Both Marcello and Janice ended their conversation and looked up when I entered the dining room. Clearly they had been talking about me.
The maroon table cloth was already set with our dinner.
“How are you feeling?” Janice asked, still in her black jeans and black long-sleeved button-down she wore to work. Her name tag was affixed to her shirt.
Like shit was the first thing that came to mind. Instead I said, “Hungry.”
“That’s a good sign,” Marcello said, scrutinizing me.
Hunger to see Luke again consumed me, but not hunger for food. I just knew I needed to eat something so I would have the energy to return to him.
“I thought a simple meal would be best. I had the staff prepare grilled chicken, quinoa, and broccoli.”
“That was considerate,” I managed to say.
“What would you like?” he asked, holding up the plate of chicken.
“A leg sounds good and some broccoli,” I said, handing over my plate to him.
Marcello placed a leg and a scoop of broccoli and quinoa on my plate. He served Janice as well. “So what are your plans?” he asked, after he had filled his dish.
My heart stopped beating for a second, when I thought he was onto me, but then I realized he was speaking generally. “When I can function again, I need to find a job.”
“Come work at Marcello’s until you get on your feet,” he said and then took another bite of food.
“I’m not cut out for restaurant work … I’m a klutz. Unless you want drinks and food spilled on your customers ...”
“There are other things you can do there, such as bookkeeping or assisting me,” he said, pointing his fork in my direction as he spoke.
“I’m not comfortable with you creating a job for me. I will see what I can find in my field.” Truth be told, I had no intention of looking for a job.
“You are free to stay here as long as you need to.”
“That’s very generous of you, but I will be moving very soon.” Sooner than you think, I thought.
“Well, I’m happy to hear you have started making plans.”
“So how was work?” I said to Janice to get the focus off of me.
“It was the usual. We had a great lunch rush and one guy left me a huge tip. I think he was hoping to get lucky.”
“They all hope they will get lucky,” Marcello said. “All the business men in their suits request her station. She makes a killing every day, don’t let her fool you.” He smiled over at Janice and it was the first time I saw real affection between them. I wonder if having a sad lamb in the house had brought them closer together.
The scene was torture. It didn’t feel like jealousy, which I had become accustomed to dealing with since being with Luke. It was something else entirely. Why should they be happy when they had essentially ruined my life?
In the moment, I’m ashamed to say, I fantasized about crushing up Janice’s sleeping pills and putting it in their drinks. Then I wouldn’t have to finish the dinner with them making googly eyes at each other; I could leave right away. Instead I had to wait for them both to go to bed. I resented the hell out of Janice and Marcello. They got to go on living as if the world was still a safe, normal place.
I finally got my reprieve and went back to my room to wait.
I wanted to journal, but the laptop was already outside with the rest of my belongings. The only things I’d kept with me were my cellphone and the hoodie jacket.
It was up to me, alone, to repair my life. I was convinced that Marcello and Janice had to be wrong about Luke. He just needed time. Now that he’d had a few days away from me, he would scoop me back up into his life.
Time crept ever so slowly. The food didn’t feel good in my stomach and I hoped it would settle before I left.
I fantasized on and off about Luke and our reunion. I had memorized what I wanted to say to him.
I kept waiting for Janice to return to her bedroom, but by midnight I had lost patience. Tying my jacket around my waist, I crept down the hall. As I had suspected, Janice’s room was empty. Tiptoeing farther down to the last bedroom, I saw that the door to Marcello’s room was cracked open.
I peered in to see if they were asleep and instead found them in the throes of kinky sex.
At the far end of the room, where the ceiling was lower, I saw Janice; she was hooded, but her voluptuous body was unmistakable. Each hand was cuffed separately to a wooden beam in the ceiling. Clamps gripped her nipples and a chain hung between them. She balanced on her toes, rocking, trying not to fall. A collar was fastened around her neck and attached to a chain that was stretched across and affixed to another beam. If she lowered herself too much, she would choke.
Marcello stood behind her, completely naked, his cock fully erect. I could hear what sounded like a vibrator and realized that it was lodged in Janice’s lower body.
“Oh, oh, oh,” moaned Janice, her hips gyrating uncontrollably.
I knew I should leave—it was the perfect time—but I was riveted.
Marcello ran his hands all over her body and circled around to the front of Janice. He pulled on the chain between her breasts, making her cry out, “Harder.”
He slapped her across the face and said in a harsh voice, “Shut up, bitch, or I’ll gag you.”
Her body language told me she loved the abuse.
“Listen to what I have here,” Marcello growled and waved a violet wand that was plugged into the wall.
The next thing I heard was a crackling sound. I was too curious about its source to drag myself away. Luke owned nothing like the purple elongated tube that tapered with what looked like a narrow glass bulb at the end.
He zapped her left breast first, and I realized that the apparatus fired an electrical jolt. Her body convulsed and she struggled to regain her balance.
My nipples got hard as I watched.
“I’m making it stronger, you dirty whore, and you are going to take it,” he said, stalking to the other side of her. He zapped her on her right tit, making her whole body bounce in response.
“Ugggh,” she said. I thought for sure she would lose her footing, but she managed to quickly regain control.
