Percy sipped her tea and waited.
“I had the best date with Javier last night. The best third date ever, better than I could have imagined,” Vanessa started, looking up at Percy sidewise.
“That’s great, Vanessa. I’m glad,” Percy tilted her head to listen.
“And then when I got home, Bradley was here, and we had sex all night,” Vanessa blew the hard facts out on one swift breath, staring down at the orange slice in her tea.
Percy nodded once in acknowledgement, then continued to sip her tea in silence.
“The thing is,” Vanessa bit her lip and squirmed, “I just felt empty after. I mean, I agreed to the plan. One more night to clear the sex queue with my ex, but it was not right somehow. I feel kind of robbed, like I would have been happier just sitting here alone remembering my time with Javier instead of getting my jollies.” The hard part over, Vanessa looked at her friend straight on. “I’m confused, Perc. I’m not even sure why I did it. It just doesn’t feel like who I want to be anymore.”
Percy nodded again, then turned toward Vanessa on the couch, crossing her legs so that she could face her friend straight on. “I have not been totally upfront with you, Vanessa, and I’m sorry about that now. I feel that I failed you as a friend by waiting so long with what I’m about to tell you. See, I’m an ordained minister, a deacon, and my training in seminary, before I decided to go into academia, was in counseling survivors of sexual assault. I don’t mean to pry, Vanessa, but I have noticed that you show some of the signs of someone who has been through that kind of pain.”
Vanessa shook her head a little, shocked at the sudden collision of her long buried past and her present. “I don’t understand what that has to do with now. They never succeeded, Percy.” Scenes flashed in Vanessa’s mind of her uncle trying to get her to go down on him when she was four, of a boy in her kindergarten trying to get her to kiss his privates, of a babysitter touching her wrong during hide and seek. “I mean, they hurt me, but they didn’t rape me.”
“I know this must be very painful for you to think about, Vanessa, and I’m sorry,” Percy laid a quiet hand on her friend’s shoulder. A moment later, it began to shake with Vanessa’s sobs.
“I puked on my uncle to make him stop, and I barfed on the boy in the coat closet, and I was standing in the hallway with my finger down my throat, trying to puke on the babysitter’s carpet when my mom finally got there. She left me with that pervert so she could interview for a job at a fast food joint. Freaking burger flipping was enough to make her leave me with the nearest pedophile calling himself a babysitter, so she wouldn’t have to tell my Granny she had dropped out of her GED class again,” the words rushed out around Vanessa’s sobs. She told Percy how she had always felt marked, bad somehow since so many men had targeted her in the same way in those early years.
“Percy, what’s wrong with me? Why did they try to hurt me? You know I have lost boyfriends over this? Not just Bradley, but before him. They couldn’t understand why I don’t like to perform certain acts in bed, and I couldn’t tell them. And now, here’s Javier, and he’s perfect, and I want to have his babies, but he will want me to do those things, too, someday while we’re dating, and I am not going to be able to, and he’ll be gone, and…” Vanessa started to hyperventilate.
Percy set down their tea and hugged Vanessa hard into her shoulder while she sobbed. She whispered comforting words, over and over, and stroked Vanessa’s hair until she was soothed enough to hear what Percy was saying. “Oh, Vanessa, honey, it was not your fault. You did not deserve the violence they did to your dignity and your person. It was not your fault. It was not your fault. Shhh. It was not your fault, Vanessa.” The words flowed over Vanessa like a balm, and she was able to think a little again.
“But Javier,” Vanessa hiccupped. “He’s perfect. I mean, I’m sure he’s just human, but he’s perfect for me. And I feel as though I’m losing him before I even have him.”
“So you spent the night with Bradley to numb yourself to the fear.”
“I guess so. I just couldn’t think of a good reason why not at the time. I didn’t especially want to have lots of very exciting sex, but I couldn’t make a decision otherwise,” Vanessa knitted her brows, trying without success to make out her own logic.
“I don’t know if it helps, but what you did was pretty normal for someone who has been attacked with sexual violence. It can be hard to set your boundaries in a way that you feel honors your own integrity when that integrity was shattered so early in life, and so often.”
