Don't Be That Guy: A Collection of 60 Annoying Guys We All Know and Wish We Didn't
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Someday you're going to be on the other side of that enchanted velvet rope, and unless you've got a pair of double D's hidden underneath that Armani T-shirt, you might want to grab a magazine. It's going to be awhile.
GUYS IN VEGAS WHO INSIST ON GAMBLING DESPITE BEING PLASTERED
It's 4:00 a.m. Your shirt is damp and there's a schmear of glitter across your forehead. You stumble to a blackjack table and slap down a wad of crumpled cash, a mint, some loose tobacco, and a rubber. You order a White Russian from a passing waitress, who turns out to be, in fact, not a waitress, or an employee of the casino, or a woman. You then proceed to treat your tablemates to a mind-boggling exposé of math, strategy, and fine sensory motor skills, some highlights of which include: pensively staring at eighteens deciding if you should take a card, making hand gestures that resemble neither “hit” nor “stay,” and providing a spirited commentary on the dealer's hand—“That is fucking bullshit … Juan! Fucking nineteen, you cocksucker!”
As for us, well, in addition to dealer blackjack, we're forced to add “getting vomited on” to our list of fears for the evening.
BARBACKS WHO STAND AROUND WHILE WE NEED DRINKS
Are you absolutely sure you can't get us a drink? Because you look perfectly qualified.
You also look like you've got some time on your hands, because you're just standing there looking at us.
If the answer is definitely no, then could you do us all a favor and not dress exactly like the bartenders?
Put on an orange vest or something, because right now we want to pound on you.
GUYS WHO STILL QUOTE THE HOLY GRAIL AND/OR SPINAL TAP
Like you, I enjoyed these movies very much. And, like you, I've seen several hundred movies since then.
Which begs the question that surely some shred of dialogue between the early 1980s and now is worthy of replacing “This one goes to eleven.”
Some actor between when Ford was president and now must have said something funnier than “It's only a flesh wound.”
If you were paying attention, you'd notice that as the years have passed, people laugh less every time you use these lines.
Even with your cute British accent.
GUYS WHO ALWAYS HAVE A NEW SHITTY BAND FOR US TO LISTEN TO
Have I heard of the Gracious Baboons?
No, I can't say that I have, but I'm sure you have a CD of theirs you want me to listen to.
What joy do you take in scouring the nether regions of the music industry for the most obscure garbage out there?
You're 0 for 20 so far, so why don't we take a break from all this nonsense and listen to some Billy Joel for awhile?
GUYS WHO LISTEN TO DAVE MATTHEWS ON PURPOSE
It's one thing to get caught off guard with the radio on and find yourself busting out a little falsetto during “Satellite.”
It's another thing entirely when you're listening to him by choice.
Honestly, even Dave Matthews would think that's weird.
His music is very specifically written for women. His lyrics are for women. His melodies are for women.
Young women with budding breasts and SATs to study for.
GUYS WHO DANCE WITH THE GIRLS DANCING ON THE BAR
I'm curious what your next move is … to walk in on me while I'm watching a porno?
What makes you think we want to see you with your hat on sideways, smack dab in the middle of our fantasy?
Just one rotation of your cabbage-patch has sent a ripple of flaccidity through this entire club.
These girls were kind enough to provide us with some masturbatory fodder and your skinny Eminem ass just killed it.
Colin Nissan
Writer
Colin Nissan is a freelance advertising copywriter living in Brooklyn, New York. He is also a guy, a gender that has provided him with two things: one, an alarming amount of body hair. And two, the ability to perceive highly unflattering insights into his own kind. Insights that have all been compiled into one book, which will likely destroy most of his friendships. Some of Colin's less hurtful writing can be found on McSweeney's Internet Tendency, among other places.
Email Colin — colin@dontbethatguybook.com
Sean Farrell
Illustrator
Sean Farrell is a freelance advertising art director living in San Francisco. Sean enjoys many art forms, such as drawing and painting. His initial idea was to sculpt the guys in this book. While ambitious, this idea was also very dumb. Thankfully, he was able to sell his new kiln on eBay and buy some pens. Some of Sean's other handiwork can be seen in his line of greeting cards, Bald Guy Greetings.