Then he did something that made me nauseous and scared.
Marcello prowled closer. While he pulled down on the chain, causing Janice’s nipples to stretch, he zapped her clit with the device.
Janice passed out, hanging from her restraints.
Marcello slapped her face again to bring her back around and said, “Slut, I’m not done with you yet.”
I had finally seen enough. Thoroughly disgusted, I tracked back down the long hallway, making sure to close the door to the room where I had stayed.
I left the house unseen and unheard.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Quickly shutting the door behind me, I stepped to the side of the house, triggering a motion sensor light. Stifling a yelp, I snatched up my backpack and ran for all I was worth through the front gate, leaving it open. After a few blocks, I stopped to catch my breath. Looking over my shoulder, I felt certain that no one followed me. I swung my pack onto my back; the straps dug into my shoulders, making me wince.
Never before had I trekked from Marcello’s to Luke’s or vice versa. However, South Florida was laid out in a simple grid so it was easy enough to head east to get back to the coast and north to our house.
In our hasty departure after the “party”, neither Janice nor I had packed my iPod. Wishing I had music to soothe the nervous bubbling in my stomach, I sang to myself. It never occurred to me to be worried about being out so late alone. Hollywood wasn’t the worst for crime in the area but it was far from safe.
I wouldn’t let myself think of what might happen once I saw Luke again. No longer able to sustain a positive fantasy, I started to feel scared and panicky.
My mind traveled back to the scene I’d witnessed between Marcello and Janice. Did she really like being zapped by that thing? I mean I understood that she
liked pain way more than me, but still ... I felt like Alice falling through the rabbit hole. I no longer recognized my world.
Halfway home, I had to take my bag off my aching back and hold it by the handle, switching hands frequently. Once I made it to the coast, I sat down on the beach to rest. The moon illuminated the waves crashing on the beach. The colorful lights of the casino cruise ships and trawlers lit up the horizon as they made their way north.
I dozed for a bit, waking when a yacht blared its air horn. I looked around to make sense of my surroundings. Coming back to my chilling reality, I trudged down the beach toward our house. I hoped that Luke had come to his senses and we could repair the damage to our marriage. I still thought something worth saving existed. Although numb and filled with dread, I was highly motivated to be back in his good graces.
If I had kept my own place, right now I’d be curled up in a ball in the middle of my bed hoping to never go anywhere again. I no longer had that luxury. Luke had created the full dependency he had so desired and would have to take me back.
I kept a steady pace, trying to ignore the pain in my shoulders and legs.
I climbed the steps to the rear of the house and dropped my bag next to the stairs. Although this was my home, too, I had never felt that it was equally mine, and now I might as well have been imposing on a stranger.
The French doors were bolted. We never kept any of the doors locked unless we left the house so he clearly meant to keep me out. I ambled around to the front and found his car in the driveway. The entrance door was locked as well. Ringing the doorbell to my own home, I stood and waited. Nothing happened so I rang again, this time holding the button down longer. I pressed my ear to the door to see if I could hear anything.
I knew he might be sleeping but I thought he would hear the bell. Hobbling around back, I hauled my stuff closer to the house. I lay down on our chaise and covered myself with the hoodie. No rest found me; my future hung in the balance. What hope was there if he refused to even open the door? My stomach churned as I considered that possibility. I’m not sure how long I lay there waiting, waiting for my life to begin again or end.
Like the vast time spans that we call ages—the Stone or Ice Ages or even now the Technological Age—I have a term for that brief yet seemingly endless span of time: my Age of Wait.
As she lay on the lounge chair, we can see she has entered the Age of Wait. The outcome is still undetermined; though it’s clear her mind is no longer intact. We all wonder what she will do next ...
Any other day I would’ve found my own ruminations humorous but on that day humor failed me.
“What are you doing here?” Luke’s booming voice startled me out of my reverie as the sun came up on the horizon.
“I rang the bell but you didn’t answer,” I said, squirming to sit up.
“I told you, Janice can get your stuff or Parker. Either one.”
“I came to talk to you; I don’t care about my things. Luke please, let’s fix this. We are meant to be together.”
“I will say this once and only once: I warned you from the beginning that if you used the safe word we would be done.”
“But I had to get you to stop. This wasn’t a discipline situation, it was something extremely different.”
“We certainly agree on that.” Luke started pacing. “You totally disrespected me in front of our guests and I could never ever forgive you for that,” he said. He refused to make eye contact with me although I observed his every move. “We’re done. I’ve said all I’m going to say to you.” He gestured firmly toward the beach. “Leave, or I’ll call the police.”
He did look at me then, but I didn’t recognize him at all. The man I had grown to love was gone and in his place was a serious and stern-looking man, older, sadder, and wearier.
“Call the police? Luke, this is my only home. Where will I go?”
“That’s no longer any of my concern. Grab your bag and get out.”
“Wait ...” I said, but I didn’t get up and I didn’t chase after him. Instead I just sat there, frozen. Now that he had made himself absolutely clear, I realized I had no plan, no plan at all.
