“You’re hurting me now,” she pleaded, walking toward him. That tended to happen when your body was numb, as though every emotion was suspended on a precipice, just waiting for the person who made it that way to either pull you back to safety or push you over and let your plummeting emotions take over. “I love you, and that means something to me. I didn’t tell you, scared of the feelings exploding out of me because a million scenarios ran through my head about how it couldn’t work. But when I walked in the office earlier knowing you had my back I wasn’t worried. My work no longer mattered, since we would be together, and now you’re leaving me?”
His eyes glistened while he watched her, but he swallowed them back to answer her. She lay her head on his chest when he pulled her close. “You are my forever, and I will always love you. But sometimes love isn’t enough, especially when it comes at the expense of someone else’s happiness. You’re okay with it now, but what about next week when you realize what you lost trying to assist me? I can’t let you do that. It’s better this way.” He kissed the top of her head, squeezing her harder when she started crying, before letting her go. The door slammed before she could even react.
And he was gone.
So I guess that’s it. I didn’t get pulled back to safety. She couldn’t force him to stay and was powerless to keep him from leaving her. She’d been foolish, living in a cocoon of idealism, their stolen moments enough to make her believe they were invincible. “Love conquers all” was a slogan people told children too naïve to know the truth. Love is elusive, and when you find it you better hold on tight and hope they love you back because when they don’t, it hurts like a son of a bitch.
He had been a soothing balm, and even the anniversary of her father’s death didn’t seem as heartbreaking because she had someone to shoulder the load. Alexandra locked up, turning off lights as she went, lying on her bed fully clothed. She couldn’t find the strength to get up, the numbness she’d felt earlier wearing off. All she felt was pain. Everywhere. And there was nothing she could do to stop it. She stared at the ceiling while time slowly crept by, wiping the lone tear that ran down her cheek, until she fell into an exhausted sleep as the dawn broke across the sky.
20
Roman drove around aimlessly for an hour after he left Alexandra’s before settling into the park he’d taken her to months before. He felt lost without her, but he wasn’t good enough for her. He’d gotten her into this mess by continuing to pursue her, and refused to watch her career blow up in her face because of him. She’d warned him but he’d disregarded her ramblings, believing she was being dramatic. It would kill him—and, in turn, kill her—to leave her, but it may be better in the long run.
Any love she felt for him would shrivel and die if he cost her the dream of becoming partner. Not a fast, painful breakup that ended things but left the others hurting temporarily, but a slow one. The kind where whatever feelings a person had for the other eroded over time until the only emotions remaining were anger and resentment with no chance to recoup what they once had.
Roman wasn’t sticking around, not when he was going to be the cost. Even if she was willing to give it a go, which she seemed to be, her choice was impossible. Alexandra could be with him or fulfill her father’s legacy. And she would choose him for no other reason than she believed he was the forever kind. It was, at least on his part; he’d always love her, but sometimes people who loved each other couldn’t be together.
“Never thought I’d become a statistic,” he muttered, pounding his fists on the picnic table where he sat. He needed to stop pouting and get to work. It was his decision, one of the hardest ones he’d made in his life, to tell his version of forever goodbye, but Club Valentine was his baby and needed to be taken care of right then.
He called Marco on the way to the club, telling him in no uncertain terms was Alexandra allowed in the building, regardless of what Quinn said. This was his club, and it was a dick move, but he needed to give himself some time and space to get over her. If he saw her, in the place it all started, his resolve to stay away from her would break down. They needed distance for her to see his decision was best. Marco made disgruntled noises before his agreement, but he’d told Quinn, and Quinn’s ass would be in his office demanding what happened.
“Right on cue.” He rolled his eyes when Quinn stormed into his office later on, trying to save the day. All he was missing was a cape.
“Why did you ban Alexandra?” Quinn demanded without preamble.
“We broke up.” He figured honesty was the best policy, and the quickest way to get Quinn off his back.
“What the hell? Why did you guys break up?”
Roman rubbed his head in his hands to stem the headache he felt coming. He searched for the Ibuprofen, dry-swallowing two before answering. “We decided it was best if we parted ways for the time being.”
“You mean you decided,” Quinn corrected. He put his hands shoulder width apart on Roman’s desk, getting in his face so Roman would look him in the eye. “I saw the news. Hell, we all saw the news, but there’s no way that girl broke up with you. She looked lost today, and you don’t throw off your life raft when you’re drowning. The love she felt for you was written all over her face, especially when you told them to fuck off. Don’t feed me bullshit and try to tell me Alexandra broke up with you.”
Roman’s head was pounding despite the pills he’d taken. Suffer in silence.
“There’s no way she should have to sacrifice her job to be with me, but she would, Quinn. She would give me the world if I asked, and I couldn’t. I love this girl, and her sacrifice is so damn noble it makes me equal measures proud and ashamed. She would give it up for me, and I can’t let her do that. She’s worked too hard to get where she is to throw it away on a fling.”
