That was when Ellie realized she wasn’t as brave as she’d thought she was. This was hurting too much and she didn’t want to hear any more.
Joe must have seen that in her eyes, because he had added, “But he hasn’t had anyone else since he met you. And I’ve never seen him do that before. Certainly not for this long.”
When he’d said that, Ellie had felt fearless again. So fearless that later on, when she and Benny were alone, she’d asked him about the rumors she’d heard.
“Yes,” he’d said. “I’ve played around,” he’d said. “But this is different.”
“How many other girls have heard that from you?” she’d asked.
He’d had the grace to redden when he grinned. “Lots.” Then he’d gotten serious. “But you—” He’d stopped, and she’d known he was picking his words carefully because he was trying to be honest. It seemed like he was trying to figure out his feelings for himself. “You’re good for me, Ellie,” he’d said finally.
Her heart had started to beat harder, but she couldn’t let him know that. “Thanks,” she’d said.
“Don’t laugh. You’ve got me thinking about things.”
The beating was so loud, now, there was no way he couldn’t hear it. “‘Things’? Like what?”
Instead of answering he’d kissed her, and after that there was no more talking. But she couldn’t forget the tantalizing words: You’ve got me thinking about things. She’d wanted to hear more about that.
Meanwhile, Joe was worrying about the future of the act. “Benny’s restless,” he said to Ellie. “I used to think it was because we weren’t headlining at the Palace, but it’s not that.”
It’s because of me, Ellie thought. He’s thinking about settling down. And for days she felt like she was flying high above the world. But she had to be sure she was right about that, so one night, after she and Benny had made love, when they were lying next to each other and it was still hard to catch their breath, the question came out.
“You said I make you think about things—what did you mean?”
“I think about”—he paused, and then he went on slowly—“do I want to keep on running around the country playing the small-time for the rest of my life. Because that’s the only future for Masters and George, no matter what Joe says.”
That wasn’t what she had wanted to hear, and she felt like someone had burst her lovely hot-air balloon. She sat up and pulled the sheet around her.
“We’d do better if you’d work on new material with Joe and me,” she said tartly. “We need a new act….”
He sat up and covered himself too. “You think I don’t know that? You bet that’s what we need—from the bottom up. But I’ve been through that before. I know how it’ll go.” He held up his fingers and ticked them off one by one. “First, we take a couple of weeks to lay off, with no money coming in, while we write all this new material. Second, we rehearse—still with nothing coming in—until we’re ready to try it out; that’ll take another three weeks at least. Then we get ourselves booked on the small small-time, playing tank towns for almost nothing, to break the act in and see how it goes over; say another three or four months. If we flop, we’re out of money, and it’s back to the old act until we can start over again. If the new act does work, we keep on booking on the small-time while we polish it. Say another three months.”
“You have to be patient.”
“That’s not me. It never was, and now”—he looked at her, and her heart started pounding again—“now I think it’s time for me to get serious.”
She waited for him to add the magic phrase About you, Ellie.
“I’m not a kid,” he went on. “Joe is nineteen, but I’m two years older. I’m tired of living in boardinghouses and two-bit hotels. I’m done with putting makeup on my collar when I’m between jobs so everyone will think I’m working, and I’m done with waiting for that one shot at the big-time.” He fixed his face in a silly smirk and made his voice go high and stupid. “We killed them in this little hick town, next stop is the Palace,” he said, in a mockery of every hopeful vaudevillian. “I don’t want that anymore.”
He still hadn’t said anything about her—or them—but he hadn’t taken his eyes off her either. “What do you want?” she asked breathlessly.
“Money. Respect. I want to be my own man.”
So I can be with you, forever. That was what he should have said next. But he didn’t.
“We’re on the wrong end of the business, Ellie. It’s the theater owners and the booking agents back in New York who have the right idea. We work like dogs and they have all the power. We’re dumb.”
He didn’t notice how hurt and mad she was becoming.
