“Revenge for something that hadn't even happened yet?” I asked.
“Yes,” Michel answered, tucking me into his chest, under his arm. His hand in my hair , stroking. “She chose a Death Charm that would take from me what I valued most precious. As you have no doubt worked out, that was taking me away from you." Tears welled up in my eyes at that statement of love. “Unfortunately for me, when I arrived here, she had already been mourning Amicus for several months. Not only had he left her of his own accord, but he was now dead. She sought a replacement for him and I fitted the bill. I managed to resist her advances without causing a major political upset, but then you came to Álfheimr.” He leaned forward and kissed my head again. “I had very little to bargain with, ma douce. I had managed to seal a few alliances that may well help us in the future, but with Sofiq I had no leverage at all. Other than myself.”
He stopped then, took a deep breath in. I couldn't breathe myself. Had she...?
"No," he replied, to my incomplete, but obviously thrown thought. "It was not as bad as that. She has too much pride to force someone into her bed, but that did not mean she could not take out her fetishes, to some degree, on my flesh."
I felt instantly relieved and then just as quickly shocked at what he must have endured. I didn't want him to have to voice what her fetishes were, and in any case I got the gist of it clearly enough. It would not have been nice. He offered himself to provide me with some sort of protection. Had it been worth it? I was alive and in his arms. But at what cost?
“How long? How long do you have to continue to make yourself available to her?”
“Five days and they are now complete.” The five days I had been alone in this room. That's why he had not come to me sooner. He had been with her. “She holds nothing more over us and you are safe in these rooms. No one will try to take you from me. She will no doubt try to trip you up. Use you in some way in this war. But, you are mine and no one else's. She has decreed it so.”
“Michel.” It was all I could get out, but I guess it must have said everything I needed to say. How sorry I was that he'd had to do that. How sad I was for what he had been through which undoubtedly, due to the state of him when he turned up here, had been more than most men could withstand. How much I ached for what we both had been through. Because he simply pulled me closer and claimed my mouth with his.
Not too long, just enough to let me know how much he wanted me. He was trying his damnedest to not frighten me off. When he pulled back his arm brushed Lutin's bracelet and he hissed.
“Oh, ma douce,” he said when he recognised it. “What does it do?”
“It keeps me from my Light.” I was surprised how small my voice sounded. My Light is very much who I am. Without it, would Michel still love me?
“Nothing will ever stop me from loving you, Lucinda. Nothing,” he said vehemently. “Then attempted to brush the bracelet again.
It must have hurt his skin to touch it, because he grimaced, but he didn't stop. Trying to turn it one way then the other, to determine how to get it off. I'd been there, done it all. There was no getting this sucker off my arm. Lutin had briefly for the kvángask, I don't even know how he did, and I didn't want to dwell on the ceremony right now to figure it out.
“It's useless. It won't come off. No matter how hard I try, it's seamless and too tight.”
“There may be some here who can help. A few fey owe me a favour.” His eyes flicked up to mine. “How long have you been wearing it?”
“Only a couple of days. He placed it on my arm just before he brought me to Álfheimr.” I sighed and fiddled with the bracelet nervously. “It was a good move, without my Light I couldn't shield from him. Without my Light I had no defence.”
A low growl started, getting a little louder as the seconds ticked by. I watched as Michel's dragon flicked across his eyes. I could always tell when Michel's dragon decided to come out and play. Just a slightly different look in those beautiful eyes of his. For a while there, I was afraid of the vampire inside Michel. Michel has control in almost everything he does, he is well in command. His vampire, when let loose, can be like a tornado. All power and unconstrained fury. The good thing though, was that Michel's dragon-vampire within loved me too.
“Michel,” I said, resting my hand on his arm. “I got away. I'm OK.” I wasn't sure if that was true. Goddess knows what the consequences of sharing my Light with Lutin would be. I may have been in complete agreement with him at the time, but I wasn't so sure now. The guilt and worry of what I had done, the doubt and uncertainty of what it would entail, were all catching up with me.
