“She’s holding on.”
He told them in a flat voice.
“But now you’re all here, I think it won’t be long before she lets go.”
Again his voice was lacking emotion and Hally knew he was struggling to maintain his composure and her heart went out to him. She knelt by his side and placed her hand over his, both holding Gran’s hand gently. Mildred finished bathing Gran and stepped away so that mum, dad and Nathan could sit at her other side. Nathan leaned into his father, his eyes drooping with tiredness.
“Daddy can I go sleep?”
He asked with a wide yawn. Mum looked at her little boy and smiled as dad replied.
“Go and lay on the sofa little one.”
He told him in a soft voice.
“What if Granny dies when I’m asleep?”
He said innocently but with obvious concern. Mum choked back a little sob and took her child’s hand and led him to the sofa. Mildred as ever aware of the situation was ready with a fleece blanket.
“Natty sweetheart, have a little rest, it will be alright.”
Mum told him as she laid him down and tucked the blanket around him. As his eyes began to close he said in a small voice.
“Is Granny gonna go to heaven?”
Stroking his hair away from his brow mum smiled and felt her heart shudder in her breast.
“My angel, I really do think your Gran will go to heaven and from there she will watch over you all of the time.”
Mum had never practised any religion but at that moment she desperately wanted to believe that her mother was going to a safe and pain-free place, and if that was heaven then so be it. Hally still sat with Granddad but could hear her mum’s loving voice speaking to Nathan. Her words brought to Hally’s mind the picture on her wall. Her Gran would be one of those angels watching over all of them.
As dawn approached the family took turns sitting on either side of Gran, holding and stroking her hands. Mildred kept a supply of hot drinks coming for them all in between tending Gran. Although Gran was essentially motionless, Mildred made sure the covers on the recliner were neat and smooth. She ensured the little bowl of water and glycerine was always fresh that was used to moisten Gran’s lips. She prepared some food for them all and sent them into the kitchen, except Granddad and Nathan who was still asleep, because she wanted Gran to have some privacy and dignity whilst she administered pain relief that she had to give by suppository. All of these tasks were completed without fuss and with the utmost gentleness and consideration for all involved.
At nine twenty, Hally was sitting on one side of her Gran and her mum was on the other side. Nathan was awake and dad was supervising his breakfast. Granddad and Mildred were sitting on the sofa sipping coffee. Hally felt a tiny movement in her hand and quickly relayed this to the others. Mildred was on her feet like a cat and mum called dad and Nathan in from the kitchen. Hally stood to allow Granddad to take her place, Granddad taking Gran’s hand in his own. Dad stood near the bottom of the recliner one arm round Nathan, the other holding his hand. Standing close to mum, Mildred pressed her fingers to Gran’s wrist and checked her fob watch as she monitored her pulse.
Hally stood watching her Grandmother’s face, feeling that everything had been suspended in time, that no one was breathing. Then she saw Gran’s eyelids open, her eyes two beautiful orbs, deep blue and clear as crystal. She felt Gran look at all of them, complete clarity and understanding in her eyes, a silent farewell to her family that she loved and cherished so much, and who in turn loved and cherished her too. Then a soft white cloud gently moved across the blueness and as in slow motion her eyelids began to close and then her chest rose once more and then stilled.
At first there was silence, Hally’s vision blurred as tears began to fall down her cheeks, then she heard the soft crying of her mum and Granddad. Mum came to Granddad then the whole family wrapped themselves around each other trying desperately to comfort one another in their grief. For some time they all stayed just like that holding onto each other and holding each other up. Quietly and gently behind them Nurse Mildred continued with her job. Hally heard her soft voice speaking to someone and then there was again just the sound of the family’s sobs.
Over the next few hours things were a blur for Hally. She had called Wes and before she could even begin to tell him what had happened she was sobbing uncontrollably into the phone.
“Hally babe I’ll be straight over.”
He told her. At first she didn’t even realise he had disconnected. Shortly after her phone chirped and she saw the call was coming from Corrinne.
“Hals, do you want me to come over?”
She asked. Before Hally could respond her text alert went off and mumbling “Just a sec” to Corrinne quickly checked the message.
tried to call got busy signal wes called do you want me to come over
“It’s Clia, she just asked me the same.”
Hally told Corrinne. She felt completely detached from everything and couldn’t even grasp the simplicity of her friends’ question.
“So, shall we?”
Corrinne asked carefully.
“Shall you what?”
Hally replied.
“Come over Hals.”
“Oh, yes, oh please, I really don’t know what to do.”
Sobbing uncontrollably again she didn’t hear Corrinne tell her she would call Clia and they would both come over, and again was still holding her phone to her ear even though her friend had disconnected.
Later in the day Hally sat in her own home with Wes and her two best friends. Wes had taken charge and called Corrinne and Clia and asked them to meet them at Hally’s instead of coming to Gran’s. He explained to them that Hally’s mum thought it might be too difficult for Hally to cope with the arrangements that had to be made.
