by Garcia, Amy
Meditating with Gabriella is helpful but its effectiveness on me is clearly nothing like hers. I remove the earbud after about thirty minutes and lay it in her lap, she doesn’t even move, she’s so engrossed in her faraway place I find myself jealous of this ability. Maybe with practice I can learn to separate myself from the world a little better.
Mom scurries by me patting my knee as she goes. “Come on, I see Kelly coming down the hall.” No doubt mom has been keeping her eagle eye out for the return of David’s nurse.
We meet her halfway, and my heart drops when I see the grim look on her face. I grab ahold of my mother's hand and squeeze tight. “What’s wrong?” Mom says before we are even close enough to Kelly for conversation. For once I’m glad for my mom’s bluntness.
Words form sentences in my mind, but my mouth refuses to speak them. Fear has taken hold of my senses, and I feel faint. Deep breaths, remember deep breaths Mia, you need to know what she has to say no matter what it is. My step falters and mom notices pulling me closer to provide me with some stability.
Before she can utter a word though I know he’s not gone, I still feel him; his presence is weak but still surrounding me.
“I won’t sugar coat it, this is more complicated than Dr. Carter anticipated…”
“He’s ok though, he’s going to be alright right?” Mom interrupts
“I believe so, Mrs. Galloway, but it’s going to take longer than we thought, and Dr. Carter hasn’t recovered from his injuries completely; he’s having a rough time of it.”
I don’t fucking care if he’s having a rough time of it, that bastard brought his injuries on himself, now he’s paying for it. I’ve surprised myself lately with my selfishness and lack of compassion for others, mostly David. Having Evan in my life has caused such an orbital disturbance with his magnetism, I will never know which way is up or down again. All I know is the pull between us is too powerful to separate, my love for him is all encompassing, and I will follow him anywhere, even into death.
“Do whatever it takes. You know what’s riding on the success of this surgery, give David a stool and get on with it.” I snap at her and whirl around going back to the tiny torture chamber they call a waiting room. My mother gasps at the frigid tone in my voice but I don’t care. The stress as of late is beginning to break me; mom has no idea the lengths I’ll go to keep him alive. Another Mia has recently possessed me. ‘Mafia wife, Mia’ as Isaac referred to me, and Mafia wife Mia is getting impatient and pissed.
I spot Isaac and plop down with a grunt. “Where ya been?” I haven’t seen him for a few hours, and he is the only person who provides me comfort just by being here. We don’t have to speak it’s just something about his physical presence that makes me feel better. Maybe it’s the way he reminds me of Evan. I’ve always associated Isaac with Evan and vice versa, they go together like a set of salt and pepper shakers, complimenting each other but very different, both providing me with things I need, Evan is my breath, my soul, my other half where Isaac is my friend, confidant, and protector.
“I had to handle some things.” He answers simply. I have a feeling I know what he’s been ‘handling’ and I don’t really want to know the particulars, so I choose a different path for our conversation.
“It’s going to take longer than they thought. Kelly just informed us that David is getting weak.”
“And what did you say?”
“I told her to get him a place to sit and hurry up!” A proud smile spreads across his beautiful mouth, and he links his fingers with mine.
“I can’t believe you’re the same woman I met in Evan’s hospital room six months ago.”
“Why? I’m not so different.” He shakes his head and squeezes my hand.
“Ok mafia wife, you keep telling yourself that.” I guess he’s right, I have changed. I’ve grown, learned to love and let someone past my boundaries, I’ve upped my spunk a little and found trust. It’s shocking that so much has happened in such a short time. I stare at the blank white wall directly in front of me for a while, it’s late, I’m not sleepy physically, but my mind is exhausted from the day's ups and downs.
“Lean on my shoulder, Mia, close your eyes for a few minutes,” Isaac suggests, and I take him up on his offer, his shoulder is stone solid muscle, not comfy at all but it’ll do.
