Love Unspoken

by Carole Mortimer

  ‘A little tired,’ Julie admitted. ‘I’ll be okay after a week’s rest.’

  ‘That’s why I’m calling, actually. Ben and I would like you to come and stay with us.’

  ‘Ben and you?’

  ‘Of course,’ Connie said firmly. ‘You’re my best friend, Julie, it’s only right you should come to us for a while.’

  ‘I may be your friend, but Ben is Zack’s brother,’ Julie reminded her softly.

  ‘It was Ben’s suggestion.’

  ‘It was?’ She couldn’t hide her surprise.

  ‘Yes. Please come!’

  It was very tempting—after all, Steve would be leaving in the morning, and the next week on her own stretched in front of her. ‘I—All right,’ she accepted.

  ‘Tomorrow?’

  ‘Yes,’ she agreed determinedly.

  As Julie prepared for her date with Steve that evening she still wasn’t sure she had done the right thing in agreeing to go to her friend’s. Connie was her best friend, in fact it had been through her that Connie had first met Ben, but she wasn’t sure being with them was a good idea. Ben had always reminded her of Zack, a less forceful, less dynamic Zack, but the likeness was strong enough to evoke some poignant memories.

  As her evening with Steve progressed she could sense his preoccupation; his anger with her for refusing to discuss was at boiling point by the time they reached the coffee stage of their meal.

  Julie stirred sugar into her coffee. ‘I’ve agreed to stay with a friend for a few days.’

  ‘But?’ Steve prompted, sitting back in his chair, watching her with puzzled eyes.

  Julie flushed. ‘There was no but. Connie Reedman is an old friend—’

  ‘Is she married to Ben Reedman, Zachary Keedman’s brother?’

  She frowned. ‘Yes.’

  ‘I see,’ Steve sighed.

  Julie licked her lips, frowning her puzzlement. ‘I don’t understand—what do you see?’

  ‘Your reluctance,’ he said dully. ‘Do you still care for him, is that it?’

  ‘Care for him…?’ She swallowed hard. ‘I don’t know what you mean. Zachary Reedman has never meant anything to me.’

  ‘Oh, Julie, Julie!’ Steve shook his head sadly. ‘Everyone in the newspaper world knows that you and he had a thing going a few years ago, that you used to live with him whenever you were in London.’

  Julie had gone very white, her eyes huge, deeply green. ‘Everyone know that…’ she echoed dazedly.

  ‘Oh, maybe not the newcomers, but all of us that were about at the time knew, including me.’

  ‘Then why did you never say anything?’

  He shrugged. ‘What was there to say? You had an affair with the man, it went wrong. I didn’t see that it was any of my business.’

  She shook her head. ‘Even though I’ve refused to sleep with you all these months?’

  He nodded. ‘That was your prerogative.’

  ‘But-‘

  ‘Do you still care for him?’

  ‘No,’ she replied unwaveringly.

  Steve’s eyes were once again narrowed. ‘You sound very sure.’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘He’s a powerful man—’

  ‘Power isn’t everything,’ she interrupted tautly. She knew all about Zack’s power, the influence he had in the newspaper world. Hadn’t she left the Global News because of that power, determined once their love had died to give Zack no say in her life at all? And as the owner of the Global News he had had plenty of that. Fortunately he had no influence with the Daily Probe, her career had been allowed to grow and expand as she wanted it to away from his interference. Zack hadn’t believed in a woman having a career, especially as a reporter, claiming it made them hard and un- feminine, and it had been this chauvinistic view that had finally destroyed them. ‘No, it isn’t everything,’ she repeated bitterly.

  ‘Maybe not,’ Steve agreed, having watched the different emotions flickering across her face. ‘Julie, I want to talk about us,’ he clasped her hand across the table.

  She licked her lips nervously, knowing she couldn’t put this moment off any longer—and also knowing it could be the end of them. ‘Us?’ she prompted with a feeling of dread.

  ‘Yes.’ His expression was intent. ‘Julie, we’ve been seeing each other for six months now, and we’ve stagnated.’

  ‘Stagnated!’ she scorned.

  ‘Yes, we have,’ he insisted. ‘I’m thirty-four, Julie, hardly a boy. And you’re twenty-six—’

  ‘Hardly a girl,’ she mocked.

