“No, what was good was the fucking, and from what I hear, you’re good at that no matter who you’re with, Sinner.”
She never called me that. She always called me Mark and now I was the piece of shit that slept around with women and was only good for a fuck. It didn’t matter that we had made progress with her social anxiety or that we had something special between us. She had years of practice shutting people out and I just became another casualty.
“Let me know if you change your mind. I’ll be waiting.”
“You’ll be waiting an awfully long time then.”
I turned and walked dejectedly out of her house, waiting for her to call me back and tell me she made a mistake, that she still wanted me, but she never did. Maybe it all happened too quickly with us. It had started as us just fucking, but the more I got to know her, the more I wanted her for more than just a quick fuck.
✯✯✯✯✯
“Cara, please let me in so we can talk about this.”
I had come over here every night for the past week and still hadn’t heard anything from her. She ignored me every time I knocked on her door. One night I sat out on her porch for over an hour and she still wouldn’t talk to me.
“Cara, please. Just open-”
The door swung open and one very pissed off looking Cara was standing in front of me.
“Can I come in?”
“No, we don’t have anything to say to each other.”
I pushed past her and entered her house anyway. “That’s where you’re wrong. I have plenty to say.”
“You’ve already said enough. Just like everyone else in my life, you think you know best how to swoop in and solve my problems. I didn’t ask you to go to my brother and make him feel like shit. What happens between us is my business.”
“I care about you, more than I thought I ever would and I’m not going to stand back and watch as people treat you like your some damaged piece of garbage.”
“That’s not the way it is!”
“You just told me the other night that you left Sarah’s house feeling like you weren’t enough. That they didn’t think you were worth the trouble.”
“Those are my feelings! I’m a mess and probably imagine half the shit that runs through my head.”
“Maybe that’s true, but I was standing there when Sean threw that shit in your face. You can’t tell me you were making that up. Drew and I both heard it.”
“He cares about me. He took care of me for over three years. He did things for me that no brother should ever have to do.”
“I get that and I’m so glad he was there for you, but that doesn’t mean that he’s treating you like he should now.”
“Mark, I appreciate that you helped me and you were just what I needed from a fuck buddy.” Ouch, talk about a slap in the face. “But, it’s time I stopped relying on others to help take care of me.”
“I wasn’t taking care of you. I was-”
“Please, just stop. We had a good time, but it’s over. You’re leaving to find a new job anyway, so we both knew this was going to end at some point.”
I didn’t know what to say. I was going to tell her I was falling in love with her and I wanted to make this work between us, but she was making it very clear that she no longer wanted me in her life. Not knowing what else to say, I nodded and walked to my truck where I sat for a good five minutes trying to figure out how it all went so wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have talked to her brother. Maybe that was some imaginary line that I crossed and couldn’t come back from, but I really felt he needed to know how his words were affecting her.
I pulled out of her driveway and went back to my apartment where I laid in bed staring at the ceiling, wishing I could go back and change the last two years of my life. I wouldn’t trade my friendship with Freckles for anything, but that’s about the time everything started going to shit for me at Reed Security. Now, I lost my job and the friends that meant more to me than family, the girl I was falling for, and now I had to move and start over.
✯✯✯✯✯
Carrying the pizza I had picked up, I walked up to Cazzo’s door and knocked. He had a house in the country and I had no doubt that was because he craved the privacy. It was a ranch house, so the renovations Sebastian had made were easy enough to accommodate him now that he had to get around in a wheelchair.
“Come in,” his gruff voice called from the other side.
I opened the door and shook my head at the mess in front of me.
“What the fuck happened here?”
“The nurse left,” Cazzo said as he stared at the TV.
“Don’t you pay her to stay here and take care of shit?”
“Didn’t like her.”
“How many is that now?”
“Three.”
“Three nurses since you came home? Jesus, Cazzo.”
“I can take care of myself. I don’t need someone here to do shit for me.”
“Right. I can tell by all the garbage laying around.”
I plopped the pizza box down on the table in front of him and went to grab a few garbage bags. The kitchen was a disaster. He might eventually be able to take care of himself, but for now, he was still healing and couldn’t manage on his own no matter how much he wanted. I started by picking up all the trash that was laying around. Empty beer bottles, wrappers, take out boxes, and water bottles littered every surface of the kitchen, living room, and his bedroom. After I gathered up three bags of garbage and took it out to the trash can, I went to the kitchen and got to work on the dishes. By the time I finished cleaning up, Cazzo had demolished half the box of pizza and was chugging another beer.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to be drinking while taking painkillers.”
He shrugged. “It’s not hard alcohol. I’m sure it’s fine.”
I sat down next to him and grabbed a slice of the now cool pizza. “So, anyone been by lately?” I highly doubted it with the way his place looked.
