by J Santiago
He wasn’t sure whose idea it had been. But knowing his mother as he did, he was pretty sure she had forced his agent to have his club make the arrangements since Lex never checked his phone once he entered the stadium. He also knew his mother figured he’d play in his game. She’d spent the majority of Lex’s life making sure he could play soccer, so his walking onto the field a couple of hours after learning that his father had died wouldn’t have shocked her.
Playing in a critical game was exactly the kind of therapy he needed. Sex would have been good too, but he’d been avoiding that for a bit. No messy entanglements allowed this season. And that would have made his father proud. Lex managed a fleeting smile, thinking of the last conversation he’d had with his dad about that subject. They’d been out at a pub down the street from his club’s stadium when his father mentioned Lex’s lack of a groupie—as he referred to all of the women Lex had been with since he was 18.
“Bit of a dry spell?” he’d said, winking at Lex.
Lex graciously acknowledged the dig. “No sir. Just trying to focus in on playing soccer.”
His dad grinned. “Yes, I’ve been wondering when you were going to get serious about the sport.”
He laughed. One of the things he loved about his dad was his ability to look at things from Lex’s perspective. “Ya know how it is, Pops. Even when things are supposed to be uncomplicated with women, they don’t ever stay that way.”
“If you’d stop binging on groupies, maybe things wouldn’t get complicated.”
“No, Pops. That’s what keeps it from getting complicated,” he replied with a wink.
“Seriously, Lex,” he said, suddenly changing the mood, “any plans to find a nice girl and settle down?”
Lex eyed his father. “How 1950s of you. Where’s this coming from?”
“I look around you and I know you are successful. You’re driven and ambitious. But don’t you feel like something is missing? Don’t you want to share this with someone?”
“That’s what I have you, Mom, and Pete for,” he answered. “Ready for another?” He pointed at his dad’s empty glass and waved to the bartender, hoping to change the subject.
“Lex, I’m serious. I don’t want you to be alone. I have seen your capacity to love someone—outside of your family.”
Suddenly, completely uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation, Lex ordered another round of drinks. Turning back to his father, he said, “I was a kid and didn’t know any better.” And with that, he left his father sitting at the bar while he went off to flirt with a groupie.
Thinking back on that conversation, the irony was not lost on Lex. He hadn’t been home in almost eight years. When he’d left he’d been caught up in the middle of an emotional nightmare. And now the prodigal son was returning home in the midst of another emotional nightmare. What the fuck? Glancing at the clock, he realized he needed to get moving to make his flight. When his phone rang, he knew without looking that it was his brother.
“What up?” he said without preamble.
“Are you packed? Or does your agent take care of that too after wiping your ass?”
Lex laughed. Leave it to Pete to lighten the mood. “I am trying to get out of bed. Was just thinking about a conversation I had with Dad last time he was here.”
“Ah, yeah, I’ve had a few of those moments today.”
“What are you doing up at this hour?”
“I decided to come home right after I heard. I could have broken up the drive, but when I thought about Mom being here alone, I just felt like I needed to come.”
“Good man. I take it you got my itinerary?”
“Yes sir, Lex. We will send a car to pick up his majesty.”
“You’re such a dickhead,” Lex said, laughing.
“Seriously, I got all of the information. Shouldn’t you get your ass out of bed and in the shower?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m moving.” Lex paused before asking, “How’s she doing?”
“Really, you need to ask? She’s fucking amazing. Was sitting up with Dr. A. and Willa when I got home. Pretty much everything has been arranged.”
“Shit, I haven’t thought about Willa Knight in a long time. How was that for you?”
“Ha. All good. Aside from providing a wake-up call, I wanted to give you a heads-up.”
“About what?” Lex heard the intake of breath on the line, and from across the Atlantic he could tell that what his brother was about to say was going to bother him.
“Lu’s coming home. She’ll be here by the time you land tomorrow. With everything going on and, ya know, proximity, I don’t think you’ll be able to avoid her.”
