by Abi Ketner
A cry escapes my lips, and my chest starts heaving with inconsolable sobs. Cole wraps his arm around my shoulders as I lean into him. I’m already running low on tissues. Sutton, the man who held my hand through the past year, the man whose voice helped lead the way for me … is never coming back. My dad lifts his head, and I watch his eyes as they follow something coming toward him. My heart sinks when I realize who it is.
Zeus snuck off, which he never does, not without Cole telling him it’s okay. I nudge Cole’s arm. When he sees Zeus, his lips part, and he’s about to call him back, but for some reason he stops.
Please don’t lift your leg on anything.
Zeus stops when he reaches Sutton’s coffin, then walks sluggishly all the way around it, sniffing as he goes. Stopping behind my father, in front of the coffin, he whimpers, pulls back his ears, and licks the side of the coffin. I cover my mouth with my hand, trying to hold myself together. But it’s a lost cause. Zeus slowly lowers himself to the ground and rests his back against Sutton, his ears pulled back. He throws his head up toward the sky and lets out a painful howl. And that’s it. I’m bawling, and Cole’s choking on his emotions. Zeus stops howling, his ears life, and he keeps a watchful eye on the crowd, keeping vigil in front of Sutton’s casket. It’s plain to see. Zeus is hurting too, and what we just witnessed was his way of saying goodbye … And now, he’s protecting his fallen soldier.
“I’ll admit, my dog’s the best,” Cole says in my ear. He hands me more tissues stashed in his suit.
“Me too.”
My father blows his nose and says, “Well, that’s not something you see every day.” He locks eyes with Cole and nods. Then he takes a cleansing breath and picks up his paper again. “As I was saying, it’s because of Sutton that we’re here. Because he was a man who believed in the straight and narrow, even when all hope seemed lost. He set the bar higher than most, and because of him, I started believing there were good people in the world, people he inspired along the way, people like me. God knows our world’s already emptier without him.” I raise my head as my father glances toward the sky and says, “Every single day, from here on out … I will live the best life that I possibly can, because it’s what you would want.”
Dad stops to gain his composure, but it doesn’t work. Between sobs, he gets his last words out. “God, I miss you.” He gasps for air. Next to me, Cole’s chest shakes before his tears come rushing down. My father folds up his paper, closes his eyes, and tells Sutton, “I love you, brother.”
Around us, people cry and blow their noses. Me among them. I never thought I’d lose him, even when Wilson had him. I guess I thought he was invincible because of who he was, because of everything he’d done. He seemed larger than life, a person unfailing in his convictions, but still gentle and full of love. I’ll never understand what it took to carry the weight he shouldered so delicately on his back, but somehow he did it.
The pastor says a final prayer, and then the funeral home employees begin handing out roses to everyone. A line forms, and each person lays a rose on Sutton’s casket. When it’s my turn, my legs buckle from beneath me, and I begin collapsing to the ground—until Cole catches me.
“Hey,” he says softly. “You all right?”
“No,” I say. “But I need to do this.” Cole helps me get into a kneeling position, and I hold my rose close to my heart. The words begin spilling out of me.
“This doesn’t seem real, you being gone. I know it’s stupid, but I keep waiting for you to show up. Even though I know you won’t. And your voice, I hear it sometimes at night when everything’s quiet. I’d give anything to hold you, see you, and talk to you again.” I reach out and rest the hand without the rose on top of the coffin. “You saved my life in so many ways,” I gasp. “You gave me hope when I had none.” I think back to my first day at the hospital. I was just a lowly aide, yet he still treated me with respect and kindness. “You showed me compassion and love when I lost my friend.” He was the one who held my hand as Alyssa passed away. “Thank you for protecting me and reuniting me with Keegan. I find some comfort knowing you’re all together, up there, in heaven, and someday I’ll see you again.” I lift my hand, leaving the rose on the casket. Inside, I’m hollow. “Just do me one more favor. Don’t ever forget how much I love you.”
