and I wondered what the person who had placed it there knew. I gently lowered myself onto the seat. They served us sangria and garlic bread a moment later.
“Good service,” I said. I shook my head, angry at myself for breaking the silence. I quickly looked away.
“Only the best,” he said.
He reached across the table and tilted my head back toward him. I glanced in his direction, wondering what he wanted now. His touch and longing gaze broke through my anger. I was frustrated with myself for feeling anything for him. My body had chosen to cross back over the line.
“What do you want from me?” I finally said.
“You know what I want,” he said, putting his hand back in his lap.
“That you cannot have, not ever,” I said. I looked down and straightened the cloth napkin.
“Oh, but I will have you and sooner than you think.” He took a sip of his drink, never taking his eyes from mine.
“What is with all of you, projecting your desired outcome as if it’s a foregone conclusion?” I said in a harsh whisper. I placed my hands on the table beside my plate. “I … am … in … love … with Luke. I want to be with him, live with him, love him.”
“We just know him far better than you do, Jane. He doesn’t sustain relationships.”
“That doesn’t mean I will end up with you or Janice, or anyone else just merely because you will it. What could you possibly know about me that would make you want me so much anyway? Do I have ‘submissive’ tattooed on my forehead? Is that what makes you all so crazy to possess me? I don’t get it.” I put my hands back in my lap and looked down. I was weary of his penetrating gaze.
“Jane, look at me,” he said, his voice deep with feeling. “Now, please.”
I looked up to see a fierce expression on his face but couldn’t decipher its meaning.
“Just because you can’t see your own value doesn’t mean we can’t see it.”
I dropped my shoulders and sighed. “Marcello, you don’t know me. You can’t possibly, because I don’t even know myself anymore.”
“I can help you sort it out if you give me the chance. I truly don’t believe Luke can give you what you need. If I did, I would back off.”
We sat in silence as I watched him place a piece of garlic bread on his plate and pull off a chunk to eat. My anger toward Marcello still festered but I could also feel myself thawing. My anger at Luke, however, remained strong and fierce. I couldn’t help wonder what I had done to upset Marcello. As far as I could tell he had a steel constitution.
“What happened?” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“Are we going to play it like that or are you going to tell me?”
A waitress placed a plate of calamari and marinara sauce between us, interrupting the conversation.
Once she left the room and we were alone again I said, “So … are you going to tell me?”
“You said his name,” Marcello said and then looked away. He placed some calamari on his plate and spooned sauce over it
.
“Whose name?”
He looked back at me with a look that said guess.
“Luke?” I paused. “You must be mistaken; he was the furthest thing from my mind.”
“Furthest or closest, you said his name, clear as day.”
“Oh my god,” I said. “But … but why did that make you so angry?”
“You must not understand men or their egos very well.”
“Hmm. I’m sure I would be furious if Luke said ‘Janice’ while we were making love or even fucking so I get that part. But what am I to you that it should matter? Seems like an overly extreme response.”
“I’ll let you think on that yourself for a while.”
We ate in silence for a few minutes and then I said, “Do you really care about Janice?”
“Of course I do.”
“You confuse me to no end. I don’t understand you at all.”
“It takes time to truly know another person.”
“Yeah, and it helps if you know yourself, I guess.”
“Perfettamente. I know myself very well, Jane.”
“I assumed. I wasn’t talking about you, I was talking about me.”
“I don’t think your issue is not knowing yourself, it’s more about accepting what you have already figured out.”
“I can see why you chose Janice; you both think alike.”
“She chose me.”
“How do you mean?”
“She pursued this arrangement with me.”
“But she spent time with you when she was with Luke. Right?”
“Yes, so?”
“I just thought ...”
“You just thought I make a habit of acquiring Luke’s women.”
“Yeah, actually.”
“Janice came to me, pleaded with me. I’ve taken her on for a trial basis. So far it’s going well. I care for her … she cares for me.”
“Oh,” I said. “I have another question ...”
“Sure, go ahead,” Marcello said.
“What do you have on Luke? What is it between you two?”
He laughed. “I don’t have anything ‘on’ Luke, as you say. We go way back and I was a mentor of sorts. That’s all.”
“You are more forthcoming with answers.”
“I have nothing to hide and Luke just requires more time to get to know. He’s a good man, Jane, just not the man for you.”
“Why do you say such things?” I threw my hands in the air.
“Look, time will tell one way or the other but in the long run you will see that I am right.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well maybe not, but for now let’s at least enjoy this meal together.”
We sat in silence until the server placed our lunches in front of us.
“How did you learn to speak Italian?” I asked, taking another bite of the spinach manicotti.
“From my grandfather.”
“What was he like?”
Marcello wiped his mouth and said, “Both Nanno and Nanna were brave people. They fled Italy right after World War II and brought my father with them to this country. They struggled like so many others to make it in the states. They finally opened up an authentic Italian restaurant in New York and managed to make ends meet.”
“And your mother and father?”
“My mother is not nearly as scary as yours,” he said, and we both enjoyed a laughed together. “She is a wonderful woman who put up with my father far too long. She still lives in New York and I travel there regularly to see her.
“My father? He never seemed to find his place and at some point my grandfather cut him off completely. Nanno nevertheless took me under his wing and taught me everything about owning and running a restaurant and eventually a handful of them. My grandfather was a gentle man who ruled with an iron fist. I learned early on not to step out of line.”
