by Claire Adams
But I couldn’t bring myself to go and visit her before it was time for her to come home with me. I had made plenty of plans to drive up to her facility and I had made just as many excuses for why I couldn’t go that day. Then before I knew it, the day had come to pick Ana up and I was driving up there without even having talked to her.
It wasn’t the best situation to show up as I was, and I knew it. I knew I should have driven up and talked to her before; it was just another way I had avoided the reality of what I needed to do. It was a crappy way to introduce myself to Ana, but she might as well know how excellent I was at avoiding situations when I wanted to.
There was a lot about me that wasn’t perfect, but those same things were why I was understanding of what Ana would be going through. I knew that she wouldn’t want to hang out all the time or talk all the time. I knew she was going to want time to herself and to just deal with everything that was going in her head, and I was all right with that.
My major positive trait was my ability to go with the flow and I knew that would help when dealing with Ana. I didn’t care what she did and I was going to be happy to adjust things to help her get through her ordeal. It was a job for me, a mission to help her feel better, and I always worked better when I had a clear mission.
Although I had a lot of anxiety about seeing Ana and getting her home, I was also very excited to see how she was doing. Jordan and Chase had tried to fill me in, but it wasn’t the same as seeing her with my own eyes and seeing just how she was doing. I also couldn’t wait to see her for other more selfish reasons. I had fantasies about her all the time, but I couldn’t remember what her body looked like. I always remembered her face and her arms as they had held onto me, but my mind just couldn’t remember the rest of her and I needed that memory to complete my fantasies. The thoughts that ran through my mind were just for me and I didn’t have to ever react to them, but I wanted them to be complete.
Chapter Three
ANA
“He’s here,” Mike said as he stood in the doorway to my room.
“Shit. Um, okay. Let me grab the rest of my things.”
My room at Sandy Meadows had been amazing. It was brilliant and light throughout the daytime, with the one window that shown toward the flower garden out back. Even at night, the moon managed to glimmer into the room and shine a peaceful glow over me while I slept.
It was strange; some nights I was able to sleep and felt totally peaceful, but other nights I was in a fit with dreams and nightmares that totally got me worked up. I would sometimes have visions and horrible tantrums as I slept and not even realize it until the morning. The feeling of not having control over myself was the worst part of the dreams, aside from the confusion that often happened when I woke up.
The single bed that was placed against one wall was the perfect size for me and I didn’t mind it at all. It felt comfortable not to have a ton of extra room on the bed. Having extra room around me made me anxious, but so did not having extra room around me. It was a delicate balance of feeling safe in the space I had but not out of control from too much space. The dim colors in the room had become comforting to me, just like the plain furnishings and cold floors. My room at Sandy Meadows was all I’d known for the last several months. I started to shake at the idea of leaving it behind.
“Take a couple deep breaths. I’m going to go talk to Nathan for a little bit and you just come out whenever you are ready.”
“Thanks, Mike,” I said and hugged him.
The facility frowned upon hugging, but I didn’t care, I was leaving in just a few minutes. Mike was a good person, and I couldn’t imagine making it through my time there without him. He was firm with me, yet allowed me the room I needed to deal with my emotions. I got the sense that he had been through something really horrible in his life, but I had never asked him about it. I felt enough comfort from our therapy sessions that I knew he understood my thoughts on a deeper level than just as a counselor. He probably wouldn’t have told me about his life if I had asked; I’m sure counselors have some sort of privacy policy about their own life.
I gathered up the last of my journals and artwork from my desk and then stood at the doorway and looked back at my room. It wasn’t fancy, but that room had been the best home I had had in almost a year. My life was so different from anything I had ever experienced back in Liechtenstein; I was dealing with new and different emotions and didn’t have the support of many people at all. It was different for me than I had hoped my life would have been.
When I was younger, I fantasized about saving people. I hadn’t thought of the profession I would do that in. But there were plenty that seemed like useful professions, like police officers, firefighters, and doctors. Instead of saving people, though, I was the one who needed saving. It wasn’t a good feeling to have, but I hoped I could find peace and maybe someday work toward a new profession that I could feel proud of.
As I made my way through the main lobby, I stopped to hug all the nurses and techs who had been there to help me on my journey. Something about goodbyes always made me cry, but on this day, it was even worse. I could hardly catch my breath because the tears were running down my face so hard.
These were the men and women who had cried with me, laughed with me, and sat and listened to me for hours and hours over the last few months. It was through their generosity that I was getting better, and I couldn’t thank them enough. Every single one of them had helped me in their own way and I was sad to have to say goodbye to them.
After setting my bags down in front of Mike’s office, I stood still and watched the doorknob. I wasn’t ready to go in yet. My tears were still damp on my cheeks and I needed to catch my breath before I went in and saw Nate. I still couldn’t believe he had agreed to let me stay at his house. It didn’t seem like something any guy would willingly do, so I had to assume that Jordan worked her magic on him. She was persuasive and had probably convinced him that it was his idea, even.
