The Fear of Falling

by Amanda Cowen

  My breasts are heaving with each labored breath, and my sensitive nipples graze the warmth of his bare skin. His cock presses into my stomach; it’s a presence I can’t ignore. My body sinks onto his with a moan. The electricity between us is palpable. It’s as if he knows exactly what I want, where to touch me, and how to make my legs wobbly. His arms wrap around my waist, and the curl of his huge body over mine makes me forget the outside world even exists.

  We stumble backward into my room, our lips seared together. He slams the door closed behind us and presses me against the wall just a few steps in. He sucks on my neck and jaw, puts his hands under the hem of my shirt, feeling down around my ass and thighs.

  “I couldn't sleep without tasting your lips one more time,” he says, pulling back to look at me. “Tell me you don’t want me to stop.”

  “I was just about to knock on your door and kiss you fucking senseless,” I whisper against his lips, sliding my hands into his hair, digging my nails into his scalp. “I don’t ever want you to stop.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ,” he growls. His mouth travels from my chin to my mouth, tasting every millimeter. I step away only long enough to pull my own t-shirt over my head, and tug down his pajama bottoms and push them to the floor. With a flick, his fingers slip into my panties and I shrug out of them, wrapping my arms around his neck as he guides me onto my bed.

  I pant out dirty things, telling him how much I want him, how good he makes me feel, and how I need him inside me. Ryan leans over me, propping himself up on his hands. Mercifully, he pushes forward and up, thrusting deep into me. My eyes roll and close. He hits the perfect spot again, and again, and again. We both become wild and a little rough, our lips searing kisses everywhere. He whispers over and over how much he’s missed me, how much he wants this, and how beautiful I am. Hearing his voice become so desperate and out of control only intensifies my need for him.

  He’s clutching my hips. I pull him closer; I need him to be closer. Kissing. Touching. Licking. It’s so easy, so natural between us, it somehow just melts away everything outside this room.

  My body coils around his, tight and sweet, sucking him in. His scent and noises cloud my brain, and make my breathing erratic and hard. He’s devouring me — all of me: skin outside and flesh inside, slick and thrusting deeper.

  I become acutely aware of my true feelings for Ryan. This is what I want – Ryan is who I want. I am done fighting this pull between us.

  I am captivated by his quiet grunts into my mouth, and the way he pants my name. I get lost in his urgent fingers on my hips and thighs, his forehead pressed to my collarbone as he gets closer. I lose myself in the feeling of his body on top of mine, my hips moving faster and harder to meet his every movement.

  My legs clamp around his hips and he flips me over with a grunt. I ride him with my back arched and my head thrown back, my fingers digging into his abdomen, anchoring myself in him. I take my time to feel him inside me. Our eyes meet at every thrust, the heat between us enough to light the room on fire.

  He grabs onto my hips and flips me underneath him. We are sweaty and panting, and he looks deliciously sexy.

  He hovers over me, and this time I place my legs on his shoulders. My mouth quivers but finds no words. His hands grab my hair and I close my eyes, focusing on the delicious feeling beginning to spread throughout my body. I am so close, teetering right on the edge. Reaching between us, my fingers find my clit, and I begin to rub it slowly.

  He looks down at my hand and swears. “Ella,” his voice is desperate, his breath coming out in deep pants. “That’s the fucking sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

  His words are all I need. With one last brush of my fingers, I feel my orgasm overtake me.

  He pulls harder at my hair, looking wild and untamed. He incoherently strings words together as he comes, his body seizing as he releases on my stomach. My whole body shakes in the aftermath, the tiny tremors continuing even as my orgasm fades. I cling to him as he grows still, his body sinking against mine. He kisses my shoulder and my neck before placing a single kiss to my lips.

  Our eyes meet briefly. He places another soft and gentle kiss to my forehead before we roll onto our sides in unison, heads on our pillows. When our eyes meet again, this time I can’t look away. I’ve lost every hope I’ve ever had that my feelings for Ryan will somehow become less powerful, or that our connection will somehow melt away if we just remain friends. I know now that this attraction between us will never go away.

