by Susan Adrian
“Enough,” I say, an edge in my voice. They all turn to me, startled.
“No, Jake, it’s okay,” Mom says. “In a plane crash,” she says to Ana. I can hear her trying to keep it even, and I want to step in and stop her. She doesn’t have to say this. She doesn’t have to tell them this. It’s on the record, anyway. They know it. “In the mountains, in Colorado. The plane crashed into a mountain, in a storm.” Her voice cracks. “It was terrible.”
I’m there again. High up in the mountains, the small group huddled around the memorial marker they’d put up against the cliff. Everyone except us and Dedushka dressed in air force blue. The cold, bitter tang of the air, the taste of salt on my lips. Myk pressed up close against me, dry eyed, still. And then afterward, the three of us doing Glue against the marker, our hands shaking.
The sense of emptiness. Betrayal. How could he do this to us?
Ana’s eyes are on me. I meet them, unflinching. Enough.
“Ah,” she says quietly. It’s another moment before she turns to Mom. “I am so sorry.”
Mom waves it away. She clears her throat, excuses herself, and comes back with a glass of red wine. Myk’s hair falls across her face, a curtain of black.
We eat. Nobody says anything for a long time.
Then Mom pushes aside her plate, pulls her wine glass to her. Her fingers curl around it, like she’s hugging it. “I have a peculiar story to tell. Guess what happened to me today?”
“What?” Myk asks.
“I thought I saw some men following me.”
My gaze shoots straight to Ana’s.
“What do you mean?” I ask. “Who was following you?”
“Well. It’s probably silly. But I was on my walk at lunch—and suddenly I just felt … watched.” She laughs a little. “You know what I mean? Like eyes on your back?”
I don’t answer. I know what she means.
“So I got tricky and I hid around a corner, then turned back to look. And there was someone there. Two men, in navy suits. They went right past me, but they did look like they were searching for someone.” She gulps the last of her wine and looks around the table, like she wants us to laugh it off. “I went back to work another way. I know, it sounds ridiculous. I sound like your Grandpa. But it was just one of those feelings. I felt so sure.”
“That is weird, Mom.” My face feels as heavy as concrete. I strain to smile. “But I’m sure it’s fine. It’s probably nothing.”
I toss a glance at Ana. Help me.
“I agree,” she says carefully. “Probably just Washington suits, yes? There are men everywhere in Washington in suits. Maybe lost, looking for the right building.”
Mom sighs, taps at her glass. It rings, a high musical note. “You’re probably right.”
Myk doesn’t say anything, her gaze on Mom. Evaluating.
“I … I think I’m done,” I say. “Ana, can I help you clear?”
We both stand. I grab some silverware and plates and walk, as deliberately as I can, to the kitchen. Ana’s behind me.
“Stay calm,” she says in my ear, as soon as we’re out of sight. “We do not know yet what it is.”
I spin. “Stay calm?” I repeat, hoarse. “It’s my mother. Someone’s after my mother. What is going on?”
She brings her face close to mine, her voice lower. “They could have been ours. It could have been nothing. It could be her imagination.”
“But it wasn’t, was it?” My throat feels raw. “She’s in danger. And the man today…” I clench my jaw. “I have to talk to Liesel. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“Jake.” She squeezes my shoulders hard. “I need you to go to your room and try to calm down. I will speak with Dr. Miller and we will work this out. If there is a threat, we will protect them. And you. I promise you.”
I suck in, out, through my mouth, nod. Go down the hall to my room and sit in my chair, trying not to panic.
We have to keep the two of them safe. No matter what else happens. That’s the only thing that’s important.
Out of the corner of my eye I see the tiny shape of a surveillance camera, back in place in my bookcase, pointed at me.
I leave it there.
* * *
Ana slips into my room about ten. Liesel didn’t know anything, but they’re investigating. Hopefully they’ll have answers soon. In the meantime, she promises me twice the security on all three of us. Until we figure out what’s going on, if there really is a credible threat and why it’s popped up again, Mom and Myk will have bodyguards too. Though they won’t know about it.