“Mia, honey, wake up; it’s over.”
“Over? It’s over?” I mumble and blink away the sleep. My mom is shaking my shoulder gently, it feels like no time at all has passed but when I turn to see the clock it’s been ninety minutes, shit!
Isaac stands and pulls my weary bones to my feet. Kelly approaches obviously exhausted, but the strain on her face in previous visits to give us updates is gone, he’s ok I know it; she doesn’t even have to tell me.
“When can I see him?”
“Everything went well we had to…”
“Just tell me when I can see him, I need to see him,” I repeat, I don’t want to know how it went, he’s alive, and right now that’s all that matters to me. I know this woman most likely hates me but she also knows what’s best for her own wellbeing so she halts her recap of the operation and silently cocks her head left toward where I imagine the post-op area is.
I turn to my hovering family; my mom is biting her lip preventing herself from delaying me by asking questions.
“Go. Go to him, honey,” my dad shoos me with his hands, mom nods, Gabby gives me a tiny encouraging smile and Isaac, well he doesn’t need to say or do anything we just exchange a knowing glance.
I follow Kelly through frosted glass doors that silently slide open automatically, down a short hall and into the small area where they will stabilize my husband and make him comfortable. I stop abruptly at the threshold of the room and cover my mouth with my hand inhaling sharply. I know what a patient looks like after a long grueling surgery, but this isn’t just any patient, this is my patient, the only patient that matters to me now, my love, the home for my heart.
I hadn’t been preparing myself for this; all I’ve been able to think about for hours, days, months is how badly I needed him to live. Having my eyes on him is a relief mixed with the realization that we have a long way to go still. I’m stricken by how different he looks, they have shaved his beautiful thick hair, and his skin is sallow. He’s still beautiful to me though despite the bandages, tubes, drains, bruises and swelling he is still a Greek Adonis, strong, solid, exuding power. How does a man look so good and so bad at the same time?
Moving to his side I’m unaware of anything but the magnetism drawing us together, we’re suspended in time and the knowledge that finally we have a starting point, we can pass GO and begin living our lives together settles within me. The lightness of the moment fades, however when I remember we aren’t home free just yet. The second hurdle will be seeing who wakes up, I can’t fathom what I will do if the beast has been spared and given a second chance instead of my husband. There is no doubt in my mind there are two completely different people vying for access to his mind and body but his soul is my Evan’s alone, the beast has no soul.
That in and of itself gives me hope. Surely my Evan can win this war with his good kind soul in his armory unlike the empty entity of the beast.
I wince as I pinch the tender flesh on the inside of my arm to distract my mind from crying, I focus on the pain. I’m finished crying; I’m done fainting, no more weakness, what we need now is courage and strength to get us through his recovery.
I pull up a chair and take residence once again at his side, holding his hand. His current nurse is expressionless, blank, and stiff. I wonder if every damn person in Italy hates or fears my husband. From the little I’ve been able to piece together, I know he was merciless and vengeful, but there were acts of beneficence spattering his life of crime and cruelty, first and foremost there was Cameron. He had nothing to gain from helping that little girl he found in the gutter that day long ago, which proves to me that the man I love has alwa
ys been hiding inside, waiting for his chance to be freed.
“Hey.” Simone startles me when he pulls up a chair next to me.
“Oh…Hey.”
“He did ok, Dr. Carter got it all, every last bit of that tumor is gone, trust me. He really is quite amazing, but I guess when your life is on the line you do your best work.” He says accusingly.
“What? Are you kidding me? You’re not on his side are you?”
“Of course not, Mia, we may have been able to handle it a little less dramatically however if you had come to me.”
“Well I didn’t have time, Simone, he was on the fucking floor dying and the only asshole who could save him was having a sick pleasurable moment watching it happen. I was desperate.” I’m pissed, how could he possibly have any sympathy for David?
“Where is he anyway?” I ask.