“I’ve never thought of it that way. In college, I didn’t start having sex till junior year, the semester after my Granny died. I always told myself that if I wanted it and I liked it, then it was okay. No one ever forced me, and I thought I had everything in order. But now, I can see that the guys I screwed were not exactly stellar relationship candidates.”
“Vanessa, you don’t have to judge yourself for your past in order to make new boundaries for yourself going forward. What do you think would make you feel good about sex again?”
Vanessa sniffed and thought. Percy handed her a flannel handkerchief. She cleaned her face and swallowed, “I think really being here. Being in my body. Mind and body together, you know? Like, if I want to be with Javier, to really be with him. Not thinking about him while I have sex with someone else. But just letting myself enjoy him, and enjoy myself with him.”
“That sounds nice.”
“I think it is, or will be. You know, last night on our date, I felt more alive than I have in years. I told him about sewing. I couldn’t even buy fabric when I was with Bradley. I never even hinted to my last three boyfriends, one of whom lived here, that I have a fabric stash. But with Javier, it was like I had permission to be myself. Percy, I think I love him.”
“Well, then,” Percy smiled. “I can’t make your future with Javier clear, but I hear you saying two things: One, you trust this guy. That means you will find a way to feel safe with him and to tell him what you feel is important about your past when the time comes. Two, you feel a lot of hope about having a future of domestic bliss.”
“That sounds about right,” Vanessa smiled. “But I don’t think I could be happy if I just sit around pining for an imagined future. It’s not my style.”
“What is your style?”
“Sewing.” Vanessa got up and walked to the coat closet behind the front door. She opened it to reveal a sewing machine on a shelf surrounded by a few small stacks of fabric and bins full of thread and notions.
“Well, since I’m here early, would you like me to drive you somewhere to buy fabric before we make our rounds?”
“I would like that,” Vanessa eagerly set her sewing machine on the dining table. When she turned back toward Percy, Vanessa shook her head in wonder and smiled, “Percy, thank you. I really needed someone to listen, to help me listen to myself today.”
“I’m glad I could help,” Percy said sincerely. “Now, let’s go do some retail therapy before we shun the consumer culture by sorting through the castoffs of the American corporate food conspiracy.”
Percy helped Vanessa pick out two coordinating bright fabrics for aprons from a small sewing shop. Then, since they were in that part of town, they checked out a little Mexican fruit stand. Vanessa bought star fruit, passion fruits, plums, cherries, and papayas.
Next, they stopped by Whole Foods to pick up more cheese and a hard salami that had been overlooked in the case until it was past sell-by date only the day before. A nearby bakery landed them with a large bag of slightly stale baguettes and cheese danishes, bagged separately and set apart. Vanessa had to work for a few hours that night, so Percy drove her home to put away her things.
“Would you like me to drive you over?” Percy offered, laying the turquoise, red, yellow, and brown fabric over one of Vanessa’s dining chairs.
“No, thanks. I’ll bike. I can use the ride to clear my head a bit,” Vanessa smiled at Percy and hugged her. “You helped me
so much this afternoon. I owe you. Another time, you just call me if Squeak puts you out of your senses.”
Percy smiled broadly. “I might just. See you Friday.”
“See you then.”
Vanessa got out the lovely blue ceramic bowl and set it on the table. She arranged the fruit so that all the colors popped. Then she plugged in the sewing machine and set up the pedal in her old sewing spot. She arranged her sewing basket and the new fabrics so that they made a bright still life with the fruit. A warm glow filled her as she found that she really looked forward to coming home alone that night.
When Vanessa arrived at work for her seven to midnight shift, Ruben wanted to speak with her. He pulled her aside as soon as the first line of customers was served, his Filipino good looks marred only by his completely unruly hair. Vanessa smiled when Ruben leaned toward her, trying to talk low. He was incapable of whispering, and trying to speak quietly only animated his features and made his hair bob more. “Vanessa. Do you still sew?”
