“…That monster…the White Whale is a demon beast, too…?”
When he voiced the hard-to-believe possibility, he shook his head at the unpalatable reality. But when he thought about it, everything fit.
It explained why the White Whale had found their dragon carriage first out of all the ones that had scattered. It explained why it had obstinately pursued Otto from the moment Subaru had come aboard.
It explained why the creature had pursued that dragon carriage after Rem had resigned herself to death to buy them time.
He recalled how Rem had hesitated to tell him something about the White Whale as it pursued them through the darkness. That was when Rem had realized it.
“The White Whale…is drawn to my body…?”
The White Whale had assaulted them in pursuit of Subaru—in pursuit of the scent of the Witch. Rem had realized that fact before anyone else; to protect Subaru, she’d disembarked from the dragon carriage in a bid for more time.
To protect Subaru. For Subaru’s sake alone.
“No, Rem… Because of me… Because of me…!”
Subaru lowered his head and sank down, fighting back the overflowing sorrow within him. The knowledge that Rem was gone, and that he bore all the responsibility for losing her, weighed heavily on both Subaru’s mind and body.
“Mr. Natsuki…”
Stricken by despair, Subaru felt Otto pat his shoulder from behind. His fingers were shaking, his voice dry. He trembled as he looked in Otto’s direction.
“Otto, I…”
“Please die.”
The next moment, the shove to Subaru’s shoulder easily sent him tumbling from the dragon carriage.
“—Huh?”
His field of vision inverted as he violently tumbled down, losing track of which way was up. Amid the chaos of his vision, he saw Otto loudly laughing. His mouth was open so wide that Subaru could see his white molars, spit dribbling from the corners of his mouth as he spoke.
“I-it’s your fault! I-if you’re why it’s after us, then take responsibility! Ah-ha-ha! Die! Die and save meee!”
Hearing Otto’s maniacal laughter, Subaru realized that his mind had completely snapped. Otto had been driven to the edge. Overhearing Subaru’s frail murmur, he clung to the tiniest of hopes, not bothering to ask for confirmation before shoving him to his doom.
Right around the time Subaru realized this, his body reached the ground.
His back slammed mercilessly against the earth. Without hyperbole, the pain was like he had broken every bone in his body. Crying painfully as his internal organs were crushed, he spat out blood and kept rolling.
The impact was hard enough to dull even his ability to register pain.
Subaru vomited bile and blood over and over, raising his wobbly head. He could hear the far-off, fleeing dragon carriage from which he had been shoved.
Oddly, no words of reproach came to mind.
Granted, he was in far too much pain and suffering to voice any complaint, but even ignoring that, he just didn’t have the heart to fault Otto. The merchant had merely been in the wrong place at the wrong time and shoved off Subaru in a desperate struggle to survive. Maybe Subaru forgave him because he could hardly have been expected to do otherwise.
“Ehuh! Guheh!”
Such sentiments, the taste of blood filling the inside of his mouth, the ferocious pain his body was trying to remember…
“—”
…all these things were forgotten when the overwhelmingly huge creature showed itself before him.
—With a single glance, Subaru came to understand just how foolish it was to defy this awesome and terrible menace.
As Subaru lay prone, the White Whale was close enough to touch, expelling putrid breath out of its incomprehensibly huge mouth as it examined the tiny being before it. To the body of a diminutive man, a mere exhalation from the White Whale was a ferocious gale. Subaru, unable to support his own body, was sent rolling across the ground with that single burst of air.
“—”
Then, while Subaru writhed with agony, the White Whale remained silent as it looked down at him, almost as if toying with him.
A word like careless did not apply to the creature as it casually loitered in place. The difference between them was simply that great. It would have been like an ant challenging an elephant or a man challenging a whale under the ocean’s waves.
Inside Subaru’s head, overwhelmed by pain and nausea, he knew he was feeling death drawing near. It was a feeling of despair that he had felt several times over.
Slowly but surely, he was keenly aware of the despondency from what he had lost and his helplessness, that once more he had left the things he had to do unfinished. The emotions came to him like old friends, wrapping their arms around his shoulders like best buds as they laughed at his embarrassing troubles and his laughable struggles.
He no longer had any idea what had gone wrong. But now that Rem was lost to him, Subaru had nothing left.
He chuckled at himself for his ridiculous attempts at resistance and survival, even in his pathetic state.
Stupid. Worthless. The lowliest of all lives, with nothing left to do whatsoever.
He felt the White Whale, right before him, drawing its nose close.
Its open mouth was lined with the unyielding teeth that had chewed up even hard-scaled land dragons with ease.
These teeth would bite down on him, chewing and grinding his flesh, bones, and very soul.
His lips quivered, trying to say something defiant, like, “Kill me already,” or, “Hurry up and do it.”
“I don’t…wanna die…”
This time, Subaru truly despaired at how he was too weak to manage even that.
Inside his chest, a sense of powerlessness like none he’d ever had before impaled him like a cold blade. His blood froze throughout his body. He despaired as everything in front of him turned black.
