“Huh?”
“I said okay. I’ll go with you. When is it again?”
Alex was elated. “This Saturday. You might read some of the signs up all over school.”
“If you act like a smartass, I won’t go.”
He held up his hands in surrender and began backing out toward the doors before she changed her mind.
“What’s it called again?” she asked.
“The Promise Dance.”
“What does that mean? What am I promisin’?”
He shrugged. “Nothin’. It’s just a name.”
She eyed him suspiciously. “Okay.” Then before he could leave, she realized she didn’t have a ride now that the buses had stopped running. She hated to ask, but…“Would you mind givin’ me a ride home?”
“No. I mean…sure. Let me get my stuff.” He put on his cool face. “Meet you back here in five?”
She nodded, smiling to herself, then took another shot.
* * *
The cafeteria was decorated to reflect the seventies theme of the dance—a disco ball hanging overhead, brown and orange crepe paper strung everywhere, and the sounds of Donna Summer and Chic pounding the walls. Boys were dressed in silk shirts unbuttoned halfway down their chests with gold medallions hanging around their necks, and girls wore blouses with crazy patterns and bell bottoms.
Kelly Madison stood arm in arm with Bryan Preston, former paste eater and the boy she hadn’t stopped talking about for the past two months. Bryan had curly brown hair and squinty Richard Gere eyes. She kept smoothing down his hair to make it appear straighter. Jess could tell that Kelly would be one of those wives who tries to change her husband until she gets the version of him that she wants.
Jess was locked inside Alex’s firm, proud grip, standing as tall as he in her platform shoes. This was as glamorous as anyone would see her, decked out in a black shirt and white pants. She’d done her blond hair a little differently, feathering it back in typical seventies fashion. A hint of eye shadow and eyeliner, borrowed from her sister, accentuated her blue eyes. Lip gloss that sparkled under the disco ball made her features more noticeable in the dim, ambient lighting.
Jess was largely oblivious to the unusual place she held in the hierarchy of high school. In general, a female athlete was mostly admired by other female athletes. But a cute female athlete who attracted a football player? That caused talk. Luckily for Jess, it was mostly positive talk. To top it off, her indifference to boys often was read as a bizarre confidence not typically found in the female of the species, at least not in high school.
Kelly spotted Jess and Alex and rushed over to take Jess’s hands, squealing, “Look at you! All glammed up!”
Jess could hear a tinge of jealousy. In other words, “Look at you. You’re not supposed to look better than me.”
“Hey,” Jess said, trying to appear comfortable in what she felt were ridiculous shoes.
“I’ll get us some punch,” Bryan said. He gave Jess a quick wink, though he’d never spoken with her much.
Alex kept scratching his chest. “Dang polyester. I can’t believe people wore this stuff.” He went with Bryan to the punch table.
With the boys away at the punch bowl, Kelly cornered Jess. “Isn’t this great?” She assumed a model pose. “Not everyone’s got dates,” she said secretively, glancing at some of their teammates.
Lisa Kelger was standing with a group of girls against the wall, snickering and gossiping about all the couples.
“We’ve got the hottest dates here.” Kelly was dramatic. Then suddenly her eyes narrowed, her body stiffened. She was a predator eyeing a target.
Jess turned to see her prey. It was Stephanie, walking in on Mike Austin’s arm. She was stunning—to Jess, she was the only person in the room. She came in quietly, gliding through the crowd in her white collared shirt and black bell bottoms. Although she was a cheerleader, she didn’t seem to want to seek attention. Her face was so beautiful; for Jess, it was like looking into the sun—she wanted to watch her, but it was too overwhelmingly painful.
“She’s too new to be dating Mike,” Kelly spat.
“She’s not…new,” Jess said. “I mean, she’s from here.”
“How do you know?”
“We kinda grew up together.” Jess glanced around the room, pretending that none of it mattered.
“I never saw her before.” Kelly crossed her arms. Obviously, according to Kelly’s rule book, a certain amount of time had to pass before Stephanie was allowed to emerge as anything in school but a nobody.