  He shot her a look of exasperation. ‘Men will still be wanting you when you’re sixty, and you know it.’

  ‘God, I hope not,’ she said, and meant it. So far men had caused all the trouble in her life. She hoped it wouldn’t still be happening when she was sixty!

  ‘Well, they will,’ Steve insisted impatiently. ‘But we’re getting sidetracked. What I really wanted to say was that we have to either go on or stop.’

  ‘Yes,’ she sighed.

  ‘You already knew that, didn’t you.’

  ‘Yes. But you know how I feel about affairs. I told you at the beginning—’

  ‘Once bitten, twice shy,’ he nodded.

  Julie flushed. ‘No, I didn’t say that.’

  ‘I guessed it. And I don’t want an affair.

  Julie, I—I want to marry you.’

  ‘M-marry me?’

  He gave a crooked smile. ‘Yes. Is it too much of a shock?’

  ‘I—It—Yes.’ She had expected an affair, but marriage? Steve had taken her aback completely.

  ‘I know,’ he sighed, his expression rueful. ‘I’m not exactly what you envisaged as husband material. I’m not what I had imagined as husband material either!’ he said self-derisively. ‘But we’re so good together, Julie, both professionally and privately.’

  Julie frowned, her eyes narrowing. ‘Professionally? Does that mean you would let me keep my career?’

  ‘Of course. You’re good, Julie, really good. We could be the first husband-and-wife team on the Daily Probe. Until the children come along, of course,’ he added with a grin.

  She stiffened, her expression distant. ‘You want children?’

  ‘Doesn’t every man?’ he shrugged.

  ‘Yes,’ she acknowledged bitterly. ‘But I don’t.’ She shook her head.

  ‘Maybe not now,’ Steve accepted. ‘You’re only twenty-six, we have plenty of time—’

  ‘You don’t understand,’ she cut in abruptly. ‘I mean I don’t want children, ever.’ Her voice was cold.

  ‘Julie…?’

  She sighed at his hurt expression. ‘Most women are maternal, I know that, but I’m not. And I never will be.’

  ‘You could change your mind—’

  ‘I won’t,’ she said with finality. ‘Oh, Steve, I told you not to get emotionally involved with me. I’m not interested in the sort of marriage you want, the little woman in front of the cooker, taking the children to school, rushing home to do the housework before you get home for your dinner. My mother’s sort of marriage,’ she shuddered.

  ‘Then just what the hell do you want?’ He was angry now, releasing her hand to glare at her. ‘You don’t want an affair, you don’t want marriage,’ he said agitatedly. ‘What do you want, Julie? You aren’t indifferent to physical pleasure, we both know that—’

  Her mouth twisted derisively. ‘Why is it men always go back to the physical?’ she taunted.

  ‘Because as far as I’m concerned it’s the only way I can reach you! For God’s sake, Julie, you have me tied up in knots. I’ve never met a woman like you before—you aren’t interested in marriage, you aren’t promiscuous, I just don’t know what to do with you! And you can stop smiling,’ he added crossly. ‘I’ve always been in control, now I don’t know what my name is half the time.’

  ‘Poor Steve!’ She ran teasing fingertips down his rigid jaw.

  ‘Don’t Julie…’ he groaned. ‘I’m serious about this.�
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  ‘I know,’ she said sadly.

  ‘And the answer is no,’ he said defeatedly. ‘I-‘

  ‘No, don’t answer yet, Julie,’ he cut in firmly. ‘Think about it while I’m away. If you don’t want children then we don’t have to have any. I just want you, as my wife.’

  ‘Steve-‘ “

  ‘I insist you think about it, Julie. Who knows,’ he gave a rueful smile, ‘you might even miss me.’

  ‘Oh, I will,’ she told him without hesitation.

  ‘That’s a start. Now let’s get out of here so that I can at least kiss you goodnight in privacy.’

  Julie tried once more to talk to him when they reached her flat, to explain, but now that the evening was coming to an end and they were to be parted for another week or so talking was the last thing Steve wanted to do. And once he began to kiss her, to touch her, she wasn’t interested in talking either.

