by Gene Wolfe
Page 11
"That will do for me," Roche said. "Now we must find something for my friend here. " The dark girl, who had not danced as the other had, but had only stood, smiling very slightly, curtsying and turning in the center of the room, now permitted her smile to widen a trifle, went to Roche, seated herself on the arm of his chair, and began whispering to him.
As the door opened a third time, our host said, "The Chatelaine Thecla. " It seemed really she, just as I had remembered her - how she had escaped I could not guess. In the end it was reason rather than observation that told me I was mistaken. What differences I could have detected with the two standing side by side I cannot say, though certainly this woman was somewhat shorter.
"It is she you wish, then," our host said. I could not recall speaking. Roche stepped forward with a leather purse, announcing that he would pay for both of us. I watched the coins as he drew them out, waiting to see the gleam of a chrisos. It was not there - there were only a few asimi.
The "Chatelaine Thecla" touched my hand. The scent she wore was stronger than the faint perfume of the real Thecla; still it was the same scent, making me think of a rose burning. "Come," she said.
I followed her. There was a corridor, dimly lit and not clean, then a narrow stair. I asked how many of the court were here, and she paused, looking down at me obliquely. Something there was in her face that might have been vanity satisfied, love, or that more obscure emotion we feel when what had been a contest becomes a performance. "Tonight, very few. Because of the snow. I came in a sleigh with Gracia. "
I nodded. I thought I knew well enough that she had come only from one of the mean lanes about the house in which we were that night, and most likely on foot, with a shawl over her hair and the cold striking through old shoes. Yet what she said I found more meaningful than reality: I could sense the sweating destriers leaping through the falling snow faster than any machine, the whistling wind, the young, beautiful, jaded women bundled inside in sable and lynx, dark against red velvet cushions.
"Arent you coming?"
She had already reached the top of the stair, nearly out of sight. Someone spoke to her, calling her "my dearest sister," and when I had gone up a few steps more I saw it was a woman very like the one who had been with Vodalus, she of the heart-shaped face and black hood. This woman paid no heed to me, and as soon as I gave her room to do so hurried down the stair.
"You see now what you might have had if youd only waited for one more to come out. " A smile I had learned to know elsewhere lurked at one corner of my paphians mouth.
"I would have chosen you still. "
"Now that is truly amusing - come on, come with me, you dont want to stand in this drafty hall forever. You kept a perfectly straight face, but your eyes rolled like a calfs. Shes pretty, isnt she. " The woman who looked like Thecla opened a door, and we were in a tiny bedroom with an immense bed. A cold thurible hung from the ceiling by a silver-gilt chain; a lampstand supporting a pink-tinted light stood in one corner. There was a tiny dressing table with a mirror, a narrow wardrobe, and hardly room enough for us to move.
"Would you like to undress me?"
I nodded and reached for her.
"Then I warn you, you must be careful of my clothes. " She turned away from me. "This fastens at the back. Begin at the top, at the back of my neck. If you get excited and tear something, hell make you pay for it - dont say you havent been told. "
My fingers found a tiny catch and loosed it. "I would think, Chatelaine Thecla, that you would have plenty of clothes. "
"I do. But do you think I want to return to the House Absolute in a torn gown?"
"You must have others here. "
"A few, but I cant keep much in this place. Someone takes things when Im gone. "
The stuff between my fingers, which had looked so bright and rich in the colonnaded blue room below, was thin and cheap. "No satins, I suppose," I said as I unfastened the next catch. "No sables and no diamonds. "
"Of course not. "
I took a step away from her. (It brought my back almost to the door. ) There was nothing of Thecla about her. All that had been a chance resemblance, some gestures, a similarity in dress. I was standing in a small, cold room looking at the neck and bare shoulders of some poor young woman whose parents, perhaps, accepted their share of Roches meager silver gratefully and pretended not to know where their daughter went at night.