A bird landed next to me, bringing me back to the world. I couldn’t just stay there forever, waiting for the sky to fall and the world to end. I couldn’t go back to Christian’s or Marcello’s. My mother’s place … also out of the question. I felt trapped in suspended animation and my tormented body hurt from my long journey over to my house ... a place I could no longer enter.
I heard a siren in the distance and thought it might be for me. That got me moving. I grabbed my belongings and headed back out to the beach. I shuffled slowly, dragging my heavy bag. Every time I tried to formulate a plan my anxiety level sky rocketed. I thought of Scott, who lived the closest, but how would Luke ever forgive me for staying in his apartment? I briefly thought of calling Parker and having her come get me. One simple factor stopped me: I could only call Parker if I never planned to go back to Luke. If I explained to her my current predicament, I could never expect her support. I loved Parker too much to put her or me in that situation.
As I dragged myself along, I waited for some divine inspiration that never came. My mind began to wander through the course of our relationship. I thought of the first time I met Luke and speculated about the party house—the huge mansion where we’d met. Would there be people living there now?
I knew what I had to do. Circling in the other direction, I headed to Dania Beach Boulevard. I tramped from the beach to US1 and rang the shop door. Christian opened it and stared down at me, annoyed at being awakened.
I looked at him and said nothing.
“It was bound to end at some point,” he said, shrugging his shoulders and moving aside for me to pass.
“Why do you have to say things like that?” I said, feeling the anger surge in me as I crossed the threshold.
“I call it like I see it. Needing a place to stay again?” he said a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
“Um, no, well yes, but not here, thanks.”
“So then, pray tell, what can I do for you?” He took a seat on the stool behind the counter shaking out his bed-slept hair.
“Do you know of any parties coming up at the house?”
“The house?” he said, leaning over the counter and resting his chin on his hand.
“The one I mentioned … where Luke and I first met?” I got the feeling that he enjoyed stretching out the conversation, because he knew good and well the place I was talking about.
“Ahhhh, we call it ‘The Swingers’ Den.’ Yes, they are having a party in a few days. Friday, I believe. Why?”
“Do you happen to have the address?”
“I could take you there on Friday if you’d like,” he said, sitting up straight.
“Oh that won’t be necessary, but thanks,” I said. Going with him was out of the question.
“How will you get there?”
“I haven’t figured that part out yet. How far away do you think it is?”
“Too far to walk. Listen Jane ...” he said, standing.
“Well, I’ll figure something out,” I said quickly.
“If you change your mind ...”
“No thanks,” I said as I headed back toward the door. It would be a challenge to find a way there, but I knew I would succeed. I had to have answers to some of the questions I still had about the house, and I’d do anything to be closer to Luke—even if only in my mind.
Now I had to figure out what to do with myself until Friday. There was less than a week until Allison’s wedding and I would have to have someone get my dress from Luke’s house. Luke’s house … how quickly everything had changed. I had no intention of looking for a job. In my delusional state, I believed I would be living back at Luke’s house in short order.
I stood outside of Pandora’s Box trying to decide what to do next. I crossed the street to the dive motel above Pirate’s Bay bar. That seemed like the simplest solution. My pride kept
me from phoning any of my friends. I still had a credit card and planned to use it.
The room was poorly maintained but cleaner than anticipated. The burnt-orange bedspread and curtains were old but the boat paintings on the walls had been dusted and the end tables wiped clean. I gratefully divested myself of my backpack and collapsed on the bed. Not bothering to remove the bedspread, I folded it over myself and left the awakened world.
I dreamt of our wedding, but this time I showed up clothed in the dress I had once seen in a magazine. As I marched down the aisle in my ivory gown, heading toward Luke, he morphed into Brian.
“No!” I screamed. I ran toward Brian to shake him back into Luke but once I reached him, he opened his arms and became Luke again. He embraced me, absorbing me into him. I no longer existed and felt nothing.
I don’t know how much longer I slept but by the time I awoke, the sun was no longer shining. I used the toilet, still in my sweats and t-shirt. I threw on the hoodie and snapped up my room key as I headed out the door. I knew where I was going but I wouldn’t let myself think about it. I headed back up Dania Beach Boulevard toward the beach. Instead of walking on the sand by the shore, I stayed on the streets, weaving my way back to our home. I had no plan and knew I was more than a little obsessed. But I couldn’t stay away even if I wanted to. It took me about forty minutes to reach the house. Seeing that the lights were on, I told myself that a mere glimpse of him would be enough to tide me over until the next day.
Circling around—moving slowly and as quietly as possible—I passed the front door. The outside lights were thankfully off. I inched my way around the side to the back, peering through the French doors. I could see Luke and Marcello. That took me by surprise. They seemed to be in the throes of an argument. Luke paced and threw up his arms. I imagined that Marcello was trying to talk some sense into him. I realized for perhaps the first time that I had strong feelings for both men as they continued to act out their silent play.
I wanted to put my ear up to the door but knew I would be risking exposure. Luke stopped in front of Marcello, whose back was to me, and jerked his arms abruptly down, palms facing out. He seemed to be shooting an angry question at Marcello, who shrugged his shoulders in response.
My Body-His Marcello Page 18