She slid into the booth and stared at the table top. Each table was different. The surface was covered in old comic books with a thick layer of clear acrylic on top. She traced the name of a familiar Archie comic and focused on breathing.
Just because she’d figured out her fears didn’t mean she’d conquered them.
Gideon’s hand slid across to her, palm up. She placed her hand in his, grateful for his quiet support.
“Talk to me,” he said.
“I have some really annoying knee jerk reactions, you know?” She chuckled, but it was forced.
“Like?” Gideon’s focus remained on her, never once glancing away despite the bright lights and people milling around the games a couple yards away.
“I’m fine being here with a group, but just the two of us? I keep feeling like I’m about to get sucker punched.”
“It will never be stupid or out of place to have things that make you nervous. Do you want to get out of here, or do you want those loaded fries?”
“I want the fries more than I want to leave. Progress, right?”
“Exactly. That’s not a decision you’d have made back then.” Gideon’s smile widened.
She still felt silly and outrageous. People went out all the time. Which brought her back to the reason she’d gone to see Gideon in the first place. She wanted to change herself. She wanted to be done with fear and being boxed into this corner.
The waitress arrived and took their order with a smile and a promise to get things out fast.
“What’s the deal with the games? Do you pay to play?” He nodded at the nearest line of machines.
“No, just wait your turn. Some people will line up quarters to show they’re next in line, but the games don’t cost.”
“Cool. Seems like a neat place to come during down hours.”
“Fewer lines, obviously.”
“Why the crowds then?”
“People like to show off, beat high scores, challenge people. That sort of stuff.”
Gideon stared across the restaurant, the still nature of his posture sending a lick of panic through her. She glanced over her shoulder. The crowd parted a bit, and she caught sight of Josh and the other guys from the HitPoint show clustered at a table together.
She groaned and shut her eyes for a moment.
Great.
“They haven’t seen us, if that makes you feel better,” Gideon said.
“Not really.” She propped her chin on her hand. “I didn’t tell the girls we went out, yet. I’m going to. I promise.”
“Because you don’t think they will understand?”
“No. And Rashae would have something to say about you, no doubt.”
“Me? She doesn’t even know me.”
“No, but she’s super loyal and probably thinks us not being friends is your fault. The only people who know about us is Ellie and Josh.” Piper knew both their thoughts on her fake boyfriend. She didn’t need a refresher.
“Josh. Big blond guy?”
Piper frowned and studied Gideon for a moment. Had she ever mentioned Josh to him? How did he know who Josh was to recognize him?
“Josh might have introduced himself and given me the big brother treatment a few days ago.”
“Shut...up...” Piper gaped at Gideon. She couldn’t begin to wrap her head around that.
“You have people in your life who care about you a lot. Let them. It’s what good friends do.” He stroked her knuckles with his thumb.
She wanted to be, but sometimes it seemed like every time she opened up to the girls they handed down their decisions about what Piper should do, how she should act. They meant well. They were wishing her whole, and that was great. But, she wasn’t complete yet. There were parts of her that might never heal, and they couldn’t accept that Piper was stuck in a state of broken she didn’t know if it could be fixed.
“Piper, hi.”
Piper glanced up at the thin, blonde woman standing at the end of their table. Her glasses made her eyes appear owlishly large and there wasn’t a world in which her top and skirt matched, but those were quirky characteristics that made Cara Vaughn who she was.
“Hey.” Piper stood and hugged the only person in the grill who could possibly be more awkward than she was right now.
“Is it just the two of you tonight?” Cara asked.
“Yeah.”
“The other girls are...” Cara squinted, as though she were trying to read fine print.
“They did another date day. You should go along on those. I bet it would be nice to be around other couples.”
“I couldn’t do that. I’d be too nervous around all of them.”
“Rashae would love to have someone who cares about cosplay as much as she does. You should do it.”
“Okay. I’ll think about it.” Cara glanced over her shoulder. “I’d offer for you to join us, but...”
“Josh and Nate take up the space of two people. We’re good over here. This is Gideon, by the way.” Piper gestured at Gideon, who sat quietly by with that silly smile on his face.
“Nice to meet you.” Cara extended her hand and Gideon took it.
“Do you work on HitPoint, too?” he asked.
“Oh, no. My husband does.” Cara’s smile widened to the point it seemed to split her face in half. “Sorry, not used to saying that yet.”
“How long have you two been married? And which one is yours?”
Piper couldn’t help the bite of jealousy. Gideon wasn’t just good with her, he was good with people. He made the most out of place, awkward souls comfortable. Everyone was special around him.
“Since January.” Cara flexed her left hand and glanced down at the thin band on her finger. “Nate, he does the audio on the show. I think he must have gone to get refills. He’s the big guy in the Star Wars shirt.”
“Well, congratulations,” Gideon said
“Thanks. Well, I’m going back to my table now. Bye.” Cara turned and strode away, completely unaware of the world around her.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Gideon asked.
