I look over at Con. He’s lying on his front, his head facing toward me. His arms are flat and up under his head. His eagle tattoo snakes up his back and disappears over his shoulder and I know it almost reaches his Forever Love script over his heart. He had that tattoo inked when we split up, apparently he wanted something to show that sometimes you can love someone forever, even when you’re apart. I sigh, he’s just so breathtakingly sexy. His hair is slightly ruffled and he has a five o’clock shadow across his jaw. I have no idea how I had the willpower to push him away for all these years, let alone how I watched him with all those other women.
I look out the window again and try to close my eyes. Con has no curtains or blinds up at his window which is why I can’t block the light out. I have no idea how he sleeps through it. Glancing at the clock on his nightstand, I see it’s just after five a.m. so I slowly edge out of his bed. I know he needs his sleep because he will be fighting jetlag. He probably needed to rest yesterday during the day, which knowing Con, means he pushed himself to stay up so he could sleep at the correct time and rid himself of the jetlag as soon as humanly possible.
Once I’m up, I grab his Henley from last night and pull it over my head. I stop and take another look at him. Now I’ve moved, I can see him from the other side, and it does nothing to take away from his hotness. I shake my head and sigh looking at him. It doesn’t matter what happens now I’m invested in him and if he doesn’t want me anymore… I’m fucked.
I tiptoe down the stairs as quietly as possible and move to the kitchen, deciding tea is in order. Quickly, I realise this was a bad idea with bare feet and no heating on in November. My feet are freezing. I move into the lounge room and look around for a pair of slippers, hell at this point I would put on his trainers even knowing his feet are twice as big as mine. I don’t see any footwear, but my eye catches his suitcase. I know it’s probably not ethical to rummage around in his belongings, although I always used to do things like that without worrying, but now our relationship has taken another turn I guess the boundaries need to be set again. On the other hand, there’s no way I’m walking into that kitchen with its cold granite tiled floor barefoot again. But I need a cuppa and I don’t want to wake Con.
Buggar it! I decide to do it and tell him retrospectively. Forgiveness is something I’ll be needing a lot of from him. I don’t think another notch will make a big difference in the grand scheme of things. I unzip his suitcase and immediately see lots of clothes. I hold the case open and am about to shut it realising there’s no footwear when clean socks catch my eye. I know how Con packs and I, therefore, know this is his clean clothes case and he will have a holdall somewhere which will contain all his dirty clothes. He’s probably dumped it in the utility room ready to go in the washing machine – so organised. I smile and fling the top open so I can grab a pair of socks. The force of me throwing open the case means that paperwork falls out of the inside pocket. I roll my eyes thinking back on the countless times I’ve said to Con that he shouldn’t store any paperwork there because it’s not secure. When I grab the documents ready to put back, I see the corner of a photograph and it catches my eye. I recognise it. I pull it out of the pile and the other papers float to the floor, but I can’t pull my eyes from this photograph.
It’s a large photo which has two separate images portraying the same shot twice, about ten years apart. I remember when Con had it made.
“Come on precious, it will be great,” Con said tugging my arm. I sighed and nodded. He knew I didn’t want to do it as much as I knew it was important to him. The only difference being that I was just being stubborn because I hated having my photo taken. That’s why nearly every photo of me is a caught as an off-guard image. One where I’m usually doing something, or about to do something, and a lot of them turn out blurry. Con, even knowing my feelings wouldn’t let this go. It was something he had seen on television. Having a similar photograph taken years after the first. He wanted to do this to commemorate our first two months together.
He’d pulled out a photograph his mum had of us when we were six. He had his arm around me and was looking down at me - although he was only a couple of inches taller -while I looked up at him. We smiled at each other like the world was our oyster and nothing was going to stop us.
“You know this will be great to show our kids one day,” he winked. That was the final piece for me, I crumbled under his gaze.
“Oh, come on then,” I huffed, but he knew I wasn’t really annoyed.
We walked to his mum’s house and set up her camera which luckily had an auto-timer. After trial and error, we managed to work out a spot where we could have the picture taken properly. The camera was balancing on top of his broken garden table, three books and a pile of coasters, but we got it there, set the timer and got into position.
I stood with him, his arm draped over my shoulders. Although this time, he was at least a foot taller than me and I stared up at him. My eyes moved over his face, burning every image I could take of him into my brain as quickly as I could. He was beautiful and he was mine.
He stood gazing down at me as I looked up into his eyes. “Pea, there was another reason I did this.”
I frowned slightly not sure what was coming and he glanced over at the camera.
“Twenty seconds,” he said, my frown grew.
“What…what are you talking about, Con?” I questioned.
“Precious, I wanted to catch a specific moment in time. I wanted it to be immortalised so I would be able to look at it whenever I please.”
I shook my head slightly. “What?”
“I love you, Pea.” I gazed up at him with wonder while he smiled down at me like I was his reason for breathing, and I heard the ‘click’ of the camera. My breath whooshed out of me in a rush and I was still staring up at him.
“You know I love you too, right?” I said and he nodded. “Yeah precious, I do. Now I’ll have that forever.”
