by Garcia, Amy
“Ok, don’t get upset.”
“Too late! I’m upset! Something’s going on with her, and you haven’t told me!”
“Shush…damn it, Mia, I wish you would stop getting so distraught it’s not good for you or the babies!” That’s it; I jerk in his arms causing him to stop and before he can react I wiggle out of his grasp and whirl to face him toe to toe.
“I will be so much more upset if you don’t start telling me things, important things, I’m not an invalid I’m fucking pregnant, now tell he what’s happened to her!” I try to stay calm but by the end of my rant I’m shouting and stomping my foot.
“She’s in the hospital.” I open my mouth to give him a piece of my mind, but he intercedes grabbing my shoulders and spinning me around, so my back is to his front, his hand covering my mouth. Shit he moves like a fucking ninja, I never even anticipated an attack.
“Listen to me, lady, you are going to calm down or I will not give you one single shred of information about Cecelia. This is precisely why you have been kept in the dark about it. I knew you would never stay put in bed if you thought she needed you, which she doesn’t. She is well cared for.” I’m panting with anger as well as the flood of adrenaline that always surges through my body when someone touches me unexpectedly.
This has never happened with Evan, he’s always been very cautious and mindful of my hang-ups, except for the handcuffs, those were a total surprise. I struggle, and he clutches me tighter.
“Uh uh, calm down first.” He says authoritatively in my ear, and I try, really I do but it’s hard, I’ve had a million hours of self-defense training since my attack and every cell in my body screams get away, hurt him, run! Hormones and frustration win out, and two tears stream down my cheeks onto his hand.
“Oh damn it, Mia.” He curses and loosens his hold turning me to face him where I stand woodenly, arms at my sides, forehead against his chest looking at the floor.
“She has uterine cancer; we found out in Italy, but she wanted to come home for treatment.” Oh my God, cancer! That’s a far fucking cry from a cold!
“You lied to me!” I step out of the circle of his arms. “For your own good.”
Seriously? “I am a grown woman not to mention a nurse and your wife! You have to stop making these decisions for me, stop holding back important information. I’ve been through hell and back in my life, Evan! Frankly it’s insulting that you think I can’t handle the truth, I’ve been broken and mended more times than I can count, don’t treat me like china. I’m fucking tough as nails!” When I’m mad, really really mad, my vision blurs for a few seconds and my eyeballs shake in their sockets, right now is one of those times but I don’t think it’s just my eyes, my entire body is vibrating with anger. Evan takes a step forward, and I take one back, ironic that seems to be how our relationship works except it’s more like the saying one step forward two steps back, will this ever be easy?
“I am going to go into the kitchen, it’s obvious you are angry with me, and I understand you need a moment, but you must know this so listen, please.” His hands uncharacteristically slide into his pockets; he tilts his head to the side narrowing his eyes before he continues. My own hands have tightened into tiny fists, and I feel a trickle of perspiration slide down the middle of my back, it’s so damn hot in here!
“You, my Mia… are my world, my universe, my infinity, without you I am nothing, gone, a fleeting memory. I live for one sole purpose now, one…to make you happy, to ease your pain, to release you from worry and make damn well sure that every minute of the rest of your life knowing without a doubt that you are cherished and loved by me. I am not accustomed to failure, and I feel I am failing you. This is the way I love, it’s all I know, it’s who I am, I don’t know another way. If you aren’t happy and, it’s clear that you are not, I am asking you to teach me and be patient because I am a stubborn man who resists change. I wanted to spare you the pain of Cecelia’s illness, I have seen how much you care for her and as you said, you have been to hell and back… broken… at times I’ve even been the cause. I simply cannot allow you to suffer like that anymore.” His words are like water thrown on a fire extinguishing my anger, reversing the entire flow of energy in the room from an electrical storm to a peaceful spring day.
