“Mark, is that what you really want?”
I opened my eyes and sighed. “Cara, it’s best if you go home. Please listen to Sebastian.”
She nodded and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with Vira who was smirking at me.
“You can go too.”
“Fine,” she smiled. “Call me when you’re getting out. I’ll come pick you up.”
Then everyone was gone but the nurse. Now that it was quiet, the pounding in my head wasn’t quite so intense.
“Sounds like you have quite the predicament on your hands,” the nurse said quietly as she checked my vitals.
“One of them is just a friend that likes to start trouble. The other is..”
“The other is special.”
“Yeah, but I don’t know how that’s going to end now.”
“Why’s that?”
“I’m sure you’ve read my chart.”
“Of course I have. It’s part of my job to know what’s going on with you.”
“Let me ask you something, if you had a boyfriend that was injured and might not ever be able to fuck you again, would you want to stick around?”
“I guess that would depend on if I loved him or not.”
“It’s not just about sex. It’s about the intimacy. If you can’t have that, your relationship suffers.”
“Only if you let it. There are other ways to be intimate with a person.”
“But I could never give her all of me.”
“True, but you could still please her just as much whether or not everything was functioning. The problem is, you think that since it wouldn’t be pleasurable for you, it wouldn’t be for her.”
“But..” Was that what I was doing? I suppose that even if it didn’t work, I could still find ways to make it good for her, but still.. “There are other things to consider, like having kids.”
“Have you even talked about that?”
“Not really.”
“Then why are you worrying about it?”
“Because it’s a major factor in our future.”
She raised an eyebrow at me. “The future that you’ve already decided to throw away on the chance that your little soldier might not work?”
“I’m trying to give her a life she deserves.”
“If you were my boyfriend and made all these decisions without me, I would assume you really didn’t love me as much as you claim.”
I looked at her in confusion. “But I’m doing this because I love her. Because I want her to have more.”
“Then why is it so easy for you to walk away? If you really love her, you’ll give her the courtesy of explaining the situation to her.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Cara
SEBASTIAN WAS WAITING for me outside of the hospital with a scowl on his face.
“Can we go now? We’ve only got the entire Reed Security staff waiting on you.”
“You didn’t tell me he’d be going home with Vira,” I snapped. “She was up there with him looking very ready to give him the ride of his life.”
“Fucking Vira,” he muttered under his breath. “Cara, it’s his decision if he stays or goes, but right now, we need to leave. Whoever is looking for Vanessa is probably hoping that they can find some clues by who’s here visiting Sinner. We’ve already been here too long. It’s time to go.”
“And leave him unprotected?”
Sebastian sighed and ran a hand over his forehead. “He’s not unprotected. Cash has men all over the hospital looking out for him. Sinner asked me to make sure you got home and you were safe, so will you please get in the car so we can get to the airport?”
“Fine.”
I left with him, but only because Mark made it perfectly clear he didn’t want me around. Granted, I had been yelling in his room and didn’t realize he had a headache, but still, he was choosing to stay with Vira instead of coming home with me. I just couldn’t figure out what was going on. Everything was fine when he woke up and then he met with the doctor and something changed. He wanted me to go get some rest and then the next morning, he was sending me away. It just didn’t make sense.
“He’s scared.”
I turned to Sebastian and waited for him to continue. He continued to stare out the window as we drove to the airport.
“I was in his hospital room this morning and he was having some dream about what happened to him. When he came out of it, the first thing he said was that he needed me to take you away from him. He’s convinced that you being close to him is putting you in danger.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Maybe, maybe not. But after what he just went through, you have to respect his wishes. Something’s got him so terrified that he’s sending you to the other side of the country so he can be sure you’re safe. You just have to give him time.”
I didn’t say anything else as we pulled up to the airport and boarded the plane, I felt my first pangs of anxiety since coming out here to find Mark. It had nothing to do with flying or being in close quarters with the other members of Reed Security. I was anxious that Mark would push me away for good and I would never see him again.
Our relationship was never meant to be more than a casual one, but it had become so much more. I couldn’t help but think that this was all my fault. If I had just talked things out with him instead of pushing him away, none of this would have happened to him. He would have stayed here with me and found somewhere else to work.
I hid myself in a window seat away from the other employees and waited for the plane to take off. We had been waiting for close to a half hour when Sebastian came storming onto the plane.
“Tell the pilot we’re ready to take off,” he said to Burg.
“What about Maggie? Isn’t she coming?”
“She’s staying here.”
“What? I thought the whole point was to get out of sight,” Burg said incredulously.
I watched as Sebastian glared at the man. “I can’t make her come with me. She wants to stay behind and look after Sinner. Cash’s guys are going to watch out for her while she’s staying with him.”
