Ember

by Rachel Van Dyken

  Bee

  “DO YOU STILL HAVE nightmares?” I whispered, tucking my head into Phoenix’s shoulder, my fingers splayed across his naked chest. We’d spent every waking moment together since the family breakfast. When we weren’t at school, we were at home. Each moment was precious because I knew it was only a matter of time before he really did talk to my brother.

  And though things were… better with the rest of the guys, I was still afraid they would take him from me, my only friend, the man I loved.

  Sergio had said he knew the location of both Nick and Pike, but he was waiting on more intel to come in, whatever that meant. And because Phoenix was chomping at the bit to end their lives for putting mine in danger and trying to double-cross him, I had to distract him — in the best way possible. He’d complained of dehydration and sore muscles, and I’d called him Grandpa, at least out of bed. In bed, he’d said that was the fastest way for him to lose concentration.

  “Yeah.” He pressed his lips against my temple as he finally answered my question after a long hesitation. “But they aren’t as bad when you’re here.”

  I swallowed, the rattle of rain hitting the house was the only sound making it into the dark room. “Can I ask you something? And promise not to yell?”

  “Bee, when was the last time I yelled at you?”

  “This morning.”

  His warm chuckle did amazing things to my body, making me smile against his skin. “You weren’t wearing enough clothes and purposefully dropped your granola bar onto the ground three times.”

  “I’m clumsy.”

  “You were also wearing underwear that said bad ass on the actual ass and flashed me each time. But sure, it’s because you’re clumsy.”

  “I have a fondness for that pair of underwear.”

  “Funny, me too.”

  “So…” I chewed my lower lip. “…my question.”

  “No yelling. Promise.” He kissed my head again. “Though if you asked it sometime this year before I really do turn into a grandpa, that’d be great.”

  “Ass.”

  “I never claimed to be anything but.” He laughed softly.

  “It’s about your past.”

  His arm tightened around me. “Okay.”

  “And what you… did.”

  I could feel his heart start to hammer against my ear as his entire body went tight with tension. “Damn it, Bee, just ask before I lose my mind.”

  “I know you feel bad now. I know you hate yourself still, but in the moment… back then, did you feel guilty? Or was it just a job?”

  With a shudder, Phoenix released me and pushed up from the bed, resting his elbows on his knees. The sheet fell away from his muscular body as he exhaled deeply, pressing his hands against his face.

  “I’m sorry,” I said quickly. “I shouldn’t ask things like that I just—”

  “Bee,” he said in a low tortured voice. “Don’t ever apologize. You have every damn right to ask questions like that.”

  “But I shouldn’t”

  “Don’t.” He removed his hands and leaned his chin on his knees. “Don’t apologize for wanting to know. It’s hard, though, letting you see the worst parts of me, having to actually admit those things happened, that I was the one that did them.”

  I touched his arm.

  He didn’t flinch, but he didn’t reach for me either.

  “In the moment…” He sighed. “I felt so much fear, at least at first, and then anger at myself, my father, at the situation, and it was only too easy to transfer it into what I was doing. It’s easier to blame the victim for your own shortcomings than to admit to yourself that you’re the monster, you’re the evil. People can justify anything, and in the beginning, I justified that it was my job. The mafia’s dark, you know?” He licked his lips and shook his head. “So I told myself I needed to man up, do the job, and then I convinced myself it was better I did it than my father. After a while, I became so numb to everything that I snapped. And then… when I tried to have a real experience with a girl, my freshman year of college… I couldn’t even—” He swore. “Do you really want to hear this?”

  I nodded, afraid to speak.

  With a deflated sigh, he kept talking. “I couldn’t perform… in any capacity. I refused to kiss her, just wanted to use her for sex, prove to myself that I could have sex outside of what my father had me do. And I couldn’t do it. I think that’s part of the reason I snapped, or maybe it was the beginning of the end. There’s nothing more terrifying than when you can only associate violence with something that should be beautiful. When you mar a thing of beauty and know that you’ll never be like everyone else, it’s heartbreaking. Huh…” He snorted. “…and maybe that’s it. In breaking those girls, I broke my own heart. It didn’t work anymore.”