“You’re not failing me; my God, you have never failed me.” I launch myself into his arms and wrap my legs around his waist clinging to him desperate to find a way to make him understand that I adore him and the crazy untraditional way he loves me, that he could never ever fail me, that he fills my soul with joy and happiness even though he infuriates me. There is no way to express my feelings with words, so I rely on this closeness to speak for me.
“I love you so very much,” he murmurs into my neck. “I won’t live without you.”
“You will never ever have to, just remember, you go I go.”
“I don’t want breakfast anymore I want to go to the hospital to see Cecelia.”
“She won’t see you, she won’t see anyone.”
“What? Why?”
“She has known you were pregnant since we left Italy; she didn’t want to cause you more stress by worrying about her.”
“Well for fuck’s sake, of course I’m going to worry about her. She has cancer!” He shakes his head sighing deeply in defeat.
“Come on, I’ll feed you and call the hospital to see if she will make an exception. I know you won’t let this rest. The specialist you see today is in the clinic attached to the hospital where Cecelia is, if the doctor takes you off of bedrest maybe, and I mean maybe we can stop to see her if she allows it.” I’m not given time to consider his offer when he scoops me behind my knees and around my shoulders to transport me to the bright sunny kitchen. This manhandling is really making me feel like a toddler. The new doctor better take me off of bedrest before I lose my mind. Mr. Saint is at the stove when we enter putting together BLTs, which just moments ago nauseated me but are now sounding pretty damn good.
“Who eats BLTs for breakfast anyway?”
“We do; it’s just like bacon and toast.” he rationalizes
“And tomatoes and lettuce and mayonnaise.”
“Oh hush, you want one I know you do.” I’m tempted to tell him no actually I don’t want one just to be a brat, but I can’t, they smell too good and he’s just been so sweet proclaiming his love for me in the foyer that I can’t mess with him… yet.
“Yea, I do.” Saint slides a plate with the most enormous sandwich I’ve ever seen, and I side glance at Evan, who is drinking coffee, mmmm I miss coffee.
“I want some coffee.”
“Decaffeinated? Because that’s all you’re getting.” I sigh and roll my eyes.
“I don’t want it then.” I pout, and he gives me the funniest look, I can’t pinpoint what’s behind his eyes relief maybe, disappointment?
“What?” I ask he is quiet for a moment with his coffee suspended halfway to his mouth.
“I don’t like refusing you anything.” His voice is low and his tone serious, I straighten up leaning into him and answer in my own serious tone.
“Then don’t.” The left side of his beautiful lip lifts in his trademark smirk
“I said I don’t like to, not that I won’t.” I scrunch up my face and stick out my tongue at him.
“Ohh no. you did not just stick out your tongue at me!”
“Did too.” I sass
“That’s five, missy, and you know I don’t like uneven numbers.” I’m tempted to do it again but refrain so that we can be stuck on the very irritating number five for a very long time.
“I know what you are thinking and I am going to be extra watchful today for slip-ups that might get you to six, Mrs. Lawson.”
“Yea yea ok.” I flip my hand at him dismissively and smash down the monster sandwich so that it fits into my mouth. From the first bite I try to figure out just what makes this the best BLT I have ever eaten, it must be the company. Evan m
akes even the simplest situation special with his unique aura of authority and tenderness.
He has been nonchalantly watching me chew and enjoy every bite with a look of total satisfaction on his face while he reads the news on an iPad.
“When did you get that?” I say gesturing to the new electronic device and my mouth half full still chewing
“Mia, agh chew your food, I can’t understand you when you talk with your mouth full.” I press my lips together and giggle while I finish chewing the oversized bite.
“I said, when did you get that?” His eyebrows draw together in confusion.
“You gave it to me. It arrived yesterday with a note from you. Did you order it so long ago that you forgot?”
“Uh no…I wouldn’t forget ordering something like that for you, what did the note say?” I ask curiously. He flips the black leather case around and inside a pocket there is a blue note, he hands it to me, on the opposite side is a hand-written note that says For your music a shiver runs the length of my spine
“Evan, I did not send this to you, and it’s not signed by me, or anyone! Didn’t you think that was unusual?”