I sat back in my seat and tried not to let it bother me so much that Sinner was letting Maggie stay with him, but not me. I tried to remember what Sebastian had said about Mark and his dream, deciding that if Mark was going to come back to me, it had to be on his terms. I didn’t like it, but staying behind when he clearly didn’t want me there wasn’t going to help things.
✯✯✯✯✯
I had been home for a week and I found that slowly, my anxiety was starting to come back. I was still taking my daily meds, but I could feel a small bit of anxiety always running through me. I was still staying with Sean and Lillian and would be starting to watch their daughter soon, so I needed to get it under control, which called for a visit to my therapist. The first thing I did when I got home was go over to my old house. If I was going to be watching Sean’s daughter, I was going to need my things. I had just started packing when the doorbell rang. Sarah was standing at the door with a coffee cup.
“Hi, Sarah. I’m just packing. I need to get my stuff because I’m going to be watching Sean’s daughter next week.”
“I won’t take long. I just wanted to stop by and catch up, you know, like we used to. I brought coffee grounds and mugs.” She held up the mugs for me to see and gave a tentative smile.
At this point, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I desperately needed someone to talk to and I missed being able to tell her everything.
“Come on in. We can catch up while we make the coffee.”
We walked back to the kitchen and I put the coffee on as I filled her in on everything Mark and the most recent events.
“So, now I don’t really know what to do. He’s out there with Vira and Maggie, while I’m here with no idea what’s going on or how he’s doing.”
“Have you called him yet?”
“When I was headed to the airport with Sebastian, he told me to give Mark time. He said
that Mark had a nightmare and was scared that I was going to get caught up in what was happening. I want to call him, but I don’t know how much time he needs. I don’t know if he wants space from me or the situation.”
“Maybe wait until tomorrow and then just call him and let him know that you’re going to wait for him to contact you. That way, he’ll know that you’re giving him the space he needs.”
I sighed and rested my chin in my hand. “I don’t know how this all got so out of control. One minute, we were great and the next, it all just blew up.”
“I feel like I’m responsible for some of that.”
“As much as I’d like to blame you, it’s probably a good thing that this all happened. I’m getting better, or at least I was. I don’t know what’s happening now. Ever since I got on that plane, I’ve been feeling anxious. It’s a mix of anxiety over the situation and some of my old anxiety creeping back in.”
“Have you seen your therapist yet?”
“No, I need to make an appointment. I actually should finish packing. There’s so much I need to get done before next week.”
“Wait, Drew and I really want you to stay here. You don’t have to move just because we were idiots.”
“I don’t know if that would work with Lillian’s schedule. Besides, I couldn’t keep living here under the same conditions. We would have to change the rent.”
“How about this, you talk with Lillian and Sean and I’ll talk with Drew about a fair rent price. Call me when you’ve talked to them. Just don’t pack yet.”
“Alright, but I’ll need to know by tomorrow.”
“Sounds good.”
She leaned in for a tentative hug, which I gratefully accepted. I had missed this time with my friend and I hadn’t realized how much until right now.
✯✯✯✯✯
“How did it make you feel when you found out Mark was missing?”
“I was terrified. I wanted to go out to California right away, but Sean insisted that I wait until I heard more.”
“Were you nervous about getting on the plane?”
“Not really. I was so caught up in what was going on that I didn’t have time to worry about it.”
“Distraction seems to be something that works well with you. That’s what Mark was doing when he took you out.”
I nodded and then sat there for a moment as I considered what I wanted to say.
“Is it wrong that part of me was relieved that Mark went through that?”
“Did you want him to be hurt?”
“No.”
“Are you happy that he may have to deal with some of the issues you have?”
“No.”
“So, why are you happy he had to go through that?”
I hung my head in shame as I answered. “I guess it’s nice to know that someone else knows what it’s like to be taken and not be able to escape.”
“I think those are pretty normal feelings. You want someone to sympathize with. It’s not that you’re glad he suffered, but that he understands.”
“Except he’s not here with me anymore. He doesn’t want to be by me because he thinks I’ll somehow get involved in whatever’s going on.”
“He doesn’t want you to suffer any more.”
“But he has no idea if I actually would. I feel like I’ve waited for so long to find someone that could understand me and stick it out with me and now he’s not around.”
“Would you have allowed others to be around you when you didn’t want them there?”
“No,” I said hesitantly.
“What else is bothering you? You said you were feeling the anxiety a little more since you returned.”
“Pretty much when I stepped on the plane to come home, it came back. It wasn’t just anxiety over everything that was happening, though. I could feel the social anxiety starting to creep back in.”