Jordan had a special way with talking to people and dealing with them. She was able to smile and laugh at their jokes, connect with someone so easily, and ask for favors that people willingly jumped to help her with. I was sure she had convinced Nate through her power of suggestion and that he hadn’t actually volunteered to have me come stay there.
“Are you going in, or just going to stand here and stare at the door?” a deep voice said from behind me.
Before I knew what had happened, I had spun around and fallen to the ground, curled up like a child, and was pressed up against the corner of the hallway. It happened so fast I didn’t know what I was doing. It was as if I didn’t have control over myself at all and my body just reacted with a level of fear that was intense an obviously unwarranted.
My reaction to startling noises had been getting better over the months I had been there, but the close proximity of the man’s voice had triggered something inside of me that I didn’t have control of for a moment. My brain knew that I was safe outside of my counselor’s office, but my body reacted the way it did anyways. Perhaps my brain wasn’t so sure I was safe at all.
“No, no, no,” I heard myself saying quietly as I opened my eyes and looked up at Nate standing over me.
I was so embarrassed, totally mortified that I had just done that. But I knew that Mike couldn’t see me on the ground or he likely wouldn’t let me go yet. He’d say that I needed to stay and continue working, which I absolutely wasn’t going to do. I needed out of that place, even though it scared me to death to leave. I knew I wouldn’t move forward until I got out.
“Here,” Nate said as he stood over me and held out his hand for me to grab onto. “That was my fault; I’m sorry.”
His voice was sincere and I didn’t see a hint of pity in his eyes at all. He wasn’t worried about me, and he wasn’t sad like Jordan and Chase had been when they saw me. Nate seemed unfazed by my display and simply offered me a hand up.
“Thanks,” I said as I avoided his gaze.
His blue
eyes were still embedded into my memory from the night he had taken me out of Stephano’s home. I could never forget them, but I couldn’t look at them, either. My hand shook terribly in his and I felt him tighten his grip slightly around me. His touch was comforting, but not in the same way as the nurses and staff around Sandy Meadows; Nate’s touch was more firm and absolute.
“Everything all right out here?” I heard Mike say as he opened the door.
My eyes darted to Nate’s and I begged him not to say anything to Mike that would jeopardize my departure. I plead with one simple gaze, and somehow Nate understood exactly what I was saying. I really had no idea how he knew what I was saying, but he did.
“I’m just a clumsy oaf and bumped into Ana; let’s get going on this paperwork,” Nate said as he released my hand and walked into Mike’s office.
I followed closely behind and sat down in the empty chair across from Mike and next to Nate. Mike started to talk about how well I was doing and what to expect when I got home. I lost focus during the conversation very quickly and ended up looking out the window at the garden. It was so peaceful out there and I was going to miss it.
“Ana. Ana, are you all right?” I heard Mike saying as I turned back to him.
“Oh, yes, sorry. I’m fine.”
Mike looked at me with a skeptical eye, but he didn’t push it further. He knew I couldn’t pay attention for very long and I was excited to be getting out of that place, even if my body was scared as hell.
Surprisingly though, my hands weren’t shaking at all. I looked down at them and then back up toward Mike. He gave me a smile as he noticed they were still as could be. I certainly was still scared to leave, and I didn’t know Nate at all, but I felt safe with him. Safe, but not exactly comfortable; there was a distinct difference.
Nate stood to shake Mike’s hand and then, without a word, walked out of the room and grabbed my bags as he made his way out to the parking lot.
“Well, at least we know I won’t be spoiled.” I laughed as I hugged Mike one more time.
“He seems like a good guy. Jordan says he’s excited to have you at the house.”
“You know Jordan; she’ll say anything.”
“He was a Navy Seal, very decorated. And his job is protecting people now. So, at the very least, you will know that you are always safe. Take that for what it is and use your time to get better.”
That was very true. I remembered Jordan saying that Nate was a private security guard for important people. He must be good at it if senators and billionaires hired him. It was a positive aspect of going to stay with him for sure. Although his lack of manners might be hard to deal with. I had just shown him how weak I could be, yet he didn’t even wait for me and walk with me to the car.
“Thanks for everything, Mike. I’ll never forget your kindness and help.”
“Remember, you’re stronger than you think you are. Keep taking one step at a time and you’ll be back to yourself in no time.”
I didn’t believe a word he said to me. Sometimes it didn’t feel like I was even moving forward at all over the last few months. Sure, I was taking it one step at a time, but I was then taking two steps backwards also. For the moment, I couldn’t wait to crawl into bed and just sleep for a few days. I didn’t want to go to group sessions, or individual sessions. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings or write down my dreams. All I wanted to do was sleep. And maybe eat a hamburger. The healthy food they had at Sandy Meadows was going to be the death of me for sure; I couldn’t wait to get a nice, thick burger in my stomach.
“Thanks for waiting for me,” I said under my breath as I opened the car door and climbed into the Jeep Wrangler.