It’s Cole’s turn, and I walk away slowly, until I find myself in my father’s embrace. We’re both trembling and sobbing, and snot drips from my nose. My father holds on to me, our grief enveloping us in a small cocoon.
“Why? Why did he have to leave us?” My lungs burn, and my chin quivers out of control. I wipe my nose with the tissue Cole gave me, as my father exhales slowly.
“Because, sweetheart, it was either you or him,” my father replies. “And he chose you.”
“I know. And I think that’s why it hurts so much. Because—”
“No.” My father pulls away just enough to look me in the eyes. “You will not do that to yourself. You will not hold yourself accountable. You promised me you’d let this go and Sutton knew what he was doing. And he’d never, ever want you blaming yourself.” His voice is stern and serious. “Do you understand me?”
I nod. He hugs me one more time, and then Cole steps beside me. “Walk with me?” he asks.
“Okay,” I say. He takes my hand and leads me down a gravel path, past more new graves. I can’t make myself look at their names.
The headstones go on forever, memorializing the lives lost in the Hole and the revolt. After it came out that Crazy Bill was able to get the remnants of the records Sutton created to the right people, and he explained that he hadn’t told us out of fear of getting our hopes up, all identifiable bodies were moved here. Each one was marked with as much information as they were able to compile from the records that survived. It’s obvious that this work will continue for a long time. Even now, when I look over my shoulder, the United Powers security trails us, because sympathizers to Wilson still exist.
Cole stops, and we sit on a bench together, looking out over the rows of headstones, the sparkling snow-covered hillside, and the frozen pond beyond it. He puts his arm around me and pulls me close, and I breathe a sigh of relief. Only here, amongst friends in a cemetery, could I find peace.
The United Powers formed a new interim government within the week. They arrested most of the top officials in the old government and have already started investigations of all those involved. They began testing for a cure immediately. They swiftly moved to bring water, food, and medical supplies to everyone in the Hole. For the first time in decades, Sinners and regular citizens work side by side, rebuilding everything that was lost.
But the fight isn’t over.
In my mind, it’ll never end.
Because of all we’ve lost.
All the family members and friends gone. All the pain suffered by the survivors, the sickness suffered by those exposed to the virus, the damage to the economy, the uphill battle to build a fair, new government with leaders untainted by the Commander’s regime. So much work ahead. So much grief and sin to confront on so many sides.
How do you move on? Where do you begin?
I exhale, the steam from my breath clashing with the biting air. Cole does the same and then turns to face me. His warm, brown eyes are full of promise, swimming with hope. He takes both of my hands in his and gives me a thin smile. And then I know the answer—the answer for me anyway.
I begin with him.
I start over, with forgiveness.
The words my father said are true, but I decide to add my own.
You can overcome anything short of death, if you have love.
One Year Later
The plain silk feels soft and smooth between my fingers. I stand in front of the mirror as Genesis checks the crystal pins in my hair to make sure they hold steady. My hair has finally grown long enough that the stylist was able to finagle it into a curly hairstyle. The neck of my dress dips dangerously low in the front, showcasing my filled-out figure
, my collarbones, and even makes my dark-blue brand stand out. I opted out of a necklace for that very reason.
“It’s time,” Genesis says, standing behind me. “You ready?”
I take once last glance at myself and face her. “Sounds like a trick question.” My nerves threaten to eat me alive because I’m petrified I’m going to roll my ankle in these high heels and fall flat on my face. That would be a classic Lexi move. But Genesis insisted I wear them so Cole won’t hurt himself bending down to kiss me.
Really, Genesis?
Cole has won my dad over, and he’s treated as a son. Not a replacement for Keegan, of course, but a son whom he loves. The first time my father hugged Cole, he froze like a cement statue. I don’t think he ever expected that kind of response from the man he once tortured. My dad kept patting his back until Cole relaxed and hugged him back while trying to hide the tears pooling in his eyes. It was a moment I’ll never forget.
