by Keary Taylor
“I’m pretty sure I owe you an apology, about earlier,” I say, my throat thick with pride. “I was being a bitch, and I’m sorry about that.”
Lake shakes his head just a little. “No you don’t. I know what stress does to people. They say things.”
I look at him for a moment. His eyes are somewhere in Trooper’s stall, but they’re glazed over, like he’s thinking about something far away.
“Still,” I say. “I’m sorry. I’ve been pretty frosty to you ever since you got here.”
“I understand why,” he says. He reaches up and scratches at his jaw. He looks like he hasn’t shaved since he got in. A week’s worth of beard growth looks good on him.
I’m quiet for a while. I’ve got a tangled pit of snakes inside of me, tight and twisted. But I can’t let them stay there forever. The venom will destroy me.
“I thought about joining the Corps, you know,” I say. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but it’s a peace offering, I suppose. “Just after I graduated. The red, white, and blue are in my blood, and to say I worshiped the ground my dad walked on would be an understatement.”
“Why didn’t you?” Lake asks. He looks over at me, those complicated eyes meeting mine.
I shrug. “Cause I felt like I was running away by doing that. Running away from the ranch. Running from other stuff that I needed to deal with.”
He looks away, to the stall again. “A lot of people join cause they’re running away from something.”
“How about you?” I ask. “Is that why you joined?”
He doesn’t answer right away. He reaches down and grabs a stray piece of straw and twirls it between two fingers. Like I said, everything with Lake is calm and calculated. “I joined to prove to myself that I wasn’t a worthless bad guy.”
Once again, the silence stretches between us for a while. “That sounds like there’s a story behind that statement.”
“There is,” he says and leaves it at that.
I grab a piece of straw too and weave it between my fingers. “You don’t have a whole lot to say about anything, do you?” It’s a blunt question, but it’s how I am. At least how I used to be.
Lake looks over at me, one of his eyebrows arching up slightly. He shrugs. “I’m not a complicated guy.”
We look at each other, and it almost feels like there’s a challenge between us, as if I should prove him wrong. “Everyone’s complicated.”
“Not me,” he says before looking away.
Liar.
I realize then that everything about Lake, I can’t help but compare to Cal. Cal was upbeat and likable. Lake is quiet and standoffish. Cal could talk and tell stories all night long. Lake doesn’t say more than is needed.
Lake isn’t Cal. So why do I keep comparing them?
Why does it matter, noticing the differences between them?
“What was it like?” I ask, trying to distract myself from my thoughts. “Being in the Corps? So much of my life has revolved around the Marines, but I don’t think I can really picture what it’s like.”
Lake shifts his position, trying to get more uncomfortable. And it’s clear to see that me asking him such a question makes him uncomfortable.
“It’s not really something you can explain,” he says quietly. And it’s almost as if I can feel him being pulled into another place. A war zone. Boot camp. Some other terrible place. “There’s the structure and the hard work. There’s the training. But being out in the actual field? There’s nothing that can prepare you for it.”
He clears his throat. His twists the hem of his shirt, his eyes glued to it. “And the first time you kill someone is something that changes you. You know they’re just a casualty in a much bigger picture, but they’re still a person. It’s pretty rough.” The sound of Lake’s voice changes. It’s haunted. “And then it happens again and it doesn’t really feel any better or easier. Eventually you just want to shut it off, but flipping that switch? That’s the moment you lose yourself.”
I reach a hand out, putting it on Lake’s forearm. I know being a soldier isn’t an easy thing, but hearing it in his own words, hearing the terror he must have felt in the past echoed in his voice now? I feel like a horrible person for bringing it up.
Lake looks over at my hand and puts one of his own over mine. “That’s why it was so easy being Cal’s friend.”
He looks up and meets my eyes, and there’s something deep and reflective there. I stare back at him and something squeezes in my chest.