I could tell he heard me, but Nate didn’t respond. He kept looking forward and just pulled out of the parking lot and toward his house. Jordan had told me he was going to come up for a visit before it was time to leave, but he hadn’t done that. I didn’t really blame him though; Sandy Meadows was a long drive from his house and probably not high on his list of things to do during the week.
“Jordan says you work as a private security guard,” I said as I tried to make small talk about twenty minutes into the drive.
“Yep.”
Then the silence filled the Jeep again. I had expected he would say something about his work, maybe tell me a little more about it, or when he was going to head out on another job. But Nate seemed utterly content to drive in silence. I couldn’t blame him for that either, though. I enjoyed the silence, even if it was a little awkward. Silence had been a healing factor in my time at the treatment facility, but it was different when I was alone in a vehicle with someone.
The silence seemed awkward to me, but maybe that was just because I had spent six months around people always telling me to talk. My silent time was in the evening when I had my room to myself and could sit and contemplate everything that had happened and how I could move forward from there. I didn’t mind sitting in silence; it was actually much better than talking. So, I just laid my head back into the seat and watched out the window as we made it through the Georgia hills.
We were about an hour into the drive when I realized Nate didn’t even have the music playing, and I loved it. The quiet was so much more calming than having music blaring, and I silently thanked him for keeping the radio off. I looked over and watched him as he drove. His bulging biceps extended as he held onto the steering wheel.
Nate was the type of guy who probably went to the gym every single day. But he had a beard at the moment, so he didn’t look like the typical gym rat and instead looked like some sort of military commando who had been in the woods for too long. His hair was cut short, but his beard had obviously been growing for at least a month.
His blond hair could have easily made him look like a surfer if he let it grow out. But from what I knew about Nate, he was more of a military and woods guy than he was a beach guy. I didn’t actually know all that much about Nate, though. Sure, I knew the basics about his family because of Jordan, but I didn’t know much about what he spent his time doing, except that he protected people.
“Is your beard new? I don’t remember you having one that night.”
Nate glanced at me briefly and then back to the road. I was staring at him as I tried to remember more from that night he rescued me. I felt the memories, but I just couldn’t get to them. Then tears suddenly started to stream down my face. I wasn’t crying out loud, but the tears just started to come as I looked at him. I couldn’t help it.
“I was just off a job then. I was clean shaven,” Nate said as he glanced at me again and then back on the road.
He wasn’t fazed by my tears and didn’t seem interested in comforting me or talking about them at all. That was perfect for me. I didn’t want to talk about the tears; I didn’t understand why they were even there. I wasn’t particularly sad at the moment, but something about Nate and the memories I had deep in my mind made my body sad. Maybe one day I’d remember everything about that time, but for the moment, I didn’t want to know.
“Do you have to go to work again soon?” I asked.
What I really wanted to know was if he’d be shaving that beard again. I wanted to see him without it, I wanted to see if it would trigger anything else. But I was willing to wait. There was no hurry to flood my mind with memories. Because I also remembered feeling very attracted to Nate when he had rescued me. It wasn’t something I shared with anyone except for my counselor because I thought it made me seem like a hussy or something. But I fantasized about Nate rescuing me, and the two of us going off into a back room to make love.
My fantasies about Nate weren’t as frequent as my nightmares about my time with Stephano, but I certainly had thoughts of him. My body reacted with lust at the memories of some of the dreams I had had about Nate and what he looked like naked and what his hands would feel like on my body. It was quiet a delicious fantasy, actually.
“Four weeks.”
“Ah, okay. Cool. I’ll try to stay out of you
r hair while I’m here. Thanks again for letting me stay.”
“Yep.”
And just like, that we were silent again for the rest of the drive to his place. The trees along the road were tall and evergreen. It seemed like we followed them for miles and miles before Nate finally turned off onto a side road and made his way through the forest.
His house was certainly secluded. I doubt he ever had people just stopping by; it was probably hard for people who knew where to find him. There hadn’t been any labels or street signs on the road. I was positive I wouldn’t be able to find my way back to that spot if I ever wandered off. In every direction I looked were huge, green trees, and in some spots you could hardly see through to the sky.
As we pulled up to his cabin, it was bigger than I had expected. In my mind, I had pictured a small, two-bedroom shack. But in reality, his cabin was very large, with at least 1,500 square feet and a wraparound porch. I could tell almost instantly that Nate had much more money than he let people know. His Jeep was almost brand new and his cabin was made with real logs instead of prefabricated knock offs. I liked him even more for not flaunting what he had.
His brother Chase certainly didn’t make a big fuss about the money he had, but he didn’t hide it like Nate did. Chase owned a beautiful home from what I saw in the photos Jordan had sent me. They had a pool and more room than any two people could use. Their remodeling alone was going to cost them more than most people made in ten years. But it was their money and their life. But I liked how Nate used his money. He didn’t flaunt it, but he used it for quality items; that would be my philosophy if I ever had money.
“I didn’t know what all you would have and what you would need. I bought a few things, but we can go to the store tomorrow if you’d like. Just let me know,” Nate said as he grabbed my bags from the back and walked into the house.