“Burg was by the other day. He says that you got yourself kicked off the team.”
“Good news travels fast.”
“What the fuck were you thinking attacking Cap like that?”
“He pissed me off.”
“Yeah, well you piss me off sometimes too, but I don’t go after you.”
I just sat there in silence. Cazzo sighed and turned off the TV.
“What’d he say?”
“Didn’t you get the play by play the other day?”
“Couldn’t hear shit through the door. What’d he say?”
“Nothing, although he still thinks that I’m trying to screw Maggie.”
“He didn’t fire you because of that. What happened?”
“He wanted me to stay away from Cara. He said she was damaged.”
Cazzo’s brows drew together and he frowned. “That doesn’t sound like Cap.”
“I’d say the same thing, but Sean’s his friend and he doesn’t want her getting hurt. Apparently, I’m a womanizer and always will be.”
“You have had your fair share of women.”
“It’s different with her.”
“I would say I’d have to agree. Not just any woman would make you attack your boss and get fired.”
“Doesn’t matter now. She’s pissed at me.”
“Is there anyone you haven’t pissed off lately?”
“I’m guessing you, since I’m sitting on your couch.”
“I just wanted the pizza.”
“Yeah, well, you’re going to have to find someone else to bring you your food. I’ve got an interview set up in California. If I get the job, I’ll be gone within a few weeks.”
He reached across the couch and just when I thought he was going to hug me, which made me back away, he slugged me in the arm.
“Ow, what the fuck was that for?” I asked as I rubbed my arm.
“That’s for being a shit head.” Then he punched me across the jaw.
“Will you quit it? You may be weak, but you ca
n still pack a punch.”
That earned me another punch to the face. I could have easily blocked him, but I figured the guy needed to let off some steam.
“What the fuck was that for?”
“So, you’re running away from your job and your girl?”
“I’m not running away. I need a job. Cap fired me, and Cara basically told me that I was a good fuck, but she didn’t need me around anymore.”
“Ouch. Guess you really are only good for one thing.”
I glared at him, but he just shrugged. “Instead of running away, you need to fix this shit.”
“Look, Cap has been pissed at me for the past two years. Until he gets over this irrational jealousy he has going on, we can’t work together.”
“I heard Maggie walked out on him.”
I nodded and let out a harsh breath. “He’s gonna lose her if he doesn’t fix this.”
“I could say the same about you.”
“I tried to fix it for a whole goddamn week and it didn’t work.”
“A whole goddamn week? And she didn’t fall at your feet and beg to suck your cock?”
I stood and gathered what was left of the pizza.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m taking my pizza and leaving.”
“Hey, that’s my pizza. I’m crippled. Get your ass back here!”
“You’re not fucking crippled, but you do need a goddamn nurse. Do yourself a favor and let the next one stay.”
“Fine, just leave the pizza.”
“You promise?”
“Yes, just bring it back here,” he said in exasperation.
I grinned and set the pizza on the floor by the door. “Now you’re gonna have to work for it.” I walked out and shut the door, hearing something shatter against it as it closed. I looked at my watch and hurried to my truck. I had a flight to catch in two hours.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Cara and Sinner
CARA
“I’m guessing by the look on your face that things aren’t going well with Mark,” Dr. Penwarden said.
I shook my head. “He’s gone.”
“Gone? He wasn’t helping you as a therapy buddy?”
“Yes, he was.”
“Oh, so he wasn’t a good fit sexually.”
My face burned red as I thought of all the ways we were a good fit sexually.
“Ah, so, that’s not the problem either.”
I shook my head.
“Are you going to tell me what is the problem?”
I sighed and rolled my eyes. “I told him about that last day.”
“That’s good. How did he respond?”
“He was wonderful. Maybe too wonderful.”
He nodded. “So, he was too much of a Prince Charming for you?”
“No, he got between my brother and me.”
Dr. Penwarden sighed. “Has anyone ever told you that you are not the easiest person to get to open up?”
“Pretty much everyone I ever knew.”
“If you want my help, you’re going to have to start talking. I think it’s great that you felt comfortable enough to open up to Mark, but then you kicked him to the curb for reasons I still don’t understand. I can’t help you work through this if you don’t talk.”
“He went and told my brother that he was part of the reason I wasn’t healing. He said that his attitude toward helping me is hurting me.”
“And you don’t think he’s right.”
“Of course not. He’s been my rock through everything.”
“Yet, you moved out of his house because you felt like you were suffocating there and have hardly spoken to him since.”
“Well, but that was different. I needed space.”
“From what?”
“From feeling like I was a burden. From feeling like I needed to be watched every minute of the day. From his need to make me better.”
“How did your brother treat you that Mark felt was damaging?”
“He was telling me that I wasn’t ready for someone like Mark because I was still too scared. I had just pissed all over the floor and couldn’t take care of myself.”