I look at the photo in front of me split in two. One side holds two young children and the promise of something. The other side holds two young adults embarking on that promise. I feel the tears pool in my eyes. Happy tears. Happy that he still has this photo that I thought was lost, and warmth flows through me as I realise he took it with him.
I feel a pair of warm arms slip around my waist. “I never could let that photo go,” he whispers in my ear. I turn and look up at him. I truly do see my future in his eyes. If he walks away now, he will destroy me.
“It was always you, Con.”
He smiles and grabs my chin, tilting my head back then he brings his lips down and touches mine while keeping his eyes staring straight into mine.
“I’ll always love you, precious. You should know that by now.”
I gulp and slide my eyes away looking to the floor.
“What’s wrong, Pea?” Con asks, his tone has changed to concerned.
“There are some things… some things I need to share with you,” I mutter.
I know I need to be brave. We can never truly be together while this sits in between us keeping us apart. I grab his hand and look up into his worried eyes.
“Come and sit down. This isn’t going to be easy to say, or hear, but I need to tell you.”
He nods and fear crosses his face.
We sit silently on the sofa for a few minutes. I’m trying to prepare what I’m going to say, not that you can really prepare for something like this. He’s obviously trying to work out what I could possibly want to say. Although, I’m fairly certain he won’t expect what’s coming next… ever.
“There’s something that I have kept a secret. Something I need to tell you if we’re really going to make a go of this,” I speak slowly not wanting to say the wrong thing.
He just watches me, waiting for the bombshell to drop.
“Okay, here goes… I’ve been pregnant before.”
His hand jolts in mine and his eyebrows pull into a frown.
“Actually just to be clear I’ve been pre
gnant twice,” I whisper and he stills. I don’t give him a chance to speak instead deciding to just get I all out quickly. “I lost the babies… both times… by miscarriage.”
Con unlocks his body and I watch his face soften, he squeezes my hand and I pull it from his, he frowns again and I twist my fingers around each other looking down at my lap. He still hasn’t said anything and I know it’s because he’s processing.
“I thought…” he suddenly says and it jerks me from my thoughts, his voice sounds croaky like he’s trying to hold it together. “I thought there has only ever been me?” I can see the hurt behind his eyes, he thinks I lied to him, which I did, just not about that.
He shakes his head “Doesn’t matter, baby. You are trying to tell me about a difficult time that’s happened in your past and I’m more worried about myself, imagining you with someone else… fuck I’m being a dick.” He lowers his head and I feel like a royal bitch.
I know he needs to do this for me, to let me vent and purge. I’m aware that he wants to know all the details of my life and he thinks that’s all I’m giving to him and in doing so he doesn’t want me to see his reaction to the hurt he feels for my lies. No doubt about being with someone else, and also about the fact that I was pregnant at all. “He’s such a great guy.”
“Only great with you, precious,” he grunts and grabs my hand again and I realise I said that last part out loud.
“Con.” I wait until he looks at me. Be brave Pearson. All or nothing. “The first time I found out I was pregnant with twins…” His eyes widen just enough that I notice. “It was a few weeks after I went abroad for my twentieth birthday.” I can see his eyes working and before he adds the pieces together I continue, “The second time was this year about a month or so after my birthday.” His whole body rocks and he pulls his hand from mine and stands up.
“You… you,” he starts and shakes his head. His whole body is vibrating and I’m not sure if it’s from anger or shock.
“You weren’t lying about it being only me were you?” his voice is quiet, deadly and his eyes flare. I guess my previous question is answered – he’s not vibrating from shock.
I shake my head no and he pinches the bridge of his nose and looks up at the ceiling.
“My babies?” he clips and I nod. “Twins and then another one.” I nod again and I feel tears slipping down my cheeks.
“Don’t turn on the fucking waterworks, Pearson,” he growls and I shy away from his rage.
“You were pregnant by me twice, and you never had the decency to tell me?” he shakes his head then shouts, “Twice!”
“I’m sorry, Con.”
“What the fuck does sorry do now, huh? You left acting all high and mighty because you thought I’d fucked someone else. For years, I tried to win you back, tried to make you mine, and show you the promise of all that we could be. Fucking Years!” he roars. “All this time you had a huge secret that wasn’t yours to keep. They were my babies too. I had a right to know. We could’ve sorted things out, made things better. I could’ve been there for you, and we wouldn’t have been in this turmoil all this time.” He stops and then carries on almost to himself, “I wondered why you’d been so closed off for so long.” He stares at me and I see those same cold eyes from my dream this morning until he turns to look out of the window.
“Con, I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep your babies safe,” I whisper and he spins around and thunders, “After all this fucking time, you think I blame you? Is that what you’re worried about Pearson, huh? Well, don’t worry, I don’t blame you.” He shakes his head and looks down at his feet. “I thought you knew me better than that. Maybe we don’t know each other at all.” He storms past me and up the stairs and I sit silently for a moment trying to compose myself. I then hear him thunder down the stairs and into the garage. A moment later the car starts up and he races away from me.