“David? He’s been readmitted when he completed the surgery he collapsed. You’re lucky he was able to finish; he wasn’t in any condition to be doing surgery let alone one of this magnitude. He could have killed him accidentally and himself and his nurse as a result.” I open my mouth to defend myself but close it when I can’t find the words. I hadn’t even considered David’s true state of health, I didn’t care, I just wanted what I wanted and to hell with everyone else. God, who have, I become? Now that the surgery is over I can see more clearly and Simone’s right, I was heartless.
“I didn’t think…it never occurred…”
“I know. These are the kinds of decisions we make every day but never while under emotional duress.”
“Who’s we?” I ask. I know Gabriella suspects, but the least I can do for her is find out for sure if Simone is involved with the same organization that Evan is. He doesn’t answer, he doesn’t need to, I equate the slight eye roll he gives me an admission.
“Ok so yea I can see now, maybe I should have waited, calmed down a little even. But you know as well as I do David wasn’t going to cooperate without being strong handed. And I didn’t know you were anything other than a physician, Simone, how would I have known to come to you? Nobody was there; nobody could force him but me.”
“It’s done, no matter now. In the future though could you briefly consult me before threatening people's lives?”
“Yea. Now that I know you’re part of the mafia I’ll be sure to call you up and ask properly for a hit to be put out.” I snort.
“That’s all I ask.” He answers seriously, and I’m pointedly silenced. Nothing like this is going to happen again surely? I took his request lightly but maybe I should have given it more weight. “I’m going to take Gabriella home. They won’t allow anyone but you to see him until tomorrow, I’m only here as a consulting physician. Get some rest.”
I nod and watch him go. I sigh heavily and drop my head against the tall-backed chair and close my eyes but before I allow myself to drift I sit up and dig through my purse. When I’ve located my iPad and earbuds, I key up a very long playlist of classical music including his favorite Jocelyn Pook. I insert one ear bud into the ear on the opposite side of his head from his long incision and barely turn the volume on.
Now I rest, and he heals, whoever “He” ends up being.
It’s been two days. Two long days of waiting. Two agonizing days of worrying. Two tormenting days of anticipating the moment Evan opens his eyes and we find out who he is. We have been taking baby steps; first I was shown the wound by a neurosurgeon following up for David. It’s pretty gruesome but it’s just flesh and bone, I know it will heal. The drain in his head has been removed; no swelling is a positive sign.
Today they lower the dose of the sedative that has been keeping him asleep and calm while he heals. I can’t even process the feelings I’ve been having. I swing between excitement and dread, apprehension, expectation, and trepidation. I’m finally settling on impatience, I just want this to be over, I want to go home, I want him. My family left yesterday; I felt horrible that I couldn’t even see them off at the airport, I just can’t leave him. Gabriella and Simone are still here and Isaac, of course. I don’t know what I would do without him; he’s been my stand in rock, a placeholder until my husband comes back to me and relieves me of some of this crushing stress.
“How’s he doing this morning?” Gabriella makes her entrance with all of her glamor and grace swooping her wool gray cape coat from her shoulders and draping it over the back of the chair opposite me. Dressed in dark skinny jeans, my favorite black knee high boots and a black silk blouse with a dramatic cream colored scarf loosely around her neck and thrown over one shoulder. I need to take a lesson or two on assembling outfits that are sophisticated yet casual; Gabriella has it down pat.
“Same. They are gonna start weaning him off of the sedative today though.”
“Yea. Simone told me, how are you doing?” I pause before I answer because I’m honestly not sure how I’m doing.
“I just want him back.” Gabriella sits and leans across the small space between us laying her hand on my knee and looking me directly in the eyes.
“It’s ok to be scared. I’m scared too; I want so much for him to wake up the caring man that loves you.” I bite my lip and look to Evan, he looks so much better than he did 48 hours ago. His skin is the natural native bronze that I am so fond of; he smells of spearmint and eucalyptus, his soft full lips have just a touch of pink.