“And your brother said this in front of Mark?”
“And Drew.”
“Cara, it sounds to me like Mark had it right. I think your love for your brother is getting in the way of seeing what’s really happening.”
“So you agree with Mark?” I asked incredulously.
“I think that your brother dealt with a lot when you came home and you feel guilty about that. You allow him to talk to you like that because you feel you deserve it.”
“But I am all those things he says. I am broken.”
“Is that how Mark sees you?”
I thought back to him taking me in front of the mirror and running his hands over my body.
“No, he’s probably the only person that has made me feel like I’m strong and can get past this.”
“So, why did you push him away? And don’t say because he confronted your brother.”
I sat there and thought about it and I really didn’t know. I told myself it was because he overstepped with my brother, but was that really the reason?
“I guess I felt like if anyone was going to confront my brother, it should be me.”
“So, he took your control away.”
“In a way. I was finally getting to the point where I felt I could gain back my life.”
“And then he went and made a decision for you. You know, it’s okay to need that control, but you have to realize that what Mark did was out of love for you. He’s the first person who has really been able to help you heal in the last three years.”
“I made a mistake,” I said as nausea swirled.
“Not necessarily. You have every right to tell him what he did wasn’t okay, but you need to talk to him and explain why you feel what he did was wrong.”
I placed my head in my hand and groaned. I was so stupid.
“He tried to talk to me about it for a week and then I basically told him he was good in bed, but I didn’t need him anymore.”
“I’m guessing he hasn’t been back since.”
“It’s been over two weeks.”
“It’s not my place to tell you what’s best for you. Only you can make decisions for the way you want to live your life, but you need to step back and ask yourself what you really want out of life and who gives you what you need to be happy.”
“I thought I was supposed to make myself happy?”
“You are, but you need people to make life complete. It’ll be very lonely for you if you don’t let someone in.”
“Mark said something similar about my brother. He said that I needed to open up to him.”
“It’s a lot easier for someone to know how to help you if they know what you’ve been through.”
That seemed to be the resounding message people had for me.
I called Sean when I got out of my therapy session and asked to meet him. To say he was surprised to hear from me was an understatement. He agreed to meet me at my house, so I quickly went home and waited for him to arrive.
When he pulled in, I went out on the porch to greet him. He looked at me warily and then stopped several feet in front of me, putting his hands in his pockets.
“Do you want to come in? It’s too cold to stand outside.”
“Sure.”
He followed me in and it didn’t take long for me to start fidgeting. I was nervous about telling him, but it was time. I needed to tell him everything.
“I want to apologize for Mark yelling at you. It wasn’t his place to say that to you.”
He cleared his throat and sat down. “I’ve been thinking about what he said and he’s right. I was so worried about protecting you that I didn’t think about how much I was hurting you.”
“I know you didn’t mean to, but I have to take some responsibility also. I’ve kept you in the dark for too long and it’s about time I fix that.”
&n
bsp; His eyes widened and he shook his head. “Cara, you don’t have to.”
“Yes, I do. If I’m going to move past it, I have to stop letting it control me.”
I told Sean over the next half hour about my experiences that last day and why he had decided that I was going to die that day. Sean hung his head and I saw how much it took to keep control in that moment. He hated knowing that I was almost killed that day because of him.
“Sean, I need you to know that I don’t blame you. It’s not your fault. He was a psychopath and if he hadn’t chosen that day, it would have been a different day. Besides, who’s to say that events would have still lined up the way they did. Maybe the farmer wouldn’t have stopped by and I would have been there for a lot longer. The important thing is that I’m not there anymore.”
“Can I ask you something?” I nodded. “What made you decide to tell Sinner?”
“He made me feel safe and worthy of more. It’s probably not a big secret to you that I don’t have the highest sense of self worth right now, but he was helping me see that I was stronger than I thought, that I was more than what happened those ten days.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t do more.”
“It’s okay, Sean. We both made mistakes.”
“So, is he the one that convinced you to talk to me about this?”
“No, I blew that big time.”
“What do you mean?”
“I got mad at him for going over to see you that night and I kicked him out. He came by for a while, but then I said some horrible things to him and I haven’t seen him since.”
“Well, call him. Talk to him like you just talked to me.”
“This isn’t a conversation I want to have on the phone. Besides, I don’t even know if he’s still around. Sebastian fired him and he was going to be looking for a new job. When did you get all Team Mark?”
“Since he came over and put me in my place. When he left, I just couldn’t help but think that he was exactly who I wanted for my baby sister. You should have seen him. He was so protective of you, but it wasn’t that that got me. It was that he saw this side of you that I never could. He knew how strong you were and he made sure I knew that I was missing out.”
Sinner: A Reed Security Romance Page 14