It makes me feel a little better. Not better enough to sleep more than a few minutes at a time, though. I lie there, useless, the thoughts whipping through my head.
I promised Dedushka I wouldn’t let this ruin their lives. I promised Dad, a long time ago, that I’d take care of them, if anything happened to him. That I’d never tell Mom about any of this.
I promised myself I’d keep them safe, no matter what.
I’m not keeping them safe. I’m endangering them. If they’re threatened, it’s because of me. Because of who I am. Because of the choices I’ve made.
At 4:00 a.m. I go to Mom’s room, to check. She’s sound asleep, tucked on her side. I look at her for a long time, her curls all wild, mouth open. At the picture of Dad on the nightstand, frozen in time in his uniform. Then I go to Myka. She has one arm over Horse tonight, her hair in a thick braid down her back. She looks soft, small. Vulnerable.
Damn it. I curl up a fist and bang it silently on the doorframe.
“Go to bed, Jake,” Ana whispers. She stands behind me in the hall, in shorts and a T-shirt, hair loose around her shoulders. “You must get some sleep.”
I meet her eyes, glinting in the faint light. “Would you?”
She’s silent. Then she sets a warm hand on my arm, and nudges me down the hall. “No. I was up also. Shall I make some coffee? We can sit and talk.”
I consider it. But I don’t want to be inside right now. “I want to go for a walk.”
Her forehead pinches. “Now? It is dark, and freezing. It must be ten degrees out there.”
“I don’t care.”
She shakes her head. “We need to be more cautious now. It is not secure—”
“Ana. Please.” I whisper it loud, urgent. “I want to be outside. Just for a while.”
She thinks it over, sighs. “Dress warm. I will meet you in the kitchen.”
* * *
We amble down my street side by side. Another man, in a thick jacket, walks ahead of us, another a ways behind. Plenty secure, for 4:00 A.M.
I let the air fill my lungs, tingle in my nose. I’ve walked this street so many times. Dad and I used to do it, just the two of us, to talk. The past two years Myk and I would walk it sometimes, to talk about Dad or life without upsetting Mom. In the day, though, or maybe the evening. At this hour it’s so quiet, dark. We move from streetlight to streetlight, the spaces between—only pockets of shadow.
Ana doesn’t speak, gloved hands in her coat, respecting my silence.
When we get to the end of the street where we usually turn, I stop. Stare at my feet.
“I don’t know what to do,” I say, low.
“Do?”
I look at her, so composed. Reassuring. “If there’s a threat you can’t control. Do I stop? Do I give in and go somewhere secure, to keep them safe, like Liesel wanted me to before?”
I’m shaky with cold. With fear.
It’s giving up … everything. I don’t know if I could do it, even if I decide I should.
“I’m eighteen…” I swallow. “How can I—”
Ana folds me in her arms, squeezes. I didn’t expect it, but I hug her back. She’s warm.
Girls, too. I’d be giving up girls, wouldn’t I? Rachel … just when it was starting.… Oh, God.
Ana pulls back. “Do not decide anything yet. There is still a chance it will be okay. That it is nothing, or we can contain it.”
> I nod slowly. I wish I knew what kind of chance we’re talking about. On a Magic 8 ball, would it be Outlook good or Better not tell you now?
“But if it’s bad. I will have to decide, won’t I? It’ll come to that.”
She runs a hand down my arm lightly. “It may come to that, Jake. It may not even be a decision you get to make.”
That does not make it better.
We turn and walk back in the hard, vicious cold, and she makes a pot of coffee.
We don’t speak. There’s nothing to say, the thoughts whirling in endless loops. We sit at the table across from each other and drink coffee until we hear Mom start moving around. Then we split up. Ana starts breakfast, and I go into my room, sit on my bed, prepare myself.
To see what the day will bring.
18
“Gone” by Black Lab
Liesel calls Ana before breakfast: they’re still gathering intelligence on the threat. With the extra security, we’ll be safe. We’re all supposed to go about our usual routines as though nothing has happened, until she knows more.