  “Come here.” He pulls me against him, placing more kisses on my neck, cheek and temple.

  “Stay in my room tonight,” I whisper.

  “Ella,” he says as his lips explore my jaw and the corners of my lips. “I wasn’t planning on going anywhere.”

  He’s staring at me, and I know it’s just Ryan, this guy I’ve hung out with every day since freshman year, the guy who has been my best friend, who has seen me through good and times. The one guy I never thought I’d find myself falling in love with.

  As I press against him and feel the warmth of his skin, all I can think about is how something has shifted between us. I drift off to sleep, and I know that without a doubt, this time wasn’t a mistake.

  I open my eyes the next morning. The sun is high in the sky, and Ryan and I are in the same position we were in when we fell asleep.

  He’s not awake yet, and it takes everything I have to not roll him onto his back and take him inside my body just to see if he’ll look at me again the way he did last night.

  But I do get out of the bed because I feel a little nervous about what this means. I worry about what his reaction will be once he does wake up. I felt it, and I know he did, too. Every kiss, every breath, every thrust pushed us into something deeper, something real.

  I take a shower. When I step out of the bathroom, fully dressed in a pair of shorts and a gray tank top, I find him sitting on the edge of the bed, already wearing the pajama pants he had retrieved from the floor. He rubs his eyes and walks over to me, and kisses my neck. Because I’m trying not to melt, I stiffen instead. I can feel his little laugh against my skin.

  “I’m freaking out a little, too,” he admits.

  “It’s just that… things between us felt really different last night…” I start explaining. He pulls back and looks at me, but doesn’t reply. “I can’t help but ask myself why we keep doing this. Especially now that you’re leaving for Yale—”

  “What does Yale have to do with us?” He removes his hands from my hips and steps back. “What exactly are you trying to say?”

  “I’m just a little overwhelmed,” I tell him. “Last night was really intense. It’s just a lot to process.” I pause. “Like, we cuddled naked… and pillow-talked and stuff.”

  He steps back further. “Yeah, well, I’m overwhelmed too,” he says, his dark eyes blazing into mine. “One minute, you’re just my best beer-drinking buddy, and the next, I’m dying to put my dick in you.” He thinks for a moment. “Listen, I think we should just get dressed, go downtown for some breakfast and talk about us… I mean, whatever this is, before we fly back home."

  My phone vibrates from the nightstand. Both Ryan and I turn at the same time to see it light up and shake with an unknown number on the screen. Because Ryan is closer, he reaches over and grabs it, handing it out to me.

  “Here, answer it,” he tells me. "I'll meet you at the lobby in fifteen minutes." He kisses the top of my forehead before walking through the door.

  I answer my phone, wondering who the hell would be calling me this early in the morning, and from an unknown number. “Hello?”

  “Good morning, Ms. Jones. This is Camilla Bright from Disney Animation.”

  What the -? “Hi, yes, Ms. Bright. How are you?” I spin around and glance up at Ryan, my eyes wide and surprise painted on my face.

  He stops dead in his tracks and mouths: Is that Disney?

  I mouth back: Yes.

  “I’m good, thank you,” she responds.


  I can see a flash of anxiety on his face. He leans against the wall, watching me and waiting for the call to end.

  “I’m calling regarding your previous application and interview for our internship position. The candidate we selected had to decline due to personal circumstances, so the internship’s still available. If you’re still free, we’d love to offer it to you. But if you need a few days to think it over—”

  “Yes!” I shriek, then take a deep breath and try to tone down my excitement. “Yes, I’ll take it.”

  “Oh, wonderful,” she sounds relieved.

  “When can I start?” My mouth blurts the question out before my mind can stop it.

  She laughs. “The start date’s on the 1st of August, but if you want to start earlier, that would be great. You can start as early as next month, if you like.”

