by Jake Bible
He barked a sad laugh.
“Except now Travis isn’t,” he said. “He simply isn’t anymore, dude.”
“Goddamn baby,” I said.
“What?” he snapped and whipped his head around to look at me.
“What are you two on about?” Harper asked, ducking her head down into the Humvee. Her face was windburned and glowing. “What’s up?”
“Chase thinks we should do something for Travis,” Lassa said.
“He’s dead,” Harper said. “There’s nothing we can do. Unless you want to go to one of the death-cult dimensions. Plenty of those places. But I wouldn’t. Death is death across the dimensions. You can’t cheat that without paying a huge price.”
“I was talking about holding a wake,” I said.
“That’s what you meant?” She reached out and punched Lassa’s shoulder. “So say so. Yeah, we should have a wake. Seems like a nice thing to do for a guy that died for us. Right, Lassa?”
Lassa shrugged, but didn’t say anything. Harper and I shared a look.
“We’ll talk more when we get home,” I said.
“Whatever,” Lassa replied, then switched on the radio.
A Katy Perry song was playing, and he started singing off lyrics at the top of his lungs. Conversation done. Kind of.
“I think a wake is a splendid idea,” Back Chase said, muffled by the seat I was leaning against. “Did he have a favorite drink? You could serve those in his honor. And appetizers. What did he like to eat?”
My mind went to that morning in the loft and Travis showing up with a container of croissants from Haute Café.
“He loved good coffee and pastries,” I said. “I’ll make a call and see if this place I know caters.”
“You can’t serve coffee at a wake,” Back Chase said. “You have to serve booze. It’s a universal law.”
“Then coffee drinks,” I said. “That’s easy. Add a shot of espresso and you have a coffee drink.”
“There’s more to the ritual of a wake than that,” Back Chase said. “Maybe I should be in charge of refreshments.”
“Pal, you aren’t in charge of shit,” I said. “As soon as we get back home, I’m getting rid of you. I have to get the Dim key that goes to Iris’s box.”
“You think she’s still alive?” Back Chase asked.
“Yeah, I think she’s still goddamn alive,” I snapped.
Back Chase shut up.
He was right to ask that question. She’d been in that box for a long time. Iris was human. No magic abilities. If I didn’t outfit that box well enough, then when the time came to open up, I would only find her corpse. I had no memory of whether or not she had enough food or water or what. Air wasn’t a problem. The Dim seemed to take care of that for some reason. One more mystery of the space between dimensions.
But food and water? Shit. No clue.
We drove on without anyone saying another word. Lassa fumed in the driver’s seat. I didn’t want to get Back Chase talking again. And Harper was happy as a Harper up in her gun turret. We listened to pop music and kept to ourselves until we were through the Earth portal.
28
THE PORTAL THAT connected Earth with the Gory Gauntlet was in a tiny town in central Florida called Cassadaga. The place was a spiritualist camp and tourist trap. Suckers paid a hundred bucks a pop, or more, for fake tarot readings and access to mediums. No one in the know took the town seriously.
There were a few surprised tourists when we showed up in the middle of the main street in our armored and well-armed Humvee. The cops arrived pretty damn fast. We provided them with our credentials, they made some calls, and everything was smoothed over. Not that they needed much convincing, considering we had a seven-foot-tall and still fully furred yeti with us. It didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out we’d been off dimension.
And their Grand Hex would take care of the tourists once they left the town limits, like in Asheville.
But, arriving in Florida meant driving eleven hours back to Asheville in a Humvee. Not quite as comfortable as riding in the limo.
Once back, we drove straight to the Black Box Inc. offices. Sharon was waiting for us, completely frazzled and about to lose her shit.
“Have you seen this?” she shouted as she shook a stack of papers in our faces before we’d gotten three feet into the office.
The whole place was one room. A big wide-open space with a reception area up front and our desks in the back. A wooden railing separated the two areas. There were no cubicles or private rooms. Way easier if everyone heard what was going on at the same time, anyway. Privacy would have meant a lot more work repeating to each other what clients said.
“This is the bill from Ms. Sullivan!” Sharon shrieked. “Thousands, Chase! Thousands and thousands of dollars!”
She started riffling through the papers and reading line items to us as we walked past her to our respective desks.
We stank and all needed showers, but I don’t think any of us wanted to go to our homes alone yet. Despite the fact that we had fulfilled our part of the deal with Lord Beelzebub, and Daphne was gone who knew where and was apparently off our backs, there was still a lot of work to be done.
“You talked to Willitz lately?” I asked, interrupting Sharon’s tirade.