  She lay in bed later that night, knowing that Steve was right; this heavy petting and nights spent alone was no longer enough for either of them. He had left her with obvious reluctance half an hour ago, and she still ached with unfulfilled desire, despite a cool shower.

  She was a normal woman, with a natural desire to be made love to, and saying no caused her as much physical disappointment as it did Steve. He would be a tender, unselfish lover, she knew that.

  But she couldn’t take him as a lover, and she couldn’t marry him either. She already had a husband, was married to a man she hadn’t seen for three years. She was married to Zachary Reedman!

  How shocked Steve would be if he knew the truth, if he knew that she hadn’t just stayed with Zack when she was in London, that she had in fact been his wife, had been married to him for a year before that last explosive argument.

  She had been loath to make the commitment to marriage in the first place, but Zack hadn’t allowed her to hesitate, had bulldozed her into marrying him as surely as he had controlled the rest of their relationship.

  She had hated him for it, and even now she refused to think about him too deeply.

  And yet in the night, as she struggled with her sleeplessness, she could have sworn she felt strong arms about her, male arms that comforted and protected, strong male arms, Zack’s arms…

  By morning she had put him out of her mind, and went out to the shops to buy toys for the children before driving out to Hampshire after lunch.

  It was a pleasant drive this time of year; the motorway out to Hampshire was one of the most scenic she had ever seen, edged by forests and heather, the mood of the drivers seeming to become less aggressive with the calm beauty that surrounded them. Julie kept to the slow lane, keeping the speed of her MG moderate, although she knew the small sports car was capable of doing better. Speed and danger were not something she wanted at the moment, wanting to stay in the slow lane, of life, as well as the motorway.

  She had spent a restless night, despite her urgent need of sleep. The fear and tension she had lived under for three days were still with her, refusing to be banished despite her safety. Once or twice she had managed to drift off to sleep only to come awake in a cold sweat, the memory of a gun being pointed at her making her tremble, and imaginary male arms were no comfort at those times.

  Today she was even more pale and drawn, make-up doing nothing to conceal her pallor— or the black and blue bruise below her eye, where the cut was at last beginning to heal over. Despite her claim to Connie yesterday that she felt fine she knew her friend would only have to take one look at her to disbelieve that. And maybe she would be right to. Shock finally seemed to have caught up with her, leaving her cold and shivering on a warm day, her eyes huge and haunted, dark smudges beneath their clouded greenness.

  Steve had remarked on her appearance when she had seen him off at the airport, and she had laughed off his concern, knowing that in his present frame of mind he could just refuse to go to Yugoslavia if he became too concerned about her. He had gone off happy, she had seen to that, although she would be a liar now if she didn’t admit that the sight of Connie and Ben’s house brought a sigh of relief from her.

  It was a nice house, a beautiful house, and Connie had made sure it was a homely house. It was large for a small family, having seven bedrooms, but Connie had somehow managed to give it the cosy atmosphere of a country cottage. It stood back off the road in its own grounds, completely fenced in because Nicholas liked to play out in the garden.

  But he wasn’t in the garden today, only the elderly gardener was there, weeding the flower-beds—or replanting flowers Nicholas had dug up, Julie thought ruefully. From what she had gathered from Connie this seemed to be one of the little boy’s favourite pastimes.

  The golden Labrador came out to greet her, Lady gently licking her hand as she went to get her case out of the boot of the car. As with the children, it was six months since she had seen the dog, and yet Lady hadn’t forgotten her, and her big brown eyes were as adoring as ever, her nose gently nuzzling.

  ‘I see Lady’s said hello,’ said a light female voice.

  Julie turned to find Connie coming out of the house, a young woman of her own age, with straight shoulder-length hair and laughing blue eyes. Those blue eyes darkened with concern as she looked at Julie.

  ‘God!’ she exclaimed.

  ‘I know,’ Julie gave a light laugh, hugging her friend, ‘I look awful.’

  ‘No-‘

  ‘Yes, I do,’ she insisted without self-pity. ‘But it’s just lack of sleep and the bruise—’

  ‘That’s where he hit you?’ Connie looked at her searchingly.

  ‘Yes,’ she nodded.

  ‘Animal!’ her friend said vehemently.

  ‘Connie!’ Julie smiled.