“Stop fidgeting with your dress,” Genesis says, slapping my hands like I’m a five-year-old.
“Sorry. I’m not exactly comfortable being all dolled up. I prefer pants.”
She shakes her head and puts her hands on her hips. “I feel you, but … you do look stunning. Your father might have to pick up Cole’s jaw once he sees you.” She smiles, and I laugh.
“You might be right, since he’s never seen me in a dress,” I say.
“I don’t do dresses either,” she says, touching her own.
“Well, you look hot,” I say.
“Nice try.” She laughs and then examines herself in the mirror beside me.
She wears a skin-tight, sky-blue tube dress with teeny straps that show off the array of tattoos decorating her skin. Her hair’s down, a shiny blond with red streaks. She radiates happiness, and even though she doesn’t really have a date—she told me she has many—she’s healthy and that’s all that matters.
Since my dad told me his thoughts about what my mom did, I’ve been up and down. I remind myself every day that she did what she had to do. Just like me. After a heavy load of counseling, I’ve started over. I will never regret forgiving her, because regardless of the past, we all deserve to begin again. Part of me wishes she were the one helping me get ready today, but Genesis has tried her best to fill the void, and she’s done a great job.
“They’re waiting on the bride,” one of the attendants says. Genesis lets out a little squeal and dabs her heavy eyeliner with a tissue so it doesn’t smear. She hands it to me as I laugh and dab my own eyes.
“Geesh, I’m not even down the aisle yet.”
“I know, and I’m not the type to get all mushy.” She laughs and cries at once. “But you look so—”
“Gorgeous,” my father finishes. He appears, smashing in his suit, his skin healthier than I’ve seen it yet. His hair is all but gone, but that just directs more attention to his eyes. He holds out his arm, his eyes red as he takes me in. “Shall we?”
“Not you too, Dad,” I say. “If you cry, you’re going to make me cry, and I really don’t want snot all over my face while saying my vows.”
“Or black streaks down your face from your mascara,” Genesis says. “’Cause God knows I already do.” She gives my dad a wink and then checks herself in the mirror one last time.
“Hey, you two, that’ll be enough of that,” I say.
“Okay, no more tears. Or mushiness,” he says, turning back to me.
“Liar.” I link my arm through his, and he sweeps me through the doorway to the main doors of the quaint stone chapel. It’s over one hundred years old, but they began restoring sections of it just last year, and it’s perfect. Crazy Bill escorts Genesis down the aisle first. Then the music begins playing, and my father places his hand over where my arm links with his. His face shines with pride and joy, his smile stretching from ear to ear. We step into the aisle. My breath catches in my throat.
Everyone stands, and every head turns to watch me. Familiar faces smile, bringing warmth to my cheeks. Genesis gives me a small wave while blinking back tears. A guy at her side grabs her hand, but I don’t recognize him. I flash her a smile, and she puts her hand to her chest while mouthing, “Get it girl!” I can’t help laughing.
Then I notice Crazy Bill. His eyes enlarge, and he smiles a shy smile. I think it’s the first time I’ve seen him sober since we met. He was cleared by the United Powers, so he got a job in the new government helping them compile records and track information. He moved into a house not far from the Hole. I guess it’s too much a part of him for him to leave it completely. Seeing him warms my heart.
Bruno stands tall next to Cole as his best man. His eyes glisten with tears, but he smiles and pats Cole on the shoulder. It’s amazing seeing all these joyful faces. He looks handsome in his crisp, new dark-blue uniform. Strings of medals and patches are arrayed on his chest, making him look like the ultimate warrior. Unlike Cole, he opted to stay in the military after being investigated and cleared of any wrongdoing by the United Powers. Since then, he’s become a general, one of top ones in the new government. He moved up to High Society, and we don’t get to see him as much as we used to.