I hadn't even realised I'd started hyperventilating. Suddenly I couldn't get a full breath in. Michel was on his knees beside me, soothing me with slow strokes across my back. Saying soft words in French in my ear. Willing me to calm. Finally, he got through to me and I sagged against his body, as silent tears rolled down my cheeks.
“We completed the kvángask.” My voice was broken and uneven, but I needed to say it all. To get the Dark out. “I didn't really have a choice, my Light was cut off and then when he removed the bracelet for the ceremony and sharing of Light, the drink he had made me consume meant I couldn't use my Light to harm. I wanted to, but I was trapped, and in the end..." I paused, unable to say the rest, to admit that I had wanted to see what sharing Light actually felt like. But, I couldn't keep this to myself, I needed him to know it all. Perhaps it was fatalistic, perhaps it was selfish, but I couldn't carry the weight of my guilt alone. I needed him to know and I needed, at least, his understanding, if not his forgiveness. "In the end, I wanted to know what it felt like." My voice was so small, I was surprised he could still hear me. "I wanted to see what sharing Light was all about."
He didn't hesitate, he didn't pull away. “You. Are. Mine.” He said each word succinctly. There was no threat or menace, just a simple statement of fact. “He will pay for putting you in this position, ma douce, for making you feel guilt for something you had no control over. No choice. But know this, the kvángask means nothing to me. You are alive and you are mine.”
There was a time when his possessiveness, his need to claim me as his own, would have made me run from the room screaming. I had fought him back then, every time he tried that macho crap out on me. I battled against the invisible binds I felt they entailed. But now? Now, knowing I was still his, knowing that he wanted to claim me as his own, meant more to me than I ever thought it could. I wasn't giving up my independence, I'd always have that. I wasn't baring my belly to the Alpha male and acting subservient. Michel knew I'd always bite back. What I was doing, when I reached for him as he said those words, was allowing someone else in. I was allowing someone else to love me completely. Body, mind and soul.
And we didn't even have a joining for me to blame it on. Michel was mine as I was his and I didn't need a reason for it to be so. It just was.
“Then claim me,” I said against his lips and received a deep growl in response.
“I thought you'd never ask,” he murmured as he rolled me on my back and kissed me hard.
All thoughts of fairies vanished. Only Michel mattered. Michel and me.
Chapter 17
Doubts
Michel kissed me like he wanted to exist inside my body. Like he was tasting me for the very first time. It was aggressive, but at the same time, miraculous. I think for both of us, it was a little surreal. We wanted it so much, but we couldn't really believe that it was happening.
He kept stopping and pulling back to look at me. Maybe to make sure I was still there or I was OK. Once he took a good look at my face he'd devour me again. His lips brushing mine would lead to his tongue running along the inside edge of my mouth. Which in turn would make him groan and delve deeper. The deeper the kiss, the more fervent the desire. It was like a snowball, rolling down a steep mountainside, gaining speed and getting bigger and bigger, and faster and faster.
I knew we wouldn't be able to stop. Not that I was thinking either of us in
tended to, but I did feel like I was being swept up in more than just lust. I had missed him. An understatement or more accurately: a misnomer. A part of me had been missing. I had a gaping hole where Michel used to live in my heart. But, since he had been gone, that hole had changed shape. Or maybe he had, from his experiences here. Because now, for some reason, it was as though he didn't quite fit. That hole wasn't the right shape or size for him anymore.
So, it felt different and not exactly right. But, oh dear goddess, it felt good. And maybe a little new. Like when you first meet someone and fall for them, it's all new and different and amazing. I knew Michel, but we had both been through so much we were now different from what we had been. And I think, it was going to take a bit of time to get used to each other again.