Email Sean — sean@dontbethatguybook.com
Dr. Bucinskas, Darryl Nissan, Joe Nissan, Kevin Garrelick, David Franks, Jon Franks, Billy Hoover, Mike McGuirk, Dr. Brazelton, Jeff Walker, Mark Cassetta, John Sangiovanni, Kevin Tobin, Orin Shakerdge, Omer Oleibovich, Jason Nissan, Neil Nissan, Brian Nissan, Emile Nissan, Corey Sturmfels, Rennie Zettel, Ian McCallister, Kevin Whiffin, Skye Ellis, Tim Gibson, Rodney Coleman, Brian Roberts, Goob, Tommy Cullinane, Eric Deehan, Steve Murphy, Gary Gailius, Adam Kanner, Eddie MacLean, Chris Mee, Doug Williamson, Mike Pina, Rob Shields, Lee Stephens, Brad Thome, Dean Lewis, Phil Hillman, Damien Cave, Brian Gray, Steve Briggs, Joey Curtis, Lee Gustafson, Harold Kobakoff, Dan O'Donnell, Allan Duncan, Seth Bruning, Rob Foster, Brian Duffy, Alon Friedman, Kevin Green, Moogie Klingman, Chris Leps, Ben Meth, Dan Meth, Paul Schauder, Steve Shakerdge, Dave Swartz, Pete Brophy, Dave Freeland, Chris Michalopoulos, Robbie McCormick, Dr. O'Malley, Matt Baker, Tim Igo, Kevin Clarke, Alfredo Chang, Murad Abed, Ronan Abed, Rob Cathcart, Duffy McNulty, Matt Webster, Jeff Hickey, Kurt Cooney, Brian Goodwin, Dimitri Coats, Greg Luconi, John O'Neil, Mike Benjamin, Kenny Lefebvre, Ben Reznikoff, Elliot Baker, Corey O'Brien, Frank Pappa, Palmucci, Bill Somes, Stu Berkowitz, Thanh Diec, Doug Heffernan, Mr. Wong, Mike Nadler, Jeff Maron, Mr. Dutton, Joe Delory, Mr. Walton, John Harney, Nathaniel Kessler, Luke Gallager, Dave Platte, Nicky Bruning, Dennis Fuccione, Vinnie Best, Matt Vescovo, Joe Leone, Joseph Fury, Francisco Castro, Ernesto Suarez, Todd Washburn, Craig Mangan, Sean Finucane, Dave Pesko, Freddy Underwood, Mike Sweeney, Alex “Grossdog” Grossman, Peter North, Jamie Harrington, George Mallett, Billy Konrad, Brant Chamberlain, Steven Chamberlain, Bob Chamberlain, Tucker Sferro, Bill Sferro, Scott Wicombe, Scott “Fart n' smelly” Martinelli, Keith Lavangie, Ryan Lavangie, the Davis Brothers, Pat “Sully” Sullivan, John Barnett, Dick Bernard, Bobby Connelly, Geremy Alosa, Eric “Iroc” Ritcey, Chad Chambers, Dave Morin, Mike Kelly, Mike “Momo” Molinari, Ted Collette, Byron Fisher, Mike Pescatore, Greg Bellerose, Jeff Bellerose, Jeff Soares, Jebidiah Soares, Owen Monroe, Keith Norton, Kevin Murphy, Jim Amadeo, Scott Lanier, Mack Fitzgerald, Marty Anderson, Brian McDevitt, Ace, Pete Afanasiw, Tom Bixby, Peter Brown, Patrick Brennan, Jeff Brennan, Bruce Bradford, Mike Chamberlain, Rob Cheesman, Chris Clemens, Mike Connors, Duncan Frazee, Timmy “Timma” Golden, Derek Holte, Raymond Hayes, Sean Shea, Jeff Timperi, Demetri Souretis, Tom Steel, Mark and Randy Trongone, Steven Studley, Derek Fillon, Jeff Goodby, Rich Silverstein, Paul Venables, Greg Bell, Dan Rollman, Ian Kalman, Mark Wenneker, Dave Laden, Matt Smukler, Noam Murro, Chris Smith, Joel Clement, Andy McKeon, Steve Dildarian, David Martinelli, Jack Woodworth, Johnny Mower, Terry Finley, Carl Litchefield, Brian McPherson, Ben Kincaid, Brendan Keenan, Christopher