I can’t help thinking about Grace, and how proud she’d be of him, how much he still loves her. I wish she and Alyssa were here to stand with me, but deep down, I know they’re here with us. Bruno nods in a show of respect and pats Cole on the back.
When I lock eyes with Cole, the emotion that flows through me almost knocks me out. My stomach twists into nervous knots. He’s tall and ravishing in his black suit, his hands folded behind his back.
Lexi, please don’t drool. His dark eyes flash with a multitude of emotions. A sudden wave of electricity seizes me. Everyone else fades away, like we’re the only ones here, and I’m tempted to sprint down the aisle and jump into his arms. We’ve waited so long, worked through so much. I want nothing more than to be his for all eternity, or longer if that’s possible.
At the end of the aisle, my father slips his arm out of my grasp, my eyes burning with tears as he embraces me. “I love you, sweetheart,” he says.
“I love you, too.”
He kisses the top of my head then turns to Cole with glassy eyes. “I have no doubt you’ll take great care of my daughter. I’m thrilled to welcome you to our family, like a son. The past is buried, and the future lies at your feet. Grasp it and love each other for the rest of your lives.” He embraces Cole in a tight hug, slaps him on the back, and then takes a seat in the front row.
Cole steps into the vacant space and when his hand touches mine, it sends jolts of electricity up my arm, making my heart jump.
“Hi,” I whisper.
“Hey,” he whispers back. “I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life.”
I grin and sigh. “Well, I was thinking the same about you … but hot, not beautiful.”
He laughs. “Manly hot.”
“Exactly.”
The ceremony is a blur, except for when Zeus brings the rings up the aisle. Everyone laughs when they see his bow-tie collar and the rings tied to a pillow on his back. He holds his head high and moves proudly. Our friends thought we were crazy when they found out Zeus’s part in the wedding, but we wouldn’t have had it any other way. Zeus is part of our family.
Cole places the newly buffed ring my father gave me onto my finger, and then he slides on a beautiful, simple diamond. My hands shake, nervous and excited all at once, as I put his band on his finger. Then the pastor announces us married. Cheers erupt from the small chapel, and Cole pulls me into him.
His lips smash into mine, claiming me for his own. I wrap my arms around his neck, driving my body into his as his hands grip me harder. Even Zeus begins howling, and the crowd laughs uproariously. Cole tastes like mint and smells like cologne and spices. I want to take off with him now, and have him all at once, because my patience is all but gone. He begins laughing, and my lips hit his teeth, which makes me laugh. He breaks away too soon, but I can’t help thinking about how it�
��s going to be later on. I tug him back for one more kiss.
“You go Lusty!” Bill hoots above the clapping, his hands in the air like he’s ready to dance.
Our small group of attendants immediately progresses to the large, white tent set up outside. It sits on the grounds next to the chapel, the hills breaking just enough for a view of the mountains and the river weaving its way through them down below. The warm air fills my nose with lilies and fresh grass. Musicians play light music as we mingle and talk around the table with our closest friends. We toast to love, to friendship, and to many years of health together. I never dreamt in my wildest dreams that life could be this good. And my dad’s here. He’s alive, and even though the weight of the ones I lost hold me down a little, I find some comfort knowing they are safe and free.
My father pulls Cole and me aside from all the commotion at one point. “May I have a word with you two?”
“What’s going on?” Cole asks with worry.
“Yesterday, I received wonderful news,” he says. “Lexi, I know you’re still torn about what your mother put you through, but this might bring you some closure.”
I furrow my brows. “Okay, tell us.”
“The United Powers successfully created a vaccine. It worked, and because of you, the virus won’t become a world epidemic.” His tone is so proud I can’t help but feel relieved. “You’re a hero, in so many ways.” I throw my arms around my father, and he picks me up, just a few inches off the floor.
There’s lightness in my chest now, because Wilson’s plan was finally crushed, and those who were sick have a chance at life. “Now that made it all worth it.”