So now, she had talked herself out about Gran, going over and over her last hours with her. Wes sat with his arm around her and Corrinne and Clia snuggled close on her other side. Mum and dad were still at her grandparents house as there was a lot to help Granddad with. When Wes arrived he first gave his full attention to Hally, then hugged the other members of the family. Nurse Mildred then took him through to the lounge to see Gran who looked just as though she were sleeping. Mum then told Hally to go home as she thought it might be too stressful for her to be there when the doctor came out to confirm the death and for Gran to then be moved to the funeral home. Without argument Hally agreed and offered to take Nathan, but mum told her Nathan was now upstairs sleeping. Hally was surprised at herself that she hadn’t even noticed Nathan was no longer in the kitchen.
“It’s ok baby, even though we expected this it’s still a shock to you.”
Mum told her, her voice choked with emotion. So, almost numb with pain and anguish, Hally hugged and kissed her mum, dad, Granddad and even Nurse Mildred and allowed Wes to wrap her in her coat and his arms and take her home. Now she sat huddled afraid she would never feel happy again.
The next few days were stressful for the entire family. Hally helped as much as she could especially with Nathan and she had Corrinne and Clia with her most of the time to help too. Wes divided his time between her and work and all this at least gave Hally a little respite from her feelings. However there were times, even when she had company that she simply couldn’t concentrate on anything. She often found herself drifting away into her own world in the middle of a conversation, or when she was eating, or watching television, or anytime really.
There were brief moments when her mind would almost forget and she would talk to her friends about normal things. She would laugh and share jokes, then suddenly her grief would come flooding back in and she would feel guilty for those tiny moments of happiness. Watching her mum cope was hard, watching her go about her normal daily routines with Nathan, the home, with her, all which she dealt with in her usual efficient way, yet with a sadness so deep, it was almost solid. Dad was a rock to them all and Hally watched him give his wife so much love a
nd care without smothering her, she watched him play with Nathan and she soaked up the attention, love and comfort he gave to her. Together, they all supported Granddad. He had chosen to stay at his own home even though mum desperately wanted him to stay with them.
“No love. I need to be here where she was. This was our home for all our married life. I have to carry on though God only knows how I’m going to do that. But, somehow, I will. She wanted me to continue living, not to grieve for ever, although I will, but you know how strong she was…well… she…made me promise…to…look after you.”
Granddad told mum, his voice cracking, after she had tried for the tenth time to get him to come and stay with them. Mum wrapped her arms around her father and together they sobbed and tried to give comfort to each other. Hally felt her heart breaking at this sight and took herself out into the still snow covered garden to shed more tears of her own. She felt alone and empty but didn’t want to invade their grief with her own. She knew this was irrational, that they would give her love and comfort too, but she just felt they needed to have that moment to themselves.
As the days passed and the new term grew closer, Hally felt the loss of her Gran in so many different ways. At times she would simply sit in her room looking at the angels on the wall and remember growing up with her Gran nearby. Other times she would cry silently into her pillow, or sob loudly into Wes’ shoulder, or the girls’ arms. She would wander around the house as though sleep walking, not always remembering why she went into that room, or what she wanted out of the fridge. One time she found herself holding a full cup of tea that was stone cold and completely untouched. She wasn’t even sure exactly when she had made it. Sometimes she would crave company only to find herself wanting to be alone the minute someone came close, then desperately seeking solace in a hug from a family member, Wes or her friends. She was so mixed up she felt as though she had been thrown into a giant blender.
On the first day back to school, Corrinne, Clia and Wes came to Hally’s house. Usually they all met up on the way but this morning the three had decided Hally needed support from the off. The weather remained freezing with hard snow packed solid on the ground making the journey treacherous. However, with great care the four made their way steadily to school. Hally tried her best to be cheerful towards her friends and boyfriend and at times accomplished this without having to fake it. But as the school gates approached she wondered how she was ever going to get through the day.
English was Hally’s first lesson of the day and as she entered the classroom Mr Austin came straight over to her and quietly said.
“Hally, if you need to see me, here is a list of times when I’m not teaching. Just let which ever teacher you are having at the time know that you are coming to see me.”
He handed her a folded sheet of paper and smiled gently. Hally just nodded, she didn’t think she could speak, her emotions were bubbling to the surface and threatened to burst. She simply took the list and sat down in her usual seat. For parts of the lesson Hally was able to concentrate and absorb what was going on, but some of it went over her head and her mind wandered to memories of her Gran. These included Granddad and other members of her family and many of the things they had shared as a family. So, by the end of the lesson Hally felt disjointed and a little lost, not quite knowing what had been discussed and read. This happened throughout the day and by the time school ended Hally was exhausted and unsure of exactly what each lesson had been about. All her teachers had been sympathetic and understanding. They knew she was an excellent student and that she would catch up on anything she missed, but Hally felt she had let them and herself down.
“Sweetie, don’t beat yourself up about it.”
Clia told her on the way home. Wes’ day had been shorter than theirs and then he had to go to the café, so it was just the girls who walked home with her, linking arms on either side.
“Everyone understands Hals.”