“She went to my grade school, not yours,” Jess explained. “But she moved before we got to junior high.”
“She came back for high school?”
“Yeah,” Jess said. “It must’ve sucked.”
“Huh?”
“You know,” Jess stammered. “Leavin’ all her friends, comin’ here. It couldn’t have been easy.”
“Oh yeah,” Kelly snarled. “She’s really had a hard time makin’ new friends. Please.” Empathy and compassion were not human emotions she recognized.
The boys returned with cups of punch. Jess took her cup and scanned the crowd.
No matter where she looked, Jess couldn’t escape her—a vision from the past colliding with her in the present. She didn’t really know Stephanie anymore, but something about her felt familiar. Jess watched as she danced under the lights, apparently to be having a better time than Jess was.
Of course she brooded about that. Obviously, Stephanie hadn’t pined over her the same way, hadn’t spent sleepless nights wondering about her…Would that have been too much to ask?
And her letter…She never answered it. Jess hadn’t forgotten that either.
“Wanna dance?” Alex asked, interrupting her thoughts.
“Sure,” she said, setting down her cup.
Kelly beamed at Jess, finally approving of one of her decisions.
They danced under spinning lights. Of course it wasn’t long before a slow song came on, throwing a wet blanket on everyone except those couples who couldn’t keep their hands off each other. As for the others, there was a sea of panicky faces and an awkward second or two as they saw if one or both of them wanted to stay out on the floor. Almost before she knew it, Jess was slow dancing with Alex…right beside Stephanie and Mike.
Of course. With all the room there was to dance in, they had to be bumping shoulders with the one couple Jess wanted to stay away from. Jess glanced at Stephanie over Alex’s shoulder, trying to make it the quickest of glances, so quick Stephanie wouldn’t notice. She found, much to her surprise, that Stephanie’s eyes were locked on hers. At first, Jess thought the dark light was playing tricks on her, but there was no mistaking it. Stephanie was watching her. Her gaze sent Jess’s heart racing. She hid her face in Alex’s chest.
Alex must have felt her out-of-control heartbeat too. Misunderstanding the reason for it, he pulled her closer to him. The room seemed to spin. She was inside a Sixteen Candles movie, but its story was one she feared was one-sided. A story that Stephanie couldn’t even imagine—because she could never care for her the way Jess did.
That was most likely the real story, Jess thought sadly.
Alex’s hand tightened on her back, crushing her to him. She tried to take a full breath, but his arm and his cologne made that impossible. Obviously, he intended to dance with her without any air between their bodies, pressed against her as closely as was possible in front of the chaperones.
Making an excuse to him about how warm it was, she rushed back to her punch. She was feeling like a human pancake. When Alex went to the boys’ restroom, Kelly came over.
“Did you feel it?” she asked. Her grin so wide and her nosiness so obvious, she made Jess laugh.
“Get your mind out of the gutter,” Jess said.
“Uh, that’s where all the fun is,” Kelly said. “You really are a preacher’s daughter.”
“And you really are a slut.” Jess smiled teasingly, then fin
ished off her punch, affecting a casual attitude. Ivy had told her she always seemed to have a certain coolness about her. She fought to project that calm now, hoping no one could guess at her internal struggle.
Kelly and Bryan went to dance, leaving Jess alone. She threw her empty cup in the trash, and when she looked up, Stephanie was coming toward her. Her features, outlined in the shadows, seemed larger than life. It was like meeting a celebrity up close. An idol. She’d imagined a moment like this, but this was different than it had been in her mind—much more terrifying.
“Hi, Jess.” Her voice was still familiar, but it had an edge to it.
“Hi.”
“You havin’ fun?”
“It’s the…cafeteria.” Jess shrugged awkwardly, unable to make a joke. “How much fun can you have?”
“Yeah.” Stephanie looked expectantly at her, as if something was on her mind.
Smothered by her own awkwardness, Jess said, “’Scuse me,” and ran to the girls’ restroom. She looked at herself in the mirror there—at the melting eyeliner, her now sticky lashes. She was dabbing at the beads of sweat on her forehead when Stephanie appeared in the mirror behind her.
