by Kelly Link
Another voice was Lin. Lin had twins who were always doing the opposite action of whatever action Lin had told them to do. He would ask me what was my blood pressure, and I would tell him and he would say “Thank you,” and I would say “And what about the twins, today?” and he would tell me how they had ruined the new sofa with paint and pizza and jumping games and we would have a good laugh because the sofa was a thing that didn’t breathe or speak and things that didn’t breathe or speak didn’t matter the way the twins mattered or his wife mattered or his living mattered or my living mattered.
When I was a child I was very good with numbers and space. When my mother said I was going to go to a new school where I would be living away from her she told me it was because I was so good with numbers and space. When two women in dark suits came to ask me if I wanted to leave the school and be the one to fly to Valhalla first for all the world they said it was because I was the best with numbers and space they’d ever seen. I was the best with numbers and space in all the world.
At the hour I left Bala was the youngest person at GC. She was just out of school when she started working. I know that because she told me once when we were talking. Once when we were talking and she said “How’s the weather up there?” and I said “Warm and sunny. I may go to the beach later,” and I laughed and she laughed, I asked her how old she was and she told me. She was only ≈ 35780 hours older than I was. When I talked to Bala, I said “We are the all-singing, all dancing crap of the world,” and we would have a good laugh because this sentence was from a famous movie from when we were children and when I said that she would be there in her mind watching the film in the place and hour where she had watched it just like I was there in my mind watching the film in the place and hour where I had watched it. Laughing like this is a way to be in the same place as a person even if you never have been close in space with that person, even if you are ≈ 1 lightyear away from that person or > 1 lightyear away from that person.
After we had a good laugh over both remembering being children and sitting or standing where we sat or stood watching the movie that said “We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world,” Bala would say “You are so brave and important.”
The voices never said “Goodbye.” The voices said “You are so brave and important.” The voices said “You’re a good egg.” The voices said “Everyone down here loves you.”
After a long time of this, the < 1 minute of waiting, the waiting became 1-2 minutes. The light would blink and then hello and I would answer right away, then 1-2 minutes of waiting, then the voices again, talking. After a long time of this, the waiting became ≥ 2 minutes. The light would blink and then hello and I would answer right away, then ≥ 2 minutes of waiting, then the voices again, talking. After a long time of this the waiting became ≥ 10 minutes.
When the waiting became ≥ 1 hour, hello stopped. The light would blink and then the voices, talking, and I would answer right away, then ≥ 1 hour of waiting, and then the voices again, answering. After a long time of this, the ≥ 1 hour of waiting and no hello, the waiting became ≥ 2 hours. After a long time of this, the ≥ 2 hours of waiting, the waiting because ≥ 10 hours. When the waiting got to be ≥ 100 hours, the laughing started stopping.
For a long time, I knew the names of all the voices and they were always the same. Then when the waiting got to be ≥ 1000 hours, Sue Ellen was not there and there was a new voice named Ty. I asked Ty where Sue Ellen was and Ty said she was tired and she now spent her time at her home by the ocean and Ty had been hired to take her place. I tried to talk to Ty like I talked to Sue Ellen but Ty never tried to describe to me any colors or smells and Ty never said “You’re a good egg.”
When the waiting got to be ≥ 10000 hours Lin still asked what were the oxygen levels in the cockpit, and I told him and said “And how about the twins, today?” then ≥ 10000 hours of waiting, then Lin’s voice softer and slower in speaking. The twins still were doing the opposite action of whatever action Lin told them to do, but now Lin was becoming more afraid of these opposite actions. He said “Cora didn’t come home last night. We’re not sure who she’s with. I’m afraid Vivvy is getting mixed up with some bad kids, too. What’s your blood pressure?” It was ≥ 5000 hours since Lin had said his original sentence, and he would have to wait ≥ 6000 hours to hear my answer, and then I would have to wait probably ≥ 14000 hours to hear what he said back, if it was him and not Bala or Ty or some new someone there and answering when my voice came in, so I said, “I hope Cora came home and was safe and they are both still safe and happy and going to school and studying what they love to do and are mixed up only with people who are good eggs. My blood pressure is one-hundred eighteen over seventy-five.”
