by Cal, Sarah
Emma frowned. "Why not?" She couldn’t hide her frustration, and she wasn’t even sorry. "Didn’t you want this? You asked for it, and Barbara was nice enough to not only bring them all the way here, but she offered them for free. So now what's the problem?"
"The drugs make me feel empty inside."
From someone else, Emma would have been skeptic, or not taken it seriously at all. It did sound a little overdramatic. But this was her sister, Merry. She was prone to exaggeration, but she said it so flatly, so demoralized, that Emma could only take her seriously.
She hadn't asked Barbara the side effects of the drugs. The other woman had implied it would be visible in her sister's behavioral changes, but Emma really should have asked for more specific information.
Emma was uncertain, but she said, "It's probably a side effect that will pass soon. You wanted this, remember? No more nightmares. As long as you keep taking the pills, you'll get what you want."
Merry took a few moments of deliberation. Emma made herself wait patiently for Merry to make up her mind. Then Merry turned a little more so Emma could see more of her face through her hair.
"If it doesn’t, I may as well be dead," she muttered and sneered. "You don’t even know what it's like, but you keep pushing me to take it. You're drugging me to stop my visions, aren’t you?" she accused, her eyes narrowing.
She just frowned at her sister. Surely Merry didn’t really believe that, she was just being dramatic. In a way, it was true, she wanted her sister to stop having those visions. But Emma would never drug her for whatever reason. Maybe Merry just didn’t remember that she had asked for the medication, but Emma wasn’t going to let someone's good will go to waste over her sister's whims.
"The visions aren’t a good thing, Merry," Emma tried to explain. "I can't be around to help you all the time. What happens if I leave and then come back to find you in the state you were in just a few days ago? It was bad wasn’t it? Having these visions can't possibly be helpful to you if they can push you to that level."
"No, it's a trick. Of course it is, this is you. You're just trying to take away my 'powers,'" Merry muttered to herself, speaking her inner thoughts out loud. Then she glared at Emma. "You're just jealous that I'm the 'chosen one' and my powers are the one thing that make me better than you."
At those words, Emma's bad mood evaporated. It rankled, the suspicious attitude Merry seemed to have about her, but this part just confused her more than anything. Because it made no sense whatsoever.
She still found it impossible that her sister thought of her that way. No one thought of her that way—except maybe Chase, but he was nice to everyone. Nothing about Emma was better, she was just healthier, though even that was debatable. Emma had her own way of dealing with things, and that was to bottle it up until she couldn’t any more. It wasn’t a good mechanism, but it worked for her. If she ever let go, she could end up worse than her sister was acting.
But Merry kept persisting. Because she was the one plagued with the nightmares and everything that went with it. The accident didn’t just take away their parents, it took away normal life for Merry. Emma hadn't seen, or if she had her mind blocked it. If what Merry said was true, she kept relieving the moment in her nightmares, and it had been going on for the past ten years.
Emma couldn’t say she would gladly switch places with her sister. But she couldn’t say that her own life was that much better. Yeah, she could function day to day, had no problem walking around, doing work and generally acting normal, as was expected in civilized society.
But she gave up most of her dreams to look after her sister, rather than let her be put in some facility. She used to work a job that she hated, and was always on the verge of depression. If she let herself go at any moment, she wouldn’t have been sure of her chances of getting out of it. She hated her work but she still went even when she had to force herself. She gave up writing, her dream, but she made time for physical exercise, to keep fit and healthy. Life could have been a lot worse for her. It still could.
Aside from Chase, she had no friends. She never got along with her coworkers, her students never showed her respect and she always had to keep up the fight to prove her worth to the school or risk losing a job she didn’t even like. It wasn’t so different, only now she had to prove herself to her town, and that was a lot more pressure, and she did work to make herself more useful and to keep her occupied because that was what she was used to. She had already let people down, gotten herself arrested, nearly gotten herself killed several times.
The situation between Kellen and Brian was also her fault, and all of it weighed on her. The only thing that weighed on her more was the responsibility to her family that kept her going through everything. It wasn’t out of some self-righteous idea that she did all that she did. They were all she had left, and if she did nothing, even if stepping up had made her miserable, she would have lost them.
Emma wasn’t perfect. She was maybe the most flawed of all of them. Because everything she did, was out of selfishness.
Her dreams mattered, but she didn’t want to be alone. She didn’t want to bear the responsibility on her own, so she shared with Chase because he had offered and she was weak. In her dark moments, she almost felt like she could hate her family, for the shackles the situation put on her, for the effects their mental illness had on her.
She hated when Merry acted up. It hurt ever time her grandmother forgot her and she had to remind the older woman who she was. There were times when she hated everything, the times when she was most destructive. Emotions like those were the reason the thing with Brian even started, all her other flings, for her to find a way to let it out without hurting anyone, and even in that she had failed.
If she hadn't had Chase, she would have fallen long before then. How could Merry not see it? Or was Emma not the only self-centered one in the family? Because all Merry seemed to focus on was herself—what she saw, or thought she saw, and how she interpreted everything. Emma was always the one that had to meet her halfway; Merry was never willing to cut her some slack.