He moved on from my mouth to discover the rest of my body. Although we both were frantic to touch and taste the other, we both took our time to rediscover. His hands worked effortlessly at the buttons on my dress, never stopping his pursuit of tasting my skin. Every single inch of my skin. His lips were warm and soft, his tongue wet and with every lick a shot of pure delight went through my entire body.
This is what I had missed. This need so strong, this attraction so powerful. Yet despite that basic of desires, there was more here than just fantastic sex. There was something so deep that it was a part of our souls: our love for one another.
The smoothness in which he removed my dress did make me think he was obviously familiar with the Fey dress styles. I didn't want any negative thoughts to break the bliss that his touch and attention was creating, but I couldn't help it. A part of me kept thinking this was a trick, a tease. This moment with him. I kept feeling shadows of doubts lurking in the back of my mind.
Michel had been here a long time and although he said he hadn't given in to the Queen's demands, part of me wondered how many of the pretty glamoured Dökkálfa had he managed to seduce in the ten months of captivity here. Or, how many had seduced him before I arrived.
I tried to push the thoughts away, but this was Michel. He was perfect. He filled a room when he walked into it. He commanded attention from men and attraction from women. I'd not always been jealous of his ability to turn heads. Occasionally I had perhaps, but on the whole I'd felt comfortable in myself to stand on my own. But, with what had been happening to both us, not only had my confidence been shattered, but my belief that he could still love me, after everything that had happened, had been destroyed too.
The dress was gone and his hands coasted over my body like feathers. His lips were hot against my suddenly cold skin. I didn't deserve his attention. I didn't deserve his care. I was beginning to wonder if I deserved his love at all.
Lutin had stolen my Light. I was no longer Michel's petite belle lumiere. I had completed the kvángask. I was Lutin's elska and now his Princess. I was no longer Michel's kindred and joined Nosferatin. No longer Bonded to him. He couldn't sense my emotions. I couldn't feel him down the end of a connection.
He didn't wear my Sigillum. He was not mine.
It took a little while for him to notice I was no longer participating. He was having too much fun rediscovering every minute detail of my body. But, then he pulled away from my stomach, where he had been diligently laying kiss upon kiss, and noticed I had started crying. Glistening tears trailing down my cheeks and long drawn out breaths, barely in control.
He scooped me up and held me tight against his chest. His arms; strong bands of heat around my waist. One hand cradling my head, the other stroking my back. His breath was hot against my cheek when he spoke.
“Ma douce, what is wrong? Please tell me.”
I couldn't speak, the words were lead weights in my heart. He held me, rocked me, stroked me for a long time. Maybe waiting for me to talk. Maybe just aware that I couldn't and he wouldn't push me. After what felt like an hour he started talking.
“I was confused when I first woke up here. I remembered the battle with Amicus. I could still smell it, hear it. I remembered watching Amicus feed from your neck.” His fingers came up automatically to stroke where Amicus had bitten me, trying to drain me dry. “I remembered your Light and then suddenly being able to reach you. Then nothing else. Just a cold black stone floor and a room full of the Dökkálfa. It took several more seconds for me to piece it all together, but Sofiq beat me to it. She knew I had killed Amicus even though she had no connection to him.”
He flicked his wrist and made the bed covers rise up over us, surrounding us in warmth.
“This bed smells of you,” he whispered, kissing my cheek. Then louder added, “They took my clothes as soon as they secured me. I had nothing left of your scent on me. I tried to remember it. For a while I could. Candied apples and sunshine, honey and Spring. Then no matter what I did, as time went by, I'd forget the exact combination.” He took a deep breath in, then went on in a low, calm voice. “I was kept in the dungeon to start with. Sofiq would visit to see what her torturers were doing. I knew the only way to survive was to appeal to her in some way. So I studied her when she visited. Then I would converse with her. I couldn't glaze, it would have been too obvious. Besides, within days I was too weak.