The bodies your body spends its time living being close to in space makes a big difference in what type of person or bird the body becomes. On the planet where I was a child, people and birds could choose to be close to or not to be close to many different types of people or birds in space. Up here I’m only close to Tom and don’t have many hours to choose not to be close to him in space. That’s okay. Tom is a good egg. I don’t mind being close to him almost all the hours I’m awake.
After the waiting got to be ≥ 20000 hours there began to be more new voices. I asked the new voices their names, then ≥ 20000 hours of waiting, then they told me, but some of the voices had been replaced already with other new voices. I didn’t ask the newer voices their names after that.
27626 hours ago the light blinked and then the voices, talking. I answered right away. Now I’m waiting. The voices will probably answer my answer after ≈ 2100 more hours of waiting. The voice I was talking to was Bala. 27626 hours ago I heard her voice and it sounded different than it ever had sounded before. She asked “What are the oxygen levels in the cockpit?” and “What’s your blood pressure?” and “How’s the weather up there?” and then she said “Hey, I just want to tell you that I’m sick and it looks a little scary, so if I’m not the one who answers you, just know that you are so brave and important. Everyone down here loves you.” 27626 hours ago Bala’s voice was not laughing, so I said “We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world,” but Bala may not answer me. Bala may not be at GC any more and she could even be no longer living, because that’s what sickness can do to a body, especially when a body lives a certain amount of hours and is no longer a child.
The planet where I was a child travels around its sun once every 8766.15 hours. While it travels, it also spins on an axis every 23.93 hours. The spinning makes what we call night and day. When a person or a bird is standing or talking on the part facing the sun, it’s called day. When they’re standing or talking on the part facing away, that’s called night. Night and day are different ways of saying touching or not touching light. We need both to live the way we live. Too much light and everything dries out. Not enough light and nothing grows.
There are different kinds of planets. Almost none of them are right for living. Most of them are too hot or too cold or have no ground to walk on or the wrong kind of air. There is a very certain type of air that is right for living. It has to have oxygen and nitrogen for people’s and birds’ lungs to breathe and for people’s and birds’ blood to carry to different parts of the body. We think Valhalla has air that will be right for the breath and blood of people and birds.
Tom is a friend to me that they sent with me to be a friend to me, since the traveling is so long and no body should have to live out such a long piece of its time alive being the only body in a space. Tom is ≈ 149490 hours younger than I am. 149490 hours isn’t a very long piece of time at all. If I stay healthy, I’ll be living ≈ 4.7 times that amount of hours, altogether. Tom will probably be living ≈ 525909 hours, altogether. If we get to Valhalla and it’s a place right for living, we’ll stay there, Tom and me. We won’t be living for a long enough time to make it back to the place where I was a child, so there’ll be no point in turning around once we get there.
; As long as you have 1 body to love or be loved from you can live. I know Tom loves me because when I say “I love you, Tom,” Tom says “I love you, Tom.” I am loved by everyone in the world where I was a child, but Tom is my only friend with me now in space. If Tom lives longer than me, he’ll probably only be living ≈ 1-8000 hours longer. He would probably be living longer than that in the place where I was a child, but being the only body in a whole world is lonely, and bodies can die like this, from love and from feeling alone.
On the planet where I was a child, scientists have studied monkey babies with monkey dolls made of stuffed socks standing in for mothers. The monkey babies are supposed to believe the stuffed monkey dolls made of socks are mothers’ bodies and press into them like they would press into their mothers’ bodies. This study is supposed to show that a baby needs to be very close to a mother or mother-like body in space and press and be pressed by a mother or mother-like body because being close in space and pressing and being pressed are some ways a body knows it’s being loved. This study is very flawed because love is a very difficult thing to study. Love is a very difficult thing to study because no one can say what it is, they just describe the different ways bodies show it.