“N-no…I don’t wanna die! Save— I don’t wanna die… I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die… No, no, no… Save me, Rem, save me…!”
Tearful words and whimpers poured out of his mouth as the inevitable end to his miserable life drew near.
It was pathetic. Repulsive. It could be called only a truly shameful sight. Anyone would avert their eyes at the spectacle and scoff at him. No doubt it would have hurt to even watch. He could not cling to life like this and hold on to his dignity as a human, too.
It was wretched. Even bugs were more adorable and lived with more pride. This self-pitying boy, too filthy to count as a higher life-form worthy of respect, was truly “the greed of a pig.”
“N-no…I don’t wanna die… Save me…”
Even so, he crawled in an effort to escape, grasping for whatever possibility might let him keep his life.
His body, its strength exhausted, would go no farther. His fingertips merely pawed at the grass, lacking the power to claw the soil. Even the will to cry was now lost to him. Rolling onto his side was his final act of physical resistance.
“I don’t wanna die…!”
Then he rolled onto his back, a plea for his life trickling out of his mouth.
That was his final struggle to live.
He could do nothing more. He could think no more. He could only await the inevitable.
Yet even so, no matter how long Subaru waited, the blow that would end him never arrived.
Though his old friend, the aura of death, preceded the bite that would be his violent end…it never came.
The terror of knowing the end was near, but not when, was something that easily wrecked the human heart. As unendurable terror gripped him, Subaru forced his trembling body to comply. His gaze shifted around, and he sought an end to his despair, when…
“…Eh?”
…he realized that the White Whale, supposedly drawing nearer with every moment, was nowhere to be found.
8
From there on, desperately clinging to life was the only thing that kept Subaru going
.
“I don’t wanna die… I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die…”
He was out of breath, tottering on his feet, with droplets of blood in his eyes clouding his vision. But Subaru took no heed as he ran. It changed nothing; he’d been lost in darkness and mist to start with.
Within the embrace of the moonless, starless night, Subaru couldn’t even see his own feet. Or perhaps the White Whale had swallowed him long ago and he simply hadn’t realized it. Perhaps, even in that very moment, he was in the belly of the demon beast, running only toward his own doom…
“Hic.”
Amid the darkness, Subaru kept running and running, all alone.
He had lost Rem, Otto had abandoned him, even the White Whale had left him behind.
He didn’t know why I don’t wanna die was the only thought he had.
What meaning was there in living? What meaning was there in not dying?
Perhaps the incoherent thought rose to the fore as a simple, instinctive means of protecting himself from fear and pain. It was disgusting how, even at that juncture, his self-pity was at work.
“—Ah?”
As he berated himself to no end, the mist suddenly, and without the slightest fanfare, fell away.
Subaru crumpled to the ground with an expression of disbelief at the abrupt end to the darkness that he thought would continue forever. Soft moonlight poured down on him as it sunk in that he had survived.
Subaru, feeling blood flowing through his limbs once more, stretched both hands toward the night sky. What made him do so was not unbridled joy at grabbing hold of life.
“I did it again…”
He despaired at himself, having once more cheated death after another wretched struggle.
Having obtained the life he had so craved, Subaru could take little joy in it. An unquenchable sense of guilt burned in his chest, and his shame at forgetting about her almost made him crave death again.
“Rem… Rem…!”
Covering his face, he called her name as irrepressible hot tears continued pouring out from him. In so doing, Subaru sought her forgiveness so that his own soul might find comfort.
He rubbed his head against the soil as he wept. He didn’t know how much time passed like that until he heard a slow creaking sound drawing closer to the hunched-over boy.
“Y-you’re…”
It was a land dragon, pulling the bloodstained remnants of what had once been its carriage.
He remembered it. There was no mistake—it was Otto’s land dragon. But there was no sign of the young man who had shoved Subaru off.
“Why are you…? Where is he? Where’s Otto?”
Though he voiced the question, he of course received no reply. The land dragon tottered closer; Subaru, in turn, rose and walked toward it. As Subaru looked up at the cruelly damaged animal, he realized it.
—The driver’s seat was stained with blood, impaled with crucifix-like daggers.
Someone had attacked when they’d left the mist.
Subaru couldn’t even imagine what despair Otto must have felt, having gone mad and even leaving Subaru to die in his efforts to escape with his life, only to be ambushed afterward. But the fact that his land dragon was alone made it all too clear what had resulted.
“…Let’s go.”
With a muted murmur, Subaru dragged his pain-racked body up onto the driver’s seat. Grasping the reins with his right hand, which was somehow still functional, he did as he’d seen others do and ordered the land dragon to move out with a flick.
Sensing someone not his master through the reins, the beast looked up at Subaru with its round eyes, seemingly at a loss. But when Subaru flicked the reins once more, it gently began moving down the highway.
—Under the gleam of the silvery moon, the land dragon smoothly ran along.
The man and land dragon, having both lost someone precious, were licking each other’s wounds in a sense as they bathed in the soft, soft laughter of the moon and the stars.
Gently, gently, the land dragon continued to run.
And kept running.