Ana suggested I call in sick from school—after two nights of no sleep, I must look pretty pitiful. I barely even managed to shave. Liesel overruled her. We can’t get anyone suspicious that we realize anything is wrong.
So I trudge off. Even driving Myk to school I feel odd, like there’s a fogged-up bubble between me and everything else.
“You okay?” Myk asks, when I drop her off.
I scrape together a smile. “Fine, dorkus. Just tired. You take care today, all right?”
She nods, still frowning, pulls on her Little Einsteins backpack, and takes off.
“Love you, munchkin,” I say, under my breath. I watch her go all the way into her building before I leave.
The rest of the morning is a blur. I do calc problems badly, take illegible notes in world history and English, and do a piss-poor job of listening to Chris freak out about final rehearsal tonight and opening night tomorrow.
I don’t even know if I’ll be here for opening night. That’s all I can think about. Not how the choreography is falling apart and they had to re-do the blocking, or how the costumes aren’t ready. But I try to listen. It’s important to him.
I talk to Rachel a little before class, but I don’t know what I’m saying. She keeps looking at me strangely. Again I get the feeling she’s the only one who notices that everything is wrong.
I ache to tell her, to talk openly about all this. But I can’t endanger her too.
Eric gives me space, but keeps an eye on me. He seems tense. Maybe that’s just me projecting my own tenseness. It’s like there are bees humming under my skin.
At study hall Eric decides that going across to the graveyard today wouldn’t be “productive enough to mitigate the security risk.” We stay in the library and I actually crack the books and work on my project. It’s the one thing I’m able to focus on all day. Diving into family histories, names and dates and stories. Other realities.
At lunch, Eric and I sit with the usual group—all losing their freaking minds about Oklahoma—and eat pizza. Midway through a story of Kadeem’s, Eric’s phone buzzes.
He glances at the number, gets up, and takes it outside. I try not to freak out.
I fail.
When he comes back, he heads straight for me. “Jake.” His voice sounds odd, thick. “I’ve got to go pick up something for my dad, and I could use a hand. You want to come with?”
I look at him, the rest of them: Chris, Kadeem, Jeff. They’re mildly curious. I want to say something. Do something, in case the news is bad.
I look over at Rachel, at the other table. She’s watching me too, eyebrows down. She doesn’t smile this time. But neither do I. I can’t manage it.
I stand up. “Sure. See you guys later.” I hold up a hand, and they all say good-bye. Go back to their pizza, their jokes. I look at Rachel again … then go.
When we get outside, Eric strides ahead, jerky, all the way to his car at the far end of the lot, and unlocks the doors without a word. We get in. He turns to face me, the freckles standing out on his cheeks.
“Tell me,” I say.
“There was an attempt to kidnap Myka. She’s okay, I want you to know that first. But it was a serious attempt. They were armed. We think they were trying to take her as leverage to get you.”
Fear surges up, clawing at me. Myka. “She’s okay,” I repeat, like a robot.
“We stopped them without her knowing anything had happened. She’s completely fine. I just checked, and your mom’s fine, safe in her office.”
I give him a long, searching look. “I’m checking myself.”
“Jake,” he says, sharp. “No.” I ignore him. I find the note in my wallet, pinch it between my fingers. Go to Myka.
She’s sitting in class at Nysmith, in a circle of chairs. There’s a teacher—a tall man with a dark ponytail—in the center chair, talking about physics. Vectors, describing projectiles with numbers. Myka stops, pauses when she senses me. Love you, I think, as hard as I can. Everything’s okay. Everything will be okay. She calms, as she always has.
I come out of it. Eric’s watching me, his expression like a rumble of thunder. Ominous.
I don’t know what to do with my hands. They feel huge, awkward. “She’s okay. Now tell me the rest.”
He sighs, life hissing out of him. He looks old.
“Dr. Miller confirmed that the men following your mother weren’t ours. These obviously weren’t ours. They’re targeting your family, and we still don’t know who they are.” He pauses. “We can’t contain it, not fast enough to guarantee your safety, or theirs.”