  “You work now,” I choked out, my voice heavy with unshed tears.

  “Yeah, well…” He reached for my face and tilted it toward him until his lips were inches from mine. “…someone offered to fix it.”

  “Is that your way of saying you’ll keep eating the lasagna I toss in your face?”

  A toothy grin flashed across his face; the dimple I was obsessed with dug into his cheek, making him look so much younger than I’d ever seen him. “Yeah, Bee, but let’s try a different food.”

  “Bite your tongue!” I jerked away from him. “We’re Sicilian. We eat pasta, pasta, wine, and more pasta.”

  “Don’t tell anyone,” Phoenix said, tugging my body closer to his. “But pasta’s my least favorite food.”

  My mouth dropped open in shock.

  He closed it with his thumb and pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth. “But I would love if you could make a hamburger.”

  “Or we could just go to a drive-through?”

  “We could do that too.”

  An abrupt knock sounded at the door. Phoenix froze. We’d been careful, more than careful. Sergio’s schedule was so predictable that it was almost easy to fly under the radar, but he wasn’t supposed to be home yet. It was only ten on a Saturday night, and that was usually when he met with Nixon.

  “Shit.” Phoenix glanced from me to the door then slowly got out of bed, threw on a pair of jeans, and faced the music. When he opened the door, it wasn’t Sergio on the other side, but Nixon.

  I wasn’t sure if we were supposed to be relieved or terrified that he hadn’t brought my brother with him.

  “Hey,” Nixon croaked, then looked over Phoenix’s shoulder and gave me a knowing grin, “sorry to interrupt, but neither of you were answering your phones and yeah… I needed to talk to you about something… important.”

  “Yeah…” Phoenix coughed. “…sure, just let me grab a shirt.”

  He walked back toward me, threw on a shirt, kissed me on the head, and left.

  My body shivered at his absence. I reached for my phone and saw two missed calls from Nixon and at least ten unchecked texts from my brother. Yeah, he couldn’t be pleased about that.

  It was hard lying to him. He was the only family I had left, and even though I loved Phoenix, I still felt like I was doing something wrong. I clicked through my texts and sent him one that basically said I was fine and to keep his pants on. With a yawn, I clicked on my calendar notifications and froze.

  A little red dot and a sad face were bouncing up and down on my notifications, showing me the date of my supposed time of the month.

  Three days ago.

  Don’t panic. I squeezed my eyes shut then opened them again, praying I would be on the wrong month or date.

  Nope. It still said three days ago.

  Three days late.

  Which could mean anything. I’d been captured and nearly killed, for crying out loud! My body had been under a lot of trauma…

  That was it! I was traumatized.

  Yet, all the warnings the girls had given me surged to the forefront of my mind.

  “It’s only a matter of time before he snaps.”

  What if I caused that? What if… i
f I was the reason he finally went off the deep end. What if I had no one to blame but myself and my love for the beast?

  CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

  I’d die to protect her — even if it meant I didn’t actually deserve it this time.

  Phoenix

  “YOU’RE LUCKY AS SHIT that I’m the one knocking on her bedroom door and not Tex.” Nixon slammed the door to my room closed and started pacing back and forth, running his hands through his hair like he was contemplating pulling out every last strand.

  “Yeah, well…” I choked back a smart ass retort because really, what leg did I have to stand on? I was going behind Tex’s back; he entrusted his sister’s safety to me, and there I was, every night, putting her in jeopardy, just because I couldn’t stay away. No, it was more than that — because I loved her, because I craved her, because she was my reason for breathing after spending a lifetime suffocating. “…I’ll tell him. Just give me time.”

  Nixon snorted and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Make sure I’m there so he doesn’t actually kill you. Tex doesn’t really think before pulling the trigger anymore. He’d rather apologize after shooting you than not shoot you at all.”