“Who says I want to avoid her?”
Pete sputtered. “I just assumed.… I mean, you haven’t been home since you left. I thought that was why.”
“Nah. I’m done avoiding Louisa May. We’ll have a conversation, clear the air, and then everyone will be able to relax. Don’t worry, Pete. I’m not looking to make this any more difficult than it already is.”
“Roger that. All right, I’ll see you at the airport. Be safe.”
“Over and out, bro.”
Lex gently placed his phone on the bedside table and fell back on his pillow. Twenty-four hours earlier his life had been proceeding according to plan. Now, he was faced with the death of his father and the prospect of going toe-to-toe with the girl who had broken his heart.
2
Lu grabbed her coffee mug and sneaked out the back door, across the worn path, and to the Pellitteris’ sprawling back deck. She knew that Dr. J. would be sitting in her chair, book in hand, drinking her coffee. When they were younger, any sneaking in and out had to be handled before 6:00 a.m. because Dr. J. would be up, in the same position even then. Wrapped up in a gigantic UPenn fleece, she shuffled up the stairs, across the deck, taking in the powerhouse that was Josephine Pellitteri. Although this time there was no book perched in her lap, taking up all of her concentration. She was gazing out into the early morning light, obviously lost in thought.
“Hey, Dr. J.,” Lu ventured.
Jo looked up and the weary smile she’d sported over the last twenty-four hours appeared on her tired face. She started to rise, but Lu beat her to it and stooped down to hug her. Lu tried to hold back, but once in Dr. J.’s arms, her composure crumbled. Attempting to stop the tears, Lu heaved a sigh that ended with a dry sob. Jo, also trying to hold her emotions in check, managed to caress Lu’s back, comforting her as she had when Lu was a child.
“It’s OK, Lu,” she somehow managed, although she was far from OK.
Both, slightly embarrassed, pulled back. Lu stood and moved a chair closer so that she was facing Jo. “I’m so sorry. And sad. I’m so sad that he’s gone,” she said, wiping away the tears which seemed to have a mind of their own.
Jo reached out and rubbed Lu’s clasped hands. “I know. You and Mike always had a special relationship. Especially over the last few years. You gave him so much joy.”
“I couldn’t stay away. I don’t want this to be any harder for you, but I couldn’t not be here to say good-bye.”
“And to set things straight?” Jo said before she could stop herself. But once she said it she knew that it needed to be said. They had to have this conversation before her son arrived. Pinning Lu with the death stare she decided to move forward. “Is that why you came, Louisa May?”
Lu, startled, but only slightly, took in the double whammy. As kids they had all joked that the death stare paired with the full name meant serious trouble. Without meaning to, Lu smiled. “Dr. J.—you’re pulling out the double whammy on me at 6:00 a.m.?” she asked.
Jo laughed. “I suppose I am.”
“You know it still works. Even as a twenty-six-year-old, with my own set of responsibilities, I fold under the double whammy.” Lu got up, uncomfortable being in such close proximity. Without meaning to, she paced, rubbing her wrist, a habit left over from childhood. Again, Jo found herself smiling. So interwoven
were their families that this gesture was as familiar to her as when she saw Lex’s ritual after scoring or when Pete rubbed his ear.
“When it comes to Lex, I haven’t really thought very far. Maybe that’s surprising, but it’s more about being here to celebrate Mr. P. I shouldn’t have come alone. For the first time in eight years, I am shirking my responsibilities, but I couldn’t do that to you. I just don’t know. I don’t know what it will feel like when I see him.” She stopped pacing and returned to her chair. “We were so young. But I still miss him. Not that soul-searing emptiness I experienced when he left—and let’s be honest, for a couple of years after. But we were so close for so long, I wonder what it will be like when we see each other again.”
“Lu, you know that’s not what I’m talking about,” Jo responded, more annoyed than anyone should be so early in the morning.