  ‘Well, he is. Picking on a poor defenceless woman!’

  ‘That poor defenceless woman was hitting liim at the time,’ she admitted ruefully.

  ‘You were?’ Connie said disbelievingly.

  ‘Yes, you see—’

  ‘Let’s go inside,’ Connie suggested warmly. ‘We can have a cup of tea and chat before the children wake from their naps.’

  Julie’s eyes widened. ‘They’re still asleep?’

  ‘Yes,’ Connie laughed. ‘Haven’t you noticed how quiet it is?’

  ‘Well…’

  ‘Make the most of it,’ her friend advised. ‘Once they’re awake there won’t be a moment’s peace.’

  She followed Connie through into the lounge, sitting down opposite her friend. ‘Where’s Ben?’

  ‘At work,’ Connie grimaced. ‘Zack’s out of the country at the moment, so he’s kept pretty busy at the office.’

  Benjamin Reedman was Zack’s personal assistant, knew almost as much about the newspaper business as Zack did, and the two brothers worked well together, almost tele-pathetically.

  ‘Would you mind if I went upstairs and freshened up before tea?’ Julie asked brightly.

  ‘Of course,’ Connie nodded instantly. ‘Take all the time you want.’

  Julie leant back weakly against the bathroom door once she got upstairs. She shouldn’t have come here, she knew she shouldn’t. Talking of Zack was second nature to Connie, she could have no idea how it upset her. And she still had the children to greet yet. Nicholas, who looked so much like Zack he could have been the son he had wanted…

  She was calm again when she returned to the lounge, where Connie was in the process of pouring out the tea.

  Her friend smiled. ‘I think I hear the gentle sound of my son coming down the stairs,’ she said as a loud noise could be heard in the hallway.

  Julie’s heart contracted. ‘I hope I didn’t wake them,’ she said stiffly.

  ‘No,’ her friend shook her head. ‘It’s two-thirty, I can more or less set my watch by them.’

  At that moment the door opened and Nicholas Reedman came into the room, a boy tall for his three years, very thin, with huge grey eyes and unruly dark curls. He looked even more like Zack than when Julie had last seen him, and her breath caught in
her throat. He was exactly the sort of child Zack would have liked for his own, and she felt sure he doted on his small niece and nephew, just as he would have doted on his own child…

  The little boy eyed her warily, walking around the furniture to his mother, his gaze never leaving Julie, and he clutched his mother’s dress as he reached her side.

  ‘I thought you said he remembered me,’ Julie teased abruptly.

  ‘He does,’ Connie insisted. ‘Nicholas, this is Aunty Julie,’ she prompted.

  ‘Julie?’ His expression brightened.

  ‘That’s right,’ Julie reassured him softly. ‘And I bought you a present.’

  ‘Police car!’ he exclaimed excitedly.

  ‘No, that was last time,’ she laughed. This meeting with Nicholas was going off easier than she had thought it would. After all, he wasn’t the baby she remembered any more, but a sturdy little boy. It was so easy to love him. ‘I’ve bought you something else this time.’

  ‘Bribery and corruption!’ her friend muttered as Nicholas exclaimed over the farm she had bought him.

  ‘Maybe, but it works,’ she laughed as Nicholas hugged her, her arms tightening convulsively before she released him.

  Suzanne turned out to be more like her mother, with baby blonde curls and huge blue eyes, quite grown up for just over a year old, and she loved the rotating activity centre Julie had bought for her.

  ‘You love all this, don’t you?’ Julie said to her friend as the children played happily at their feet. ‘Being a wife and mother,’ she explained at Connie’s questioning look. ‘And I don’t mean that disparagingly.’

  ‘I know you don’t,’ Connie accepted softly. ‘And yes, I love it—as much as you like working on the newspaper. You still enjoy it as much?’

  ‘Yes.’ It was her whole life, she could never imagine being without it. In fact, if it hadn’t been for the anchor of her job she doubted she would have survived the trauma that had followed her break-up with Zack.

  ‘Even after—’ Connie broke off, biting her lip. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Don’t keep apologising,’ Julie shook her head. ‘Even after the last few days I still want to carry on reporting.’

  ‘Is it worth it?’

  ‘Yes,’ she replied emphatically.