  “Good pep talk,” I grumbled.

  Nixon licked his lips then finally met my gaze. “She’s safe… right?”

  I knew what he was asking. Shame, the same shame I’d been trying to ignore for the past five days charged to the surface, making me wince with the darkness it put on my soul, making me want to scream. “She’s safe,” I finally snapped out, my voice hoarse, “from me, since that’s what you’re really asking.”

  “One of us has to, Phoenix.”

  “Ah, so you pulled the short straw.” I popped my knuckles. “I wouldn’t lay a hand on her… ever. I thought at first…” I clicked my tongue. “But, it would be like killing a part of myself. She’s in me, man. I could no more harm her than I could take a knife to my own heart.”

  Nixon was quiet, staring at me for a few minutes, then he took a seat across from me. “Moving on to question number two.”

  I leaned back, waiting for the next chip to fall.

  “Sergio…” He sighed. “…can we trust him?”

  “What is trust… really?” I drummed my fingers against my thigh. “Especially in our line of business. I trust you today, don’t screw me tomorrow?” I bit back a laugh. “It’s a fantasy, trust.”

  “It doesn’t have to be.”

  “With some people—” I gave him a deadpan expression. “—it is.”

  “Some people being Sergio?”

  “Sometimes…” I cracked my knuckles. “…we see only what we want to see, Nixon.”

  “Shit.” He rubbed his hands across his face. “It feels like something bad’s going to happen. I hate that feeling, and I can’t stop it. Whatever storm I thought was over, it feels like someone just threw C4 back into the clouds and lit a match.”

  “I’ll do it.”

  “Do what?” Nixon’s eyes narrowed. “I didn’t say anything.”

  “I’ll tail him.” I exhaled. “It’s the least I can do after… everything. After all, he claims to know where Nick and Pike are located. Maybe I’ll discover three birds with one stone.”

  “You mean bullet.”

  “Yeah, but stone sounded better.”

  Nixon snorted a laugh and rose from his seat. “So you discover something bad, what happens?”

  I swallowed the bile in my throat at hurting family; I didn’t hurt family, not anymore, but I might have to.

  “Phoenix,” Nixon said, putting his hand on my shoulder. “I can’t ask you to do this if you aren’t ready.”

  “I offered…” I pushed his hand away. “…and I’m ready.” I swallowed the emotion tightening my throat. “A long time ago you didn’t let me prove myself. Let me do it now.”

  “I think you’ve gone and proved yourself over and over again, Phoenix. When will it stop?”

  “When the guilt stops,” I said honestly, blowing out air through my lips. “When I stop seeing their faces… when I stop hating myself… when I finally have peace. That’s when it stops.”

  “Never.” Nixon cursed under his breath. “We aren’t gifted with peace.”

  “Which is why we need to be comfortable with war.” I put my hand on his shoulder then pulled him in for a hug. I kissed each cheek the way a boss would with another boss — out of total respect. “Which is why you’re going to stay back this time and let me do my job, Nixon. If it ends badly, it will be on my head. The families will be much more forgiving of me eliminating three individuals. You? Not so much. There’s been too much heat on the Abandonatos. The last thing you need is to draw more attention.”

  Nixon nodded, his jaw clenched. “Thanks.”

  “You don’t ever have to thank me for doing the right thing.”

  “Yeah, but I will. Every time,” Nixon whispered and walked out of the room, only pausing at the door to say, “Oh, and… tell Tex next week. Wait until this mess is fixed before you heap more gunshot wounds onto yourself.”

  My face cracked into a smile. “I’ll think about it.”

  “Your funeral.

  “Probably.”

  Nixon smirked. “Worth it?”

  “Hell, yeah.”

  “That’s what I thought.” He chuckled and closed the door behind him, leaving me alone in the silence.

  I was going to sniff out a rat. I was almost one-hundred-percent sure I knew what was going on with Sergio, but I had no proof, which meant I first needed proof, then needed to silence him without bringing the FBI down on our families.