Quinn shook his head, looking at Roman like he’d told him the sky was shooting purple stars. “You think what you guys had was a fling? Because I’m sure she’d see it differently. Hell, I see it differently. We both know I was skeptical because of the history you didn’t divulge to her, and you’ve never entered any relationship like this. All I thought was she had to be a sorcerer to bewitch my brother to break his own cardinal rule. But then I met her, and she is gregarious, tenacious, and a perfect fit for you. I didn’t worry, even when you told her about our birth mom, figured you’d recognized something I hadn’t since she wasn’t my person. You don’t throw away your person, regardless of the circumstances.”
“Like you didn’t?” Roman sneered, the low blow a sucker punch to the brother who was only trying to help.
“Different circumstances, asshole, because my person slept with someone else. Did I fight for her? Yes, because you don’t throw something like what we had away. I wasn’t good enough for her, and she chose the douchebag she cheated on me with. Which further proves you’re an idiot, because you’re throwing away the one woman who was made for you.”
“I’m not throwing her away. I’m setting her aside for her own benefit, so she can get the partnership she wanted and keep her job.”
“Rejection is rejection, regardless of the circumstances or delivery. You rejected her, and don’t try and bullshit me with this ‘I’m setting her aside’ nonsense. You’re so damn noble, willing to sacrifice yourself for someone else’s happiness, even if it’s not what they may want.” Quinn was right; Roman protected what was his, and that extended to Alexandra. It was ingrained in him, as natural as breathing. If his presence would hurt her he would remove himself from her life. This was best, at least until the situation calmed down.
Roman was a “get it done” kind of guy, but he didn’t act without thinking. “What do you mean?”
“I mean Trina, our birth mother. You think anyone in this family is fooled by the fact you own a sex club? Don’t get me wrong, the money’s great, and I enjoy where I work, but you’ve never been obsessed with sex. You’re the kind of guy who would try a sex club, but you created this club as a kind of preconceived penance for all the p
eople who wronged her when you weren’t there to protect her. Including Alexandra’s dad. Do you think Trina would care? She never did when we were younger. You love this club, but it wasn’t your passion. I’m not saying it’s wrong, because this is the perfect place for you. I’m just saying everybody’s problems don’t have to fall on you.”
“You don’t understand,” he defended even as the sliver of doubt crept in. “Alexandra didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. She was hesitant, and I should have let her go then. But I couldn’t. I pursued her, went after her, and made her mine. The minute she came in here, she was mine. And now she’s where she doesn’t want to be, having to defend her relationship with me to everyone in her life.”
“Look, I’m not saying it’s not hard, or there won’t be bumps in the road, but she wants to be with you. Alexandra Kane is not one who allows people to boss her around, including your dumb ass. You might want to think about that the next time you make rash decisions and kick someone to the curb so you can be a white knight. Get off your high horse and go get your girl!” he shouted over his shoulder before he slammed the door.
***
Roman walked into the courtroom the next week, pretending his girl wasn’t sitting at the defense table waiting for him. She looked impeccable, her hair tied up, black suit and red heels exuding power. She turned her head when she heard his approach, and her normally bright brown eyes looked listless. Pinching her lips, she turned her eyes back to the paperwork laid out in front of her.
And there we have it, he thought, sitting beside her. “How are you?” he asked when the silence threatened to smother him.
“Let’s think.” She chuckled. “I had my personal life splashed all over the papers, so the guy I was seeing decided to break up with me, making me look like a fool to the nation. I have to go into work today for what may be the last time, and I have to defend said guy because I can’t get out of this hearing since I’m invested in its outcome. Other than all those circumstances, I’m amazing. Do you want to continue with small talk or sit there silently until the judge gets here?”
“Alexandra,” he began, wanting to tell her something, anything, to wipe the pain from her eyes. This was his fault, but he couldn’t think of any other way to fix it.
“Save it. I don’t want to hear any bullshit you’re about to spew about how you did what was best for me, as though I’m some child who doesn’t know her own mind. You were right all along; you’re bad news, but I just barreled through like some idiot who saw the dead-end street signs and believed they could forge a new path. Let’s not pretend like you care now, when you handled me so carelessly the other day.”
The judge interrupted any response Roman had planned with his entrance. Roman’s whole life boiled down to the next fifteen minutes. The judge went through his whole process, the cases that had set a precedent that determined his decision. Roman sat on pins and needles, the wait like serving up salad to a starving man who wanted steak.
Finally, Roman thought when the judge pronounced his reasoning. “When the members of Club Valentine sign their agreement, they do so in good faith their information will be protected. In order to have access to that information, there needs to be a legitimate reason. You are asking me to violate the privacy of every member of the club, some who may have never met your wife. None of them have a stake in your divorce proceedings, and I’m inclined to believe Miss Kane when she said this is nothing more than a fishing expedition. This court is not available for your disposal to do what you want, Mr. Arrow.
“If I allow you to have the list without a valid reason, I am very aware there are serious financial implications neither you nor I can even compensate, Mr. Arrow. There are also personal implications for the people whose names are released who’ve done you no harm. I know you didn’t consider the lawsuit Mr. Valentine could bring against you for destroying his business, not to mention the people whose reputations are at stake because of your actions. So it is after careful consideration I have decided Club Valentine is not required to provide you with their membership list.”