He nodded his head and steepled his fingers in front of his face. “That’s how life is, isn’t it? We take two steps forward and three steps back. Mark helped you find ways to start to deal with your social anxiety. Then, when he left, your brother was there to help you. You’ve taken the steps to get your anxiety under control and everything was looking up. Then Mark was taken and you pushed it all aside to focus on what was happening with him. When he told you to leave, it threw a kink in your chain. You were starting to feel like everything would work out and now you’re floundering.”
He was absolutely right. I was floundering. I was so sure that Mark and I would get back to the way things were, but now..now I didn’t even know if I would ever see him again. He was the one person that had made me feel whole again, but he didn’t want to be near me.
“You have to make the decision to live life for yourself, as you did when he left the first time. As much as he helps you, he can’t be the solution to your problem. He’s your support system, but you have to be the one to take control of your issues.”
“So, I leave him alone and focus on myself? That feels like I’m abandoning him.”
“Don’t leave him alone. That will only isolate you further from someone who is very good for you, but you have to give him his space and try to work through some issues that aren’t quite as difficult for you to deal with alone. Don’t go to restaurants where you’re bound to have an anxiety attack. Go the store or the mall. Just keep getting out there.”
“How do I help Mark?”
“You already know the answer to that question.”
✯✯✯✯✯
I paced my little house on Drew’s property. I had decided to stay here with the understanding that I would be paying market value in rent. I didn’t want any favors anymore. I had been wanting to call Mark for several days now, but I had held off, hoping that he would call me first. I couldn’t wait to hear from him anymore. I needed to hear his voice and know that he was getting better, but I was scared that he would tell me that he wouldn’t be coming back to me. I didn’t know if I could take that, but not knowing was just as bad.
Steeling my nerves, I pulled out my phone and dialed Mark’s number. When he answered, I sank down on the couch, trying to think of what I needed to say to him.
“Cara? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah.. Yes, everything’s fine. I just wanted to know how you’re doing. Are you out of the hospital?”
“Yeah, hasn’t Sebastian been giving you updates?”
“No, I haven’t talked to him since I got back.”
“I was released a few days ago. I’m just taking it easy right now, but I start PT in a few days.”
“How are the headaches?”
“They’re getting a little better every day.”
I nodded and wondered if this would be what the rest of our conversations would be like, polite conversation and short answers.
“How long will you be in California? You’re still planning on coming back, right?”
He sighed and didn’t speak for a minute. My heart sank, knowing that he was trying to find the polite way to tell me he wouldn’t be back.
“I haven’t decided what I’m doing yet. Sebastian’s still working on finding out who’s after Vanessa. I won’t be coming back unless I know it’s safe for you.”
“I need you to be honest with me.” I took a deep breath and continued before I could lose my nerve. “You make it sound like you still care about me, but your actions say different. I need to know if there’s still a chance for more between us, or if this is your way of breaking it off with me.”
“Honestly, I’m not sure.”
Tears threatened as I heard his non answer. “I don’t understand. You told Red to tell me you loved me, but then in the hospital, you shoved me away. I don’t understand how you can change your mind like that. Just tell me one way or the other because I can’t take not knowing if you want me.”
The silence was deafening. I blinked back the tears and forced myself to speak in an even tone.
“I guess that’s my answer.”
“I wish
I could give you more, but I just can’t right now. This is the way it has to be.”
I wanted to be angry and lash out at him, but I just couldn’t. He had been through so much and I just couldn’t do that to him.
“I’ll be here when you’re ready, Mark.”
He sighed into the phone. “Don’t pin your hopes on me, Lollipop. I’m a losing bet right now.”
The misery in his voice made my breath hitch. He was struggling with something and whether it was something that had happened when he was taken or worry over Vanessa’s situation, I didn’t know. Either way, he wasn’t ready to accept my help or love. He was right, I couldn’t wait around for him because he may decide not to come back to me. Hanging up, I allowed myself five minutes of tears and then I pushed Mark from my thoughts and decided to move on.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Sinner
I HELD THE phone to my ear with one hand while I rested my head in the other as I propped myself up with my elbows on my knees. I wished so much that I could go to her and pick up where we left off, but things were so different now. I needed time for my burns to heal so I would know if I could ever be the man she deserved. Right now, it wasn’t looking too good. Of course, I had only been out of the hospital for a little less than a week, but it didn’t seem like the answers I needed would ever come.
“Don’t pin your hopes on me, Lollipop. I’m a losing bet right now,” I said sullenly.
She didn’t say anything more and I didn’t really expect her to. She needed answers that I couldn’t give her and I couldn’t expect her to wait around for me. This was for the best. If it turned out that my cock functioned properly once I was healed, I would return to Pennsylvania and get down on my knees to beg for her forgiveness. If not, I would stay out here and work for Cash, where I didn’t have to be so close to her.
I pulled the phone from my ear and stared at the black screen. It was fucking depressing to end things this way.
Sinner: A Reed Security Romance Page 24