In the place where I was a child the way people showed it was by making circles with their arms and mouths. They would make circles with their arms and put the other person in the middle of the circle and then press in with their arms until the circle got smaller. The circle of the 2 arms of one person would get so small it would press around the shape of the other person. Then the shape of the other person and the small circle of the person’s arms would make its own circle, both pressing against each other. When they made circles with their mouths they would press the circles against other person’s mouth circles, both pressing against each other. The circle was so thin it was in between the 2 skins that were pressing against each other. It was so thin a light beam could not pass through it. It was so thin you could not shoot 1 particle of light even through it.
People could also show love in other ways. They could say words that tell another person they were loving them, like when I say “I love you, Tom,” and Tom says “I love you, Tom.” They could give the other person a gift, or invite them to go to the beach. They could try to describe sounds or smells to the other person. They could tell the other person they’re a good egg. They could teach the other person something useful that someone else taught them once while loving them. They could tell the other person secret thoughts they’d always kept inside of themselves. They could ask the other person questions about their secret thoughts. They could tell the other person about little things that happened to them during their time apart and ask them questions about all of their little things. They could say a sentence from a film that both of the people had seen together or at separate hours and places. They could remember little things about the other person. They could make jokes and have a good laugh.
Most people on the planet where I was a child do not think non-human bodies can love. Fish don’t have arms and lips to make pressing circles and pigs don’t talk with human words, so most people agree these bodies don’t love. Flowers and trees don’t love because flowers don’t have brains or hearts and most people agree love is made in the brain or in the heart. Some people think dogs can love because they can understand some human words sometimes when people say them. Dogs’ arms and lips don’t make circles but they press their tongues to people’s skins and some people call that love. Some people think monkeys can love because their arms and lips look like humans’. Most people don’t think birds can love because they don’t have arms and lips, even though some of them can talk with human words. Tom doesn’t have arms or lips to make circles, but he sits on my arms and legs and his toes press into me. His toes are sharp and it hurts a little bit when they press into me, but I don’t mind because hurting a little bit is sometimes just how a body has to feel love from another body.
Tom’s feathers are the color I remember as being the color of grass. I know this might not be really the color of grass. It’s been a long time of me not seeing grass and seeing Tom’s feathers, so in my memory now, grass may be Tom’s feathers-colored when grass was not really Tom’s feathers-colored.
I have some pictures in a pictures’ box of pieces of the planet where I was a child. The back yard behind the house where I was a child and a great city filled with human bodies and a great field of grass and the beach in front of the ocean. When there’s grass in these pictures the grass is not quite Tom’s feathers-colored, but I think the pictures’ colors have faded some, because pigments fall apart when touched by radiation, and radiation comes from the stars and the ship and light from Tom’s lamp that is turned on for ≈ 14 hours/day. I remember the pictures being brighter when I first left the place where I was a child. It’s at times difficult for a person to know which is more correct, a person’s memory or a picture.
Tom has 7 toes. He had 8 toes until a 9772 hours ago. 9772 hours ago there was an accident in which Tom lost 1 toe.
Every 24 hours, I feed Tom. There could be a machine that feeds Tom, but I feed Tom because being fed by another body is one way a body knows it’s being loved. For 4 times in a row of being fed, I feed Tom small pellets of dried fruit and corn and seeds. These pellets are sealed in small aluminum bags in the ship’s larder. They will be edible ≥ 876615 hours if they are not taken out of the aluminum bags.
Every 5th time I feed Tom, I give him fruit from the freezer. The freezer is very dangerous for bodies. I have to put on a hyper-thermal suit and go through 3 doors to get to the fruit and meat. Then I carry out the fruit and meat that Tom and I are going to eat for those 5 days and they have to be thawed, which takes ≈ 5 hours in the thermo-equalizer.
