I felt crushed by the gravity of recent events but I had to pull myself together so I could get back to Luke. I was pretty certain Marcello would not help; I had to figure out how to make it happen on my own. But first my body needed to heal enough so I could make the trek back to the beach.
Pushing away from Marcello, I pulled up the sheet to cover my nakedness and dry my eyes.
“What can I do for you?” he asked. His eyes and voice were soft with compassion but I didn’t trust it.
“Fix things between Luke and me.” I said, crossing my arms over the sheet.
“Even if I wanted to—and honestly, I don’t think it would be the best thing for either of you—there is nothing I could do to change his mind. Once he makes a decision, it’s final.”
“You have no fathomable clue what’s best for me. Get out,” I said, pointing to the door.
“Jane, I know you’re hurting, which is to be expected, and that you blame me, but the truth is, I care deeply for you and I’m here to help when you are ready for it.”
I scrutinized his face and could see he believed what he had said. “I guess we all have our delusions. Don’t we?”
“I regret how things happened last night and my part in it. There is no delusion in that. I feel badly that you are hurting.” He rose from the bed and towered over me. “Please meet me in the dining room in fifteen minutes.”
Glaring up at him, I said, “I couldn’t possibly eat a thing.”
“Maybe not, but come anyway. Janice says you are interested in knowing more about Luke.”
“Are you baiting me?” I said, pulling my head back, wondering what kind of game he was playing.
“I see it as a win/win situation. Maybe you will take a few bites of food and get some of the information you want.”
“Fine,” I said as he left the room.
Extracting my laptop from my bag, I considered writing in my journal but decided to check my email again instead. Nothing. I felt discouraged by hadn’t yet given up hope.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Please …
Dearest Luke,
I had hoped to get an email back from you by now. I do so desperately need some reassurance from you. I feel like I’m losing my mind and it’s sometimes hard to tell between my fantasies, dreams and reality.
Both Marcello and Janice say you will never take me back, but I know that can’t be true. We can’t live without each other. We both know that.
Please come get me. I’d come to you on my own if I could, but my body is still healing. Please, love, I need to hear from you.
If you are still wanting space, please at least email me back. I need something to keep me going.
I love you, want you, and need you so much,
Jane
I swam in a pool of depression. Trying to get back to the surface, I opened my journal and wrote the three most important questions: Would Luke ever forgive me for staying at Marcello’s house? Will he take me back after the words I spoke? Could I be forever locked out of his life? The last thought made my breath catch in my throat and I slammed my computer shut.
Carefully making my way to the bathroom, I dry-heaved over the sink. My empty stomach saved me from really retching.
I rinsed my mouth and looked at myself in the mirror. My wavy brown hair was a dark, kinky mess and my right swollen cheekbone was tender to the touch. Having not the strength or the desire to shower, I retrieved a hair tie from my backpack along with a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.
Trudging toward the dining room, I passed two kitchen staff who stared at me wide-eyed. I sullenly tottered by and made my way to the far end of the table where Marcello waited.
“Where is Janice?” I said as I lowered myself in the chair to the right of him.
“She will not be joining us,” he said.
“Starving her again?” I said, hoping to get a rise out of him.
Ignoring my jab he said, “I assumed you’d prefer us to be alone. What can I offer you in the way of food? An egg? A glass of orange juice?”
“Orange juice. Thanks,” I said I didn’t really want to be nice but being a bitch exhausted me.
He waved over the woman standing by the door, who took two steps into the dining room. “Orange juice and water for Jane and coffee for me, please.”
“Aren’t you going to eat?” I asked.
“I will eat with Janice later,” he said, lightly smiling as though giving a retort to my earlier comment about starving her.
“So how long have you known Luke?” I asked. A frisson of excitement penetrated the wall of anxiety. I was about to learn something about Luke that might help me fix our marriage.
“A long time,” he said, fingering his mustache.
“How old was he when you met? Did you meet in New York?”
“He was just seventeen and struggling, and yes, it was when I still lived in New York,” he said. His eyes shifted as if he were recalling the past.
“How old were you?”
“Twenty-seven.”
“I didn’t realize that you are ten years older,” I said. Marcello certainly didn’t look fifty-five. “How did you meet?”
Our coffee and juice arrived, and he waited until the server left to answer. “We met at a party.”
“Seventeen and twenty-seven is a rather large gap for friendship don’t you think?” I took a small sip of the orange juice and washed it down with water.
“Never having had a brother, I took him under my wing. He got mixed up with the wrong sort of people so I let him live at my place until he could make his own way.”