Piper slid back into the booth and pulled out her vibrating phone. She frowned at the five-word text from Josh.
Having fun on your date?
She didn’t glance in his direction, but she felt Josh’s eyes on her.
Piper turned notifications off and placed her phone face down on the table.
Gideon waited without comment or question.
“I wish I had Cara’s confidence to just be myself. She might be an odd duck, but she’s never anything except who she is.”
“When have you ever apologized for being who you are?”
“Right now?” She shrugged and glanced toward Josh, but there were too many people clustered between the machines. “I wish I wasn’t such a total spaz. We’re just getting dinner and my brain is starting to ramp up. My hands are sweating, I keep wanting to look around, at some point I’m going to get startled, then...it’s stupid.”
“Hey? Hey, it’s not stupid.” Gideon stretched his hand out toward her and she took it. “How about we get the food to go, okay? There’s no point in sitting here if you aren’t going to be able to enjoy it.”
“That sounds like wimping out.”
“Think of this as a test run. Dipping your toes into the water. You aren’t copping out, you’re making progress.”
Piper hated the idea of leaving, but staying would only wind her up until she’d want to hide under the table and not come out.
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“Totally. I’ll go let them know and wait on the food, you go take a breather.” He slid the Jeep keys across to her.
“Thanks, Gideon.”
She wanted to be better than she was. To not care what Josh said or what anyone else thought, but she wasn’t there yet. For now, she had Gideon to lean on.
9.
GIDEON WIPED HIS FINGERS on the napkin and leaned back in the seat. This was twice now they watched the sun set, thoug
h the first time was more spectacular. The view from the front seat of his Jeep wasn’t bad. One look at traffic and they’d realized the only way to eat still warm fries was finding a spot to pull over. The ocean side parking lot was a perfect solution.
In hindsight, he should have triple checked with Piper before they left the house. He’d wondered if she was ready for a public, two-person outing but hadn’t wanted to make her doubt herself.
“What’d you think?” Piper asked.
Gideon winced. His thoughts weren’t food focused, and he didn’t know how to convey his concern. The old Piper was a much more fragile creature than the one he was with.
“Food was good,” he said.
“Yeah?” She peered across the cab at him.
“Yeah.”
She kept studying him, those baby blue eyes of hers too perceptive to not know his mind had wandered.
“Want to take a walk?” he gestured at the beach.
“Not really. What’s that look mean?” she asked.
“I was just...” He blew out a breath. He had to be honest. “I was kind of kicking myself for not checking with you before we left. I don’t want to undermine you, but I also...it’s hard to turn that switch off the one that makes me want to protect you.”
Piper leaned her head back against the seat and reached across, wrapping her hand around his. He was keenly aware that up until now, it was almost always him reaching for her, not the other way around.
“Thanks for letting me fall on my face. I need to do that, or I’ll stay in my bubble, never dealing with my anxiety. I don’t want to live in my bubble anymore.”
“I can’t say I liked it.” Sitting back and watching the struggle play out on her face brought up all those helpless, frustrated feelings he’d gone through watching her have to endure Carl’s vitriol. “How are you really doing?”
“You mean about tonight, or...?”
“Tonight, and in general.”
“Kind of annoyed with Josh.”
“What’s the deal with you two, anyway?”
“Tamara tried to get us to go on a date. It...did not go well. Josh is like the big brother I never knew I had, and he can be annoying about it. He sent me a text instead of coming over to say hi. It was dumb and a little passive aggressive.”
“What’d the text say?” There had to be a real reason she was annoyed.
“Having fun, or something.” Piper glanced away.
“And that annoyed you?”
“I was doing okay, but... The whole idea that people were at other tables talking about me. Us. It just fucked with my head, and I didn’t need it from a friend.”
“You have had to endure more than any one person should. I think that you have rebounded and built an amazing life for yourself.” Even during the darkest period she’d done her best to heal.
“Thanks,” she mumbled.
“I think you are absolutely amazing. I always have. Nothing has ever changed that.”
“Gideon...” Piper glanced up at him, her lower lip pinched between her teeth.
He didn’t like that look one bit.
“Come here.” He tugged on her hand and she leaned toward him.
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her forehead. She turned her face toward him, their noses bumping until her lips slid against his. He tightened his hold on her and pressed closer. Her fingers scraped along his jaw and then twined through his hair.
Gideon wanted nothing more than to prolong this, pull her across the Jeep and kiss her until they were both drunk on need. But he knew better.
He lifted his face from hers, stroking her cheek.
“Let’s go back to my place, okay?”
Piper nodded and retreated to her side of the vehicle.
He shoved the last of the food wrappers into the brown paper bag and did his best to covertly adjust his jeans. She turned the music up. Most of the time he’d appreciate the mutual enjoyment of his preferred music, but this was different. She was avoiding whatever was coming. The kiss hadn’t changed that. What couldn’t she tell him?
They made the drive back to his house in silence, which had the bonus of killing his boner. Other than that, he wanted her to go ahead and say what was bothering her. Put him out of his misery.