Tom is most happy during the hours around every 5th time he is being fed. He hops and squawks and flaps his wings, sending sometimes feathers floating down onto the floor of the ship, where they sit until I pick them up and put them into Tom’s feathers’ box, which is on the shelf in my sleeping space next to the pictures’ box and the books’ box. He says “What time is it, Tom?” and “It’s time for fruit, Tom.”
After the first 5 times I gave Tom fruit he started doing this, hopping and squawking and flapping and talking. Every time he’s done this hopping and squawking and flapping and talking, he has never hurt himself until 9772 hours ago when he was hopping and squawking and flapping and talking, and I opened the first door to the freezer and shut the first door to the freezer and he screamed and flapped away with 7 toes and 1 toe was left on the floor inside the first door of the freezer. Tom screamed and flew around the cabin for ≈ 2 minutes, then he perched on the floor in a corner. When Tom stopped screaming I picked him up and carried him to the washing room and washed off the place where Tom’s 8th toe had been and bandaged his foot with gauze. I knew Tom was scared because I said “It’s okay, Tom,” and he didn’t say “It’s okay, Tom.” I sat with Tom until he knew it was okay. After > 2 hours, I said “It’s okay, Tom,” and Tom said “It’s okay, Tom.” Then I said “You’re a good egg, Tom,” and Tom said “You’re a good egg, Tom.”
When I knew Tom was going to be okay and go on living I opened the freezer door back up and picked up the toe. I didn’t put it in Tom’s feathers’ box, I started a new box called Tom’s toe’s box and put it in that box. After I put Tom’s toe in Tom’s toe’s box, I put Tom’s toe’s box into the freezer. Now Tom has 1 toe in the freezer in Tom’s toe’s box and 7 toes on Tom’s feet.
The way a person can tell the difference between hours is because of these differences in little things and big things. All the hours before 9772 hours ago Tom had 8 toes and all of the hours after 9772 hours ago he was - 1 toe. Other things have changed besides Tom’s toe. Tom’s left eye started becoming white ≈ 3985 hours ago, but this was not from me closing doors or opening doors. The becoming white of Tom’s left eye I think is just what happens when a body lives a certain amount of hours. Tom’s left eye became whiter ve
ry slowly over many hours, showing time. The way a person can tell the difference between hours is little things and big things are different as hours move. The last time I saw Tom, his left eye was almost completely the color I remember being the color of clouds.
For ≈ 50 hours after Tom lost his toe I was afraid because I had heard and read in certain stories that sometimes when a person is hurt by or near someone they love they can stop loving that person, but this maybe must not be true for birds because Tom still loved me even after he lost his toe near me. For all the hours after I said “It’s okay, Tom,” and Tom said “It’s okay, Tom,” I could say “I love you, Tom,” and Tom would say “I love you, Tom.” Tom would still sit on my arms and legs and press his 7 toes into my skin.
It is very good for Tom and me that he didn’t stop loving me because he lost his toe near me. Tom and I are the only bodies close to each other in space. I hear his feathers moving against each other and the air when he flies. When we’re still and the ship isn’t humming, the only things I can hear are his breath and my breath and my blood all moving. When I hear Tom’s breath and my breath I know I am not alone in space. This is important because I’ve read that bodies can die from feeling alone.
There are things a person or bird can do to try to make some of the changes of the little things happen more slowly in their bodies. Tom has a lamp that shines with light that is visible and light that is invisible in the ratio as the light on the planet where we were young. I turn on the lamp for ≈ 14 hours/day. The visible and invisible light helps Tom feel like he’s still on the planet where we were young, and helps to keep his body healthy and his feathers the color of how I remember the color of grass. Bodies are used to being and not being touched by light sometimes and not other times. I think sometimes that Tom’s feathers were more brightly the color of grass during the hours nearer to the hour when we left the place where I was a child, but it’s hard to tell because the light that keeps Tom’s feathers bright also makes the colors in the pictures of grass in the place where I was a child fade faster.