“You use an iPad for music all the time; it didn’t seem strange for you to want to share that with me but now…you really didn’t send this?”
“No!” We both stare at the mysterious gift.
“Did you check to see if there is a playlist?” I ask “Well…no, I guess I didn’t think…”
“You never read much Nancy Drew growing up, did you?” I say with exasperation, how can such an all-seeing mind reader be so blind? I grab it from him and tap my way to iTunes where I find a playlist that’s been created titled ‘You Did It To Yourself’ there is only one song listed and it’s titled “Lies, Greed, and Misery.” Oh God my heart plummets into my stomach.
“Mia, what is it? You’re white as a sheet!” I pass it back to him and stare out the window into the garden. I know the hook to that Linkin Park song “I wanna see you choke on your lies, swallow up your greed, suffer all alone in your misery.” Somebody is coming for him… or us, they want him to suffer which is the same as wanting us all to suffer, all four of us because we are one now, a family, a unit, a body that does not function without one of its vital organs. His voice is muffled in the fog of my thoughts, I can’t decipher his words. I’m too focused on the fact that we are again looking down the barrel of doom. I’m finally snapped out of my daze when he raises his voice.
“MIA!” I jump to the edge of my seat furthest from him and whip my head in his direction.
“Sorry!” I yelp. He reaches out to touch my arm, and I flinch.
“Don’t apologize, baby, just tell me what is going on? What is this?”
“That song…” I whisper.
“What? You know it?”
“Yes.” I move back to the center of my seat, and he touches me again my guard is down now, and I don’t flinch.”
“What does it mean?” he asks while running his hand up and down my arm soothingly. I can’t remember the exact words so I reach for his phone on of the table and google the lyrics, when they pop up on the screen I turn it toward him and he takes it, locking eyes with mine for a moment before looking at the screen. His frown deepens as he reads.
“Fuck.” His curse frightens me, if he is taken by surprise by this then there is good reason to be afraid.
“Who would be doing this, Evan?” Mr. Saint silently moved to stand patiently at Evan’s side the moment we realized something was wrong.
“A million people, Mrs. Lawson, it could be any one of the people from his past.”
“I thought we had all of that handled.”
“Apparently not.” Handled? Apparently not? What the hell is going on, more fucking secrets!
“Evan!” I scream.
“Mia, calm down. I will talk to you about this but not until I am convinced that you are going to listen without stressing the fuck out.” His words are steady and strong, poignant and direct, calm the fuck down or stay in the dark, message received loud and clear.
“Ok, ok I need a minute,” I say nearly panting with anxiety.
“Do you need to lie down?” Probably, I would actually love just to close my eyes and have this all go away, denial and avoidance sound lovely right about now.
“No, I’ll be all right.” He scoots his chair closer to mine and gestures to Saint to leave us alone.
“Shush…it’s probably just some nut job trying to extort money from me, we can handle it; don’t worry.” He rubs his hand in small circles over my back while I take deep breaths trying to prove to him I can handle whatever it is he has to tell me.
“Good, everything is ok now?” I give him a tiny nod, but no way am I believing a word of his shit, he’s lying again, trying to protect me from his past but I’m beginning to think there is no way to escape it, the other side of him will always be out there being loathed, despised…hunted. Time for a mental pep talk. Ok Mia, get your shit together, no way can you not worry about this but you’ve gotta get a game face on girl, this is important on so many levels. I look to the ceiling and blow out a long breath before beginning my acting career with a star performance.
“I’m good really, I don’t know what came over me it’s just that song is so hateful and violent, and I’m hormonal. Go ahead with what you have to say, I’m fine. I swear.” I force my anxiety into a little black box away from the surface where it will be dealt with later, a trick I’ve been diligently coached not to do by therapists for years; but I still remember how and now seems like a perfect time to pull out some dusty old habits. Evan is examining me closely, considering my sudden change of emotional state. The pregnancy has him unsure of his usual mind reading abilities, hormones can make a man doubt his own sanity so it’s not completely unbelievable that I could have calmed so suddenly.