“Yes. As a matter of fact—”
“Good,” he cut her off, too excited about whatever he wanted to say to notice that she had not finished her sentence. “You know the launch party next week, for the Beans and Spice shop grand opening? I want to surprise Jill and Elliot by having all of the brewery staff wear matching half aprons. Nothing too girly, but rich spice and chocolate colors. Do you think you could make them?”
“I would love to, Ruben,” Vanessa beamed. “What’s my budget?”
“Oh. Don’t you have a fabric stash already?” Ruben was not mean, but he liked to get a deal when he could. The bottom line always loomed large for recent start-up companies, so Vanessa understood.
“Unfortunately not. But if it’s just for eight of us, I can make something simple and beautiful for, say, forty bucks?”
“Forty dollars it is. Let me give you the cash right now before I forget.”
Ruben handed Vanessa the cash just after she served her favorite professor emerita with her first pale ale of the night. “Oh, and Nessa, I forgot to tell you. Gabi was looking for you earlier. She had to go, but she told me to give you this and to tell you Ma said wear it for good luck with you-know-whom,” Ruben pulled a little silver saint medal on a thin silver chain out of his pocket and handed it to her.
“Thanks, Ruben,” Vanessa looked at the tiny medallion stamped with an image of St. Raphael, Archangel. She put it on and recalled Granny telling her about angels: Raphael for healing and matchmaking, Michael for protection. She smiled and made a mental note to thank Carla next time she saw her.
The evening passed peacefully. Vanessa enjoyed her work and was good at it. She chatted with customers who had come in for the midweek trivia night and hand pie food truck, pairing drinks to foods and moods. When the time came for last call, she realized her face ached a little from smiling.
After the building emptied and she had cleaned and helped reset the bar area, Vanessa turned to find Ruben so he could walk her to her bike. She was about to step through the door to the office when she saw someone waving by the front door. It was Javier.
Chapter Seven
In the Garden
Javier! I didn’t expect to see you again so soon,” Vanessa smiled as she slipped out through the door, locking it behind her. She looked at his face, then gasped and touched his shoulder. “What is it? Are you okay?”
“Vanessa. I just wanted to see you. I had a hard day today. I lost a patient,” Javier swallowed, his eyes sad with tears.
“I’m so sorry,” Vanessa hugged him tightly and held him for a few minutes without talking.
“Vanessa, I know we don’t know each other well yet, but could I come over for awhile?” Javier stroked her hair, his strong arms wrapped around her till they made her shirt stick in the humid night. “I just don’t want to be alone right now.”
“Sure. Of course,” Vanessa held up her bike helmet. “I have my bike tonight, but I can leave it in the office till tomorrow if you don’t mind waiting a minute.”
“Thank you.” Javier held the door open while she wheeled the bicycle into the brewery. He waited while she let Ruben know what was going on.
“All set,” Vanessa smiled. Javier held her hand on the way to the car and opened the door for her.
The ride to her apartment was silent. When they got to Vanessa’s door, there was a basket of folded laundry on the step, along with a note. “Thanks for the cheese. You forgot this, so I thought I’d bring it up for you. The old man says thanks, too. —M.” Vanessa smiled at her neighbor’s thoughtfulness and opened the door. The room looked cozy and welcoming with her still life on the table and her favorite old lamp lit in the corner.
“Come in,” Vanessa gestured welcome and turned on a second lamp. “This is my place,” she turned toward Javier, who looked even sadder in the warmly lit room. “Make yourself comfortable, and I will make us something to drink.”
Vanessa went to the kitchen to prepare the beverages. When she returned, Javier was standing at the table, stroking the bright cloth. He looked up when she entered the room, a hint of joy mixed into his sad eyes. “It’s beautiful. This little vignette is a balm. Thank you for having me over.”
Vanessa handed him a blue mug. “Taste this,” she said gently. “It’s not quite the same as Granny’s, but I hope it will do in a pinch.”
Javier breathed the fragrance of warm milk and vanilla and maple syrup. “A vanilla milkshake,” he smiled. He sipped his drink and said, “Perfect.”