“Think about it,” he said. “The theater owners hire the bookers, and the bookers decide where we’re going to tour and how much we get paid. We don’t have anything to say about it because they all work together.”
It was a gripe Ellie had heard a million times. Vaudeville was dominated by two organizations: Keith’s and the Orpheum. Each had its own circuit of theaters and a staff of booking agents who hired the acts that played them. There were a few small independent circuits, but they didn’t really count for much. Keith’s and the Orpheum had a stranglehold on the industry. They dictated pay and working conditions for all but the biggest stars, and any performer who went against them could be blackballed and never work again. It was unfair, but it was nothing new, and Ellie couldn’t believe Benny was bringing it up now, when they should have been talking about themselves.
“Yes,” she said, disappointment making her voice harsh, “Keith’s and the Orpheum have a monopoly. So what?”
“So I’m thinking if a smart fellow had a chance to be a booker for Keith’s because he had some good friends in the organization who liked him and wanted to help him out, that might not be a bad thing.”
“You want to give up the act and work for management?”
He smiled that confident smile that made everything in the world seem possible. “You think I couldn’t make my way up the ladder? With my gift of gab?”
“But what about Joe?” What about me?
“We still have a couple of months left on the tour, and I’m not saying anything to Joe until it’s over. Don’t you say anything to him either. Because it isn’t set yet.”
Because you don’t want to face him. You’ll just walk away, she thought. And for a second she knew that, even though she loved Benny, she didn’t trust him. That thought made her heart break.
Benny pulled her close. “Don’t look so sad. I told you, I’ve been thinking about all this because of you.” He paused for a second. “You’re different from the other girls I’ve known, Ellie.” At that, her heart had mended.
During the weeks that followed, Ellie felt badly about keeping Benny’s secret from Joe, but she had to stay loyal to Benny. Besides, Joe’s moods were getting even more sour as the end of their tour came nearer, so perhaps he knew what was up. She’d discovered that Joe was often more sensitive to the people around him than her beautiful Benny. So even though it didn’t feel quite honest, she kept her mouth shut. And then the time came when she had a lot more to worry about than being honest with Joe. Because now she had a secret of her own. A terrible secret.
CHAPTER 20
Ellie checked her watch: she had three more hours before she had to be downstairs in the lobby. That gave her time to lie down. Maybe she’d try to read. She’d been doing a lot of reading lately; it helped pass the time when she was alone.
There had been a time when she wouldn’t have been alone in her room on a pretty spring day. In the beginning, when she and Benny were newly in love, he would have been knocking on her door, calling out that this town had the best ice cream parlor—or candy shop, or lunch wagon—on the entire eastern seaboard, and he had to take her for a sundae or a hot dog right this minute, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. She would giggle as she rammed on her hat and went out the door and into his arms. And he woul
d scandalize anyone who happened to be in the hallway by kissing her like he never wanted to stop. Sometimes, instead of going out, they would rush back into her room and shut the door until it was time to go to the theater. Other times they would run out of the hotel, giddy and laughing. But now Benny was avoiding her. He had been for two weeks.
Ellie put down her book and lay down on the bed. She’d rest for a while, she decided; maybe she’d even go to sleep. She was tired all the time now. But that would end this afternoon. And by tomorrow the morning sickness would end too. At least, she thought it would. She wasn’t sure what happened when you were carrying a child and you “got rid of it.” That was the way Benny had said it. “You’ve got to get rid of it, Ellie.”
But that was after they knew. First, he’d found a doctor for her to see and he’d gone with her. He’d said gentle, calming things to her on the bus trip to the doctor’s office, so she’d convinced herself that everything was going to be all right. She’d kept on telling herself that after the doctor gave them the news, even though Benny couldn’t meet her eyes. And he hadn’t looked at her once on the ride back to the hotel. She’d told herself she understood; it was only natural that he’d be upset, because having a baby wasn’t part of his plans. But he’d do the right thing. He’d take care of her.