  A long time ago, it had been my job to do the ugly.

  A long time ago I’d hated myself for being so damn good at it.

  But now? With Bee sleeping in her room, a smile on her lips, her naked body just waiting for me? Yeah, I was more than grateful, because Nixon was right, I would do anything for family.

  Anything.

  And I was about to do the unthinkable for her.

  I was going to kill Sergio.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

  Trust and love two things he did well.

  Bee

  BY THE TIME MONDAY of the following week rolled around, I was officially freaking out. Still no period. And I still hadn’t said a word to Phoenix. I trusted him, I loved him, but the girls’ warnings were like little bombs going off in my head, and I couldn’t help but worry that this one thing would cause him to fly off the handle.

  My last class was canceled, giving me adequate time to sneak out of Elite and run down the street to the drugstore. It was only a matter of time before I was supposed to meet Phoenix, and I knew he would flip his lid if I was late — again. As it was, he monitored the little dot on his phone like crazy — swear, if I was in the wrong spot, he knew it within fifteen minutes — thus my reason for sprinting.

  We’d been doing the whole I’m your security guard you may not pee unless I say it’s time thing for the past week and I was getting sick of it. He was polite, yet distant at school and then a totally different person at home.

  It helped that Sergio was rarely even there anymore.

  When he did manage to crawl back into the house, he never wanted to hang out. Not that we had been all buddy-buddy before, but at least now Phoenix wanted to enjoy life.

  Case in point: the man ate popcorn.

  It was a miracle; I believe I even said something like “There is a God.”

  When he took more than one bite, I pretended to swoon.

  And when he added chocolate chips to the next batch, a tear all but trickled down my cheek. He rolled his eyes, caught the tear with his thumb, and kissed me.

  His taste mixed with chocolate was my new favorite obsession. I even offered to bathe him in it. He declined, saying he didn’t like messes.

  I told him I’d drug him then toss him in the bathtub.

  He said he’d like to see me try.

  Ha, he really shouldn’t have doubted me at that point. I smil
ed at the memory, my hand resting on the pregnancy test. It was just a test, a silly little box. It held no power over me. So why was I hyperventilating?

  With a curse I grabbed it, hurried over to the cash register, and pulled out my shiny card — the one big brother had given me.

  It was titanium.

  And looked bad ass.

  And I hadn’t even had a chance to use it yet. Funny, my first time just happened to be at a drugstore because I’d slept with the enemy.

  Good one, Bee.

  I slid the card through the slot. It immediately asked for my PIN. Crap. I had no idea what my pin was! I hit credit and prayed it would go through.

  It did.

  Note to self: find out PIN from brother or Phoenix.

  I guess either one of them could help me figure it out, but I hated feeling stupid and helpless when it came to things someone my age should typically know, like my own personal identification number.

  The minute the clerk handed me my receipt, my phone went off, with Phoenix’s ringtone, which just so happened to be a chirping bird.

  He said it wasn’t funny.

  I, however, found it hilarious. Every time.

  “Hey!” I croaked, all too aware of the guilt in my voice. “What’s up?”

  “Where the hell are you?” He barked loud enough for me to have to physically pull the phone from my head lest he shattered an eardrum.

  “I’ll be there in ten minutes. Geez, I’m not even late yet!”

  “Your class was canceled, Bee.”

  “Aw, you stalking me now?”

  “Bee,” he growled. “If you aren’t here in five seconds I’m going to—”

  “Spank me?” I offered. “Mud wrestle until I say uncle?”

  The clerk’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline.

  My cheeks heated as I waved and bolted out the door in a full-out run.

  “Why are you panting?” Phoenix asked in an annoyed tone.

  “I… er, was thinking about you in the mud. Naked.”

  He cursed. “Bee, please… I need to know you’re safe. I don’t do this to irritate you. I need to keep you safe — alright? Don’t take off without asking permission first.”