Gabby gives my knee an encouraging squeeze and sits back in her chair crossing her long legs. “My Evan, our Evan will wake up, I know it,” I say the words but the fire behind them is lacking. She knows I have doubts, and I love her for not saying anything.
“Ok so this is a good day, a happy day, fill your mind with positive thoughts. We may be talking to him by this evening.” She waves her hand in the air lightly.
“Yes, you’re right. Optimism!” I say sitting up straighter in my seat with resolve. “I’m going down to clean up and put on some makeup and some decent clothes,” I announce. I look like a slob sitting here with her in my yoga pants and a hoodie. I haven’t exactly been putting much effort into my appearance for a while. There’s been nobody I care to impress, no one to excite or influence.
What am I going to do if the beast wakes up instead of my Evan? I’m married to him no matter which personality emerges. I could be married to a sadist mafia leader, a drug dealer, a killer! I feel the adrenaline creeping into my blood, and I need to move, these thoughts aren’t going to do anybody any good especially me. I stand abruptly and go to my bag digging for what I’ll need in the bathroom.
When I’ve got my toiletries and clothes, I rush out of the room. I’m so very grateful David isn’t in his old room, I don’t have to be wary on my trips up and down the hall, he’s on the other side of the unit. I crash through the door to the small restroom intended for family members of patients and get to work making myself look as attractive as I can under the circumstances.
My face distracts me from my awful thoughts of Evan the terrible. I have never looked so stressed out, pale and bags under my eyes, thin, not a dab of makeup and my hair, God my hair needs help. Unfortunately, I can’t do much about the hair situation here, so I brush it out and pull it back braiding the thick mess and tossing it back to hang past my ass, I need a haircut, ugh. Some foundation and blush bring back my normal color of my skin, and I’m having good luck covering the bags. I sigh and puff a stray curl off of my face, good enough.
One soft sweater dress and a pair of deep purple boots later I look pretty good. Ok, Mia, let’s go do this I tell myself placing my hands on my hips watching my reflection stare back at me.
“Wow! What did you do with Mia?” Gabby teases when I return to the room.
“Shut it.” I throw back at her with my spunk.
“They did it.”
“What?”
“The nurse came in and turned his medication down.” It’s finally happening, the countdown is over, we will know by day’s end who won the battle for Evan’s mind. Shit, I’m te
rrified, but I hide it.
“Ok great, well what should we do in the meantime?” I smile through the fear and Gabriella holds up our deck of cards tapping them with her finger.
“Ok, what’ll it be? Poker? Pinochle? Old Maid?” Shaking my head and giggling I snatch the deck from her. “Poker, duh!”
After I’ve kicked her ass at Poker, we abandon the cards for lunch with Simone and Isaac. “So anything yet?” Simone asks. I purse my lips and tilt my head, he's the doctor, he knows it won’t be this soon. Isaac moves behind me and begins rubbing my shoulders helping to dissipate some of the tension that’s been building there all day. I drop my head forward and try to relax, but as soon as he stops to move to his seat for lunch the tension immediately returns.
“What do you think’s going to happen?” Isaac asks as we all unwrap the food Simone brought from a deli a couple blocks from the hospital, or so he says, I’ve never been outside these walls.
“That’s a loaded question, Isaac. I don’t think anybody knows,” Simone answers.
“I know exactly what’s going to happen, he’s going to wake up, be a little disoriented, he might not be able to talk for a while but when he’s ready he will tell us he loves us, recuperate and we’re fucking going home!”
“Yea!” Gabriella mirrors my enthusiasm while the guys look at us like we’ve collectively lost our minds. Raising my eyebrows high, rolling my neck slightly back and forth with attitude I wag my finger at them to stop any potential negative comments, today is all optimism now, good juju, period.
“So what’s the first thing you two will do when you get sprung from this joint?” Isaac asks obviously heeding my unspoken warning.