Actually, he had said something close to that. “I’ll take care of the arrangements,” he’d told her, as he paced back and forth in her hotel room. She could see he was thinking fast, and the pacing reminded her of an animal trying to get out of its cage. “There’s a woman I know about in Poughkeepsie,” he’d continued. “It’s the next town over, and we can go on our day off. She’s a midwife, so she knows what she’s doing, and she’s clean and careful. You’ll be fine.” And then, his problem solved, he’d smiled at her. That was something he hadn’t done since she’d first told him what she suspected. But now, he did. And he’d taken her in his arms. “Poor kid,” he’d said gently. “You must be scared out of your mind. There’s nothing to it, you’ll see.” And she’d been too sick and shocked to ask how he knew that. In fact, she hadn’t said anything at all. So he’d made the arrangements. And now, this afternoon, they were going to Poughkeepsie, where the clean, careful midwife who knew what she was doing would get rid of Ellie’s problem.
Ellie turned on her side and tried to stop her racing thoughts. But they came anyway. What will the woman do to me? How will she … but Benny says I mustn’t think about that. Benny will be there with me. Think about Benny. He says this is what I have to do. And he knows. Because Benny loves me, and … and he wants me to get rid of it … it … my baby…. She sat up. It’s not an it, it’s my baby! It was as if a mist had been lifted, and for the first time in days she could see clearly. I can’t do it. The thought was so simple. I won’t do it.
The nausea was gone. She got up from the bed, and ran out of the room and down the hallway to the room Benny shared with Joe. Benny was going to be upset when she told him she couldn’t do what he wanted. She was prepared for that. He thought he’d solved their problem, and he wasn’t going to like hearing that he hadn’t. But she’d tell him how she felt, and when he understood, he wouldn’t want her to go through with it. Not her Benny, who smiled at her with his warm blue eyes and bought her hot fudge sundaes and made love to her. He’d said she was different from all the other girls he’d ever known. He’d said she was good for him, and he’d stayed faithful to her all these months. Benny loved her. And he wouldn’t do this to her. Not when he understood. She knocked on the hotel room door and said a quick little thank-you to heaven when Benny opened it and there was no sign of Joe. She and Benny could talk in private. She drew in a breath and began.
“WHAT DO YOU mean, you can’t go through with it?” Benny demanded. His face had gone as white as the sheets on the bed behind him. “You have to go to the midwife,” he said. “There isn’t any other way.”
“Yes, there is! I love you. And you—” But his eyes were dark and big with panic, so she couldn’t finish her thought. She couldn’t say, And you love me.
She was starting to shiver; she had to clasp her hands together to keep them from shaking. She’d been so sure she could explain this to him, so sure she could convince him, but now, as she looked at his stricken face, she was shivering. “There is another way, Benny,” she said. She waited for him to answer but he stayed silent. Finally she repeated, “There is another way.”
“I can’t do that.” She could barely hear him.
“Can’t do what?” He turned away from her. “What can’t you do?” she asked, and suddenly she stopped shaking. Her voice was low and calm. That was the way she reacted when the worst was about to happen.
“You know. I don’t want to hurt you, so don’t make me say it.”
But that was exactly what she was going to do. “What can’t you do, Benny?”
He started pacing—he seemed to be doing that every time he was with her. “I locked in the job with Keith’s, just a couple of days ago. When this tour is over I’m going to work in New York as an assistant booker.”
“And I’m going to have a baby.”
“I’m just getting started. Don’t you see? I’m finally on my way! I’m going to make it!”
“And you’re going to be a father.”
“Ellie, when we started out … in the beginning … I thought it was just for fun. But you’re the kind of girl—you’re everything I want. You’re beautiful, and you’re smart, and you’re classy…. And you make me happy.”
I think the same thing about you. Or I used to.
“I thought we’d wait and see … and in two years … or even a year—” He was stumbling now. Benny never stumbled. He had the gift of gab. “We never talked about the future, Ellie! We never promised anything. You know we didn’t.”