Lu, suddenly angry over being backed into a corner, responded with raised ire. “What about you, Dr. J.? This is as much your secret as it is mine. How much longer are you willing to keep this from your son?” she challenged.
“Do you know that he never forgave me?” Jo said, looking directly at Lu but somehow looking beyond her, into the past. “He died yesterday, and he had never really gotten over it.” Jo paused and Lu let the silence descend over them, each lost in the memories of that fateful decision.
Lex had already left for the U-20 World Cup training camp when the shit hit the fan. And even though it didn’t seem that long ago, they didn’t have smartphones as they did now. Lu often wondered if there would have been a different outcome if she and Lex had been able to communicate with each other. Could they have text messaged their way to a different outcome than the one their parents chartered for them. No day had passed that she had not regretted the outcome of the decision, but she could barely stomach the collateral damage to all of the people they loved.
“I’m at a loss here, Dr. J. I know what the right thing to do is. I have always known that. But I’m not going to be losing Lex this time. Chances are you will. And can you handle that without Mr. P. here?” Quiet settled between them again.
“I need some more coffee. Would you like some?” Jo asked.
Knowing this was far from over, Lu stood. “I’ll go,” she offered, needing to move. She picked up both mugs and went into the house. Again, she was overcome with memories of the times she had spent there. She had been walking in and out of this house at will since she was six. And although she and Lex didn’t have an auspicious beginning, they were soon inseparable.
Her mom and dad had begun building their house next to the Pellitteris’ when Lu was five. So when they moved in after almost a year of construction, eight-year-old Lex and six-year-old Pete were a little upset that their construction site /playground was no longer available. They already knew all the ways into the house and were not shy about expressing their displeasure over their neighbors being girls. When Dr. J. showed up at their door with a store-bought cake (she never baked), a vintage bottle of wine, and her two sullen children, Lu and Willa were left with the task of entertaining them while their mothers drank wine—a scenario that would play itself out, over and over, throughout the next ten years.
It was at this meeting that Lex had dubbed Louisa May Knight “Lu,” a nickname that she would never escape. After being introduced, Lex and Pete followed the girls upstairs into their very pink and purple playroom.
“Why do you have such funny names?” Lex asked.
“You have a funny name too,” Louisa shot back. “And they’re not weird. We were named after famous authors.”
“That’s weird,” smirked Lex.
“My mom’s an English professor,” Willa offered. “We’re named after Louisa May Alcott and Willa Cather.”
“Well, those are old-lady names. I’m just gonna call you Will and Lu,” Lex announced.
“You have a stupid name,” Lu returned.
Willa pushed her slightly and whispered loudly, “You’re not supposed to say ‘stupid.’”
“Well it is. Why is your name Lex?”
He moved his head toward Pete, “’Cause he couldn’t say ‘Alex’ when he was little. He could only ever get out ‘Lex.’ Doesn’t matter. It’s just a name. And no one else has it.”
“Well, no one has the names Louisa and Willa either.”
“Trust me,” Lex retorted, “some old ladies have those names.” Willa couldn’t help herself. She laughed. But Lu didn’t think it was funny at all.
“Don’t you ever smile?” Lex asked her.
“My mom says she has an old soul and she’s much too serious for a six-year-old,” Willa informed them.
“Looks like your mom is right,” Lex concurred.
Lu, who may have had an old soul, also had a quick temper. Without letting anyone see what she was doing, she went over to their easel, which was set in the back of the room, and picked up a bottle of blue paint. She walked behind Lex, stood on her tiptoes, and poured the paint over his head and onto his favorite soccer jersey.
Willa and Pete cracked up. Lex, sputtering more from surprise than anything else, turned and ran downstairs. Willa, Pete, and Lu followed, racing down the steps. To Amber and Jo, who were almost done with the wine, it sounded like a herd of elephants was coming toward them.
“Uh, oh,” murmured Amber.