“Have you heard anything I said, Chase?” Sharon asked, her hands shaking with anger. “We are going to go bankrupt because of this bill.”
“I don’t think so. Let me talk to Teresa.”
“I have been talking to Teresa and she won’t budge. If we want that firm to continue to represent us, then we have to pay this!”
“Forget the goddamn bill from the lawyers!” I took a deep breath and calmed down. “Sorry. Sorry. Long drive.”
“You can say that again,” Lassa said.
“And I still have a leech above my ass and he itches,” I said.
“Think of how I feel,” Back Chase said.
“Shut up or I get the duct tape out of my desk,” I warned. “Anyway, Shar, I’m sorry for snapping. But can we please deal with the bill later? Please?”
She stared at me for a long while. Then something softened in her face, and her tight shoulders relaxed an inch or two.
“No, no, I’m sorry,” she said. “You all have been off fighting and working. I’ve been here in this office stressing and worrying. My emotions boiled over when I saw you and I reacted poorly.”
“Then we’re even,” I said. “No harm, no foul. We shelve the lawyer bill for now and work on the other tasks at hand.”
“Such as?” Sharon asked.
“Travis’s wake,” Harper said. Lassa groaned.
“That,” I said. “We should have a little gathering and say a few words.”
“Oh my, yes, yes, of course,” Sharon said. “How thoughtless of me. Yes, a wake for Travis. What a terrible loss. He was a good man. Or a good shapeshifter, at least.”
“He was,” I said. “How does this weekend sound?”
“Tomorrow?” Sharon asked. “Not much time to prepare.”
“We’ll go simple,” I said. “Just us. We each say a few words, drink some drinks, eat some eats, and send him off properly.”
“Lassa?” Harper asked.
“What?” he replied.
“You okay with that plan?” she asked.
“Sure,” he said. He stood up and cracked his knuckles. “I’m going home.”
Then he was gone.
“Should someone go after him?” Sharon asked.
“No,” Harper said. “I’ll check on him tonight. Let’s get work done before the weekend hits.”
“Good idea,” I said and looked at Sharon. “Willitz?”
“He’s waiting for you to call him,” Sharon said. “Charges
have been dropped. Teresa’s associates took care of all of that. The evidence is at her firm.” She looked at the bill in her hand. “Not sure if they’ll give us the key or not unless we pay this.”
“They’ll give me the Dim key,” I said. “Not even Teresa will mess with me on that one.”
“Are you going to call Willitz, then?” Sharon asked.
“Is he still in town?”
“He said he’s in town indefinitely,” Sharon replied. “He wouldn’t tell me why. He only wanted to talk to you directly, which I found rather rude since anything he can say to you he can say to me. I’m the one that makes this company run.”
“No arguments on that,” I said. I thought about it and shook my head. “I’ll call him Monday. I need a weekend to rest.”
My stomach clenched, and Back Chase groaned.
“There’s also something that needs taking care of,” I said. I rummaged through my desk, but couldn’t find what I needed. “You have a moon chart anywhere?”
“Of course I have a moon chart,” Sharon said, offended. “Do you think I can do what I do without a moon chart? Think of the headaches that would cause.”
She set the bill down on her desk and pulled out her phone. Of course, Sharon would have an app for that.
“What do you need me to find?” she asked.
“Next full moon.”
“Tonight.” She showed me her phone. “Isn’t that lucky?”
She smiled at me, happy that she was able to provide me with the answer I was looking for. The smile faded when I didn’t smile back.
“Why do you ask, Chase?”
“I have to get rid of the face on my back. Flip said I had to burn the changeling body on a full moon while drinking my own urine.”
“Oh, no, you don’t have to do that. He did some more research while you were gone.”
“That’s goddamn good to hear. I did not want to drink my own urine.”
“Oh, that you do have to do. No way out of that part. We looked. But you don’t have to burn the changeling body. That’s good, right?”
“No, that’s not good. The burning the body part was the good part.”
“Yes, but you don’t have the body. You do have urine.”
“Can’t argue with that logic,” Harper said and snickered.
“Goddammit,” I said. “Fine. I’ll drink my urine.”
“Not only you,” Sharon said. She held up a hand. “Hold on, I wrote everything down.”
Other than the stack of papers that made up the lawyer bill, Sharon’s desk was immaculate. She sat down and opened a drawer, then flipped her rotten fingers across an endless row of file folders. She’d had her desk hexed so the drawers, in theory, could hold an infinite number of files. After a little searching, she plucked a piece of notepaper from a file and set it on the desk.
“Here we go. At exactly midnight, you and your other self.” She looked up at me. “That means the leech on your back.”