“That’s very interesting. So, I guess discipline has always been a big part of your life,” I said, smiling. I reached for a piece of the garlic bread from the basket Marcello held out for me.
Although I had dreaded the lunch date, I ultimately found it enlightening. He gave me a tour of the restaurant and I could see he took great pride in his accomplishments.
We arrived back at the house late in the afternoon stuffed to the gills with wonderful pasta and parmesan. He brought me over to the couch and we sat close together. He cupped his hand behind my head and brought my mouth to his. His kiss opened me up and exposed me again to the vulnerability he had awakened within me. He rotated to face me and pulled my legs over his lap.
“Ow,” I said, my butt and legs speaking to me. The ibuprofen was wearing off.
“Is this going to be okay for you?”
“Um, maybe,” I said as I shifted uncomfortably.
We sat angled toward each other, just looking into each other’s eyes.
Marcello placed his hand underneath my hair and as he started massaging my neck, he said, “I never apologize for anything—I see it as asking permission after the fact—and I personally don’t believe in apologies from anyone else. We make choices and we live with the consequences of those choices. I do however believe in regret. And I do regret my reaction earlier today and what it has cost us both.”
“Hmm. I’m pretty sure the cost was greater for me than for you.”
“I do have a temper that those involved with me have to contend with.”
“That’s something for Janice to contend with, as I am out of your firing range after today.”
“For a time anyway,” he said. He lowered his mouth to mine again and carried me away to the place where my mind could not follow. I luxuriated in the expertise of his mouth and tongue. I journeyed to the place where he alone could take me, away from my jumbled thoughts and emotions.
We pulled apart and he hugged me to him.
“Luke called earlier and would like you home tonight.”
“Oh?” I said. I should’ve been jumping for joy but something in me dropped and the anxiety that had been kept at bay returned.
“I will see you again,” he said, taking my face in his hands and kissing me.
I left without saying goodbye to Janice and I felt a loss in leaving her as well. I wanted to be excited about going home, but so much remained for Luke and me to sort through.
CHAPTER NINE
I waited in Marcello’s room as he and Luke conferred in the living room. I anxiously paced, but only as fast as my abused body would allow, wondering what they could be discussing. I didn’t see Marcello again as we departed. Luke and I left the house together and drove home in silence.
I thought of everything I wanted to say and ask. I practiced the questions in my head. I wished I could write it all out, maybe even send Luke an email with my thoughts. Instead, as we entered the house, he spun me to face him and enfolded me in his arms. I breathed deeply into the hug, melting in his embrace.
“I missed you,” he whispered, nuzzling against my neck and taking in my smell.
“I missed you, too,” I said, resting my head on his chest.
We stood there for a while, just holding each other. Nervousness crept back in slowly once I let my mind wander back to everything that had happened at Marcello’s.
Finally Luke said, “So, how was it?”
How was I supposed to respond? What did he expect me to say? Oh, I had a grand ol’ time? My anger returned, and I pulled back from his embrace.
“How do you think it was?” I said. I went over to the couch by the window and carefully lowered myself down.
“Did he hurt you that badly? Let me see,” he said, coming toward me.
“Does it really matter? It’s done. I think we have more important things to talk about.”
“I want to hear about your time away,” he said.
“And I want answers to my questions.”
“What questions?” he said. He sat down next to me and bent his knee on the couch to face me.
“Like, how about what
you did with your time while I was away ... And how about a marriage you failed to mention?”
“Sounds like you spent a good amount of time with Marcello to get all that information.”
“Seems like that’s totally beside the point.”
“What is the point?”
“The point is simply that your standards for honesty for yourself are different than the ones you require of me. That’s the first point. Why didn’t you tell me you’d been married before?”
“Because, love, it was annulled the next day. I wasn’t in love. I personally don’t consider that I was ever married before I met you. You are my one and only wife.”
“And the garter? Was that from the wedding?”
Luke laughed. “Did you go through every file?”
“Yes.”
“No, the garter wasn’t from any wedding. It was a prop used in a series of pictures long ago.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it. My turn now.”
“I’m not finished—”
“You will get your chance. Tell me about your time away.”
“Pick a day.”
“Let’s start with the first.”
“Fine. I spent the entire day with Janice. We were finally fed at dinnertime.”
“That’s all you’re going to say?”
“What do you want to know?”
“All of it,” he said. He touched my shoulder and ran his hand down my arm until he grabbed my hand. “I really, really missed you.”
“I hope you did, but Marcello said you were busy.”
“We will get to that in a few minutes. Continue.”
I told him all that had happened with Janice, including her feelings for me.
“Interesting.”
“Interesting? That’s all you have to say?” I don’t know what I wanted him to say. Maybe I wanted him to be jealous or show some hint of emotion, but the news seemed to have no impact whatsoever.
“Let’s just say I’m more interested in what happened with Marcello.”
“Oh,” I said. That made me feel a little better but at the same time I was concerned that I might have to contend with real jealousy. “My turn.”
“Yes, I spent time with another woman.”
“Oh my god!” My heart crushed inside me. “Just leave me alone, okay? That was not even part of our agreement. You told me if I left my job you would have no need or interest in other women.” Could this really be happening to me? “I thought Marcello was mistaken but clearly he knows you better than I ever will.”
My Body-His Marcello Page 11