Gideon pulled into the drive and she got out first, proceeding him to the front door. He gathered the trash, another sign Piper was consumed with something and not wholly there with him. She was hyper aware of garbage in vehicles since she’d grown up living in a van. This wasn’t like her. She waited for him on the porch, her gaze boring into the ground. He unlocked the house and let her go in first. She stood on the entry tile, at the foot of the stares, her face creased with lines he didn’t like.
“I think... I don’t think I’m being very fair to you,” she said.
“You’re fine. Come in here.” He nodded into the living room. If he could get his hands free and her on the sofa, they could talk this out. Whatever was bothering her, he could deal with it.
“I told you that you were the first and only person I thought of when it came to going on a date. Maybe it’s because I always had a crush on you when we were friends, or whatever, but...I’m clearly not ready for whatever this is.”
“What?” Was she trying to break up with him? “Let me put this down and then we can talk about this.”
Gideon had to fix this, or at least get into her head. He couldn’t do that with his hands full and her standing in the doorway like a statue. He didn’t want to leave her by an exit, but he also couldn’t keep holding the bags and drinks. He had to touch her. Hold her. He’d get through to her. He needed to.
Piper remained rooted to the spot. She wasn’t budging. He ducked into the living room and quick stepped it to the garbage can, all the while listening for the front door. He shoved the trash into the bag and turned.
She stood in the arch, still staring at the floor.
“Piper, sweetheart...” He walked toward her, slowly, rolling words around in his head.
“I thought... I thought, when I came here, that I could do this and if things went badly, if it was really awful, we’d just go back to not speaking or seeing each other. I know we aren’t close anymore, but I miss hanging out. I don’t want to lose that, and I’m worried we will.”
“I don’t want to lose you, either.” He stopped with their toes almost touching and gently wrapped his arm around her waist. She swayed toward him and laid her cheek on his shoulder.
“I am a complete spaz.”
“But only in the best way.” She was trying to give him an out. Break up whatever they were. He couldn’t let that happen. Not unless it was what she wanted. “Come here.”
He took her hand and led her to the sofa. If he could remind her that she felt safe, he could perhaps make her see the potential in them. As a couple.
She sat on the edge, shoulders slumped. He jostled her sitting down next to her, then pulled her back against his chest. She curled up without hesitation, her head on his shoulder and her arm around his waist. He breathed a little easier at her reaction. Her head and heart were doing two different, out of synch numbers.
“We like hanging out, right?” he asked.
“Yeah...”
“Do you like...where we are now with things?” He still didn’t know how to phrase what they were doing.
“Yeah...”
“Me, too. So, how about this? We can be whatever this is and take it as slow, or as fast, as you want. Okay? No more talk about not being good enough.”
Piper didn’t reply, but she didn’t pull away either.
He’d take what he could get.
PIPER STRETCHED HER legs against the silky sheets. She had to get some of whatever these were. They made it feel as though she were sleeping on a fluffy could. That wouldn’t be such a bad way to sleep, away from the world, the stress, the people. It was a good thing Gideon hadn’t discovered these sheets back when she was really fucked up or she’d have never left
the bed.
She cracked her eyes open and covered her mouth to mute her chuckle. Gideon had the oddest way of sleeping at times. His head tilted back at an angle that had to hurt, one arm across his chest, and his knees were drawn up.
This made two nights in a row she’d slept here.
All she’d meant to do was make an apology. Put things right between them. When he’d opened that door she’d checked all her good intentions and gone with what she wanted. The rest was one of the most relaxing days she’d had in months.
Gideon was good for her, but was she good for him?
She couldn’t imagine a world where she was a positive factor for anyone, at least not in her current state. Maybe in another five or ten years, but she couldn’t even sit in the grill last night without losing her cool. It was the most ridiculous bullshit, and yet, this was her life. The only consolation she had was that every day was a little better than the last.
A lot of the improvement was because of Gideon. From the moment he’d thrown his lot in with her, he’d been nothing but patient, kind, caring, thoughtful. He might be a terrible flake when work picked up, but did that really outweigh all the good he did?
What the hell was she doing here? With him? What was this?
The rational thing to do was have a conversation and lay out what they wanted on the table.
She swallowed and folded her hands over her stomach.
The vulnerability, putting herself out there—she could feel the knots starting deep inside of her. What she had with Gideon mattered, and that made this scary.
Piper had made a mistake. She’d thought, of all the men she knew, Gideon was the safest and their relationship the most disposable. It would have been better if she’d have asked Josh. With him there were no emotional quandaries. They were friends, end of story. With Gideon, it was complicated.
She’d known her attraction to Gideon when they met was another signal that things with Carl were over. Back then, she’d intended to break up with Carl and see where things went with Gideon after a few weeks. Then Carl decided to go after her and Gideon became her safe person. The one who was strong when she couldn’t be.
The Fake Boyfriend and the Geek (Gone Geek Book 6) Page 9