Luke’s hold tightened on me. “Really? How badly?”
“Too badly. Mr. Lane’s given me an extension, thankfully.”
“Huh, I didn’t think he would have done. You’re always going on about how strict he is.” I was sure I didn’t talk about Mr. Lane that often. I normally made a conscious effort to avoid talking about him. “Well, that was nice of him, anyway.”
“Yeah, I must have looked really pathetic.”
“You didn’t cry, did you? It sounds weird, but you always look kind of cute when you cry. It might have swayed him.”
I didn’t chuckle, even if the corner of my lips lifted up. Sitting here and joking with Luke wasn’t right. I should just tell him what I’d done and get it over with.
But then Mr. Lane would be fired. I at least needed to wait a few days so it didn’t look suspicious, first. “I didn’t cry, thankfully. That would have been too embarrassing to live down.”
Luke chuckled and rubbed his hand up and down my arm. I suddenly wondered if my breath might smell like cum. I’d go to the toilet and clean my teeth in a moment, just to be certain. “Nothing is ever as embarrassing as you seem to think it’s going to be.”
It was true that I was a bit of a worrier when it came to showing myself up. Half the time I avoided saying anything in case it might be wrong. “Well, hopefully I’ll manage a better piece of work this time around, anyway.”
“I’m sure you will. Badminton has taken up a lot of time recently, anyway.” I hadn’t really noticed that – I’d been going to more practises, but I enjoyed it so much that it wasn’t stressing me out. Maybe it really had dug into my coursework time so much that I’d produced a poor piece of work because of it.
“Yeah, I guess it has.”
Luke, who’d paused the DVD he was watching, pressed play again. I said I needed the toilet and escaped my bedroom with a long face. Our conversation had been completely normal – there’d been no inclination I’d swallowed someone else’s load less than an hour ago. I cleaned my teeth thoroughly and checked every inch of my body in the process, looking for any marks that would give away my clandestine activities.
I had to make sure there was no way Luke would suspect Mr. Lane before I broke up with him.
Half an hour down the line, we’d been watching the DVD and my mind had been allowed to wander. My hands had slipped lower before I realised what I was doing, but I stopped them, trying to bury the desire that was rearing its ugly head.
Even attempting to sleep with Luke after what I’d just done was abominable.
But then, maybe having a discussion with him about his complete lack of sex drive was necessary. Maybe it was me who wasn’t doing something that he needed me to.
There was only one way to find out and I hoped my conscience could bear it.
I ran my fingers under his shirt to caress the hard muscles of his stomach. Luke was fit. He worked out regularly and being on the swim team meant he had a lean body, which was just what I loved.
Mr. Lane had the same physique, too.
Luke probably knew what I was hinting at the moment I began caressing his torso, but he held out with no reaction. It wasn’t until I moved to reach up and kiss his mouth that he began to get clearly uncomfortable. He gave me a quick peck, before moving his hand away. “Not tonight, I’m all tired from practise.”
I didn’t sigh, even though I wanted to, and resumed my previous position instead. “Is there something I do wrong?” There was a chance that he really did just have a low sex drive, or that he was gay, I supposed. But chances were I was just doing something wrong.
“No, of course not,” Luke replied immediately, letting out his own sigh. “You don’t do anything wrong at all. I’m really just… not in the mood right now. Or a lot of the time.”
It wasn’t that that was a problem for him as a person, it just didn’t work for me in our relationship. I seemed far too young to be going to some kind of sex counsellor and besides, I’d already cheated on him now. It was far too late for that. “Okay, I just wanted to make sure.”
“I know it’s frustrating for you.”
I shrugged weakly. I’d been such a dick that I couldn’t afford to make him feel bad about anything now. If I told him I cheated, he’d know it was because of this and I felt like I was telling him the fact he didn’t have a high sex drive meant there was something wrong with him – it just wasn’t right for me. “It’s not so bad. My fingers are pretty good,” I teased, really just wanting him to leave at this point.
I wanted to spend as little time with him as possible until I felt it had been long enough since I’d told him about Mr. Lane’s extension for there not to be any suspicion.
Because I really liked Luke. He was perfect for me in every way but the sex. I’d admired him from afar for years, always being the introvert who sat in the corner and avoided talking to people who weren’t Emma.
The day Luke had come and asked me out I’d almost said no because I thought he was joking. We’d never even really had a conversation before.
And it had turned out we got along great. Better than great. I really liked him.
I snuggled back into his chest and let the guilt flow through me. I was a bitch and I didn’t deserve him.
I’d cheated on him almost without a second thought and it was almost enough to make me swear off relationships for good.
I probably didn’t deserve anyone.