CHAPTER 4
WON’T LET ME SAY THE WORDS
1
Making creaking sounds, the land dragon continued moving forward.
Subaru’s mind was hazy; leaning deep into the driver’s seat, he was the driver in name only. It was partly fatigue, partly the effects of his wounds, but it was chiefly the wearing down of his spirit.
His broken bones and cut forehead had not healed; his dislocated left shoulder was crying out painfully. His broken teeth felt extremely unpleasant; his clothes, filthy from blood, mud, and urine, transferred the chill directly to his skin.
—Why had he survived?
Protected by Rem only to lose her, abandoned by Otto, spurned even by the White Whale that had spared his pathetic life. He’d blundered his way along the highway through the night mist, breaking free of it and thus prolonging his life.
Just where would this path lead him and the surviving land dragon? And once he arrived, would there be anything he could do?
The desire to protect someone, to save someone—he’d trusted it was that feeling that had spurred him forward. Yet, having seen things he wished he hadn’t, he knew he had simply been consoling himself with pretty words.
He’d come to realize that he needed his own life above all else; he was a lump of flesh wrapped up in self-pity.
When they’d left Rem to face the White Whale, and Subaru had ordered Otto to turn around, maybe he’d only pretended his heart was broken by Otto’s rebuttal but was actually relieved deep down? If it was an opponent even someone like a Sword Saint could not defeat, going back meant only a dog’s death. Rem wouldn’t want that.
—So he’d told himself he didn’t need to go back. He didn’t need to die.
As a matter of fact, Subaru hadn’t gone back to save Rem; he’d even begged the White Whale, the purported target of his hatred, for his own life. He’d shouted, I don’t wanna die, as he fled in a daze, peeing on himself all the while.
At the time, Rem’s safety or lack thereof never entered the back of his mind even once. Rem had done a pretty stupid thing, throwing her life away for a man like him.
“But…the stupidest thing is…”
There was no Rem anymore. Otto was gone, as were all the other traveling merchants. Subaru was alone, save for the land dragon silently continuing to advance along the well-maintained highway in search of human civilization.
It didn’t matter where. Subaru just wanted it to bring him somewhere.
Subaru grew apathetic, releasing his hand from the reins as he collapsed onto the driver’s seat. As he rolled onto his side, he could see the crucifixes still jabbed into a hard-to-see nook. It was evidence that Otto had been attacked by Witch Cult adherents he’d apparently encountered after slipping past the mist.
All that time, Subaru had been wondering if the Witch Cult would appear before him as well; would he meet the same fate as Otto? Would his meaningless life be cut down as well? Or if it came to that, would he be spared once more, even if he was face-to-face with Petelgeuse?
“Petel…geuse…”
Haltingly naming the object of his hatred, Subaru knew just how hollow his own heart was. Even when voicing the name of the madman who’d brutally murdered Rem, mocked Subaru, and was the root of all evils, Subaru’s heart didn’t feel a twinge, even though only a few hours prior, Subaru’s anger toward him was the only thing keeping him going.
“What the hell’s wrong with me…?”
The dragon carriage’s wheels creaked; an extremely high-pitched sound clawed at his eardrums. Almost in pain from the discordant sound, Subaru grimaced and sat up.
“A forest…?”
The land dragon had stopped its walking some time before. When he observed his surroundings, the land dragon was clawing at the ground of a woodland road surrounded by trees. Apparently the sun had risen some time ago, because white sun rays from above were baking Suba
ru’s body.
Now that he’d noticed it, Subaru savored the heat on his skin, soaking it up like a wick, when…
“—Ah, Subaru?”
…he was surprised to hear an innocent, high-pitched voice call him by name.
A number of diminutive figures had climbed onto the stopped dragon carriage, peering down at Subaru as he sat on the driver’s seat. They pointed at Subaru and began to laugh at the sorry state they’d found him in.
“It really is Subaru.” “What’s wrong, Subaru?” “Subaru, you’re filthy.” “You stink, Subaru.”
But these were not laughs of ill-willed mockery but rather, warm chuckles reserved for those whom they bore deep affection.
“Y-you’re…”
He knew their faces. He’d seen them several times in the last few days. He’d seen them contorted in pain and agony, never to smile again.
These were the grinning faces of the children living in Earlham Village, on the outskirts of Roswaal Manor.
In a daze, Subaru lifted his head and saw that there, ahead on the woodland path, was the human civilization he’d sought.
He had finally arrived at the place he’d longed for, that he’d craved so much.
Subaru had made it back before he’d surrendered completely to despair and lost everything.
“Subaru?” “Er, what’s wrong?” “Ahh, look out!”
The children’s voices rose. Subaru knew what they were trying to tell him. Regardless, his head had already grown heavy, and he could no longer support his body.
Something stretched taut made a sound as it snapped, and once again, Subaru’s mind fell toward a dark, quiet place, as if he were trying to shove all his troubles away.
“Wait a— Don’t fall—”
—He fell.
2
When Subaru opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was a familiar white ceiling.
ReZERO_Starting Life in Another World Vol. 6 Page 12