She almost wanted to be angry at her sister because of the way Merry saw her. It was so far from the truth, something she might have even wanted if only so she would be more sure of herself, yet Merry said it with such conviction, like Emma was really this perfect person that she was not. But she couldn’t blame her sister, who hadn't asked for what life dealt them any more than she had.
"You don’t need powers to be special—you're well-loved, funny and intelligent. I know things haven't been easy for you over the years. But I'm trying to help, trying to make things better. For all of us. I know I haven't been doing a good enough job, Merry, but I am trying and I am still here. A lot of people would have bailed when the going got too tough."
She had thought of it enough times herself, she just never let the thoughts go beyond daydreams of a future she could have had, if things were different. A future that wasn’t possible for her, not now.
Emma endured the narrow eyed look leveled on her by her sister.
"You are a snake in the grass and God will strike you down."
Emma didn’t let herself show any physical reaction besides lightly pursing her lips. She looked down at her lap, not sure what more to do. She didn’t even have it in herself to be mad at Merry's attitude. She just wanted this over and done with so she could leave and go do something else she wanted to. She was weary of all the negativity, and in this, she wasn’t sure how to approach it.
"You need to take your pills," she repeated blandly, looking up.
Their gazes held, Emma sitting still and keeping her expression blank. Merry could keep arguing, but Emma wasn’t going to budge on this. Merry needed to get better, and if the pills were the only way currently, they were going to use them unless it was dangerous. Merry hadn't been taking them for so long. Surely the long-term effect would be better despite the short-term effects. For both their sakes, she had to keep believing that.
She
could still remember how Merry had looked and acted around Barbara, actually begging for something when she acted so imperious most of the time. Her sister needed these pills, even if she'd forgotten why.
Merry glared at Emma as she took the pills with the glass of water that Emma brought. Emma watched long enough to make sure she swallowed, and then Emma left her alone.
Chase was downstairs; her grandmother was somewhere around the house, though likely out in the garden, considering the time. But Emma didn’t feel like being around anyone. And she didn’t want to be too far away from Merry, just in case. So she went back to her own room and sat on her bed.
There wasn’t really anything to do at home. She could have picked something to read, but most of the books in the house were either in Merry's room, or Janice’s, since they were the ones with more leisure time. Aside from a few days ago when she read to her sister, Emma couldn’t even remember the last time she read a book for pleasure. Usually, it was something to do with work.
In any case, she had no intention of going back to Merry's room until she had to, and she did not want to encounter her grandmother in her current state.
She looked around her room. Everything was in place, so she didn’t even have the excuse of cleaning up the room. There wasn’t really anything to do, was there? No TV, no phone, and no computers... luxuries they would probably never have again. Somehow it only just hit her, the magnitude of the loss. Or she was just seeing a new angle of it now that she didn’t have anything else to keep her occupied.
What to do then? Emma didn’t feel like just sitting in her room, bored. Maybe she could go out for a walk...? But then, she heard the door downstairs, and her interest was piqued. No one had gone out through the front door, she was sure. Chase would have informed her before he left, and neither her sister, nor her grandmother, would just leave the house.
Footsteps pounded up the stairs in a rush. They were heavy, and she looked up at the door expectantly. When the door opened, it wasn’t to the person she had thought.
Brian had returned, having been gone all night and day. She had been worried when he just walked out, especially after he had injured himself. She felt responsible, so of course she had tried to follow after him. There was no thought in her mind what she was going to do once she caught up to him, but Chase stopped her from going. They had almost argued over it until he made her understand Brian needed to be alone.
Emma hadn't liked it. Instead, she had picked his wedding ring and cleaned it up for him. It sat in the back of her nightstand's drawer, but she would keep it until Brian wanted it back. He hadn't come back, but there was no way she could go out to look for him once it got dark, not matter how much she wanted to. Responsibility to her family had settled back on her shoulders, and she couldn’t leave them and Chase to risk herself going out to look for Brian. He somehow managed to fend for himself without her help once, and she had too much of her own worries so she put him out of her mind.
Seeing him in front of her was a surprise, though. Was he over whatever had made him run in the first place? Why had he headed straight for her room? Emma wasn’t sure he had eaten wherever it was he had gone off to, he could have gone to the kitchen to get something to eat first.
He didn’t look much different from when she'd last seen him, his clothes a little scruffier. His hand was injured, and he must have washed it at some point, though it was still very much red. She could tell he hadn't had it properly looked after. His hair was wild, like he'd run his fingers through it over and over.
Emma wondered where he even slept. If he had slept, because he didn’t look any more rested than she felt.
"Are you okay?" she asked tentatively.
He sought her out on his own, so he must have been ready to talk. She took a small step forward. Brian took a deep breath, and slowly shook his head.
Emma was confused. Why had he sought her out then? Or was he just there to borrow the bed, because he was exhausted and the couch was uncomfortable? She would have left the room for him to use, but not for long because Chase would eventually walk in there to go to sleep. It was hours yet, but not far off for him to get a good sleep.
Then, Brian spoke, and Emma was even more confused.