Although pretty sure that I knew the answer, I said, “What kind of party?” I must have realized in that moment how he would respond, but I held my breath waiting.
“There is only so much I can share because this story involves other people—”
“You mean Luke—” I said.
He took a sip of his coffee and said, “Yes. I will not betray his confidence.”
“There must be more you can say,” I said. “So it was an S & M party? I am having a hard time seeing how you would strike up a conversation there.”
“I will say this: he was patently out of his element and I felt that some coercion might be involved.”
“So you rescued him? Is that why he is so loyal to you?”
“I’m not sure if it’s loyalty or respect, but we are like brothers. As with me, his parents were not there for him but I had my grandparents, and they gave me the parenting I needed.”
“I see.” For a moment I was lost in thought. I felt incredible sadness for Luke. He needs love as badly as I do. Why couldn’t two souls who so desperately needed a family and a connection make it work?
“I can see your wheels spinning, Jane. None of this information makes any difference. If anything you should see it as proof that he never ever goes back. I have known Luke for twenty-eight years and have seen him in many different relationships. Bella, I have to tell you, never before have I seen him strike a woman across her face and never before have I seen this volatile side of him. Please listen to me … You and Luke are a toxic mix. For the love of yourself you should find a new life … a new love.”
Lowering my head into my hands I said, “Marcello, you’re breaking my heart.”
“Jane ...” he said, his voice filled with angst.
I looked up at him with tears in my eyes.
He stood to embrace me but I said, “Please don’t.” I dragged myself back to my room.
Checking my phone, I found nothing from Luke. I had only one email in my inbox:
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender
Your e-mail is being returned to you because there was a problem with its delivery. The reason your mail is being returned to you is listed in the section labeled: “----- The delivery status notification errors --
---.”
----- The delivery status notification errors -----
I crawled under the covers, my heart racing, in full panic mode. He had blocked me? Anger began to surface, and then panic swamped me again. I could not wrap my mind around this new rejection. He had never even read my second email. My stomach roiled. I had to get back to Luke; I had to convince him we were meant to be.
Together we could heal our pasts.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“Jane, wake up. WAKE UP!” I opened my eyes to find Janice jostling my shoulder.
I touched my cheek, which was wet with tears.
“You were crying in your sleep,” she said, sitting next to me on the bed.
“Luke had died … and we were all at his funeral. They were lowering ...” I choked on a sob. Fresh tears spilled out as I managed to continue, “… the casket, and they asked us to throw dirt onto it.”
Janice gently hugged me and I relaxed against her. “Oh, how horrible,” she moaned.
I cried in her arms as if the dream was real. She let me exhaust myself and when the raggedy breathing stopped, she said, “No offense, but you stink.”
Her words made me laugh.
“Marcello left for the gym, but he asked me to check on you before I went to work. I have a few hours to kill. Let’s take a bath and we can talk about whatever you’d like.”
I shrugged. “I don’t much feel like moving,” I said.
“You can just sit there and I’ll clean you. Plus it will loosen you up. You must be sore from being strung up.”
I had to pass the time some way and maybe I could learn even more about Luke. I said, “Okay.”
“I thought you might say that,” she said, reaching out to help me off the bed.
She led me through her bedroom to her bathroom. The tub was already filled with lots of foamy bubbles. On a tray next to it was orange juice, fruit, and bagels.
“You have to eat if you want to heal,” she said. She undressed and stepped into the tub, holding her arms out to me.
“I think I can get in myself.”
Sitting down in the warm water I could finally smell myself in contrast to the fragrance of the bubbles. Eww, I thought.
Janice soaped up a washcloth and started cleaning the front of me.
“Have you ever been whipped this badly?” I asked.
“Sure, worse actually,” she said, holding up my arm to clean my pit. “You will be much better in a few days.”
“Did you like it? I mean you seem to be into the pain part way more than me.”
“I like it far more in the moment and less when I’m healing, if that makes any sense.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I said and paused. “You know,” I went on, “I’ve realized something about you and me.”
“Turn for me,” she said.
I complied.
“And what is that?” Janice asked. Instead of washing my back, she squeezed water over it.
“That although we both love Luke, I’m in love with ‘good’ Luke and you’re in love with ‘bad’ Luke.”
Janice dropped the washcloth and cracked up. “That has to be one of the funniest things I have ever heard—even more funny because it’s true.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle along with her. It hurt my back and chest to laugh and the laughter quickly dissolved into tears. I felt grateful to have my back to her. “Until Marcello interfered—and you didn’t help matters at all, I might add—I lived in bliss with ‘good’ Luke.”
“I understand how you might feel that way, but Luke and Marcello never stay away from each other for long. It was bound to happen eventually.”