"You are not the Chatelaine Thecla," I said. "What am I doing here with you?" There was surely more in my voice than I had intended. She turned to face me, the thin cloth of her gown sliding away from her breasts. I saw fear flicker across her face as though directed by a mirror; she must have been in this situation before, and it must have turned out badly for her.
"I am Thecla," she said. "If you want me to be. " I raised my hand and she added quickly, "There are people here to protect me. All I have to do is scream. You may hit me once, but you wont hit me twice. "
"No," I told her.
"Yes there are. Three men. "
"There is no one. This whole floor is empty and cold - dont you think Ive noticed how quiet it is? Roche and his girl stayed below, and perhaps got a better room there because he paid. The woman we saw at the top of the stair was leaving and wanted to speak to you first. Look. " I took her by the waist and lifted her into the air. "Scream. No one will come. " She was silent. I dropped her on the bed, and after a moment sat down beside her.
"You are angry because Im not Thecla. But I would have been Thecla for you. I will be still. " She slipped the strange coat from my shoulders and let it fall.
"Youre very strong. "
"No Im not. " I knew that some of the boys who were afraid of me were already stronger than I.
"Very strong. Arent you strong enough to master reality, even for a little while?"
"What do you mean?"
"Weak people believe what is forced on them. Strong people what they wish to believe, forcing that to be real. What is the Autarch but a man who believes himself Autarch and makes others believe by the strength of it?"
"You are not the Chatelaine Thecla," I told her. "But dont you see, neither is she. The Chatelaine Thecla, whom I doubt youve ever laid eyes on - No, I see Im wrong. Have you been to the House Absolute?"
Her hands, small and warm, were on my own right hand, pressing. I shook my head. "Sometimes clients say they have. I always find pleasure in hearing them. "
"Have they been? Really?"
She shrugged. "I was saying that the Chatelaine Thecla is not the Chatelaine Thecla. Not the Chatelaine Thecla of your mind, which is the only Chatelaine Thecla you care about. Neither am I. What, then, is the difference between us?"
"None, I suppose. "
While I was undressing I said, "Nevertheless, we all seek to discover what is real. Why is it? Perhaps we are drawn to the theocenter. Thats what the hierophants say, that only that is true. "
She kissed my thighs, knowing she had won. "Are you really ready to find it? You must be clothed in favor, remember. Otherwise you will be given over to the torturers. You wouldnt like that. "
"No," I said, and took her head between my hands.
Chapter 10
THE LAST YEAR
I think it was Master Gurloess intention that I should be brought to that house often, so I would not become too much attracted to Thecla. In actuality I permitted Roche to pocket the money and never went there again. The pain had been too pleasurable, the pleasure too painful; so that I feared that in time my mind would no longer be the thing I knew.
Then too, before Roche and I had left the house, the white-haired man (catching my eye) had drawn from the bosom of his robe what I had at first thought was an icon but soon saw to be a golden vial in the shape of a phallus. He had smiled, and because there had been nothing but friendship in his smile it had frightened me.
Some days passed before I could rid my thoughts of Thecla of certain impressions belonging to the false Thecl
a who had initiated me into the anacreontic diversions and fruitions of men and women. Possibly this had an effect opposite to that Master Gurloes intended, but I do not think so. I believe I was never less inclined to love the unfortunate woman than when I carried in my memory the recent impressions of having enjoyed her freely; it was as I saw it more and more clearly for the untruth it was that I felt myself drawn to redress the fact, and drawn through her (though I was hardly conscious of it at the time) to the world of ancient knowledge and privilege she represented.
The books I had carried to her became my university, she my oracle. I am not an educated man - from Master Palaemon I learned little more than to read, write, and cipher, with a few facts concerning the physical world and the requisites of our mystery. If educated men have sometimes thought me, if not their equal, at least one whose company did not shame them, that is owing solely to Thecla: the Thecla I remember, the Thecla who lives in me, and the four books.