Narrowing his eyes I see the gears turning in his complex, multifaceted mind, he’s falling for my act!
“All right, I was going to have to tell you this sooner or later so it may as well be now; but I swear to God, Mia, if I see that artery in your neck quicken a fraction we are done here, understand?” Shit ok calm thoughts, the beach, a picnic in the park on a spring day, reading a good book…This isn’t working instead it’s causing my anxiety ridden imagination to run wild, sex on the beach with Evan, sex while picnicking with Evan in the park, reading a smutty novel about sex with Evan, holy hell!
“See you’re already getting worked up!” He shakes his head changing his mind when he notices my pulse picking up.
Ok, bring on the charm, Mia! Turning toward him I lip my hand between his legs. Oh yes, he’s taught me so well, the power of distraction is a wonderful thing.
“I was thinking about you and me, naked on a beach and in the park and the story of us written in a smutty book,” I say in my best sexy kitten voice, and all be damned, it works!
“On the beach?”
“Yep, on an island, the ocean waves nipping at our toes, the warm breeze blowing my tangled hair around my naked tanned skin while I ride yo…”
“Ok ok stop! Fuck, Mia.” He mutters something under his breath about tempting a saint, and I smile.
“I see what you are doing, do not think you are fooling me for a minute. Let’s go in the living room where it’s more comfortable, and you can lay back and listen to me.” I shrug my shoulders casually, and he plucks me from my chair. “I would love to throw you over my shoulder right now and spank that gorgeous perfect ass of yours.”
“Go for it, boss, I deserve it.” I pucker up my lips and use an exaggerated naughty girl voice.
“Mmm you get more wicked by the minute don’t you? That’s six for tempting me, ahh an even number again it feels so good,” he taunts
“I guess you did warn me didn’t you?”
“I certainly did.” He gently places me on one end of the couch in front of the monstrous fireplace that is magically burning when it wasn’t before breakfa
st.
Who the hell builds that fire and how do they know exactly when we will need it; this was an impromptu living room visit, completely unplanned. Sitting gracefully on the opposite end of the couch he pulls my feet into his lap and removes my shoes arranging them side by side on the floor next to his own feet. He presses his thumbs into the arch of one foot, and I moan out loud in appreciation.
“Oh God, that feels so good, why have you never done that before?”
“I have never had to resist you before; I’m keeping my distance down here.” I drop my head back against the overstuffed purple pillow and let my body melt into the plush piece of furniture while he works on one foot and then the other.
“You missed your calling; I think you would have been a hit as a masseuse.”
“I would have ended up a male escort if all my clients moaned as much as you do when I touch them.”
“Hush.” I giggle first at his playful tone but shudder in my mind at the thought of him as a male escort; he is so entirely mine. The thought is preposterous and nauseating. Oh no wait, that’s not the thought of him, being a prostitute, that’s breakfast.
“Oh boy.”
“Relax and take a deep breath, try to keep the food down, I don’t have anything for you to vomit in, baby, and I’m partial to this rug.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath and then another until my BLT settles back into its rightful place.
“Better?”
“Mmmhmm. I think so.”
“Mia, I don’t know who sent that tablet, but I am fairly confident it isn’t anyone from my days leading the family. Can you think of anyone who would want to hurt you?”
The first person to pop into my thoughts is the man who got away and went unpunished after my attack. Turning my face toward the warmth of the fire I hesitate to reply. My husband has a long reach and connections with some of the world's worst criminals; I don’t want him risking our new life together going after a shadow from my past.
“I’m always looking for him if he is found he is a dead man, baby. And I don’t think that is who we are looking for.” I face his all-knowing eyes and see my pain reflected in his sparkling bright green violet rimmed eyes, he still amazes me with his ability to read my every thought.