Gerald’s hands gripped the desk in front of him as he listened to the judge’s ruling.
“I’d suggest you do what everyone else does when they suspect their spouse is cheating on them—follow her yourself or hire a private investigator.” A bang of the gavel and that was it. Roman felt weightless, as though he’d just thrust the biggest obstacle in his path out of the way, and the reason why was the woman beside him.
“Thank you.” He hugged her, planting a kiss on her forehead. She stiffened, and Roman released her. He’d lost the right to touch her without restraint when he’d left.
“You’re welcome,” she replied, but it was so formal and stilted it became awkward. She allowed him to escort her out, bypassing a blustering Gerald talking about the travesty of the justice system. It felt like déjà vu when Alexandra started talking, but this time she was discussing the merits of her case, and there were no embarrassing questions thrown in at the last minute. Roman thanked everyone for the support, reiterated Club Valentine would continue to operate with additional safety measures given the pictures released, and they were done. He followed her to her car, but she was refusing to talk to him so it made him feel like a bit of a stalker, watching the back of his silent victim’s head. They were feet apart, but could have been on opposite sides of the planet.
“Alexandra, can we talk?”
“About what?” She kept walking, continuing as though she wanted to get to her car as fast as possible.
“Us.” She stopped so abruptly he almost ran into her. He forgot this girl could turn on a dime. She crossed her arms over her chest, as though she was protecting herself from him.
“That’s interesting, since you banned me from coming in. I went to ask you to reconsider last week. To my surprise, Quinn came out and told me his idiot brother had issued the order. Were you worried I was going to disturb your precious equilibrium by coming to bother you?”
“Well.” He scratched the side of his head, since he didn’t know what to tell her. He wasn’t indecisive; he saw a goal and he got it, no questions asked. She’d fucked him up, and not in a good way, so he never felt stable, like trying to stand on a waterbed drunk. When you thought you figured out the pattern, someone changed it up and then you were flat on your ass again. He was flat on his ass with this woman.
She pushed his chest, and Roman stepped back without fighting her. “Fuck you!” She pushed over and over, until he grabbed her arms and held her to him. The sob burst out of her, and he held her tight as the gut-wrenching sobs overtook her body. He rubbed her back while she soaked him with her tears, as though her pain was leaving the harder she cried. It hurt him to see her so upset, whispering his apology and his love, hoping it penetrated, but it also strengthened his resolve. If she was this upset with seeing him then he’d made the right choice. There was no way he would contribute to someone he loved hurting, and he was destroying her by being near. He continued to hold her while her sobs quieted to whimpers, refusing to let her handle this on her own. This time.
“Let…me…go.” She hiccupped through some of the last of her sobs.
“Alexandra.”
“No.” She pushed back from him as though he were a serpent ready to strike, wiping the tears still making their way down her face. “I’m sorry for making a mess on you. It’s been a rough week, I’ll admit, but we’re at an impasse. You can’t give me what I want, and I refuse to settle for a man who won’t give me what I need.”
“I’m not the one who spent the last couple months running,” he retorted.
“I was scared! Do you know what it’s like to have your world ripped out when you’ve barely started living? Because I do. It makes you fearful, and shortsighted in your determination to do what needs to be done. You control what you can, and it’s what I did. I controlled law because it’s what I knew, what was familiar to me. My dad used to talk about the law for hours, and it was a way to honor h
is legacy.
“You know what else it makes you? Scared of relationships, because one day someone who’s so full of life and young, with so much left to live for, can be taken from you. You cherish who you still have and become protective of the circle you created, because if you let the wrong person in, they can disappear, too. I was trying to get over that, and it was hard but I was doing it. I figured you were worth it, and I would rather have you and lose you than to have never had you at all. To have you then watch you walk away, as though it were nothing, killed me last week. Yes, I needed time to get used to being part of a couple, but I’m not running scared. You are.”
“I’m protecting you,” he insisted.
“You stand here in your gilded cage and act like I asked you to break up with me. You’re not protecting me; you’re protecting yourself from something else. Do me a favor. Don’t follow me when I leave. I can’t take it; this week was hard enough. You pretended you knew what’s best for me without having a conversation about my needs. There’s only one thing left to be settled. I planned on mailing it to you, but since you’re here…” She trailed off, reaching into her purse and pulling out the nondescript white envelope. She slapped him in the chest with it, and he had to act fast to stop it from falling. He felt the weight of the keys in there.
“I hope you find some kind of absolution for what you’re looking for, because I’m clearly not enough.” He wanted to argue, call her back, curse himself for being the fool. Why did he never feel normal around this girl? She always threw him off his game, and he stood there miserable, and she was walking away as miserable as him. He opened the envelope, caching the keys when he shook them out, grabbing the note she’d put with them.
R—
A deal is a deal. All I ask is that you wait until after this weekend is over, because we’re going one more time as a family to remember my dad. At least you never lied, which I can’t say the same for him. I will tell them I’m selling it, and have your lawyer contact me for the paperwork. Do whatever you want with it—burn it, bulldoze it—it no longer matters.
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