“I guessed that much.”
“You and your other self must drink your urine simultaneously. The urine must be at a temperature between sixty and one hundred degrees and you must down at least a cup within one minute. If the clock strikes twelve oh one, and you haven’t finished the cup of urine, then you must wait another month before the ritual can be performed again.”
“Whoa, what was that?” Back Chase asked. “I’m not drinking pee. That wasn’t part of the bargain.”
“We made no bargain,” I said. “And you are drinking pee if that’s how we get rid of you.”
“More like me getting rid of you,” Back Chase said.
“However you need to phrase it, I don’t give a shit. But tonight at midnight we’re drinking pee.”
“Yeah, I’m skipping that,” Harper said. “I’ll be home asleep in my own bed for the first time in forever.”
“Not a chance,” I said. “You’ll be keeping watch. I need you covering my back—”
“I thought I was covering your back,” Back Chase said and laughed. I pressed myself into my chair. “Ow! Okay, okay, I’ll shut up!”
“Good,” I said. I continued. “I need you covering my back, Harper. I don’t think for a second that we’re done with all this. Until we know what Daphne has in store for us next—and you and I both know she will have something coming eventually—I need my head of security on high alert.”
“Yes, about Daphne,” Sharon said. “Should I be worried as well?”
“You can’t die.”
“I most certainly can. A bullet to the brain, or even a good sharp stick will do the job.”
“Nothing like a good sharp stick,” Harper said. “I should practice with those more often.”
“I don’t think Daphne will come after you, Shar,” I said. “Steve doesn’t think she’ll come after any of us and I believe him. Not for a long time. But it’s better we’re prepared if she does.”
“We should do both,” Harper said. I stared at her, then raised an eyebrow. “Oh, right. We should get rid of that face on your back and have Travis’s wake at the same time. Move on in one motion, like ripping off a Band-Aid.”
“Not a bad idea. And I’ll need several drinks to get the taste of urine out of my mouth.”
“The taste isn’t so bad,” Back Chase said.
“How can you know? I’ve never drank urine before.”
“That you can remember.”
“I’ll bring the booze,” Harper said. “And I’ll get Lassa to come even if he doesn’t want to.”
“Then we’re set,” I said. “Sharon? Anything else?”
“We have a line of new clients wanting our services,” she said and patted the bill. “Which we can attend to on Monday, but no later. Time to get back to work on jobs that actually pay something.”
“Sounds good.” I stood up and felt the exhaustion hit me hard. “Phew. I’m going home to shower and nap before meeting back here at midnight. We can do the ritual here, yeah? We don’t have to be in a graveyard or use some ritualistic altar or anything, do we?”
“Location doesn’t matter,” Sharon said.
“All about the pee,” Harper said and snickered again.
“Funny,” I said. “See you in a few hours.”
29
I SLEPT LIKE THE dead. Didn’t hurt that I ate three cheese pizzas beforehand. Nothing like a load of carbs to knock you out.
When I woke up, I wouldn’t say I was refreshed, kind of hard to with a leech on your lower back, but I no longer felt like warmed-over shit. I got up, showered again, and ate some cereal before downing an entire jug of apple juice. I figured apple juice would be the least offensive flavor.
I can say that at no point in my childhood, despite how messed up that nightmare was, did I ever foresee myself finishing off a jug of apple juice in order to have a full bladder so that I could drink my own urine at midnight. I’d wanted to be veterinarian. Urine drinking wasn’t part of that job description.
At eleven thirty I called Harper, then Sharon, to make sure they were on the way. Harper was at Lassa’s, and they were arguing, but she assured me he’d be there. Sharon had never left the office. We needed to figure out how to get her a life beyond Black Box Inc.
I sloshed my way to the office, which was only a few blocks from my place. Harper had given me one of her apocalypse blades. Seriously hexed steel that would obliterate anything that came at me. Using the blade would simultaneously trigger a hex that would transport Harper to my side so she could kick some attacker ass. I also had the Dim to work with. My confidence in throwing up shields had increased after Lord Beelzebub’s penthouse, and I was itching to make some rods after I wailed on those harpies.
Between all those defenses, I felt fairly safe. Plus, it was Friday night and the streets were packed
with tourists of all species. If someone or something tried to get me, they’d have to wind their way through groups of drunk douchebags and wasted bippy twats. I whistled while I hiked through downtown Asheville to the office. It was nice to be home.
The time was eleven forty-five when I walked inside to find Sharon had cleared the desks out of the way, making an open space in the middle of the office. Harper and Lassa were right behind me by two minutes.