“Cal had this way about him that made it seem like nothing ever stuck to him,” Lake continues. “Not that he acted like he was heartless or that none of it mattered to him, but he could just internalize it all and push out something better. Something hopeful and cheerful. He could always make anyone smile.”
A small smile pulls on my own lips as he talks about the man that once held my heart. “Were you two really best friends?”
Still holding my eyes, Lake forms a tiny smile of his own and nods his head. “I never had a better friend than Cal. He didn’t care that I was closed off and didn’t always want to talk and tell stories about home. He’d just tell me to sit down and go off about his stupid high school stories, or his parents, or this girl at home who he always made sure we all knew was the most beautiful woman on the planet.” My face flushes at that. “Cal was just…easy to be around. And there aren’t that many people like that for me.”
I sniff, trying to pull back in the emotion that wants to escape me. I wrap my arms around Lake’s and hug myself tight to him. I lay my head on his shoulder and just sit there for a few minutes.
Lake isn’t Cal. But sitting there with him, it feels like Cal isn’t quite as far away.
“Thank you,” I say quietly. “I miss him. It’s nice hearing about him every once in a while.”
For just a moment, Lake leans his head down, resting his scruffy cheek on top of my head. “You’re welcome. I miss him too.”
And a comfortable silence settles on us for a good long while.
For the first time in a long time, I feel the hard knot in my chest loosen just a bit.
“I know this isn’t great timing and that you don’t really like or trust me that much, but I wanted to ask for a favor,” Lake says after a long stretch of quiet.
“What’s that?” I say, instead of countering the statement that I don’t like or trust him. I’m still not sure on that front.
“I told you how my sister and brother-in-law are part of this big company in Bellevue,” he says as I let him go and sit up. “I don’t really understand what it’s for, but the company is throwing them this big party and Sage invited all the family. Drake and Kaylee are getting a babysitter. Kale’s coming home from New York for a week. Sage is insisting the both of us bring dates.”
My insides stiffen up and it’s immediately obvious my discomfort is showing on the outside.
“You really don’t have to,” Lake rushes on. “I just literally don’t know anyone to bring, and I thought if you just showed up with me, that she’d get off my back about it. It wouldn’t really be like a real date. You’d just be doing me a huge favor.”
I bite my lower lip, staring at Trapper in the next stall over from Trooper.
The last time I went on a date was with Cal, and even then, when you’re engaged to someone, it’s hard to call it a date. No one has asked me out in years. And I’ve barely considered the possibility of men asking me out after Cal died.
“Sorry, forget I said anything,” Lake says, shaking his head and looking away from me. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“No,” I say, surprising myself when I place a hand on his arm, a comforting gesture. “It’s really okay. It’s just… I haven’t done anything…like that, not since Cal died.”
He looks back at me. His eyes are distant, but I swear I can see something swimming just under the surface there. “I know.”
He doesn’t say how he can know, and maybe that should bug me, him
saying something like that. But it doesn’t. It’s actually kind of comforting. Like he understands how much Cal meant to me, and how much it crushed my soul when he jumped in front of that IED.
“But if you mean it, that it’s not really a date, I’ll go,” I say. My stomach is full of nerves and uncertainty, but the words come out clear and calm. “You’ve helped out a lot here, I owe you.”
He shakes his head, as if to once again argue that he’s still in my debt for what Cal did, but he doesn’t say it and for that I’m glad.
“Thanks,” he replies. “It’s, uh, it’s a pretty swanky event. My sister wouldn’t have it any other way. So, wear a dress. A nice one. Sage said she already bought me a tux.”
“A tux?” I ask, my eyebrows rising. “So this is like, a black tie event?”
“Yeah,” he says with a chuckle. “Like I said, my sister’s kind of like that.”
I try not to let my lips curl in a sneer. Lake’s sister sounds like the exact opposite of everything I am. I tell myself to not hate her before I’ve even met her.