What we read together and what we said of it to one another, I shall not tell; to recount the least of it would wear out this brief night. All that winter while snow whitened the Old Yard, I came up from the oubliette as if from sleep, and started to see the tracks my feet left behind me and my shadow on the snow. Thecla was sad that winter, yet she delighted in talking to me of the secrets of the past, of the conjectures formed of higher spheres, and of the arms and histories of heroes millennia dead.
Spring came, and with it the purple-striped and white-dotted lilies of the necropolis. I carried them to her, and she said my beard had shot up like them, and I should be bluer of cheek than the run of common men, and the next day begged my pardon for it, saying I was that already. With the warm weather and (I think) the blossoms I brought, her spirits lifted. When we traced the insignia of old houses, she talked of friends of her own station and the marriages they had made, good and bad, and how such and such a one had exchanged her future for a ruined stronghold because she had seen it in a dream; and how another, who had played at dolls with her when they were children, was the mistress now of so many thousands of leagues. "And there must be a new Autarch and perhaps an Autarchia sometime, you know, Severian. Things can go on as they have for a long while. But not forever. "
"I know little of the court, Chatelaine. "
"The less you know, the happier you will be. " She paused, white teeth nibbling her delicately curved lower lip. "When my mother was in labor, she had the servants carry her to the Vatic Fountain, whose virtue is to reveal what is to come. It prophesied I should sit a throne. Thea has always envied me that. Still, the Autarch . . . "
"Yes?"
"It would be better if I didnt say too much. The Autarch is not like other people. No matter how I may talk sometimes, on all of Urth there is no one like him. "
"I know that. "
"Then that is enough for you. Look here," she held up the brown book. "Here it says, It was the thought of Thalelaeus the Great that the democracy - that means the People - desired to be ruled by some power superior to itself, and of Yrierix the Sage that the commonality would never permit one differing from themselves to hold high office. Notwithstanding this, each is called The Perfect Master. "
I did not see what she meant, and said nothing.
"No one really knows what the Autarch will do. Thats what it all comes down to. Or Father Inire either. When I first came to court I was told, as a great secret, that it was Father Inire who really determined the policy of the Commonwealth. When I had been there two years, a man very highly placed - I cant even tell you his name - said it was the Autarch who ruled, though to those in the House Absolute it might seem that it was Father Inire. And last year a woman whose judgment I trust more than any mans confided that it really made no difference, because they were both as unfathomable as the pelagic deeps, and if one decided things while the moon waxed and the other when the wind was in the east, no one could tell the difference anyway. I thought that was wise counsel until I realized she was only repeating something I had said to her myself half a year before. " Thecla fell silent, reclining on the narrow bed, her dark hair spread on the pillow.
"At least," I said, "you were right to have confidence in that woman. She had taken her opinions from a trustworthy source. "
As if she had not heard me, she murmured, "But its all true, Severian. No one knows what they may do. I might be freed tomorrow. Its quite possible. They must know by now that I am here. Dont look at me like that. My friends will speak with Father Inire. Perhaps some may even mention me to the Autarch. You know why I was taken, dont you?"
"Something about your sister. "
"My half-sister Thea is with Vodalus. They say she is his paramour, and I think it extremely likely. "
I recalled the beautiful woman at the top of the stairs in the House Azure and said, "I think I saw your half-sister once. It was in the necropolis. There was an exultant with her who carried a cane-sword and was very handsome. He told me he was Vodalus. The woman had a heart-shaped face and a voice that made me think of doves. Was that she?"
"I suppose so. They want her to betray him to save me, and I know she wont. But when they discover that, why shouldnt they let me go?"
I spoke of something else until she laughed and said, "You are so intellectual, Severian. When youre made a journeyman, youll be the most cerebral torturer in history - a frightful thought. "
"I was under the impression you enjoyed such discussions, Chatelaine. "
"Only now, because I cant get out. Though it may come as a shock to you, when I was free I seldom devoted time to metaphysics. I went dancing instead, and pursued the peccary with pardine limers. The learning you admire was acquired when I was a girl, and sat with my tutor under the threat of the stick. "