Chapter Two
“So this is the plan for my eighteenth,” Emma laid out a poorly drawn map on her bed. “We start at Myers, get in the trebles until we’re completely wasted, then head down to Beach. They always have cheesy music that we can dance to in there and the drinks are so expensive it’ll give everyone a chance to recover and no one will go throwing up on me.”
I nodded. It was the route we always went when going round town – Emma had done it so many times with her fake ID I was surprised this is what she’d chosen for her big night.
“And then, to The Club Room for the big finale. They’ll have all the sexy grinding tracks in there and maybe I’ll finally get lucky for a change.”
This was the only change to the regulars. The Club Room was all expensive and fancy and didn’t normally appeal to any of us when we were just chilling for the night. It was perfectly suited to an eighteenth birthday party.
“Sounds good. Who have you invited?” Emma and I had always kept to ourselves within school, but she had plenty of friends and cousins outside from all the clubs she went to. The gymnastics and dance group she was a part of were incredibly tight knit.
For some reason, I’d managed to slot in when we went out drinking perfectly fine. I was much more fun when I’d had a few beers and my inhibitions were faded away.
“Everyone from Kickers who’s old enough to come and then a couple of my cousins. Liam is of course invited.” I’d always fancied Emma’s cousin from afar and she knew it.
I rolled my eyes. “Of course he is.” She loved to almost out me at every opportunity she got.
Part of me wondered if I’d even have eyes from him now I was so consumed with Mr. Lane. I hadn’t even seen Liam for over six months. “And, well, I was actually planning on taking something for the night.”
My eyebrows shot up. Emma had always been interested in drugs. She’d researched them all, read as many trip reports as she could get her eyes on, and had been scared away by their illegality for all this time, too. “What changed your mind?”
“Well, someone I know from ballet said they’ve got their hands on some if I wanted to try it. It’s the good stuff, we did one of those chemical tests on it. It’s MDMA.”
“That’s the ecstasy one, right?”
“That’s it.”
I pondered this. I’d always be sceptical of drugs and doubted I’d ever try them. I didn’t have any interest like Emma did. Alcohol loosened me up enough to not be painfully shy, but the thought of being out of control definitely didn’t do anything for me.
I worried about Emma doing them, too. I’d always thought she’d stick with her alcohol and that would be enough; that the worry of someone finding out she’d done drugs was enough for a demotivation.
Apparently not.
“Did you want to do some, too? I reserved you some, if you did. I’m guessing not, though.”
I waved her off. “I’m really not bothered. Besides, who’s going to look out for you if we’re both out of it?” I teased, trying not to let any of the worry bother me.
“True, true. I’m not planning on telling anyone else apart from the people who have to know that I’ve done anything, so I’d rather you didn’t say anything. I just want to keep it so it’s my own enjoyment.”
“Of course, I wouldn’t tell anyone.” I’d already assumed that was her plan. Emma was a pretty private person most of the time, especially when it came to things like this. She’d convinced everyone in her dance class she was actually eighteen when she’d been using her fake ID, just so the truth never got back to anyone. Her parents would have been very unimpressed by it all. I was okay, since I’d been eighteen since September. My mum wasn’t opposed to me going out – I just had to lie about who it was with, since Emma was underage.
Thankfully, Luke had been eighteen since the beginning, too, and so the past few months I’d had an easy excuse.
Emma really trusted me more than anyone. “Emma,” I averted my gaze slightly. “I think I’m going to break up with Luke.”
Her eyes bugged. “What? Why? I thought you two were perfect for each other.”
“We are, in almost every way, but he just has no sex drive at all. I’m dying over here.”
She giggled at my flailing expression. “Well, that definitely wasn’t what I was expecting.”
I groaned. “I’m serious, though. He never wants to and I’m apparently just hornier than he is. And well,” I did sigh this time and the humour completely drained from my voice. “It was enough to make me cheat on him, so I’m not really just thinking about leaving him, I am leaving him.”
Emma’s smile dimmed, too. Neither of us were relationship gurus, Emma even less so than me, but she’d watched enough Jerry Springer that I hoped she had some advice.
Cheating on someone wasn’t the kind of thing I ever imagined I’d do – I’d always thought I was a decent person. The fact Emma was genuinely shocked at least made me feel a bit better.
“What on Earth happened? How were you even in the situation to cheat on him with someone?” Emma scowled at me and I had the decency to be completely ashamed. Luke was just a really nice guy and he didn’t deserve this.
“You have to promise not to tell anyone, anyone, no matter what your opinion is.”
Emma frowned and actually began to look concerned. No doubt endless possibilities were running through her mind. I wondered if she’d have realised what had happened. “Fine. I promise and you know you can trust that.”
I did. “I fucked Mr. Lane for an A. Well, three hundred words out of one thousand five hundred. I still have another one thousand two hundred to earn.”
Emma was staring, working her head around it with short shakes of her head. “You’re kidding? Please tell me this was all a big joke.”