“You’ve only got a deal if you make Kale take a picture with me,” I tease him, trying to keep the lighter mood we’ve somehow miraculously managed to pull out of thin air. “My friend will never believe I’ve met him otherwise.”
Lake chuckles and gives me a side long look. “Trust me, Kale is not camera shy. You’ll be lucky if he doesn’t take his shirt off and flex for you too.”
“No, I imagine he isn’t shy,” I say with a chuckle. I grab my pillow and curl up into a little ball with it. My eyelids feel heavy and my brain slow. The craziness of the day is weighing me sleepy.
“You can close your eyes for a while,” Lake says, looking down at me. “I can keep an eye on him for a bit.”
I shake my head, even though my eyes are closed. “I’m sure you’re tired too. You’ve been up as long as I have.”
“Long nights don’t bother me.”
Of course they don’t.
“Wake me when you get tired,” I say. “I can go get something to keep me awake.”
“’K,” he responds.
It doesn’t take more than a minute or two for me to slip into sleep.
CHAPTER SIX
When you’ve lost someone, nighttime is often the worst. Dreams come and your mind can make up whatever it wants most.
But then you wake up, and it’s like losing them all over again.
Cal’s blue eyes are so bright as he smiles at me. Sensual and playful, those lips curl to perfection. My fingers run through his sandy blond hair. His hand slips under my shirt and runs up my bare back. His knee wedges its way between mine, his thigh sliding up the inside of my own.
My back arches, aching to be closer to him.
“Riley,” he whispers into my neck. His hand pulls me closer.
“Cal,” I say and my voice threatens to crack. My throat feels thick.
“What’s the matter, Angel?”
“Cal,” I breathe.
“What?”
My eyes fly open and I’m staring straight up at Lake.
He’s sitting with his back against the wall still, rubbing his eyes and looking around kind of confused. He looks down at me like he’s not sure why I’m here.
I’m not sure why I’m here either.
Cause I’m freaking lying on his leg like it’s a pillow.
“Good morning,” a chipper voice calls through the barn and my heart leaps into my throat. Just before I can sit up, Jesse walks through the door of the barn, medical bag in hand. “Oh…” he trails off awkwardly when he catches the last few milliseconds of my slumber in Lake’s lap. “Uh, sorry,” he says, looking away and shaking his head. “I, uh…thought I’d get an early start on rounds. Figured you’d be up.”
I scramble off the cot, glancing at Lake with horror in my eyes. He’s almost got some kind of emotion in his eyes. Pretty sure it’s just there under the surface.
“I…yeah,” I say awkwardly as I push my hair back from my face. I try to discreetly wipe at my mouth because I’m pretty sure there are traces of drool there. “Sorry, we, uh…We stayed up late last night with Trooper and I guess I dozed off.”
I look back at Lake, who’s stood and is walking toward the hay room to start the morning rounds. “We dozed off,” I add quietly as I watch him go.
Lake glances over his shoulder at me, and I try to read any emotion there.
But I can’t.
“Okay,” Jesse says awkwardly. “How about we check on Trooper?”
“Yeah,” I say uncomfortably.
It’s a little worse than we expect. Jesse has to cut away some dead tissue. He has to knock Trooper out for this and it kills me seeing him like this. Lying on the ground, his eyes not quite closed, not quite open. He looks like he could be dead.
When Jesse is done, he and I head inside to the office and call the owners. They’re shocked at first and have a hard time understanding how something like this could have happened. I walk them through it a few times and then hand the phone over to Jesse. He explains the medical details and what they can expect to happen over the next few months. They’re in shock, but they aren’t saying they want to fire or sue me. They make an appointment to come out here tomorrow and take a look themselves.
“See, sometimes these rich people are reasonable,” Jesse says when we hang up. “They’re not all jerks.”
“Not all of them,” I say with a sigh of relief. “If it had been Sir Devil’s owners, they’d be drawing up a lawsuit right now.”
“I hate dealing with people like them,” he says, shaking his head. “Have you ever dealt with the Ratons?”