  “Yes, I’ll start whenever.” Again, my mouth sputters without any coherent thought other than my dream’s now a reality.

  “My assistant will email you the final paperwork and contract. You need to fill them out and send everything back to me ASAP. If you need help finding a place to live or making travel arrangements, she can help you with that, too. She will get in touch with you later today to iron out the details. We are very excited to have you on board, Ms. Jones.”

  “Thank you so much, Ms. Bright.”

  “You have a good day, Ms. Jones. We will see you soon.”

  When the call ends, I scream with excitement and throw my arms around Ryan’s neck. He hugs me back, even though his body is tense. He exhales heavily, then takes a step back. “When do you leave?” he asks quietly.

  “She said I could start as early as next month. Which means I can move straight to Los Angeles right after graduation.”

  His eyes narrow. “What happened to the original candidate?”

  “They pulled out. Personal reasons, not quite sure what exactly.”

  “And they just expected you to be available in three weeks?” He continues to stare at me without any evident reaction. I’m suddenly not quite as giddy anymore.

  “It actually starts on August 1, but she said I could start as soon as the end of this month if I want to. And who cares when I start? I’m going to work for Disney. I can’t even believe this is happening right now! I honestly thought I’d be stuck somewhere making shitty logos and fetching coffee.”

  He slowly nods. I can tell he’s happy for me even though the frown on his face indicates otherwise. “Just like that, huh?”

  My body feels cold, and panic rises in my chest. “Just like what?”

  “You’re leaving,” he says.

  “Yeah, and so are you.”

  He lets out a short, pissed-off laugh. “I can't believe you jumped at the chance to leave right after graduation without even thinking twice about it.”

  “Well, yeah.”

  “And you are so ready to leave San Francisco behind that you asked ‘when can I start’, instead of ‘when is the start date’.” His eyes are so wide now. “You never even considered what that means – like your apartment lease with Maisie. Or your job at the Ballet Academy. Ella, you’re so damn impulsive. Do you ever think about the consequences of anything you do? Are you serious right now about moving on at such short notice?”

  This whole conversation feels like whiplash. My hands are shaking, and my eyes are stinging with tears. “Yeah. I am serious. If they wanted me to start tomorrow, I would. No questions asked. I don’t understand why you are being so pissy.”

  His face turns red, and his jaw clenches. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this upset before. “Because you are leaving San Francisco in three fucking weeks,” he answers.

  “So? Your plan was to work in Sacramento for the summer until you finally move to Connecticut. What did you think was going to happen after we graduated?”

  “I don’t know, Ella…” he trails off. “Maybe I thought if you didn’t secure an internship, you’d want to spend the summer with me in Sacramento. Or maybe you'd accept an internship somewhere other than fucking Los Angeles.”

  “Are you serious right now? I just got the best news of my life, and you have the nerve to ruin it by acting like a jealous boyfriend.” This whole conversation has me feeling unsteady. I struggle to not let this spiral into something worse.

  “I’m sorry, okay? I’m happy for you. I really am.” His tone and body language soften. “I get it… this is what you want. You’ve made your position clear to me for years.” He rubs both hands over his scalp and down his face, closing his eyes as if he is debating whether to say the words I can sense are on the tip of his tongue. “But your immediate reaction to always be so self-centered about what you want stings a little, okay? I know I may be acting like a jealous boyfriend right now, but excuse me for being a little pissed after you were the one begging for my dick last night. And now all of that means nothing to you? Make up your mind already. At least I try to take others’ thoughts and feelings into consideration when I make decisions.”

  I gawk at him, feeling my pulse on my neck as my heart pounds. “Oh, you mean like that time you ran back to Alodie?”

  He looks at me, flabbergasted. “I thought you were still fucking around with Liam.”