My cheeks burned with shame. “Unfortunately not. I kind of never told you how much I fancied him, it was embarrassing.”
Emma buried her head in her hands. “You’re so fucked.”
I lay down, staring at her ceiling and torn between smiling and crying. Mr. Lane had been fun and I couldn’t quite bring myself to regret it. “I know. I just, I really think he’s hot and even though I only gave him a blowjob it was like the most intense thing I’ve ever done.”
Emma was a virgin and it probably didn’t mean much to her and I didn’t have a wealth of experience either. I just knew it had felt really good and that I wanted more. “I mean, as long as you’re breaking up with Luke, I don’t really know what else there is to say. You really fucked him over.”
“I know. I feel like I should just say no to both of them, accept my E and stay away from relationships until I’m sure I’m not just a complete dickhead anymore.”
Emma sat by my head and played with my hair, letting out a sigh. “Don’t hate yourself forever. Everyone messes up and it’s not like you’ve been together forever. Neither of you really love each other, right? It’s not the end of the world if you break up.”
It was true. I mean, I really liked him, but I definitely couldn’t say love was in the equation just yet. It had only been three months since our first real conversation. Maybe that was Luke’s problem – he just didn’t care enough about me to be horny all the time. “I suppose so,” I allowed, even though it didn’t help my guilt at all right now. “What about Mr. Lane, though?”
Emma shook her head and grinned. “I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation. You slept with your teacher.”
“Well, I didn’t sleep with him yet. That’ll probably be within the next couple of days if I turn up.”
“I mean, he’s basically blackmailing you into this. Don’t you think that’s a bit weird?”
I shrugged. “Well, if I didn’t want to I guess it would, but I feel like he must have known I liked him, otherwise I could have just ratted him out to the school and stuff,” I scratched the back of my head. “And I kind of undid my top button before I went to talk to him. And I kind of told him I was willing to do anything. I don’t think he really thought he was making me do anything I didn’t want to.”
Emma rolled her eyes. “Of course you did. You know, your personality is incredibly weird. Most of the time you can’t even meet eyes with someone, how on Earth did you do all that?”
“I’m not entirely sure. I think I was kind of desperate. And I just really wasn’t expecting him to even notice, I hadn’t planned the ‘I’ll do anything’ line, honest.”
Emma chuckled. “Well, I guess if it’s like that it’s not too weird. Maybe not, anyway. I’m not entirely convinced he’s not a creep.”
“I don’t think it really matters if he’s a creep since we’re not in it for anything more than the sex. Besides, I could just report him if he started being weird anyway.”
It was kind of strange to admit I slept with someone I didn’t know a single thing about. I didn’t even know his first name.
And I didn’t really care.
I’d always been one for the big romantic daydreams until I started dating Luke. Luke had satisfied that part of me and so now my imagination was teeming with steamy visions that were anything but romantic.
“I’m never going to be able to look at him the same, you know. How am I supposed to listen to him teaching me English without wanting to giggle?”
I grinned. “How am I supposed to listen to him teaching without picturing him naked? And he looks great naked, by the way.”
“He’s not really my type, and not just because of the age thing. Do you know how old he actually is by the way? I mean, he’s got to be nearly thirty, right?”
“I’m not sure. That was my guess, too, so it’s probably about right.”
“I suppose he is pretty good looking. I bet the other girls talk about him, too.”
“I wonder if he’s ever done this kind of thing before,” I mused aloud. “He always seems so smooth that I’m not sure whether he seemed nervous to propose the situation to me or not.”
“I don’t think it really matters, does it? Not if it’s purely sexual.” Emma knew what she was doing, but I wasn’t going to fall for that.
“I was only wondering,” I fixed her with a serious look. “I don’t know anything about him, there’s nothing even remotely romantic there.”
Emma had to give me that. “I suppose so,” her mum shouted up the stairs and I was kind of grateful the conversation was coming to an end. I felt better after hearing what Emma had to say, even if the self-hatred hadn’t dissipated yet. “Be right back.”
I figured I may as well start checking out MDMA now to see what
I’d be dealing with when it came to next weekend. I was greeted instead by an email.
My eyebrows shot up at the content. You’ve been selected to play for the team during the county tournament. Well, that was certainly a surprise. Our team did well, but I was never sure I was a leading factor in that. We rotated who was picked for the team and I couldn’t consider myself a regular.
The dates were fine – it was a weekend event, but I didn’t often do much with my weekends and I really enjoyed playing badminton.
I was pretty excited.
The MDMA thing made me feel better, too, when I actually read up on it. I could only manage a quick skim before Emma came back, but overall I wasn’t too worried. I just needed to make sure she didn’t drink too much and went to the toilet and it should all be fine.
Three Hundred Words Page 2