“Not yet,” I say. I stand and head for the back door.
“Don’t. Ever,” he says, following me and pushing the door open for me.
We stand on the back porch, looking out over the ranch. The sun is trying to break through the clouds, but they’re thick from the storm yesterday. Lake’s truck is gone. I assume he’s gone to the hardware store, and since Mom is missing, he must have taken her with him.
I glance over at Jesse, and it’s pretty obvious he’s also thinking about the man he found me literally sleeping with.
My instinct is to explain myself. Nothing happened. But I don’t have to. This is my life, and it is my business.
“Are you coming to the church barbeque Saturday?” he asks, wisely, instead.
I stuff my hands in my pockets and look out toward the pasture. There should be horses in it right now, but considering the muddy mess it is, it doesn’t seem wise. “Maybe. I know Mom’s planning on it.”
“Well, if you do come, be sure to find me,” he says with a small, thin lipped smile. He mutters a goodbye and heads for his truck.
I watch him drive away and duck back inside. I collect Dad’s flag from the office and head out to the flagpole. Connecting it to the rope, I hoist it up into the late morning sky. I watch it unfurl, waving in the spring air.
“I miss you, Dad,” I say quietly. “Every day. Wish you were still here. I could use someone to talk to. I feel like a bit of a mess lately.”
My eyes still locked on the flag, I quietly wait. For the peaceful calm I always feel when I talk to him here.
Benjamin James was a respected man. He commanded attention when he walked into a room and he gave orders that his soldiers never questioned. He was an incredible leader.
But at home, he was kind. He was always firm, and I never got away with anything, but he was a wonderful dad. The kind that would take me fishing early Saturday mornings. We’d talk about stupid, light things, and then we’d talk about heavier stuff, like the afterlife and if there was life on other planets. He was the kind of man that could make you feel like you were the only person in the world.
There’s always an ache when I stand here at the flagpole and listen to the wind, hoping to catch a whisper of his voice.
But there’s also peace. And I always find it here.
Finally, I head inside and the stairs
creek as I walk up them. Still clad in my sweats, it’s time to get ready for the day. I open my door and step inside.
It takes me until I pull some underwear out of the drawer to notice the wrapped up present sitting on top of it.
I smile, thinking it was awful thoughtful of Mom to get me something when she knew I’ve been having a rough few days. I pull the lid off.
Lying in the middle of the padding is a tiny horseshoe. It’s attached to a bronze-colored necklace. It’s adorable and sweet. I slip it around my neck and make a mental note to thank Mom for it later.
I take the horses out, one by one and lunge them in the indoor practice arena. Trapper, Lady, Radio. And then I let Sir Devil out.
He does his usual bucking and kicking when he first gets let out of his stall. He snorts, crow hops, and works up a sweat. He runs around the area with all the speed he’s got in him. Which is a lot. He was bred to be a runner. I watch him from the edge of the arena. He keeps looking at me, and he is aware of me with every stride he takes.
This is all for show. He’s bullied his owners into thinking he’s untouchable, and he’s trying his hardest to do the same with me.
It isn’t going to work though. It might take some time, but eventually, I will ride on his back. And he will obey and trust me.
I left Radio tied up at the hitch, and I cross over to him, my boots kicking through the sand and dirt beneath my feet. I loop the lead line over his neck and tie it to the other side of his halter for reins. Radio doesn’t much need them, but considering Sir Devil is in close proximity, I’d rather play it a little safer. I scale the panel next to Radio and slip onto his back, no saddle.
I click my tongue at him and guide him out into the arena, where Sir Devil has slowed it to trotting in circles. The second he sees us, he sprints again, kicking his back feet up in a display of dominance. I just chuckle and shake my head at him.
Radio and I walk around the arena twice, even though Radio is already well warmed up from me lunging him. But I want to show Sir Devil that we aren’t here to race and that even though he’s throwing a fit, I don’t care.