"I just need to feel something other than hurt and anger for a while."
Brian closed the door behind him. Then, he moved to Emma's curtains and closed them, too. Emma froze, a little unsure. What could he possibly want? And from her of all people? Emma had thought, when he left, that he had come to blame her, and hate her as much as Kellen did. Clearly she must have been wrong, unless she was reading his cues wrong.
But then he was moving toward her, and she only managed to take half a step back before he was on her. Brian kissed her, hard, arms wrapping tight around her waist to drag her body roughly up against his. His erection pressed hard against her abdomen, and if the rough kiss hadn't clued her in, that would have.
She hesitated a moment before kissing him back just as fiercely. He pushed her back until they fell onto the bed in a tangle. After a moment of shifting, Brian had Emma on her back, hovering over her as he straddled her hips. He pulled back just when she needed to breath, but he didn’t move far, so that they were breathing each other's air, watching each other from an inch away.
It was a bad idea. Falling into bed with Brian was what started the mess with Kellen to begin with. But did it really matter anymore? The fall out had already happened, things couldn’t possibly be any worse between Brian and Kellen. So she shouldn’t worry about it anymore. Kellen had pushed Brian away herself.
Emma was happy to comply. Because suddenly, everything she had been trying to keep at bay seemed too overwhelming. She would have loved the distraction from her usual problems, even though the new ones were so different from before. It was why she had fallen into bed with him in the first place, beyond his looks, beyond knowing someone so attractive paid attention to her, Brian had been an escape.
Emma needed it.
But it might not be what Brian needed.
When he leaned down to take her lips in another kiss, she stopped him with a hand on his chest, pushing him back. He hesitated, but he didn’t close the space between them, moving a bit back so she could see more of his face than just his eyes.
"What is it?" he whispered in the space between them, like a sound louder would shatter the moment.
"Are you sure you know what you're doing," she asked him seriously.
He eyed her for a moment. He didn’t give her words, though. He responded by rising up on his knees to remove his jacket and T-shirt, before he was on all fours again, meeting her eyes.
"I'm certain."
Chapter 24
Brian and Emma lay in bed together, out of breath.
It had been a while since they last slept together. Or, well, it seemed that way but it couldn’t have been three weeks ago. The situation just made it seem like it had been forever. Considering how she had been feeling about it nearing the end of their affair, Emma was surprised she had enjoyed it.
"I'd missed our meet-ups," Brian murmured.
She glanced at him out the corner of her eye. He was lying on his back, and arm under his head, eyes closed and a small, satisfied smile on his lips.
Emma rolled her eyes, but thought to herself that it felt good to get lost in something other than reality. Even better, they weren’t sneaking around behind Kellen's back. It was a much better distraction, safer too, than volunteering to leave town even knowing it was dangerous, and now she couldn’t even do that anymore.
Not that she was ready to restart their affair. The thought that he might mistake this as her way of saying she wanted to resume their former relationship washed away some of the afterglow. As much as she appreciated the short escape, she wasn’t ready to make it long term. It just wasn’t healthy for the long-term. She had already proven it to herself before, when she grew dissatisfied with the affair, but too dependent on it to just stop. She wasn’t in a position that w
ould allow her to be in such a relationship again.
Brian reached over to kiss Emma's lips, and she reluctantly returned it.
With the moment over, and rational thinking starting to reassert itself, she was not interested in being with him. Hell, they never did this before. There was always the probability of getting caught that meant they met, and after they were done Emma left. It sounded so clinical when she thought about it that way, but that was how it had been. She had never spent this long in a bed with Brian when they were not doing anything but just lying there.
He pulled away, and Emma was almost disappointed. Not that he wasn’t kissing her anymore, but that the moment was really was over.
It was back to feeling just like before. A moment of euphoria followed by a lot of regret. And she must have been kidding herself if she thought she would be exempt from the guilt now that Kellen knew and she and Brian already had their argument. It was still there. Because she was giving Brian the wrong message, when he really didn’t need it right then. There was also Kellen, who wasn’t really out of the picture.
Emma should have thought more, she should have been stronger. After everything she had survived through, she should have been beyond making such stupid decisions. There was a reason she had wanted to stop sleeping with Brian before. The greater bit was because of his wife—now ex-wife?—but she had been unsatisfied with the affair. Instead of helping anything, all it did was make her feel bad afterward.
How had she let herself forget?
That was an easy question with an easy answer, though. So much had happened since then. Emma couldn’t even count the number of near death experiences she had since the last time they were together. They were too many, and thinking of them only made her heart sink further. There were the other problems going on around town, the aftermath of Kellen's anger, dealing with her own problems and watching her sister and her grandmother slowly unravel.
She had been through more in the past few weeks than she had been in the past ten years. She was holding up surprisingly well, but of course it all had an effect on her. All of it, even when she pushed it aside, took a toll on her. Even now, she could feel it. Sleeping with Brian had pushed it all out of her mind, but now that the moment was over, it wasn’t like everything else suddenly went away. Escape was nice, but not when you had to return to reality so quickly. She could not deny it had been pleasurable, but all those nice things she had been feeling were definitely gone now.