“Mom,” Lex said, “look at my jersey!”
“What happened?”
Lex opened his mouth to tell his mom what the little jerk had done. But before he could say anything, he caught sight of her. She stood with her hands on her hips, looking mad, but with tears unshed in her big, blue eyes. And he couldn’t do it. “I was messing around by the easel and the paint fell over.”
Pete and Willa’s eyes got wide and Lu turned and ran up the stairs.
“Alexander James Pellitteri. You need to march upstairs and clean up the mess right now. Then get home and into your room.” Jo’s voice rang out in the kitchen. No one really wanted to mess with Dr. J.
Amber, who had been watching her children, knew that there was something wrong with the story. Those paints were always secured, tops tightened. But before she could get to the bottom of it, Lex, Pete, and Willa ran back upstairs.
“Wow,” Willa said. “Why didn’t you tell?”
“Ah, I probably deserved it,” he said with a devilish smile.
There wasn’t much to clean up and Lu had hidden herself away so she didn’t have to face Lex. But he had sealed their fate that evening. Lu, who had been saved from a spanking and probably a very public apology, swore to never do anything bad to Lex Pellitteri. And Lex discovered that he was a sucker for big blue eyes.
Lu pulled herself back to the present. Grabbing the two mugs, she headed back out to the deck. Sitting down across from Jo again, she handed her a mug. Jo took a sip gratefully.
Neither of them spoke for a few minutes, savoring their last few moments of perfect harmony. Then Jo reached out and grabbed Lu’s hand.
“Louisa May, I think it’s time.”
Lu met her gaze. And although she had been prepared for this moment, she still felt stripped bare. She knew Jo wasn’t done with what she had to say, so she held her tongue.
“I want you to go home,” Jo told her.
Anger hit Lu like a punch to the gut. “I am not leaving. I need to be here. You can’t keep deciding my fate for me.” All the resentment that had built up over the last eight years rose up like bile in her throat.
Jo took Lu’s other hand and caressed them both, again comforting her as she had done many times over the years. “You misunderstand me, Lu. I want you to go home and get my grandchild. I think it’s time that Lex meet his daughter.”
3
“What are you going to do, Lu?” Willa asked. Walking over to where Lu was sitting on her bed, Willa gently rubbed her back. “Whatever you want to do, you know I’ve got your back. No pun intended.”
“Ugh, Will. I don’t know.” Lu stood up, disengaging herself from Willa’s
contact. She didn’t want to be touched. She needed space to think. “I haven’t thought this far ahead. Why does everyone assume I have a plan all carved out for this funeral?”
“Shit, Lu, you always have a plan. You were born with a miniature FranklinCovey planner in your hand.”
“Yes. I have a plan for school and a plan for Nina. But I never planned on Lex Pellitteri. And see what happened?”
Willa couldn’t help it. She laughed. “You’re actually cracking jokes?”
“No, Will!” Lu snapped, exasperated. “I don’t think any part of this is funny.”
“Sorry. Have you talked to mom about it?” Willa asked.
“No. I haven’t had a chance. And I certainly didn’t expect for Dr. J. to tell me that it was time to tell Lex. I thought she was going to order me to go home—tell me that I wasn’t welcome. And instead she orders me to go get Nina. I thought I was doing the right thing coming alone. I don’t want to spring his daughter on him. Doesn’t he deserve an explanation? And what if he doesn’t want her? There’s no guarantee that he is going to want his eight-year-old-daughter that he didn’t even know existed.”
“You don’t want him to hate you,” Willa observed. “You want to break it to him and give him a chance to get used to it. But, Lu, he’s going to want his daughter. And he’s going to hate you. And his mother. And our mother. And maybe even Pete.”
“Right, I know that. And knowing that, should I tell him he has a daughter right after he’s lost his father? Because while he might be excited about having a child—and that’s probably the wrong word—he’ll find out that everyone who loves him has deceived him for the last eight years. How can I do that to him?”