Corrinne told her. Hally looked side to side at her friends and was about to reply when all three hit a particularly icy patch and slid to a heap on the ground. For a moment all was silent, then they all burst into giggles as they tried to untangle themselves from each other and stand up. This turned out to be more difficult than expected as each time one went to hold the other to stand, their feet slipped out from under them. A couple of boys from their school saw them and offered gloved hands to help them stand. Eventually and with lots of slipping and sliding, and the near fall of one of the boys; they finally got to their feet and away from the very icy patch. Flushed, hot and giggling, the girls thanked the boys and treading very carefully continued homeward.
Settled in Hally’s kitchen with hot drinks, they relayed the event to mum who also found it amusing. For Hally to see her mum smile too gave her an emotional boost and she felt her spirits lift for the first time in days. Silently she told herself that she knew she could get through this. That it would be hard, but with support from her family, friends and school, it would happen. She decided then that the next day she would go and see Mr Austin.
On the Friday after school started back, Wes, Corrinne and Clia arrived at Hally’s house early. It was the day of Gran’s funeral and they wanted to be there to support the family in any way they could. Mum and dad had already left for Granddad’s house and Hally had arranged with her mother to get Nathan ready and take him there a little later. The undertakers were going to be at Granddad’s at eleven and they would all go from there to the church.
At ten thirty Hally stood with mum in Granddad’s kitchen putting the final touches to the buffet they had prepared for the wake. Mum had remained completely composed all morning fussing over her father and making sure Nathan didn’t mess up his suit. Dad constantly fussed over his wife, giving her little hugs and kisses, soft touches and gentle pats every time he passed her. She smiled at him and accepted his attention with so much love in her eyes. Wes was as attentive towards Hally, and in turn she gave her attention to Nathan and her two friends, as she knew that they were grieving too. They had known Gran for all their lives and loved and missed her too.
At exactly eleven o’clock the undertakers pulled up outside the house. Softly they knocked and told Granddad they were ready when he was. Hally saw the hearse carrying her Grandmother through the window, floral displays laid alongside the coffin. From where she stood she could only see one side, a beautiful display saying ‘Alice’ and another saying ‘Mum’. But she knew on the other side she would see another saying ‘Gran’. Her parents had asked her and Nathan what they wanted it to read and at first Hally had thought ‘Grandmother’ but then Nathan had announced quite strongly.
“But we always call her Gran.”
His little eyes had filled with tears and Hally hugged him tight and replied.
“You are so right little brother. We do call her Gran, so it should say Gran.”
In complete contrast to Dana’s funeral, the church was filled to overflowing. People were quite literally having to stand in the aisles and at the back. There were wreaths and sprays and bouquets everywhere. Gran and Granddad had so many friends, both in the town and in various other parts of the country and it seemed they had all come to pay their respects. Hally, mum, Nathan and her friends walked behind the coffin as it was led by the vicar and carried by Granddad, dad and Wes and three pall bearers from the undertakers to the altar. They then all settled in the front pew as the service began.
Hally listened intently to the words from the vicar celebrating her Gran’s life. Sometimes there was gentle laughter from the congregation other times there were obvious sobs. Granddad stood at the lectern and tearfully yet with a smile talked lovingly about his wife. He spoke of her strength, of their family and how she would always be with them to support their every need. Mum leaned into dad and cried, holding a wad of tissues to her face. Then Hally stood and approached the lectern. She didn’t feel at all nervous even though she was about to speak to more people than she had ever done.
“There is so
much I could say about my Gran, but it would take until spring. (light laughter came from the mourners) So, what I really want you all to know is that she was the most wonderful woman anyone could ever meet. (there were murmurs of agreement) She was funny, always gave advice that could be followed without hesitation…would talk about anything and everything…and put her family above all else. And…she approved of my boyfriend just as she approved of my dad.”
Hally felt no embarrassment at this final statement, and as she returned to her seat saw Wes look at her with warmth in his eyes as he took her hand and gently squeezed it.
Tears flowed furiously from Hally, her parents, Nathan, her friends and many others as they stood by the graveside and the funeral was completed. Each of them took a small handful of the dirt offered by the vicar and gently dropped it onto the coffin. They followed this with red roses, their deep colour standing out against the white of the snow and ice laying deeply across the churchyard. When the service and burial was finished, people came over and whispered words of comfort to them. Many took their hands and held them, others gave hugs or gently pats, but all said the same, how sad that Alice was gone.
Back at Granddad’s, the house filled with friends for the wake. Dad passed drinks out and Hally with Wes, Corrinne and Clia, kept a supply of tea and coffee going. By early evening there was just a handful of people left still reminiscing to Granddad and mum about Alice. Hally could see the exhaustion on both their faces and felt worn out herself, but no one wanted to suggest they all now get some rest. Finally dad turned to Hally and said.
“Baby, could you take Nathan home, and you need some rest yourself.”
“I’m ok dad, but I will take him home. It’s been a long day for him and he’s been so well behaved I think maybe he will need to let off a little steam soon.”
Fifteen Going on Grown Up Page 18