I stare through the glass at the huddle of brick buildings I know so well, where I’ve spent most of my days for four years.
“It’s over. Isn’t it? Liesel said that’s it?” I look at him. If I didn’t know already, it’s there, in his eyes.
“Dr. Miller has determined it’s become too difficult to control. It’s dangerous, for all of you. With you gone, with no doubts about that, they will leave your family alone. It’s the only way now.”
With me gone.
No, screams a thousand parts of my brain. No no no no.
Gone.
I knew this could happen, since last night. Since before that, if I admit it to myself. I knew it might come to this if I wanted them to be safe, if I wanted to fulfill all my promises. I didn’t think it would be so soon. It’s over. Last night was my last with my family. My last night out here.
My God.
“Swear to me,” I say, fierce. “If I go away, go where you want, you’ll keep them safe. Nothing will happen to them.”
He extends his hand, and I shake it. Both our palms are damp. “I swear. Absolutely.”
I breathe in, out. “Okay.”
It’s done. That simple. And that excruciatingly hard.
We don’t speak for a while. I don’t want to step past this moment. I don’t want to go any further. But I have to.
“What happens now?”
Eric’s under control again, professional. His voice is perfectly even. “Ana is on her way, with the van. She’ll give you something to put you out. Then you’ll be transported to a secure facility.”
“Unconscious?”
He makes a face. “It’s protocol, and necessary. I don’t even know where you’re going, Jake. That’s why it’s secure.”
I can’t wrap my head around it. Any of it. Except one thing. “My family? What will they think happened to me? Do I just disappear?”
He shifts. Looks down.
“Eric.”
He meets my eyes head-on. “The story is we went for a drive, you and me. And I was reckless, or drunk, or distracted. They’ll have a reason. I drove the car into a tree, and it exploded. We’ll both be dead, burned beyond recognition. But we’ll be identified. There won’t be any doubt.”
“They’ll think I’m dead?” The word scrapes out of my mouth. Dead. “I didn’t think … but
you can’t tell them that. It will kill them.”
“No, it won’t.” He’s firm now. “That’s the point, Jake. It’ll be awful, but clean. Far better than you being missing, the uncertainty, searches. They’ll live through it. Keep living. They’ll get past it. But most important, your enemies will believe you’re dead. And your family will be safe.”
I think of how hard it had been to lose Dad. How goddamned hard it will be for the two of them, alone. I won’t even be able to tunnel to Myka again, or she’ll know I’m there, still alive.
But we had gone on, after Dad was gone. They would too. Jesus Jesus Jesus.
“Can I see them again?” I ask. Plead. “One more time? Can we drive by or something, just to see?”
“I’m sorry. No. But you’re doing the right thing. It will be best for everyone, in the end. Now.” He clears his throat. “It’s time. I need you to give me your personal effects, for the cover. Phone, keys, watch.”
“Not the watch. The watch goes with me.”
He sighs. “But you always wear it. If they don’t find it…” He sees my face, stops. “Okay. We’ll think of something for the watch. But give me the rest.”
I give him my phone, keys, backpack. I don’t give him Dedushka’s ring, a solid lump in my pocket. I consider it, letting Dedushka believe I’m dead too. But some small part of me wants him to know. Wants someone to know I didn’t die in a meaningless car crash today. That I’d done this voluntarily, for them. He’ll know, when he sees wherever I go. He won’t be able to get me, but he’ll know.
Suddenly Rachel comes out the front doors. She doesn’t have a coat on, and her arms are crossed over her chest, like she’s protecting herself from the cold. She stops there on the sidewalk, searching around the parking lot.
She’s looking for me.
“She knows,” I whisper.
Eric was watching her too, but that makes him whip toward me. “She knows? You told her about us? My god, Jake—”
“No.” I stare at her hard, like I can beam thoughts into her head from here. I’m here. Come save me. “I didn’t say anything. She knows something’s wrong. She senses it.” She bites her lip, and she looks so cold. Alone.
I’m going to be alone.