“They have no humans in the Dökkálfa Court. Only the Ljósálfar capture human children from their cribs. But, as I gained Sofiq's trust, she found a human I could feed from. Maybe she stole him from the Ljósálfar, but it became obvious he knew who he was and he wanted out of Álfheimr.”
“Alerac,” I said, quietly.
“Yes. I couldn't feed from him daily, he had to return to the Ljósálfar Court on a regular basis, for fear of being discovered, but we struck a bargain of sorts. Once a week, he would come here and I could feed and stave off fey-blood sickness. And in turn I would ensure he escapes with me when I leave.”
“You are planning on leaving?” I asked with a little laugh. Locked door, guards outside the room and having just recovered from nearly a week's worth of torture. I just couldn't see it myself.
“Oh, I don't think it will be easy, Sofiq does not give up her toys without a fight.” He glanced at the shadows in the corner of the room. Obviously aware they could listen in. His voice was barely audible as he spoke in my ear. “We will leave this realm. We will get back to Auckland. I have spent the past six months of my time here working towards just that. The only change to the plan is that I will be taking you with me, not trying to get back to you in our realm.”
He kissed behind my ear softly, then must have remembered my inaction from just before, because he pulled back and looked at me and said, “A lot has happened, both for me here and for you. I want to know what you can tell me, what you are feeling, but only because I want to offer support. I do not need to know, nor do I think it has an effect on us being together. Unless you wish to make it so.
“Our experiences mould us, ma douce. I am not naïve enough to think we both may not have changed. But I know one thing for an absolute truth. I love you. I never stopped. I never will. No matter what you have done, no matter how much you believe your experiences have changed you, I will keep loving you. And if I have to, I will prove it to you again and again and again.”
I stared into his deep blue eyes for a moment.
“Tell me this, Lucinda...” And I knew we had hit the serious part of the conversation, as he was using my given name and not his pet name for me. “Do you still love me despite what I may have done?”
There was no hesitation, I didn't need to think. I would love Michel forever. No matter what. “Of course I do. I will always love you.”
“Then provide me the same courtesy.”
“What?” I asked, bewildered.
He sighed. “Lucinda, do not be a hypocrite. If you can still love me regardless of what has transpired while I was here, then can I not do the same? Can I not love you no matter what?”
“Oh.”
“Yes oh,” he said and a flash of magenta suddenly washed his eyes.
His dragon looked back at me with reproach. I held his gaze
. “OK,” I said and bit my bottom lip waiting for his vampire-within to pounce.
“Just OK?” Michel asked.
I let a breath of air out in response. He was right. Of course he was right, Michel was always right. But, we'd both been through Hell and if I still felt the same way about him as I did before all of this, regardless of what had happened, then why couldn't he feel the same too?
“You really still love me no matter what?” I asked for clarification.
His vampire growled. “I would die a million deaths for you, Lucinda, if it meant you could live. I will do anything to be with you. Sell my soul. Destroy the world. Give up my riches, my powers, my everything, if only I could keep loving you. It is irrelevant what we have both had to do to survive, to make it through another day. It has no, nor will it ever have any, bearing on how I feel for you. I love you now more than I have ever loved you in the past. You survived. How can I not love you for that?”
I didn't think I'd tell him how close I had come to giving it all up. Not only once, but twice, I tried to kill myself. To end the grief. Because I knew what he would say. But you didn't do it. You survived. And I had done. I had survived. Like my father, my birth father who handed me the Nosferatin gene, once said: Do whatever you need to do to survive. And then forgive yourself afterwards.
It wasn't going to be easy to forgive myself. I admit I have a problem with guilt. I cling to it when I perhaps shouldn't. But I do know what I am good at. I never stop fighting. Whether it's fighting to live or fighting to end it all, I always fight back. I didn't want to end it all, not now, not ever. Michel lived. He was right here beside me, holding me, stroking me, watching me. I would fight for Michel, while I fought for me. And I would not let my enemies, whoever they all end up being, win.
Shadow's Light Page 20