I wait for a while, it must be at least an hour then I gather my stuff and get dressed back into my dress. I look at my mobile, but Con hasn’t called. I scroll down my contacts and wonder who to call early on a Saturday.
I press call and the phone rings.
“Pea?”
“I told him,” I say through sobs, “He’s gone.”
“Where are you?”
“At his house.”
“I’ll be there in five minutes,” he says and hangs up.
Five minutes later Saul hustles me into his car and takes me back to his place. He manages to put me to bed in his spare room, although it’s all kind of like a bad dream. I sob and he holds me.
“It’s okay, baby girl. It’s okay,” he says and then I drift away knowing I’m destroyed forever.
I screech my car to a halt and storm up to Murphy’s. If ever there was a time I needed to get my aggression out, it is now. I throw the door open and see Paddy in his office. He starts making his way to me, but I throw my hand up. “Not now Paddy,” I state and march on. I see him nod and sit back down.
I change into my shorts and forgo a top, I don’t have to hide away from pawing women in this gym. It’s all about the power, the speed and the stamina in here. Nobody cares how you look and they leave you to your own devices.
I bandage my hands and walk into the gym to warm up. Twenty minutes later and I’m kicking the shit out of a punching bag and feeling my aggression rise steadily to the surface. My phone chimes and I freeze for a second. I don’t know whether I want to look or not, I’m not sure whether a text from Pea will push me over this very sharp edge I’m currently balancing on.
“Fuck it,” I growl and bend to grab the phone. My eyebrows pinch when I see it’s a text from Saul.
Saul: Con, what did you say to her? You’ve fucking broken her.
“What the fuck!” I roar, “I broke her?... Her?... and that fucker knew?”
I watch as people stop and stare, and when I glare at them they quickly turn and get back to what they were doing. I eye them for a moment, wishing one of them would start a fight so I could beat out the pure rage that’s flowing through my bloodstream right now.
I stand with my hands hanging at my sides for a moment and breathing through my nose, not knowing what to do. Then I text Saul back.
Me: You knew?
He replies instantly.
Saul: You know I did. You know me. Your brain is working it out right now, putting the pieces together.
Fuck, at least someone seems to know me. I think back to that conversation we had on the phone before I came back. “She’s been through a lot. More than anyone knows. She hasn’t always dealt with things in the right way. You might have to move on from the past to get to the future you want.”
He was trying to tell me then. I don’t blame him, I know he’d never give away anyone’s secrets. I also know him well enough to be certain that he would’ve tried to get her to tell me. Still, it doesn’t detract from what she’s done.
I shake my head in disbelief and text back.
Me: Yeah, you’re right. I know you wouldn’t have told me. But this is a head fuck bro.
Saul: Maybe, but I thought you would’ve handled it better. What did you say?
Me: I lost it. I didn’t mean to. She thought I cared about the fact that she lost my babies. After all these years Saul, that’s what she thinks of me.
Saul: Fuck.
Me: Yep.
Saul: So what now?
I decide to call him.
“Con.”
“I don’t know what’s next, Saul? I just don’t know. I’m not sure I can ever look at her the same.”
“What do you mean?” he says in a whisper obviously he has her with him somewhere.
“She’s there!” I ask, but it’s not a question.
“Yeah, but she’s asleep in the spare bedroom.”
I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and sigh. “I used to look at her like she was precious. Like she held my future happiness in her eyes. It’s always been her, Saul. I got over the hurt I felt when she didn’t allo
w me to explain the cheating incident. She nearly broke me… you were there. You know. Still, this… this is more… bigger… she has just demonstrated that after all these years, she doesn’t know me at all. I just don’t know if I can ever see her the same. Maybe she needs someone else, someone who can treat her how she wants… needs to be treated.”
“Con, you don’t mean that. You love her. You’ll forgive her once you calm down and she explains.”
“I’m not sure that’s true anymore,” I admit to myself as much as to Saul.
I can hear him take a small intake of breath.
“Con, you can’t honestly believe that you’ll never see her in the same way. You can’t honestly believe you’ll be okay with her loving someone, and that someone not being you. You can’t really be ready to give up?”
I can hear the disbelief in his voice and my own cracks when I say, “I’m not sure I can love her anymore.”
“Just… don’t do anything. Have a couple of days to think things over, to decide what you want. Don’t bulldoze into this. Chill out bro and think.”
I nod my head. “Yeah, will do.”
“You at Murphy’s?” he asks, but he already knows the answer.
“At least someone knows me. Later,” I say then hang up with his, “later,” hanging in the air.
I gaze into the mirror at myself.
Why is it that through all of that, I can actually find it in me to forgive her for keeping it from me and move forward? But the part where she apologised about losing my babies… I can’t seem to move past it. I keep hearing it in my head, it’s going round and round in a loop. After all these years of knowing each other, being friends and lovers. I thought she knew me. I never thought she would for one second even feel the need to say that to me. I thought she knew me enough that the ridiculous idea that I thought she hadn’t been able to keep my babies safe would never even cross her mind. I thought we had the kind of love that lasts more than a lifetime. The kind of love that would feed our children and grandchildren. Epic love.
Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts Series Book 1) Page 25