Vanessa sat on the couch and gestured for Javier to join her. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Javier’s forehead creased with pain, and he looked down into his mug. “It was a little boy I have seen on and off for several months for a type of asthma that’s difficult to treat. We had him stabilized yesterday. Then his uncle visited today after he had been around a lot of cigarette smoke. The smoke set the boy off, and he coded, and by the time I rushed in just a couple of minutes later, he was nonresponsive. I tried everything to revive him. But he was gone,” Javier’s knuckles turned white as he gripped his mug in an effort to hold back his grief.
Vanessa set her milk on the coffee table and gently reached forward to take Javier’s cup as well. She climbed up next to him and settled in the space between Javier and the couch, pulling him to her tightly. Javier buried his face in her neck and shook quietly with sadness. Vanessa ran her fingers through the back of his hair while she held him. After several minutes, a calm came over him.
“It’s not your fault,” Vanessa whispered into his hair, still caressing it.
“I know,” Javier looked up, his beautiful eyes rimmed in red. “It’s my heart that aches, not my conscience.”
Vanessa put her hands on his face and looked into his eyes, struck with the simple goodness of the man before her. She pulled his chin gently upward and kissed his soft, full lips. They were hot from crying and tasted salty. I love you, she thought, and hoped her eyes said what she did not think it right to speak yet. She kept her eyes locked on his and kissed him again, firmly but fully, and once more for good measure. Then she leaned back, startled at how much she cared for Javier and how much she wanted him to know that she was there with him in the moment.
Javier caught her hands in his as she drew away. He kissed her wrists, one, then the other, and looked at her with gratitude through weary eyes. Vanessa thought he would let go, that he wanted her to move away now that his overflow of grief had passed. Instead, he wrapped her arms around his waist and reached out for her, pulling her to his chest as he leaned deeper into the couch. She laid her head on his chest and heard the strong low rhythm of his heart. The sound was exquisite, and she felt herself get lost in it, grow drowsy in it as their breaths matched one another and the beautiful beat went on.
When Vanessa awoke, the first thing she felt was totally relaxed. Her body was warm and safe and comfortable, and dreams tried to tug her back into sleep. There had been such a beautiful bluebird in the dream, beating itse
lf against the outside of a cage because it did not know how to live free.
She was lying on her side, and she smelled peppermint and milk and almond soap and warm luscious skin. Her hand rose and fell gently on somebody’s abdomen. She opened her eyes and saw Javier next to her. They were lying on the couch together where they had held one another the night before. She was tucked under his strong arm, and he was tucked under her arm draped across his middle.
Javier squeezed her a little to let him know he was awake. “Good morning,” he said quietly.
Vanessa looked up to see him observing her mildly, a smile in his eyes. “Good morning, Javier.” She hugged him and breathed deeply, burrowing into his neck to savor his smell. Then she leaned back into his arm and smiled up at him, stroking his side lightly with the hand that touched him.
Javier turned so that they were facing one another on the couch. He studied her face with drowsy eyes and moved a lock of her hair off of her forehead and behind her ear. She traced circles on his shoulder blade and looked at his face in the morning light. Javier moved his hand up from where it rested on her side to caress her cheek gently. His touch was so warm. Vanessa closed her eyes in contentment and pressed her cheek into his palm. She opened her eyes to find his looking directly into hers.
“Gabi was right,” he smiled.
“Hmm? About what?”
“You talk in your sleep.”
“I can’t be held accountable for anything I said,” she preempted, hoping all of her dreams had been as gentle as the bluebird.
“You kept saying, ‘fly away, fly away!’” and “‘so much love,’” he blinked slowly, which made his smiling eyes more charming.
“I said that?” a smile curved her lips.
Slowly, almost tentatively, Javier moved toward her. He brushed his lips lightly against hers, the merest whisper of a kiss. Then he kissed just to the side of her mouth, a tiny tug of his lips. He peppered her face slowly with these tiny kisses and spread them over her throat until he found a spot to one side that tickled. When Vanessa laughed, he chuckled and kissed her there again. Vanessa’s pulse was racing. Javier could feel her heartbeat speed up under his lips. He smiled and returned his gaze to Vanessa’s eyes, now bright with desire and happiness. She quirked her brows as though to ask for pity, and he smiled at her.
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