And that was when she realized that he was right. A lot of words had been said, but none of them were about the future. And no promises had been made.
“Things have changed,” she said.
“They don’t have to!” He was pleading now. “I know how it must feel to you right now, sweetheart. You’re scared of … what’s going to happen today. But you’re not the first girl to go through this. It happens more often than you think. And it’ll be over in a few minutes. Afterward, you’ll know you’ve done the right thing.”
“I won’t.”
“Ellie, for God’s sake. I’m not going to be making a dime. I can’t afford a wife and a kid. Not now!”
“Other people manage.”
“I’m not other people, damn it! I thought you knew that.”
Of course she did. She’d loved him for it. But now she had to live with it. “I guess you finally said it,” she heard herself say. “You won’t marry me.”
“I can’t do it now.”
“And I can’t go to the midwife in Poughkeepsie.” She started for the door, but he stopped her.
“What are you going to do?”
She had no idea.
“You can’t have a baby on your own.”
“That’s none of your business anymore,” she said, and she walked out.
She went back to her room and lay down on her bed. She had all the time in the world now. She didn’t have to catch a bus. She didn’t have to be in Poughkeepsie for a three o’clock appointment. She could stay here for the rest of the day and night, if that was what she wanted.
ELLIE HAD NO idea how long she’d been sleeping—she must have dozed off—when she was awakened by someone knocking on the door. She sat up fast. “Benny?” she said joyfully. She flew to the door and opened it and the joy died. Because it wasn’t Benny standing in front of her, it was Joe. And his expression was grim.
Joe looked at Ellie’s face and saw the traces of tears. She’d been crying again. She’d been doing that a lot lately. And of course he knew where to lay the blame. Every girl who fell for Benny wound up crying sooner or later. There had been times in the past weeks when he’d thought it served Ellie right for being
a fool. Then he’d tell himself she was just a kid—not even seventeen—so he should try to understand. But then he’d get mad at her all over again. She should be smarter than that. Damn it, she was smarter than that.
He knew how quick and smart she was, because when he started telling his jokes about things he’d read in the newspaper she got the punch lines faster than anyone else. And once she’d even suggested some dialogue for him and Benny to say in the act, and they’d put it in and it always got a big laugh.
So why was a smart girl like that throwing herself away on Benny? Benny couldn’t love anyone but himself. It was because Mrs. Gerhardt died while she was still mad at him, and all the girls laughed at Benny when he was a kid—and there were probably other reasons Joe didn’t even know about. But why couldn’t Ellie see what a phony he was? Even if he did decide he was in love with her, Benny would never take care of her. Sometimes Joe would see her smiling at Benny with her beautiful eyes shining and he’d want to shake her.
And he had to admit that he was angry at Ellie for not realizing that he was the one who did take care of her. He saw to it that she had the bottom bunk on the train on the overnight jumps, and he made sure she had the best hotel rooms. He took care of her onstage too. He upstaged himself to make sure she got her one laugh, and he was always trying to come up with new bits for her that weren’t too difficult, so she would look good.
And what had she done? She’d started sleeping with Benny. After he’d found out, Joe told himself he was through looking out for her. When they’d checked into their new hotel, he had let the clerk book her into the worst room—he’d figured what the hell, Benny was spending his nights there, let him complain about the ceiling that was falling on her head. And Joe had let Ellie fend for herself onstage when Benny went up on his lines and didn’t feed her the right cue.
But then she had tried to act tough, like she didn’t care that she was sleeping in a dump, and she tried to pretend she didn’t care that she hadn’t gotten her laugh and instead she’d just looked young and hurt. And so beautiful. So Joe had made the desk clerk change her room, and he’d been real careful to set up her punch line the next night so she’d get a roar from the house. And she’d gone off to dinner with Benny after the show. And that night, after everything was quiet, Benny had made his way down the hall to her new room.
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