  “I can’t—” I shake my head. “Do you have any idea how hypocritical you are right now?” I’m about to snap, so I take a deep breath and steady my voice. “Listen, my future is at Disney, just like your future is at Yale and all that other depressing bullshit you rambled about the other night. Clearly, we've both made our decision, so thank you for reminding me why we would never work out.”

  He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and exhales, opening his eyes again. “Then maybe it's best if we are just nothing, because I can’t keep doing this.”

  I feel my stomach drop. “Doing what? Being my friend and being happy for me?”

  “Oh come on, Ella,” he says, his voice strained. “That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it.”

  “Then ask me, Ryan,” I shout, feeling my entire body tremble. “Ask me to not take this internship, be your girlfriend, and follow you to Connecticut so I can work at some rinky-dink graphic-design firm just so we can keep fucking each other.” His expression grows unresponsive as I start to challenge him and completely lose my cool. “Ask me to give up my dream so I can ride on your coattails for the rest of my life, just like the misery your housewife mom feels compared to your dad’s legal career. Come on, Ryan. Ask me,” I shout.

  “Except we both know your answer, don’t we?” He grips the door handle and turns around one final time, slamming the door behind him.

  Of course, I want to shout after him – tell him I will follow him, be with him for real this time. But I can’t. I can’t take such a risk when my future has just become so certain. These past four years, I have studied and worked my butt off for this exact moment – to work for Disney. I can’t give that up now, could I?

  I sink to the floor, the tears immediately falling from my eyes. I don’t even know how long I stay curled up, crying; it could have been minutes, or even hours. B

  But once I am able to get myself together, I grab my luggage and start packing.

  Chapter 21

  “So, how was it?” Maisie is doing her best not to sound too nosy about my weekend while I pretend I didn’t just cry through an entire flight. This emotion I’ve discovered called heartbreak will soon be a thing of the past.

  “You can thank me later for getting you two back together,” she adds, strutting her way into the living room with a smoothie in hand. “And because I’m the bestest best friend ever, I deserve every dirty little detail. No vague summary this time. That means I want full-on love confessions and sexy times.”

  I drop my luggage to the floor and crash on the sofa, arm draped over my forehead. I heave out a sigh, unable to speak.

  “Ella?” she asks. She sits on the edge of the sofa, and reaches over to touch my arm. “What is going on? Are you okay?”

  I fro
wn. “No. I’m not okay. This weekend was a disaster. No love confessions, no more sexy times, and I’m pretty sure our friendship is over, too.”

  “Wait, what?” she asks, shocked.

  So I tell her. I tell her about the moment Ryan showed up for the rehearsal party, how I found out he was accepted to Yale, and how he broke up with Alodie. I tell her about the amazing time we had at my dad’s wedding, and how things seemed to shift between us. I tell her about how I paced around my hotel room like a maniac debating on whether to knock on his door, only to have him knock on mine. I tell her about how we didn’t just have sex this time – we made love. I tell her about how intense everything was, yet somehow raw and easy and real. I tell her about the next morning and the phone call from Disney. I tell her about how Ryan acted like a jealous boyfriend, and how he said we should be nothing instead, and when he walked out after I challenged him to ask me to not accept the internship.

  I wince when I look up at her. She looks like she just witnessed a train wreck.

  “Okay, let me make sure I’ve got this straight.”

  I nod, waiting for her to continue.

  “Now, correct me if I’m wrong… but up until Disney called, you and Ryan actually did have an amazing weekend together… including some pretty earth-shattering, orgasmic sex.”

  I cringe slightly. “Well, technically yes—”

  She holds a hand up to stop me from talking. “But then the next morning, when he finally wanted to talk about things - like your relationship potential - you get a call and agree to leave for your internship immediately after graduation. Instead of the original start date, which is like three months from now?”

  I sigh heavily and nod again. “Yes, I just told you all of this.”

  “And to your surprise, he became upset and stormed out on you,” she says, making air quotes as she said the word ‘surprise’.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Well,” she clears her throat. “I think you two just had your first real fight.”