Jess jumped, startled. There was no place to hide—not even in the girls’ restroom. Especially not in the girls’ restroom. Luckily nobody else was there.
“You got real pretty,” Stephanie said, crossing her arms, appraising her.
“You too.”
They stood awkwardly for what seemed like forever, Jess still dabbing at her face long after it didn’t need fixing anymore. She could tell that Stephanie was trying to be a normal person, making small talk with an old friend. But Jess couldn’t, no matter how hard she tried, act normal, like Stephanie was simply any other person.
“Did I do something?” Stephanie finally asked.
“Huh?” Jess turned around to face her. She was utterly baffled by Stephanie’s apparent interest in her—there was nothing fascinating about her or her life. Why would Stephanie care?
“You never speak to me,” Stephanie said. “When I come over, you run in the other direction. And your friends really don’t seem to like cheerleaders.”
“That’s not it,” Jess said.
“What is it then?”
“Nothin’. There’s nothin’.” Jess’s knuckles were white as she gripped the sink counter behind her. She silently begged herself to think of one intelligent thing to say. Nothing would come.
“Can we talk sometime?” Stephanie asked.
“I don’t know. I mean, sure. Whatever.” Jess kicked her foot in the mystery liquid on the floor.
“What is it? You don’t like me? You’re still mad at me for movin’?” Her eyes were dark and piercing, with a hint of sadness, searching for an answer.
“No! You kiddin’? I wouldn’t still be like that. I got a life, you know.”
“Yeah, I know.” Stephanie’s face fell. “I guess you don’t want to be friends anymore.”
“We’re not friends.” It came out wrong. “I mean, we don’t know each other really.” Every word was a struggle.
Come on, you learned complete sentences in kindergarten. Give it a try!
“I thought we could get to know each other again,” Stephanie said.
Jess’s mind was blank. Try any sentence. Noun plus verb…
“You never answered my letter,” Jess blurted. She wondered if Stephanie only wanted to talk to her because she was back in Greens Fork. She hadn’t seemed to care when she was away…
“What letter?”
“It’s silly.” Jess hung her head. Mentioning it would make her seem pathetic. Rewind.
“What letter?” Stephanie repeated.
“I sent you a letter in fourth grade,” Jess admitted. “You never wrote back.”
“I don’t remember getting one from you.”
“I wrote to that address you gave me.”
“Oh.” Something seemed to click. “We moved to an apartment,” Stephanie explained. “It’s a long story. Maybe I can tell you sometime.”
There was a pause.
“So that’s it,” Stephanie said. “That’s why you’ve been avoiding me?”
“I haven’t avoided you. I don’t know you!” Jess’s emotions could no longer be contained. Embarrassed by her outburst, she ran for the door.
Stephanie caught her arm as she was about to leave, her eyes locking onto Jess’s. “Yes, you do.”
Unable to handle this much familiarity, Jess broke away and tore out of the restroom.
“Jess, wait!”
Jess wove through couples dancing to “Stayin’ Alive,” which seemed all-too appropriate, and made her way outside. The cold air slapped her awake, making her realize the full horror of what she’d done. She’d tried to be cool but had somehow managed to make the situation even worse. She kept walking, letting the moon guide her.
God. Stephanie must think she had some kind of anger problem. Jess couldn’t bear to replay the scene in her mind. It was too embarrassing, too strange. Looking uncool in front of the person you need to look cool in front of? It was the worst thing you could do. She considered changing her name and moving to another country.
It wasn’t long before a pair of headlights snuck up behind her. It was Alex. He slowed down and stopped on the side of the road.
“Jess!” he called. Even in the darkness, she could see the worry and confusion on his face.
Jess reluctantly got inside. She needed a ride back home. She also needed a way to explain her weird behavior.
“What’s with you?” he asked. She searched for something good to say.