“Not like this,” I insisted.
“Maybe not.”
“I do have a question for you,” I said, taking the washcloth from Janice and cleaning my lower body. I swiveled to face her again. I leaned back against the side of the tub but quickly shot back up from the sheer pain that flared in my back.
“Why don’t you eat something?” she said.
“Would you be hungry?”
“Probably not but I know you want to heal quickly so ...”
I took a sip of orange juice and ate a couple of grapes but soon regretted it; my stomach clenched in revolt.
“So what’s your question?”
“Do you have a death wish?” I asked. “Based on things Luke has said about you, it seems as if you keep pushing until you get a really extreme response.”
This had Janice laughing again. “What about you, Jane? What the hell did you do just before the party? Why did you rebuff Jack?”
“Luke could have warned me what to expect at the party.” My cheeks were steaming with anger.
“Come on, Jane, you know Luke better than that.”
“I wasn’t expecting it, so I reacted without thinking. It’s that simple. What about you?”
“ ‘Good’ Luke was fine, but I got bored when we fell into a rut. Dunk your head so I can wash your hair.”
“That rut you speak of ... that’s where I want to live forever.” I wet my hair and looked over my shoulder. “Do you know Carlie?”
“The redhead?”
“Yes.”
“Sure, we’ve been in pictures together. I noticed her shots are off the site. Did something happen?”
“She was rude to me before a shoot a few months back and Luke hasn’t used her again. I wonder if she tried to reach him after that. ”
“Like I’ve been trying to tell you, when Luke makes up his mind, it’s done.”
“Can you give it a rest, please?”
“Yeah, okay, sorry.” She switched on the handheld faucet and rinsed my hair.
“There is a spread of you on the website with all the men around you—”
“That’s definitely one of my favorites.”
“Was it all real?”
“You mean the needles through my nipples?”
“And all the men around you? Did they all—”
“For hours and hours ...”
“Was Luke one of the men?” I had to know. “I thought I saw him in the picture, but he had no scar.”
“Yes, Luke participated.”
“Then you know how he got the scar?” I asked, excited to finally find out.
She stared at me, her eyes clouded with pain, and said, “I won’t talk about that … I can’t talk about that.”
I can’t explain why, but the way she said it had my heart pounding and the panic returned. A hot flush of jealousy consumed me, catapulting me back to the day I first saw Luke’s website. Janice, the woman who had gone further with Luke than anyone else ... if she couldn’t get him back, how could I? I quickly shoved the thought out of my head; defeat was not an option.
Standing up, I reached for a towel off the rack. My stomach was queasy and my legs weak. After gingerly wrapping the towel around my body, I took a hand towel and dried my thick hair. Gripping the brush tightly in my right hand I told Janice, “Thanks.” Outwardly I was calm, but inside I struggled to keep it together.
Back in my room, I eased into bed, careful to shield my backside. I closed my eyes and practiced over and over again what I would say to convince Luke to take me back. I had to distract myself from the trepidation Janice’s words sparked in me. Then I fantasized about Luke and our reunion:
Janice drops me back at the beach house. She is still convinced he will not speak to me but I know better. Knocking on the door to my home, I can feel my pulse throbbing at my throat. Armed with the new information from his past, I feel confident and excited to see him again.
“Jane—” he starts. He looks sad but not angry.
Relief sweeps over me and I say, “Give me a chance, please? I want to work this out.”
He steps back from the door and lets me in.
“Let me make it up to you. Please, Luke. I think we
both have childhood hurts we can heal together. I love you more than life and I can’t go on without you.”
“What about Marcello?”
“Marcello is nothing to me,” I say.
“Have you behaved while you were gone?”
“I only thought of you.”
“You will have to be punished,” he says and takes my hand, leading me to the couch by the window that overlooks the pool.
Pulling off my clothes, I say, “I’ll do whatever it takes.”
As he drapes me over his lap, I recall the first night we met and the first spanking I received. I’m already wet in anticipation of what will come next.
He massages my ass before he administers my punishment. Feeling the rush of air that precedes the smack, I flinch in anticipation.
“Oh,” I groan after the first strike.
“You have been a very bad girl,” he says.
I nod my head in agreement, knowing I should not speak.
He spanks me nine more times, and I can feel the bulge of his erection.
I crave his cock, needing him to fill me. This is the ‘good’ Luke I want all to myself.
He tells me that the party was a huge mistake and that the life we had built together is all he needs.
I think of Marcello and Janice because I want to tell them how wrong they were about Luke. They don’t know him as I do.
My Body-His Marcello Page 16