Gyorgy, Colin Probert, Eben Carr, Harry Cocciolo, Marty Wenzell, Lionel Carreon, John Nussbaum, James Horner, Matt Rivitz, Tyler Magnusson, Michael Kennedy, Steve Simpson, Al Kelly, Payo, Todd Grant, Jon Soto, Tom Miller, Jeremy Postaer, Lawson Clarke, Penn Clarke, Terry Clarke, Spencer Deadrick, Gerry Graf, Steve Luker, Greg Harrison, Goldy, Eivand Uland, Roy Ward, Ken Pearlman, Dominic Farrell, Richard Donnelly, Jimmy Farrell, Jimmy Farrell Jr., Chris Moore, Jeffrey Moore, Jimmy McLaughlin, Johnny McLaughlin, Matt Bijarchi, Larry Goldstein, Rick Jagelski, Peter Brown, Terry Yaffee, Bobby Long, Paul Mahoney, Luke Short, Wayne Carney, Chris Beresford Hill, Mark Rurka, William Huber, Russ Quackenbush, Joey Lepere, Matt Bunzel, Brian Hayes
, Steven Carver, Claude Shade, Steven Barry, Mike West, John McIntire, Mike McIntire, Dan Saro, Kevin Begley, Steve Connelly, Sean Whelan, Jimmy Finucane, Chris Decarlo, Devin the Dude, Peter Scott, Michael Gabriel, Zach Canfield, Bobby Pearce, Jason Ellis, Joe Rose, Jim Dougherty, Jason Ellis, Paul Hirsche, Josh Denberg, Bob Morrow, Greg Reillly, Seth Weisfeld, Ronny Northrop, George Goetz, Al Pavlov, Dennis Zanetti, Jason Geddis, Matt Taylor, Brett Berlin, Ben Posadlo, Charles Baker, Ricky Mullins, James Alvord, Rick Russell, Dan Garrelick, Mike Norton, Tom Kelly, Steve MacGuire, John Spooner, Jun Diaz, Matt Kelly, Ian Reichenthal, Alex McMaster, Dan Levine, Mike Weitzen, Chris Miagi, Fred & Farid, Bob Molineaux, Torres, Bobby McCourt, Macho, Mike Lawson, Mike Echel, Brian Driscoll, Cory Noonan, Jon Metters, Bryan Norman, Edward Boches, Jim Elliot, Ted Jendrysik, Dan Felgner, Scott Gutterson, Fuzz, Nick Boynton, John Pearse, Mark Waldek, Fran Gurdy, Tom Esch, Bobby McCue, Kevin Miller, Jeff Terry, Eric Haya, Dave Gray, Scott Forsberg, Jerry Ruzeki, Sean Miller, John Mulvany, Fitz, John Birmingham, Derek Benbow, Edgar, Jason Biggerstaff, Mark Undercoffler, Steve Brown, Otis Coo, Steve Millhouse, Brian Friedrich, Robert Riccardi, Pearl Washington, Pat Brown, Riker, Rafi Kugler, Tony Saxe, Jason Ellis, Taylor Bryant, Bilba, Mike Maguire, Ray Hayes, Tim McMahon, Jesse Golden, Steve Fleming, Paul Mahoney, Macka, Scott McIntire, Brian Mealey, Bob Mealey, Jody Scannel, Liam Skully, Mike Webber, Thad Baker, Steve Cram, Steve Daugherty, Rob Rich, Kevin Rhodes, Tom Routson, Max Fallon, Todd Puckett, Sean Ehringer, Todd Grantham, Michael Stock, Dan Southwick, Noah Dasho, Michael Gabriel, Robert Cribley, Will Hung, Scott Vitrone, Dennis O'Donnell, Charlie Boyle, James English, Merv Rey, Han Lin, Yo Umeda, Mikey Holte, Bobby Manning, Mike Manning, Oskar Kelly
* DON'T BE THAT GUY *
Copyright © 2009 by Colin Nissan and Sean Farrell
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press,
an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group,
a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered
trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is
available upon request.
eISBN: 978-0-307-45037-1
v3.0