“It’s…uh…I’m havin’ a female problem.” Perfect. Boys never asked more questions about that. He immediately acted like he understood and drove extra fast to get her home, which was what she wanted anyway. Jess said as little as possible, focusing instead on the sounds coming out of his radio, Foreigner singing about wanting to “know what love is…”
Silently she answered the singer’s plea: she had no idea what love was. All the crazy feelings she was having sounded exactly like those of someone in love. Only how was that possible? That would mean she’d have to admit it to herself—she was in love with a girl.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Her parents had stayed up late to get the full scoop, of course.
“It ended early?” her mom asked.
“I got tired.” Jess hung her head.
“What’s the stuff on your face?” her dad asked, slightly alarmed.
“Oh, it was hot in there,” Jess said, rubbing underneath her eyes. She remembered how she’d been sweating in the bathroom. She figured she resembled some kind of scary raccoon. “I’m not used to wearing makeup. It smeared.”
“Well, go clean that up,” he urged. “You look like a mess.”
“Wait a minute,” Carolyn interrupted. “Did you have a good time?”
“Yeah, I did.” That seemed good enough for them, so she was free to go upstairs.
* * *
After her parents went to bed, she snuck into Ivy’s room. She was the only one Jess could talk to, and she knew she’d be awake. She usually stayed up late, studying books with pictures of animal organs.
“What is it?” Ivy asked after listening to her ramble for a minute. “And what’s all this crazy talk about passports?”
“I gotta get outta here.” Jess pulled at her collar. She couldn’t breathe.
Her sister sat Indian style on her bed, a sage in a rose-colored bedroom displaying posters of Bon Jovi and Sting. How silly it all was, Jess thought. If she liked one of the guys in one of her sister’s posters, everything would be fine. In a flash, the posters took on a horror movie quality, the faces of the men in them swooping toward her, mocking her, accompanied by ominous music. The illusion left her light-headed.
“What is it?” Ivy repeated.
Jess sat at the foot of her sister’s bed, heaving sighs of despair interspersed with occasional periods of crying. She’d nev
er been so unable to control her crying. She was a faucet that wouldn’t turn off.
“Whatever it is, it can’t be as bad as my secret,” Ivy whispered. “If I tell you, maybe it’ll make you feel better.”
Jess finally stopped crying and tried to catch her breath. When she looked up, lines of eye makeup were streaming down her cheeks. Ivy took some tissues to try to clean up the disaster.
Something about Ivy’s room felt safe. Even though they hadn’t gotten along so well lately, it seemed to her that Ivy had a maturity that no one else in the family had, not even their parents. Maybe here her troubled thoughts could take a break—if for no other reason than the distraction of her Pepto Bismol-pink carpet and matching curtains. She didn’t know how Ivy could stand it on a daily basis.
“Cobb and I did it,” Ivy announced in a dramatic whisper. “But you can’t tell Mama or Daddy. Swear.”
Jess nodded.
Her sister stared at her expectantly and maybe a little disappointedly. Being known as the good student all her life, Ivy may have wanted to flaunt her rebelliousness to someone who wouldn’t kill her. “Well?”
“Well, what?” Jess’s face fell. “How’s you and Cobb doin’ it supposed to make me feel better?”
“Out of wedlock? Come on!” Ivy was obviously proud of this. “And it was good.”
“Forget it.” Jess started to leave.
“Come back here! You’re not leavin’ till you tell me. What’s so bad that you think you’re goin’ to hell? Your secret can’t be worse than mine.”
“Yeah, it is.”
Ivy now seemed very intrigued.
“I like a girl,” Jess said. Hearing the words cutting through the air made her feelings suddenly real. Part of her wished she’d kept them inside, so what was happening could seem like a dream a little longer.
“So?” Ivy’s response surprised her.
“Whaddaya mean, ‘so?’ Didn’t you hear me? I like a girl.”
“You mean like like?”
Jess nodded; she couldn’t look her in the eye.
“It’s okay,” Ivy replied. “Lots of girls get little crushes on other girls. It’s just a phase.”
“What if it’s not?” Jess’s eyes dripped with worry.
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